Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My wife and got into it about how I wasn't paying enough attention. It would be literally impossible to pay enough attention since her middle name is needy. So I said to her that, "I don't even get to me be in this relationship, so what are you complaining about. Of course, she asked what I meant by that, and I just told her. She didn't take it very well. Her first act was to bite me on the index finger so hard that I started bleeding (it is still pretty numb). I slapped her to get her to stop. We probably both could get arrested for domestic violence tonight. I tried to talk out an interim solution, but she stormed out the door and left. Everybody in the world will know my secret in 24 hours. I have no doubt that my wife will go for nuclear winter. I might be wounded, but I am free. I think I am going to like living a life without secrets.

Wow, not the same as mine but yes she will put the trans* blame one you to everyone.

Lots of luck.

That day was no violence other then trying to off my self but ended up in hand cuffs and off to the mental hospital.

So yes try and get your self committed if you get arrested due to depression etc.

wow. im so sorry it happened that way. but your probably right. i would say prepare yourself for some dirty fighting unless you two can work it out. but the weight of the secret is at least off your shoulders. if you want to make it a little better you can be the bigger person and feed her ego so she wont be quite as mean to you for the time being. it works sometimes

I have been in your heels myself girl!

Mine got vicious after she left with the spreading of rumors and some very false information.

I was sad for about two weeks then I thought "I get to transition fully".  ^-^

I am getting revenge though. Now she has to explain to everyone at her ultra conservative Southern Baptist Church why her divorce decree forever has another girls name on it!!!  :laugh: :laugh:

Anyway a BIG HUG for you!!  :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

  Sorry April it really stinks about your marriage it happens so often its insane.There is something about freedom when I went full time it was like a heavy weight was removed from my shoulders.Still after over a year I am telling people and everyone is like taking a brick off of the pile.Good luck and blessings to you.Patty

Sorry about what happened April. I just went through my own divorce and it was very hard. Still, there is life after divorce and i've been able to move on after dealing with the pain and grief.

After she cools off a little she might be more open to talking to you. Hopefully you both can work something out.

Thanks for the comments. I am terribly sad tonight, but this need to tell her has been growing in me by the day, and it just spilled out under the stress. She has known for years that I have had gender issues, but she never took them seriously. To her, they were always a lark or possibly a middle life crisis. Ever since I started HRT, I have wanted to tell her that this is all about who I really am, but the time never seemed right. Yet I was finding it increasingly hard to live in both worlds. I am scared and much as I am sad tonight. I really loved my wife, and on some level I still do. I know completely failed her.

But I also feel liberated as well. I don't need to hide anymore. My transition couldn't go much further without me being more out. A new chapter has begun.

Did you start HRT before talking to her ? If that's the case she may be hurt for that as well, sometimes it may be a mistake not to share this information with the people that love us the most.

You should try and talk to her in case you would like her to be with you while in this new road, there are going to be many times when you will need somebody to talk to or to cry with and that person may be her.

Sometimes love is stronger than genders.

Hugs!

Quote from: mzaomz on September 06, 2014, 11:03:07 PM
Did you start HRT before talking to her ? If that's the case she may be hurt for that as well, sometimes it may be a mistake not to share this information with the people that love us the most.

I was wondering the same thing.

April, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. But is this really the way you came out to your wife?  Six months into transition?

Quote from: katiej on September 07, 2014, 01:20:19 AM
I was wondering the same thing.

April, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. But is this really the way you came out to your wife?  Six months into transition?

That is perfectly correct, and I expect no sympathy on that account from anybody here, but I had my reasons. My wife doesn't really believe that being transgendered is something inherent within us. It is a choice in her mind, and a rather frivolous one at that. I knew that she would probably leave me if I even mentioned that I was considering HRT, and wanted to have the option of bailing relatively unscathed, if I decided in the first few months HRT wasn't right for me. I was also hoping that I could get to the point where my gender issues could be understood as requiring transition. I have been laying the groundwork for that for months.

Tonight my wife did return, and we had a lengthy discussion. Nothing during that exchange offered any evidence that contradicted my previous assumptions. HRT was the least of her issues. She was really upset that there was any need in my mind other than her. 

I kept thinking about you all night after you posted this..
It honestly doesn't seem like a healthy relationship if you can't be your true self with the one you're with.? That would seem the core of any loving marriage, for both people to be able to be themselves and both loved and supported for being so.. Anything less just sounds like a temporary partial life, and unhappiness and lack of true love..

