Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Topic started by: Jaz650 on September 09, 2014, 09:16:28 PM Return to Full Version

Title: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: Jaz650 on September 09, 2014, 09:16:28 PM
I transitioned when I was fourteen. My parents supported me so I never completed puberty, thanks to HRT. I've been living stealth for many years, changed my birth certificate, etc. However, as girly as I maybe, I fear every second that someone will clock me. Maybe it's because just recently I stopped wearing make up? But I'm trying to see how passable I am without it. So far so good. I started a new school, and my two BFFs did not know till I told them. Even then, thought I was lying. How do I gain confidence?
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: KamTheMan on September 09, 2014, 09:28:59 PM
I pass 100% of the time and it constantly stresses me out. I think it's something you just have to get over or accept as is. I don't know if I'll feel better when I actually have facial hair and can take my shirt off. But for now I'm constantly worried, even though nobody ever guesses that I'm trans.
Title: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: Jaz650 on September 09, 2014, 09:32:23 PM
I've been full time for eight years. I began HRT when I was fourteen. I am legally a female, birth certificate, passport, etc. Even though I am passable, I still fear people will find out. Outside my family, I am stealth. I just began a new school, nobody knows (I hope). My two friends did not believe me when I told them. Since I started this school, I've only worn make up twice. That's probably why I feel so lousy. Lol.
Title: Re: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: Ms Grace on September 09, 2014, 09:37:21 PM
I guess if one is anxious about being outed then it would increase anxiety. I'm not stealth and don't expect I'm ever likely to be, but I do pass (or so it would seem) so that in and of itself does not make me anxious.
Title: Re: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: cookieworks on September 09, 2014, 09:40:46 PM
18, 9 months on HRT, and "passing" is the least of my worries. Yet, I know what you mean... Being read as male anymore isn't as real as a thing as it used to be for me, so I get super distraught when I am misgendered in public. It seems to be more of the thought of being under the radar and then found out than just looked at funny for "crossdressing" that is nerve-racking anymore.

Did that make any sense? I hope so. My mind is flying in 40000 different directions at once at the moment.
Title: Re: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: katiej on September 09, 2014, 09:42:03 PM
To me, passing and stealth are two different things.  Passing means people who haven't been told wouldn't know you're trans.  Stealth means you do your best to not tell anyone.  And I can see why that would be stressful.  It's like being undercover investigating a drug cartel.  If they find out who you are...your cover is blown and some s**t is about to go down.
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: aross1015 on September 09, 2014, 09:42:05 PM
I only really worry when I'm with people who know I'm trans and we are all going to be around people who don't know I'm trans.  I've definitely been outed by people who know I'm trans to people who don't know I'm trans, often times unintentionally, so it definately makes me very anxious and worry those who know I'm trans will slip up somehow. 
Title: Re: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: Jill F on September 09, 2014, 09:47:55 PM
I pass fine, apparently, and knowing that makes me more at ease when I'm out and about.
Title: Re: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: Lady_Oracle on September 10, 2014, 12:16:48 AM
Passing has eased my social anxiety a ton. Now the question whether or not someone knows is something I'm not concerned about. There are friends in my life that I have yet to disclose to but I'm not very close to them so I don't see the point. But if for whatever reason they do find out and I'm outed I won't deny it, it'd be the perfect opportunity to give some education. The only person that I'm willing to tell right off the bat is someone I'm dating but I'm not dating right now so that's not even a worry either.

I look at my transition as something deeply personal and it's not something I'm willing to share with every person I meet or barely even know. Plus it's not a subject that I can summarize in a 5 minute convo but I'm more than willing to educate people about our community given the appropriate time and I don't have to do that by disclosing either.
Title: Re: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: katiej on September 10, 2014, 01:30:05 AM
Quote from: Lady_Oracle on September 10, 2014, 12:16:48 AM
I look at my transition as something deeply personal and it's not something I'm willing to share with every person I meet or barely even know. Plus it's not a subject that I can summarize in a 5 minute convo but I'm more than willing to educate people about our community given the appropriate time and I don't have to do that by disclosing either.

