Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Curious given the nature of gender perception to change with increasing self knowledge and experience, how has your self perception in gender shifted or remained static in the last 12 months or so, or since beginning therapy?

Anything new or different?

I'll go later.....

Satinjoy

When I first came to Susan's, I originally identified as FtM with strong feelings of identifying as non-binary. I changed from FtM to non-binary. Later on, I changed from non-binary to agender/genderless to neuter - they are all basically under the same umbrella of non-binary anyway.

Just the last few weeks... have been struggling identity-wise for certain reasons... A day or so ago, I discovered the term, "trigender" shifting between three separate genders. I feel I have genderless (the core of myself), male and female within me. They are distinct from one another... I would explain more but I am still figuring it out myself... I think you had touched on me having a triune(?) identity similar to yourself in earlier threads...? Only now, it feels more concrete than ever... I cannot deny the male and female sides of my identity any more.

I find my perception of gender is changing rapidly as I discover my identity is not as static as I previously thought, it is very fluid and ever-changing.

Thank you for creating this thread, I look forward to seeing yours and other people's responses...!

I wouldn't say that mine has changed much at all since I came to terms with it a long time ago. But I will say that it has been a really steady pull almost like a glacial flow getting closer to something more final. Maybe to that magic point where I totally melt down, much like the ice melts and turns into water. That slow but steady movement has been in me since I first started puberty. So no, not really anything has changed other than getting closer and closer to that one particular point. ???

My understanding of gender has shifted majorly since starting my exploration.

I was not aware of my gender identity before. It's a very subtle but insistent voice that has me feel comfortable in the company of females and not with males. That has me feeling happy when I see myself as feminine and unhappy when I see myself as masculine. That has me enjoying depictions and performances involving women more than those involving men.

The problem is that my gender identity doesn't speak to me in words or ideas, it speaks to me in feelings.

So the major change in my perception of my gender is that I've learned to listen and understand the feelings. The result is that I'm understanding myself as mostly a female whereas before I assumed I was male because that's what my body looked like.

Having tried transition some 20 years earlier, the male presentation/persona I decided to go with once I detransitioned always felt parked or confected anyway. I've been presenting as female now for the last six months, a persona that feels natural and yet in some ways doesn't feel much different from how I saw myself before that shift. In that sense it's a bit hard to answer your question, I'm sure something has changed but I'm not sure what, other than to say it feels more "me" than it ever has before.

I have had a very strong reinforcement of my female psyche. I am increasingly at a loss to remember anything about my attempt to live as a male. This has certainly been reinforced by my societal acceptance.

If we're talking about the past 12 months, I think how I would describe my "gender" has changed, but my feeling hasn't.

12 months ago, I would have said I was male but actively disliked all of the things men are supposed to want to be to be seen as "men" and valued and identified with many (but not all) of the things that are designated "female."

Now, I'd call myself male-bodied, somewhat feminine-leaning in preferences and (I hope!) behavior, but with no actual gender identity.  So not really a lot different.

I did a lot more changing in the preceding 9 years.  Most of it was just giving myself permission to dress and feel in non-masculine ways and getting comfortable with seeing myself (in the mirror) when I'm presenting in ways that don't conform to male standards.

One thing that has changed: I've started considering the idea of transitioning.  However, for me, "transition" would be about my body and my social role, not about how I see myself.

I think I'm more confused about the idea of gender than ever but I've come to accept that maybe I don't need to figure it out completely. Maybe I just need to express myself in the manner I feel most comfortable with and not worry about how it's defined. I know who I am and the people I love and trust dearly know who I am. So who cares about the rest of it? I am blessed to have the luxury to indulge this notion but I know others may not be so lucky.

Before I used to think gender was just one or the other, not a spectrum. Clearly, I know I'm wrong now and while I'm somewhere in the middle (non-binary), I still choose to transition to male because I want o be strong, have a beard and a nice deep voice. I can imagine my future as a man.

The evolution for me has been fascinating.

Yes Jayce I have a triune gender.  But it is quite complex.   Some say I am in denial, others validate, the shrink.... Says I have a better grip on whats going on than most he has had.

I hit the wall as a late mtf transperson and was refered by my endo to get the shrink letter, and wound up getting a good gender therapist.  Actually sex therapist.

We did a bunch of therapy and eventually cracked the orientation denial, then other denials, as I realized more of who I was.  Wanting to go out socially female was not desired nor recommended and still isn't. 