Very best wishes for you, and so sorry to hear your bad news..
Hopefully something much better is waiting for you now that your life is free and open for it..

She has twice violently attacked me tonight, and tried to destroy one of my wigs. She is trying bate me into a domestic violence situation, but I am not going there. She has already in her mind gone to some place where I am post op transsexual and sleeping with guys. With her, everything is about sex in the end.  She told me she hopes I get violently attacked and get rapped. She was rapped in her youth, and she thinks that if I want to be woman, that I should know what that is like. I guess she pretty much hates me right now.

If she is being abusive, I'm sorry its time to leave.
I've had friends who thought they could reason with an abusive partner, both male or female and it only ends in a bad way.

Call around and get out, it might not be what you want to hear, but its the truth.

Quote from: Nicole on September 07, 2014, 04:07:53 AM
If she is being abusive, I'm sorry its time to leave.
I've had friends who thought they could reason with an abusive partner, both male or female and it only ends in a bad way.

Call around and get out, it might not be what you want to hear, but its the truth.

Nicole, Thanks, I am very prepared to bail right now, if I need to. I will go to my sister's house, who is perfectly aware of the situation. My wife is incredibly angry right now. I am hoping that we find workable peace, if it is only temporary. I have always known that the type of person I was dealing with. This is all about her needs not being satisfied. There is no room in her life for any of my needs.

Hugs, April. I know how painful it is when love turns ugly.

Please protect yourself. Don't let her physically attack you. Probably best to avoid being alone with her.

I agree with your original post. Ugly days are ahead but you are strong enough to get through them. We're here for you when you need us.

Sorry your marriage is ending this way, stay safe, hugs.

I do not judge people. I know I could not pass that test.

I'm so sorry to hear yr going through this. Do what you can to stay safe and try to stay as calm as you can and not react badly to the stress of the situation (speaking from experience here....). Best wishes! *hug*

Quote from: Mark3 on September 07, 2014, 03:41:54 AM
I kept thinking about you all night after you posted this..
It honestly doesn't seem like a healthy relationship if you can't be your true self with the one you're with.? That would seem the core of any loving marriage, for both people to be able to be themselves and both loved and supported for being so.. Anything less just sounds like a temporary partial life, and unhappiness and lack of true love..

Very best wishes for you, and so sorry to hear your bad news..
Hopefully something much better is waiting for you now that your life is free and open for it..

So far, from all I have read, her feelings about being trans is on the bottom of the "why this is an unhealthy relationship" list

 Her first impulse was to bite you, and yet you believe that you failed her in some way... She is a lot more abusive than you're telling us or even admitting to yourself.

Her actions stem from her childhood trauma that she hasn't dealt with, it has nothing to do with you or being Trans. My brothers estranged wife is exactly the same. She goes bat guano insane at the drop of a hat because she has never dealt with the childhood trauma.

Get away from her as fast as you can.

Yes. she has had long history of extreme emotional reactions. Sometimes they come on in the strangest of situations, where you don't really see it coming. They just appear as if her body has become possessed by somebody else. And yes I am aware that she was sexually abused as a child and has never been properly treated for that issue.

It makes it all the harder that you shared during a fight where she was less rational.  This sort of thing is best discussed when things are calm and preferably with a drink under the belt.  It doesn't sound like your wife is calm too much though. 
Right now she has to be in a state of shock on top of being extremely emotional.  If you want to try to save the marriage it sounds like you both should work with a councilor and even without the transition news should be doing that.
Best of luck April.  I feel for you.

Quote from: CrysC on September 07, 2014, 12:18:54 PM
It makes it all the harder that you shared during a fight where she was less rational.  This sort of thing is best discussed when things are calm and preferably with a drink under the belt.  It doesn't sound like your wife is calm too much though. 
Right now she has to be in a state of shock on top of being extremely emotional.  If you want to try to save the marriage it sounds like you both should work with a councilor and even without the transition news should be doing that.
Best of luck April.  I feel for you.

CrysC, Agreed, this was the wrong moment, but things happen in moments of extreme frustration. Telling her has been constantly on my mind for the last several weeks. Yet I am not sure that there would have been a good moment for this.

