Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello, my name is Rebecca and I am a beautiful, young woman. I am very happy with myself and I can look at myself in the mirror and smile. :) I think I have finally accepted myself as female; I don't have to reaffirm my feelings in my mind anymore. Although I've seen myself as a girl most of my life, it has been much more difficult to match my feelings with my mental and bodily image. I'm only recently beginning to match my feelings with my mental and physical self so that I never feel like I have to question or doubt myself.

However, I have an issue with myself because I remember times in my life where I can't justify certain actions. These memories are really bothering me, and I want to be able to accept these actions so I no longer have a reason to doubt myself. When I was about eight-years-old, my friends' sister and I wanted to try french kissing for fun. I didn't feel anything from the kiss and I didn't really like it, but it still sort of bothers me that I would go along with kissing her for fun in the first place. In addition, when I was about ten-years-old, this same girl and her friend asked me to take off my pants and show my underwear, and I went along with it. I was embarrassed and didn't really want to, but I did it anyway. I know that they asked me because they wanted to see boy's underwear, and I can't forgive myself for going along with them.

I have also masturbated while imagining little girls who didn't know about private parts touching and verbally teasing me for something attached to me that I detest so much now. What's worse is that I remember liking that fantasy. Lastly, in tenth grade, my mom pressured me to ask someone out to the prom before she fully accepted me as a girl. I remember that I admired this one girl for saying that other people who mistake her for a boy are stupid and standing up for herself. I decided I would ask her even though I didn't really care whether or not she would accept, (something I never should have done in the first place if I didn't mind either way). However, I remember imagining myself dancing with her and wondered whether I would like it or not.

I am now twenty-years-old and live my life as a woman in all aspects of my life. I want to come to terms with these actions so that I no longer have any reason to doubt myself.

Sorry, but there are going to be some things you just can't reconcile. Life doesn't work that way.

Quote from: Rebecca(cloudy) on September 26, 2014, 05:47:47 PM
Hello, my name is Rebecca and I am a beautiful, young woman. I am very happy with myself and I can look at myself in the mirror and smile. :) I think I have finally accepted myself as female; I don't have to reaffirm my feelings in my mind anymore. Although I've seen myself as a girl most of my life, it has been much more difficult to match my feelings with my mental and bodily image. I'm only recently beginning to match my feelings with my mental and physical self so that I never have to question or doubt myself.

However, I have an issue with myself because I remember times in my life where I can't justify certain actions. These memories are really bothering me, and I want to be able to accept these actions so I no longer have a reason to doubt myself. When I was about eight-years-old, my friends' sister and I wanted to try french kissing for fun. I didn't feel anything from the kiss and I didn't really like it, but it still sort of bothers me that I would go along with kissing her for fun in the first place. In addition, when I was about ten-years-old, this same girl and her friend asked me to take off my pants and show my underwear, and I went along with it. I was embarrassed and didn't really want to, but I did it anyway. I know that they asked me because they wanted to see boy's underwear, and I can't forgive myself for going along with them.

Kids that age experiment, with varying levels of understanding.. What you did was not at all unusual amongst a small mixed group.. All girls.. Or even boys.

QuoteI have also masturbated while imagining little girls who didn't know about private parts touching and verbally teasing me for something attached to me that I detest so much now. What's worse is that I remember liking that fantasy.

Sexual fantasy often has little to do with reality. I get the feeling you are ashamed of it.. Perhaps have a look at the true motivation for that shame.

QuoteLastly, in tenth grade, my mom pressured me to ask someone out to the prom before she fully accepted me as a girl. I remember that I admired this one girl for saying that other people who mistake her for a boy are stupid and standing up for herself. I decided I would ask her even though I didn't really care whether or not she would accept, (something I never should have done in the first place if I didn't mind either way). However, I remember imagining myself dancing with her and wondered whether I would like it or not.

We've all done things for appearance sake at some point.. Leave it alone and move on.

QuoteI am now twenty-years-old and live my life as a woman in all aspects of my life. I want to come to terms with these actions so that I no longer have any reason to doubt myself.

These seem like flimsy reasons to doubt yourself, perhaps a deeper look at where these doubts are coming from is needed.

There's no reason to dwell in on what can't be changed.  We all have done things we are ashamed of in the past, at least I speak for myself, not always do I look back and see a mature young woman acting. We have to learn to accept our past, it's there, can't be changed and only exists in our heads. What's important is to move forward. Be proud of who you are now! That's really all that matters.