Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My family is like a group of roommates hanging by a thread. I don't have friends, therapist or extended family to reach out to for such things so I have to comfort myself. I haven't exactly faced dysphoria this bad back then, I think I knew something was absolutely off about me, was raped by a family member and I got irritable once I reached puberty with people without knowing why. I just withdrew into a shell once high school rolled around and somehow enjoyed being called Jack for some reason that wasn't clear to me then.

Here's the deal. I'm a week and a half away from getting my T prescription assuming my bloodwork results are fine and everything happens without a hitch. Granted, me and my dad are still on the silent treatment for reasons other than being FTM. My mom mediates between us and recently she told me that my dad wants me to put off transitioning and instead study, get a job, move out and then do whatever I want. In other words, my dad wants me to put off transitioning another 2 years and well...I know myself that won't be possible unless I get doped up on medications, alcohol or drugs. I'm amazed that I'm not into either of these things but I can't promise that I won't crack and just reach for these things. If my dad had his way, I'll go insane and kill myself. I know I will. And even if I somehow managed to get through studying, my heart won't just be into finding a job or even being remotely happy. And let's face it, if I land a job and transition there, I could lose my job and who knows when I'll get a new one because there's no telling when I start passing as male. Thankfully, my mother and brother is somewhat onboard about this and my mom offered to help me look for a therapist. She finally realized that the family is not very friendly towards expressing feelings and I need someone to talk to. At least someone that has 22 years of repressed stories waiting to be shared.

Dysphoria killed off any ambition I had and I have no goal in working towards something. Things I did through like seem like just jumping through hoops or making expected turns in a maze. What's the point in working towards anything if I'll be perceived as a woman who is struggling to get up in the morning, doesn't find interest in hobbies, etc? I cry most every night about this and even as I get closer to the date (October 8th), I see a light at the end of the dark tunnel.

I'm writing my dad a letter to make him see that this is an absolute need, my brain is literally crying out for testosterone and it's only being served estrogen. Time to break the silent treatment and be the bigger person than my dad who acts like a manbaby, never apologizes (my mom can vouch for this, it's not in his vocabulary), enjoys belitting me and tattling on me like a little brother over things that wouldn't exactly be that big a deal (He got home while I was vacuuming and then tells my mom I'm irresponsible, big whoop). to my mom. Sometimes I wondered if I was really the mature one in this family.

Through HRT and therapy, maybe we can really have a relationship and make up for lost time.

I think the take away good news from this is that your mom is supportive and prepared to help you, and is even acknowledging the shortcomings of the support the family can offer. Your dad sounds like a bully, but as parents, especially fathers, are fond of saying, "their house, their rules". So it sounds like you need to find a way to get through to him. My father is being similarly pigheaded and unsupportive at the moment, fortunately I don't have to live with him but that has resulted in minimal resolve on my part to get through to him. I would hope that deep down your father cares he just doesn't know how to express it, if you can get a sense of what is at the heart of his objection maybe you can use that to your advantage. Probably he sees you as his "daughter" along with all the cultural baggage that goes with that, some parents invest a lot in the gender of their child and getting them to see you as the gender you identify as may not be tricky. You are his son, mind you sons rarely have it any easier from their fathers but try dealing with him man to man, father to son, he may respect you more for it...? Good luck, hope things improve for you soon.

Silent treatment with father's, been there and have got the t-shirt. Part of the problem with given someone the silent treatment especially if you live with them. Is it is very hard on you and the others around. Others because they get caught in the cross fire, you because with out support from others who know why you just don't want to talk to them.

Writing the letter to your father is a good step as you can not only include why you need to go on T and why now.tBut it will give you a chance to get some other things off your mind. Maybe a man to man talk,  father to son will help. Hugs I hope it goes well

Ms Grace: My mom says he cares and maybe he does in his own way. He never was good in communicating feelings, just resorts to being rude and has a commanding tone sometimes when he loses control. My mothr ends up grilling me after she gets grilled by my dad since he has no one else to fight with. Maybe if I let him know that I will do what he expects of me but with HRT and therapy as well, he might relent. I'm still going to do it anyways (I'm 22 so I don't need his consent) but it would be better if he's on the same page as my mother. I'm not that desperate yet but I'm not going to wait until i pass the point of insanity.

immortal gypsy: Thanks. I was never good with talking and neither is he. Writing is the best way since I know when we talk, he likes to cut me off.

Hugs

Wishing you the best