Excellent suggestion about the approach to therapy, and this appears the way we are headed. She needs her own therapist for her own issues, just as I need my own. This morning we have sort reached an uneasy truce on this point and a few others. In her mind, she has already fast forwarded to where she thinks this is all headed, and has told me that she will not wait around to see me make any more steps to get there, so I am on pretty short leash.

 She is not healthy for your mental well being. You might want to keep your distance.

Good luck... Been there, not with physical abuse but plenty of mental and verbal abuse including threats of deportation (never came to pass thankfully). We eventually split thankfully after 1 year separation (required by our state). Getting rid of her was the best thing ever. I never felt so free in my entire life.

I have suffered very similar emotional abuse from my own mother, so it was a good thing that she left. I pray she doesn't try to go nuclear though.

April.  You need to leave sister.  Your freedom is worth more than anything.  I don't know if you have children, but if you don't, then just leave with the clothes on your back and all your girl things.  Where there is a will, there is a way.  Take that path and don't look back.

The last woman I was didn't take it that well.  Said very hurtful things to me. Enough for me to never be with a woman again.  Haven't looked back.

Seems like you are in a very hard place.

She obviously has her on issues to deal with, and she should. But only you know if she deserves your help, cuz you have your very issues to deal. Maybe you two can deal with both issues together, help each other. But only if she leaves the agressions behind.

Maybe going to your sisters house for a couple days could be a good things, let her calm down. Let her know you are going to spend some days in your sisters house. You two can talk later.

Much hugs and love April. I went through much the same. We're friends again now but at the time wedding photos were spiked into the ground, I was banished from the bed room, and many a night I could hear intense sobbing behind closed doors.

It does get better. You are doing the right thing. And you are a wonderful human being. That last part is important or was to me. My wife at the time of the separation suggested that I was a monster or a thing. Not a woman or so much as a human deserving of fair treatment.

Hang in there

A wife has all the right to be mad and sad, they are losing the person they love the most, they are losing their husband, as well as they are losing the dream they had went they got married.

Going into transition is the most selfish act a person can do, we only think about us and nobody else (it is the right  thing to do, you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with others), but in the eyes of other people it is a selfish act, an act that hurts and destroys dreams, and act that can be qualified as crazy due to the effects that it may have in family and friends.

Just because we are happy it does not make it right for others, not only that, other people have the right to be hurt, mad and sad, it will be really selfish to think that a wife would be happy with this type of changes.

Remember, we are getting the life we always dreamed of, but at the same time we are destroying the dreams and life of the person who married us, the person we were supposed to protect and be with for the rest of our life.

Quote from: mzaomz on September 08, 2014, 08:16:51 PM
Going into transition is the most selfish act a person can do, we only think about us and nobody else

My reply to this deleted. After calming down I will make sure I did not misread this statement.

Quote
Going into transition is the most selfish act a person can do, we only think about us and nobody else.

I suppose that's true if one does it and doesn't include your loved ones in the decision to do so.  They do have a right to not want such a change but if they do love you and block your happiness then that is somewhat selfish of them.  I have never heard tell where one changes gender for anybody else.
I say somewhat selfish because honestly it's very understandable for people to be opposed to it.  If you grow up as one person and people think you are Y but you are X (chromosome humor) then it's a heck of a shock.  Some people may not be able to take it due to religion, pre-conceptions, spousal expectations, etc..

I think that might have been better said that the decision to transition is intended to make a gender dysphoric person happy but often times at the expense of the happiness of the people around them, at least initially.  There are numerous cases where transition can help bring peace around a person and thus actually make things better in the longer term for your loved ones. 

This is really a unique 'deformity', so to speak.  Nobody would fight if you wanted to be able to walk again, see, or remove a huge scar on your face.  Nobody fights you if you want a nose job, tummy tuck or breast implants.  Those are also selfish when you get down to it.  Gender change though is another ball game (heh). 
Long story short, don't let guilt over thinking you are so 'selfish' keep you from trying but work with those around you.  If it means you go slower so others can adjust then cool.  If they are great with you jumping straight on in then sweeter yet. 
just my 2 cents worth

I truly wish I could reply to this topic , but I really don't want to be banned at this time.

Quote from: mzaomz on September 08, 2014, 08:16:51 PM
A wife has all the right to be mad and sad, they are losing the person they love the most, they are losing their husband, as well as they are losing the dream they had went they got married.