I think this is a really healthy attitude.  Nothing to hide or be ashamed of, but no reason to force the issue on people either.
Title: Re: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: Dread_Faery on September 10, 2014, 02:32:57 AM
I don't pass, I'm largely in receipt of cis privilege. I simply assume that my trans status is really obvious and that everyone is too polite to talk about it (which is obviously a lie), which means I don't need to worry about people knowing.

Maybe your problem is not anxiety about being perceived as cis, but maybe down to not disclosing your trans status to anyone. If you're like me and you view it as an essential part of what makes you a person, actual and whole, treating it like a dirty secret can get you down. It's essentially like being in the closet all over again. This is not saying that you should tell everyone you meet, or that you have to tell anyone if you don't want to, but there is something extremely powerful about being open about who you are and treating trans status as neither something to be proud of or something to be ashamed of and just something that is.
Title: Re: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: kelly_aus on September 10, 2014, 02:44:55 AM
Not for me, not any more..

The anxiety evaporated when I gave up being ashamed of being trans. I'm also not stealth.
Title: Re: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: Dread_Faery on September 10, 2014, 02:48:12 AM
Quote from: kelly_aus on September 10, 2014, 02:44:55 AM
Not for me, not any more..

The anxiety evaporated when I gave up being ashamed of being trans. I'm also not stealth.

This  :D

I'm not ashamed so why act like it's shameful
Title: Re: Does passing increase anxiety?
Post by: Cindy on September 10, 2014, 02:53:11 AM
Not only am I not in stealth, I've publicly stated I'm trans* on national TV, the effect?

Zero; except even more acceptance.
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: Nicole on September 10, 2014, 05:22:16 AM
As someone who basically restarted their life when she came out, there is always a fear that someone will find out.

For me, I never worry that someone I don't know will find out, I'm not even worried that my friends will find out, I'm more worried that my friends like you, only a select few know) will be upset because I with-held the truth from them.
99% would be fine with the trans thing, but they'll be upset at me never telling them.
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: kelly_aus on September 10, 2014, 05:40:26 AM
No.. But I don't assume I pass.

How to gain confidence? Own who you are.
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: Dread_Faery on September 10, 2014, 06:17:24 AM
Quote from: kelly_aus on September 10, 2014, 05:40:26 AM
No.. But I don't assume I pass.

How to gain confidence? Own who you are.

I need a like button so I can hammer it a few times
Title: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: ImagineKate on September 10, 2014, 07:14:50 AM
Since you started at 14 I don't even know why you're worried.
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: MaidofOrleans on September 10, 2014, 10:37:42 PM
Does passing give me more anxiety? Not nearly as much as not passing would haha
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: sneakersjay on September 11, 2014, 03:34:55 PM
My main reasons for wanting to be stealth and not out and proud:

1) I don't want the first thing people think about me is "what's in his pants?"
2) I don't want people to ask me about my former life when I was forced to present female.  I'd rather forget all that, thanks.
3) I don't want the inevitable pronoun slip-ups
4) I don't want to be though of as "less than" or "other"

Even though I live in an accepting area and have many trans friends who are out and proud with no obvious problems, it's just not my thing.  I'm out in the trans community, but out in the world at large as gay.

If I had the good fortune to have had started T as a young teen there is no way in heck I'd ever tell anyone.  And nobody is going ot know unless somehow they see you naked (unless you've had surgery), and even then there are intersex women with large clitoris out there.

And plenty of women don't wear makeup. So don't sweat it. Trans is NOT the first thing on people's minds, anyway.


Jay
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: barbie on September 11, 2014, 03:50:37 PM
QuoteYou can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.
~~Abraham Lincoln

The fact is that you can not completely hide your status forever for everybody. Temporarily passing for some people is always possible. I am always ready to reveal my biological status together with my background. Workers at restaurants and some students here know me very well, and I wear heels and miniskirt. Nobody comments on it in front of me. They just accept it. To pass to them, I should sacrifice some of my freedom. I do wear skirts when travelling by airplane, showing my ID to the security person at the airport. In Facebook, everybody knows my background.

barbie~~
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: Megumi on September 11, 2014, 09:34:06 PM
I'm quite confused as to how after 8 years of transitioning you never gained confidence in yourself to feel comfortable when being out in public.  Just looking at your profile pic you should have absolutely none, zero, nada issues of ever being clocked!

