Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been lurking for a couple of months but this is my first post. 

I'll be 60 this year.  I was born a male but my first time cross dressing was at age 10.  Over the next 50 years I might go months or years without indulging.  Two wives and 3 kids and working long hours left little time for my "hobby".  My first wife caught me and was not understanding and that was the end of that marriage.  I told my 2nd wife before we were married, but did not expose it to her.  My 2nd divorce was unrelated to the CD.  I have never been attracted to men.  About 2 years ago I retired and started dressing more. 

I made the mistake of telling my last girl friend.  The day before she was treating me like a king and giving me gifts with hearts written all over.  She is a beautiful, smart, and interesting person.  Unfortunately she dumped me like a hot potato.  I had looked forward to a life with her and am still heart-broken 3 months later. 

Then on 1aug2014 (7 weeks ago) I started self-prescribed MTF HRT.  I REALLY want BOOBS, but I don't think I could handle the stress of living as a woman and I'm not sure I want to.  At 6'-01" (185cm), 200 pounds (91 kg), balding,  and a baritone voice, I doubt I could pass anyway.  I have only been out in public once, and that was going through a drive-through window for fast food.  I don't tell people and find myself withdrawing from my friends so I can maintain my secret easier.

I still love women, although I am concerned that having boobs will make dating impossible.  Before HRT erections were possible but unreliable.  On HRT they are non-existent and my libido is down 85%.  Women want coitus, further reducing my chances for a "normal" relationship, at least while on HRT. 

I am encouraged when I read posts of MTF women that are married or have a good relationship with a woman.  Unfortunately I doubt that will be possible with women in my age group. 

Every day I wonder if HRT is the right thing for me, and every day I look forward to my next HRT dose.  Within 1 week my left nipple erupted.  The right took a month.  My breasts are definitely bigger now but other than the protruding nipples, may be mostly additional fat deposits. But that is changing and I can feel the firmer breast tissue start to develop and expand.  Very exciting and terrifying at the same time.  I live in the Northern U.S. so winter is not a problem, but at some point it will be too obvious to hide.

My sisters are both at least a D cup and my daughter is even bigger.  I have considered stopping HRT when I get to a B, but read one post of how growth continued one more cup size (C to D) after stopping HRT.  Plus, once I see significant growth I may not want to stop until my bust is maxed out.  :-)

I made the mistake of telling my last girl friend that I was a crossdresser.  The day before she was treating me like a king and giving me gifts with hearts written all over.  She is a beautiful, smart, and interesting person.  Unfortunately she dumped me like a hot potato.  I am still heart-broken 3 months later.

So there you have it.  I have read many posts of pain-filled stress and conflict.  Unfortunately I can't help anybody because I am suffering the same trauma and uncertainty myself.  Right now, life is pretty lonely.  I can only hope things will get better and maybe I'll meet the right girl. 

Jen

Jen,

Don't give up hope. The differences in womens' feelings are vast and diverse. If you haven't heard of it, take a look at the Kinsey Scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale)). I've only recently started learning more about it, but my therapist explained to me that women tend to move around on the scale much more throughout their lives than men do.

There are plenty of cliches out there, like "there's someone for everyone," but the thing is.. I feel like they're mostly true. As much as a large part of society tries to make things black and white, male and female, heterosexual and heterosexual (no, that's not a typo.. if you're in this group, you should know who you are by now), things just aren't that binary. There are a significant percentage of women out there that are exclusively heterosexual (or at least unwilling to explore other alternatives). I'm married to one of them, and doesn't make things easy for us. But there are women out there who fall farther away from the heterosexual side of the Kinsey Scale. They /are/ out there.

I'm happy to hear you're exploring your feelings more. I know it's hard to be alone and lonely, sometimes, but I think you'll find that the happier you are with yourself, the happier those around you will be with you. My wife has been much more receptive to confidence in my decisions than being hesitant. She's not thrilled in either case, mind you, but it was harder on us when I "wasn't sure if it was something that I ever wanted to do." It was an ominous cloud looming over us, waiting to strike with a marriage severing bolt of lighting. Asking questions like "Do you mind if I..?" forced her in to the driver's seat, which just wasn't fair to her. Yes, she minds. If she says that, though, it hurts my feelings, so she's forced to encourage something that she's doesn't even necessarily want.

Our situation is different. We've been together for years. But I guess my point is this-- if you're up front about who you are and what you want, my guess is that it will ultimately be easier for you to find what you're looking for. If you start relationships as one thing and then change the nature of them a few months in, you're more likely to get mixed results. You might luck up on someone that's entirely understanding and encouraging, but you won't know until you decide to bring it up.

Does that make any sense at all?

P.S. Go see a therapist!! It scares me to death when people say they're self-prescribing HRT. The benefits you'll get out of a therapist are WAY beyond just acquiring a script for hormones.

Thanks Kate.  I will check out the link.  And HRT scares me to death too!

As far as a therapist, I'm not sure I'd like what they would have to say.  One good thing about HRT, it gives you a lot of time to think about things while your body is changing. 

I'm not sure a therapist could shed any more light on what is best for me.  But the biggest obstacle to therapy for me is money and location.  I doubt there's a decent gender therapist within 200 miles.  Notwithstanding, I will probably go in the future.

Thanks for caring enough to reply!

jen

Hi Jen, and welcome..

So glad you finally joined us..

It's a great group to answer all your questions, and give you support..

Take care,
Mark

Hey Jen

Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

I'm 6'3" and a baldy. Yet I pass pretty well it would seem. A lot of it is about presentation and con,Firenze as much as looks. Years ago when I was still presenting in guy mode I always found the quickest way to kill a relationship with a heterosexual woman was to tell them I had a trans history. :(

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Cheers

Grace

Thanks all. 

I agree it's all about confidence and how you carry yourself.  I'll have to work on those but hopefully I'll get there :-*

jen