Going into transition is the most selfish act a person can do, we only think about us and nobody else (it is the right  thing to do, you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with others), but in the eyes of other people it is a selfish act, an act that hurts and destroys dreams, and act that can be qualified as crazy due to the effects that it may have in family and friends.

Just because we are happy it does not make it right for others, not only that, other people have the right to be hurt, mad and sad, it will be really selfish to think that a wife would be happy with this type of changes.

Remember, we are getting the life we always dreamed of, but at the same time we are destroying the dreams and life of the person who married us, the person we were supposed to protect and be with for the rest of our life.

Ok first off mzaomz. A lot of times those of us that were and are still married, it is who they fell love with, that which is on the inside. With me and my ex it was that I was more female inside and she loved that aspect about me. But she still saw me as a guy. When I decided to start living more genuine and putting what was on the inside into more of an outward appearance, that is when she decided and went all crazy on me. She even told me a lot of times throughout our marriage that I should have been born a girl. That I would have been such a pretty girl. In arguments she even called me "Bitch" ??? Freudian slip? When I finally accepted it and stopped trying to lie to her her, that is when the truth hit home that she actually fell in love with another woman insead of the guy I pretended to be.

Am I selfish, I don't think so. Yeah I kind of feel guilty but I was becoming extremely bitter, depressed, distant and spiteful, not only to her but everyone around me. And most importantly myself. So no, I really don't think it is selfish for us to transition. We are who we are and most of the time we tried to be someone else and then failed miserably at it. Those that fall in love with us usually fall in love with the side we try to hide most of the time and we can only live a lie for so long until it will destroy us and our relationship anyway most of the time. Transition for some is a life saving procedure, it makes us less dysphoric, makes us feel more genuine and true to ourselves and then we can truly love someone when we have come to love ourselves. If you hate yourself and who you are, how can you truly love anyone else?

Mine would have been nuked either way. She could have divorced a basket case, deeply depressed, anxiety ridden, verbally abusive on the edge of self destruction butthole. Or she could have divorced a more comfortable, happier with myself, more outwardly appearing woman. She couldn't love either one and when I couldn't love myself I couldn't love her. Now I can love someone, truly love someone, be intimate with someone, truthful with some one and share what is inside with someone else. Hiding parts of myself from someone and not sharing myself fully with someone is selfish. So even though my marriage ended, she is happy because she found a real man which she really needs. I am happy because I can share who I am with someone I like now. Fully share, mind body and soul with someone. Before it was just body and that definitely cheapens a relationship. So transition may seem selfish but it's not. Living a lie is way more selfish than transitioning. If you are who you are and embrace yourself, you can fully give the whole you in a relationship. This is the main reason I say that transitioning isn't selfish in the least as a matter of fact the other way around is way more selfish because you are holding so much of the true you back. And generally people fall in love with what is inside of us, how much we hide it or not.

OK back on topic. April, biting is physical abuse. If she is prodding you into a domestic violence deal, you really need to leave. If she is being verbally abusive, we already know the biting part is physical abuse. Get out. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Really needy people that need 100 percent of your attention and admiration and so on is extremely psychologically draining. I know because my ex's maiden name was Needy N. Needy. Bet you can't guess what her middle name is. ;) There is never any excuse for abuse.

I can't understand how or why some of the women here can't understand why these wives feel such anger, rage and upset. I'll probably never even live with my S.O., but the little I fantasize about getting married to him and being his wife makes me weak at the knees I love him so much. And the idea of being married, just like the vast majority of women, who dream of being the bride from early childhood. Marriage is still what so many women have aspired to since they were little girls and it can't be much more painful for one to realize she married another woman. Even if this particular woman is a drama queen full of anger and animosity, in all likelihood she had these hopes too, of walking down the aisle in a white wedding gown as the blushing bride, thinking she was going to live happily ever after with her prince charming. My ex sure did and I tore her heart out early on in our marriage and I still feel a measure of guilt about it and we broke up 36 years ago. Our dreams of being women had to be done alone, mine in quiet shame and self loathing, but these girls dreams were being bolstered by virtually everyone, from mothers and fathers to friends, relatives and the media everywhere they looked. Have a little compassion, ladies, especially since we're also women, we just got there much differently and a lot later.