Maybe the reason why you feel that way is related to not having the same typical journey that most of us have had where we started out not ever coming close to passing, or sometimes passing, to being lucky to pass rather well but still have the typical "I'm just starting out and have no confidence in myself" or that lots of people knew us before and after we started transitioning.

For me I fall into the latter category as I was blessed at 30 years old once I started transitioning that even though I was a 5'11" tall amazon woman in the deep south I passed very early on with little trouble going out in public. Now that DID take time as I was starting from scratch with virtually NO support network to help me, a family that clearly did NOT support my transition and me being a total utter wreck in my mental state of being and facing the reality that I had absolutely zero confidence in myself at all to be myself even though that was what I wanted more than anything in this world.

Month after month of going out by myself into the world gave me a little tiny piece of confidence with every step I took. Every time I was gendered correctly it was like I just won the noble peace prize or a trillion dollars. When I came out at work and started going though the phase of everyone knew my past and suddenly the majority of folks treated me differently was a real blow to my confidence. I lost friends but oddly little by little each day I went to work more and more people started warming up to me and I started gaining more friends. I actually have more friends now than ever before and each one of them help me build up confidence in myself.

Even though I'm still in my early/mid stages of my transition I feel 100% confidence in myself. Even if people do question my gender or can tell it honestly does not bother me one bit as I still get treated with respect and gendered correctly even after I out myself to people as I had to go through the lengthy process of changing all of my legal information. Those were moments of self confidence building scenarios as they all didn't know/didn't believe it until I showed them my court order showing my old legal name and my new one. I'm me and I'm dang proud to be where I'm at in my life as I really never thought I could be at this place in my life.
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: Felix on September 11, 2014, 10:37:00 PM
I'm not sure it's possible to eliminate all anxiety around transition stuff. My situation is different, though; I'm naturally high strung and I transitioned later in life. Still, sometimes I have more uneasiness when I'm stealth and read as totally male than I do when I'm surrounded by people who know that I'm trans. I worry about violence or rejection, and the stakes are so much higher when you don't have any way to gauge people's opinions about gender and sexuality. There's that tiny chance that life could go from fine to horrible really quickly. I think it's normal to be a little stressed about that.

That's awesome that you were able to transition young, of course. It's hard not to assume you probably pass better than you realize.
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: Staci on September 13, 2014, 08:40:14 AM
I transitioned at 35, been living full-time for 3 years, I hardly ever wear makeup not even to work. Just be proud of who you are as a person, and quit fretting over whether you pass or not.
Title: Re: Does passing cause you anxiety??
Post by: Ashey on September 14, 2014, 03:43:52 AM
I don't have 'passing anxiety' out in public anymore. I think I've pretty much gotten used to passing all the time now. Only thing that gets me occasionally is when I'm not paying too much attention and someone tries to get my attention with something like 'excuse me, ma'am?'... Yeeeah doesn't always register right away, but I'm getting better at it.

However, I now have different issues... I used to think I'd never be stealth, but now I'm starting to lean that way. It started when I met a really good friend who is stealth and she recommended I remove my trans-related info from public profiles. I feel it's probably a good move since now I can pick and choose whom I reveal that information to. And since I pass so well, I now have the luxury of doing so, which is something I guess I didn't think I'd ever have.

But more to the point, I'm also living with my boyfriend and we have two other housemates. Obviously my boyfriend knows since I'm pre-op, but the other two guys don't know. I've thought about telling them but then they'd not only look at me differently, but also my boyfriend. So I'm stealth to them... It brings with it some anxiety because I can't not pass around them. I have to make sure my voice doesn't slip around them or that I don't have a lil something poking out down there. But passing and being stealth around them, I'm just female... which brings with it a certain balance and peace. And in a way, I get to just be myself without my transness being a thing. I think I'm handling it well enough, but it's certainly an odd position to be in...