I was kind of drilled on to see if I would insist I was female trapped within the male body, but was too pragmatic with that.  Instead I said I was male, with female wiring.  That remains partially true.  But I am "notmale", with female sensual zones and heavy physical dysphoria.

The hormones came, the diagnosis of nonbinary with hormones beneficial and recommended now in my well preserved and cherished letter.

Therapy continued.   Not to get to the operations, but to understand and not underestimate the power and nuances of dysphoria.

I started on the mtf section identifying as a transwoman but could not understand why I still had a male core and presentation.  That was in January.  Hormones were ramping up, they have been now for 16 months, quite slowly, to peak and over as we know.

Knowing something was off and struggling with presentations etc, I came over and asked questions in the nonbinary section after Aisla had been seeing me melt down in the mtf forum over concerns of an inevitable full transition.  Which I beg of everyone here never, ever to suggest to me again as my solution.

It was labeled androgyn, I didn't think I belonged.  Nor anywhere else.

Then the labels changed, and I understood more of the physical nature of DES conversions.  Which remain controversial.

Finally I got into a thread where Ativan spoke of finding gender deep within when the noise was all silenced, and I discovered the concept of "core".

This led to the understanding of the triune gender nature I describe.  The core, the soul, the deep place within that is amuzed by gender, and is also a force for nonbinary trans advocacy here in Susans, the physical nature which remains "female" wired, and the social nature which remains totally  fluid.  As Suzie has said, it is all experiential, how I feel, how I observe me responding to the outside and the inside worlds.

This has led to what I believe is my truth.  It cost me a great deal to find it.  There were explorations and threads, the most wonderful being the "authenticity" thread, that furthered my understanding of core and presentational gender identity.

That triune gender identity has remained rock solid now since I discovered the "core " concept.  The diamond of trans concept.  Facets seen, fire burning within.  Must be seen in 3D to be comprehended.

That is my journey.  Now it about the courage to present without compromise, based on truth.  At the moment, it means I look like male with a beard and rather beautiful nails that are still growing.  That is the business normal presentation.  Lean back and the breasts are revealed, small but authentic.  Usually hidden.  Fully female presenting under the outerwear.

More than a presentation.  It is who I am socially,  an mtf no-op, knowing h'erself, that freely moves in a man's rough world in subcontracting under the radar but ready with an explanation if challenged.  There are plenty of authentic cisfemales who look the same in construction, although I have a beard under that hand, which I will not reveal in this forum.

It is necessary to keep it to remain married and intact.  The genderqueer presentation that is truth when with very close family, both binaries glaringly revealed.

Many forms. Full transition early and alone, half at night, and stealth genderqueer by day, but the core is a constant, the feeling genuine, the life amazing and very authentic as far as I can tell.

This post was about others not me, but since you asked, Jayce, that is my answer to the section.

Many cannot comprehend it, but I can, and that is all that matters.

It's evolving in step with my evolving understanding of what gender is. A bit like the chicken or the egg I really couldn't tel you which one came first.

I went from thinking I was CIS, and being miserable because of what others told, taught and expected of me my whole life, to being who and what I am now.

Who and what I am now, is the big question, which I haven't got an answer to yet.

My perception of gender hasn't changed, though the narrative does.
If you see gender as a thing, then it is something you sense as having a value and you buy it.
If you sense gender as a concept, it can evolve.
If you see a concept in full, for what it is, only the narrative around it changes as a way to talk about it.
If that gives it a sense of evolving, then the narrative has value.
The narrative has value, the concept is just that, a concept and has no value in itself.
We place value on what we want something to be, it's that narrative that contains it's value for each person.
If the narrative leads to gender being a thing, it's really the narrative you see as having value and you buy the one you want.
If the narrative remains about a concept, it is worth nothing, yet can be priceless because of it.
It's your sense of values that determines the price you pay to believe if a concept is a thing or not.
Ativan

Until relatively recently (maybe 3 years ago?), I actually thought I was just an unusual cisgendered woman. I hadn't even heard of being genderqueer, non-binary, etc. A very good friend used to quirk his eyebrow at me every time I would refer to myself as cisgendered. Finally one day he looked me square in the face and said, "You know you're more than a little genderqueer, right?" That was my lightbulb moment.

To answer this question though, over the last year or so I have definitely shifted from seeing myself as bigender to more genderfluid. I used to switch between feeling presenting totally femme and totally masculine, but anymore I feel and present as just floating around the middle, swaying back and forth, or just presenting in ways that are completely confusing to other people but make me ridiculously happy, such as full make-up but male clothing.