I realize that the selfish comment stirred up a hornets nest of emotions for many of you.  And while I mostly disagree with that statement, I'm inclined to agree in this case.  When the wife is informed of the decision to transition, but not even told about it until 6-8 months later, I would expect a negative reaction.  It was disrespectful, and clearly she wasn't thought of as an equal partner in the marriage even before that decision was made.

Having said that, there's never an excuse for violence.  But I bet her reaction would have been different if she had been asked to help in the process a year ago instead of being told about it after her husband had already started to grow breasts.

Quote from: Miranda Catherine on September 09, 2014, 09:00:53 AM
I can't understand how or why some of the women here can't understand why these wives feel such anger, rage and upset. I'll probably never even live with my S.O., but the little I fantasize about getting married to him and being his wife makes me weak at the knees I love him so much. And the idea of being married, just like the vast majority of women, who dream of being the bride from early childhood. Marriage is still what so many women have aspired to since they were little girls and it can't be much more painful for one to realize she married another woman. Even if this particular woman is a drama queen full of anger and animosity, in all likelihood she had these hopes too, of walking down the aisle in a white wedding gown as the blushing bride, thinking she was going to live happily ever after with her prince charming. My ex sure did and I tore her heart out early on in our marriage and I still feel a measure of guilt about it and we broke up 36 years ago. Our dreams of being women had to be done alone, mine in quiet shame and self loathing, but these girls dreams were being bolstered by virtually everyone, from mothers and fathers to friends, relatives and the media everywhere they looked. Have a little compassion, ladies, especially since we're also women, we just got there much differently and a lot later.

Oh I can definitely understand why they feel the anger and hurt and my heart does go out to them but the guy I was becoming, my ex would have ended up hating anyway. So either way for me, my marriage was doomed. But telling her who I was put the final nail in the coffin. But she fell in love with me in the beginning for who I was on the inside, it's just she craved for the outside to stay the same and I don't really want it to be.

Quote from: katiej on September 09, 2014, 09:14:15 AM
I realize that the selfish comment stirred up a hornets nest of emotions for many of you.  And while I mostly disagree with that statement, I'm inclined to agree in this case.  When the wife is informed of the decision to transition, but not even told about it until 6-8 months later, I would expect a negative reaction.  It was disrespectful, and clearly she wasn't thought of as an equal partner in the marriage even before that decision was made.

Having said that, there's never an excuse for violence.  But I bet her reaction would have been different if she had been asked to help in the process a year ago instead of being told about it after her husband had already started to grow breasts.

I can kind of see why she did it in secrecy. It may have not been the right thing to do but I can still kind of understand after the description of what happened when she was told. I would have been scared to tell her myself especially in a state of bad dysphoric feelings and so on. It may have pushed her over the edge, so I may have done the same thing in the same position. Sometimes marriages just aren't equal, mine wasn't, just like April's mine was all about her. Her job, her wanting to make all the decisions, where we lived, what cars to buy and so on. Even what we had for dinner. Everything had to be done according to her schedule and what little input I had was BS. That is really one sided and I was just along for the ride. I had just had enough so I just quit and ended it with the little revelation of mine. So she is happy now with a guy that she can control for now and I am happy that I can be totally free to be totally intimate with someone without holding anything back or hiding anything.

Quote from: April Lee on September 07, 2014, 11:39:25 AM
Yes. she has had long history of extreme emotional reactions. Sometimes they come on in the strangest of situations, where you don't really see it coming. They just appear as if her body has become possessed by somebody else. And yes I am aware that she was sexually abused as a child and has never been properly treated for that issue.

I actually feel for both of you Hun, selfishness is a self defense mechanism that she has not been able to shed as she grew. It sounds to me like your marriage is very likely to be a thing of the past, but at least you have a way forward from here, you can begin your transition and I am very excited for you in that respect.  Your wife (soon to be ex by the sound of it) has no future until she has had help dealing with her past, she will never be able to get past it.  Perhaps you can soften the hard edges currently between you both by empathising with her, it is my solemnly held belief that most people are inherently good and it is only life and social environment that forms bad behaviours. Even on those awful occasions when someone works out I did not start out as a physical female and chooses to be mean to me over it I remind myself that they are NOT actually choosing anything, they lack the self reflection and empathy to deal with my differences any other way.

For this I feel sorry for them and often find myself hoping they grow as human beings.