Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone, we've all had the cringeworthy feeling when we're out with our friends and they misgender us by mistake in front of total strangers. 

     Today's example, shoe-shopping with a friend who fancies herself as my fashion consultant, to the store attendant: 
     Yvonne: "He, er, she's looking for some mid-season ankle boots..."

     Last week, in a restaurant:
     Waiter: "Who still needs to order?"
     Helena (Loudly and pointing most clearly):  "Him!"  ::)

Oh, this needs the patience of a saint, and the good humour of a St Bernard.  :D   I normally smile benignly, remind them gently that I'm most definitely a girl now, and then charge them €1 per slip  >:-)

How do you feel about being misgendered in public by your friends, and how do you react to it?

Hugs as always
Julia

I haven't been out long enough for that to happen yet. I could see how embarrassing it would be. If it's anything like the first time the neighborhood kids saw me in a skirt I can imagine it would not be all that pleasant. I hope your friends learn before they empty their life savings to you. :) 

I have a few friends who never make this mistake, and I have others who do it all the damn time. It's embarrassing, but it is genuinely an accident. I usually give them a look with a playful and confused, "He?" Then they apologize and gender me correctly. I like your idea of getting money out of it. I'm gonna have to take that up.

PS: You're adorable! And you look so damn passable!

Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on September 21, 2014, 02:11:10 PM
PS: You're adorable! And you look so damn passable!

Thank you darling  :-*

I used to be mortified and miserable, and I'm sure it showed on my face.  Eventually, the occurrences tapered off...

And the last time it happened, a year or so ago now, the salesclerk said "Oh, I only saw this young lady, where's your son?" (Yes, it was my father who did it, grrrr.) At which point I decided that was going to be my approach no matter what - THEY made a mistake, let THEM be embarrassed. :)  I have since seen cis people misgendered by a slip of the tongue or assumptions about presentation, so it does happen sometimes that the person doing the gendering is wrong, and the people listening know that.

Fortunately it hasn't happened with friends, but it has happened in a work context. I just ask "who?" which good naturedly calls them out, forces them to correct themselves and apologise (without demanding it!) and embarrasses them. Works really well. I got that idea from a dream!

Since I am compelled to present in male mode I would enjoy looking such that I was misgendered as female.

... if you now add lingustic nuances to all of this, it gets quite surreal:

I took a long weekend away in the north of Spain a few weeks ago with a Portuguese girlfriend, and because I was driving, she phoned ahead and confirmed hotels and restaurants, and a few times she use the Spanish word "nosotros", which is "we" in the masculine, meaning that at least one of us needed to be male.  I mean, steady on, don't prepare them for everything they don't need to know!! :o

Now, a Spanish woman would never make that mistake, but it's a perfectly understandable bit of linguistic confusion:  in Portuguese, "we" is "nós", which is genderless, and in Spanish, in a hypothetical genderless situatuation, you'd use the masculine by default. 

Sometimes it would be really nice to BE genderless!!   (But I like women's shoes waaaay too much for this to be a reality, ha!)

All my friends are brilliant, however my dad does it so often I am convinced it is deliberate, but every time I pick him up on it he apologises in what seems like a sincere manner.

I feel bad to suspect him of being deceitful and more than a little hurt because I think I am right.....

I use this same technique with my disabled mom, who I take care of. I know it isn't done intentionally, but it helps her with her bad memory as well.

Quote from: Ms Grace on September 21, 2014, 03:17:12 PM
Fortunately it hasn't happened with friends, but it has happened in a work context. I just ask "who?" which good naturedly calls them out, forces them to correct themselves and apologise (without demanding it!) and embarrasses them. Works really well. I got that idea from a dream!

I love it when my friends call me Antonio in public, even considered changing my name because of it :p

I cut everyone some slack for the first year.   I'm guessing it's hard for some people to wrap their heads around the fact that someone they knew for years as a guy is suddenly a girl.  The good news is that it hasn't happened to me in months.  The next time it happens I will probably misgender the offender right back.

My friends are trying really hard but my voice is so hard pitched I understand why it is hard for them.  Its sort of funny because they'll be talking and using the wrong pronouns and they will switch mid sentence.