To be clear, I don't feel as though my identity has changed, but my understanding of that identity has grown.

Quote from: Cindy on September 30, 2014, 08:24:34 AM
I have had a very strong reinforcement of my female psyche. I am increasingly at a loss to remember anything about my attempt to live as a male. This has certainly been reinforced by my societal acceptance.

Same here!  :)

Quote from: Boo Stew on September 30, 2014, 10:00:22 AM
Maybe I just need to express myself in the manner I feel most comfortable with and not worry about how it's defined. I know who I am and the people I love and trust dearly know who I am. So who cares about the rest of it?

There are moments in my life where it is this simple. I wish I could sit in those moments forever.

Sometimes it's not that simple because I need to clarify my identity for myself. Sometimes it's not that simple because people around me (who I care about and/or are necessary parts of my life) need a definition.

Quote from: Rowan on September 30, 2014, 10:50:46 PM
There are moments in my life where it is this simple. I wish I could sit in those moments forever.

Sometimes it's not that simple because I need to clarify my identity for myself. Sometimes it's not that simple because people around me (who I care about and/or are necessary parts of my life) need a definition.

Very true. Or they need a reminder. I can't tell you how many times close friends have waffled on me slipping back into saying Mr. this and Sir that despite knowing my preference (especially when presenting otherwise) I can't blame them, it's confusing that I'm not magically different after coming out but still...

If anything, I relate to women even more now that I'm living as one. I go through a lot of the same things as any other woman and deal with the same crap from men. I suppose I have much more appreciation for what women go through. And my experiences thus far have certainly solidified my gender identity.

Well, right now. I kind of wish I could go tomorrow and get a diagnosis for lung cancer. I wish I was in Dallas and knew the guy that supposedly had Ebola.

Sorry but in my beliefs wrong or right I believe in reincarnation and as long as my brain dies with that notion I may be or at least feel I may be reborn. Doesn't really matter though. If I die with the feeling that I am going to heaven, that last six minutes will be heaven, If I believe I am going to hell then that last six minute will be hell and if I believe that I will have another life after then.... Well at least for six minutes, I will be happy after so many years. :-\ I don't really care anymore. I'm just ready for the end. Don't worry though when it is it is. I would never do it myself. I do not want to have to relive this hell.

 :icon_sad: Awww sweetie.....
Such a big hug for you, hoping to hold on long enough to go where you're going.... :icon_sad:

Quote from: Jess42 on October 02, 2014, 05:23:51 PM
Well, right now. I kind of wish I could go tomorrow and get a diagnosis for lung cancer. I wish I was in Dallas and knew the guy that supposedly had Ebola.

*pats back*
sootball isn't ready for your end. the rest of me will accept it though.
kind of interesting thing, that ball of soot.
been a while since i've been down there, those pits of mortal anguish. i prefer playing with fire in hell. a whole lot more fun.
would burning your tortured soul make it stop hurting...?

my perception of my own gender...
probably hasn't changed at all for the last very many years. since the beginning of puberty at least.
i always knew who i am and what i want. interesting to find this in my memory, i always knew the truth, just avoided it for too long.

but something has still changed. not the perception, but more like the perspective.
it's the difference between the future i'd be able to view chained to a heavy rock sinking towards the bottom of a deep dark lake, and the ones i'm able to see on top of a tall mountain no a late summer day.

been almost a year since i found the key to simply be.
knew this was the answer for much longer, but knowing and doing are very different things.
took a while to learn to use the key properly too.

now i can turn off noise when i notice it, or i can let it be for a while if i'd rather know what this noise is.
repressing feelings does no good. but feeling them for days on end does even less good.
instead i'll feel it deeply, know the feeling, and then let it go.

only became possible after i found the key. interesting thing.
still have no idea how it works, but it does.
and it can be used on any feelings, even dysphoria.
the wrongness is still there, felt almost like a physical thing. that won't go away, but the sadness and bitterness do.
so all i have left is a tingle somewhere in the back of my head, that almost feels pleasant.
because it confirms i am me.

This time about a year ago is about when I first started thinking of myself as bigender/genderfluid. My perception of my gender has changed many, many, times over the last year, and likely will continue to. The one thing that has changed is that when it flips to guy mode for an extended period of time, by which I mean like a few days, I don't go back into denial mode, and I accept that I'm not magically cured, it's just that I am sometimes a guy, and no longer kid myself that it will last forever. In fact, thinking of myself as just being in guy mode, rather than being a guy has helped quite a lot.