Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Aubrey on October 03, 2014, 09:07:16 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Hello from Cape Cod. I need some support and advise please!!!!
Post by: Aubrey on October 03, 2014, 09:07:16 PM
Post by: Aubrey on October 03, 2014, 09:07:16 PM
Hi, my name is Aubrey. I'm currently not living as my true gendered self. In fact, I am with the greatest amount of sadness possible recognizing that this is the tenth anniversary of when I was basically forced by my family to transition back to living as a man after four rather difficult (but fulfilling) years. It broke my heart to be rejected by family that I thought were my allies, and overall it's been terrible, but truth be told, up until the past year or two, I've pretty much have repressed it as much as possible because things were going OK on my personal relations front, and because I realized that regardless of no matter how much I've struggled internally, it was easier to fake it being a guy. That being said, with this being the tenth anniversary of that even, I feel like a complete sell out and failure.
However, a lot has changed recently. I started a nursing program which will give me a salary and career that will allow me to transition successfully this time. The question is, do I do it? My heart and soul tell me yes. My program tells me "yes" (though in not so many words, aside from saying that you can't be a successful nurse without being true to yourself). What makes this difficult is that I have a wife whom I love very much, but our relationship has been deteriorating, and a 9 month old baby (one that I never thought I could have because of my years on estrogen and aldactone). I don't know how to talk to my wife about this, without alienating her. She means the world to me; I'm so madly in love with her, but I made the decision to not come out to her after facing rampant rejection and being ostracized by everyone I had divulged my real self to. She was such an amazing thing to happen to me, that I didn't want to destroy it because of the risk of losing her, and now several years later, I face that fact with real panic and worry.
I just want to be able to be myself. i want to be able to dress how I want, and be happy. A couple months ago, I randomly ran into info about photoestrogens, and since then have been drinking soy milk regularly. I know that it's a weak estrogen, but I can feel the difference inside of me, and physically as well. It makes me want to be back on estrogen again. My skin has smoothed (if feels more womanly), my facial hair has slown down, my breasts are starting to get fuller again, and I don't need my anxiety pills anymore That's the best part!!! I feel so calm and wonderful with my little soybean friend. I don't get general anxiety anymore...at all!! I feel at peace; which brings me back to my concerns about my wife. I feel like I'm starting a divergent path; one that will take me away from her, rather than keeping me from her.
Anyhow, I'm rather exhausted trying to get this out as concisely as possible. I need help please. I need a therapist to talk to that is trans friendly. I used to got to Sidney Borum when I lived in Boston and was living as a woman. I saw Story Stevenson there. If anyone is from Mass, and goes there, and knows her, can you find out how I might be able to get ahold of her? She was so great to me.
Thank you!
However, a lot has changed recently. I started a nursing program which will give me a salary and career that will allow me to transition successfully this time. The question is, do I do it? My heart and soul tell me yes. My program tells me "yes" (though in not so many words, aside from saying that you can't be a successful nurse without being true to yourself). What makes this difficult is that I have a wife whom I love very much, but our relationship has been deteriorating, and a 9 month old baby (one that I never thought I could have because of my years on estrogen and aldactone). I don't know how to talk to my wife about this, without alienating her. She means the world to me; I'm so madly in love with her, but I made the decision to not come out to her after facing rampant rejection and being ostracized by everyone I had divulged my real self to. She was such an amazing thing to happen to me, that I didn't want to destroy it because of the risk of losing her, and now several years later, I face that fact with real panic and worry.
I just want to be able to be myself. i want to be able to dress how I want, and be happy. A couple months ago, I randomly ran into info about photoestrogens, and since then have been drinking soy milk regularly. I know that it's a weak estrogen, but I can feel the difference inside of me, and physically as well. It makes me want to be back on estrogen again. My skin has smoothed (if feels more womanly), my facial hair has slown down, my breasts are starting to get fuller again, and I don't need my anxiety pills anymore That's the best part!!! I feel so calm and wonderful with my little soybean friend. I don't get general anxiety anymore...at all!! I feel at peace; which brings me back to my concerns about my wife. I feel like I'm starting a divergent path; one that will take me away from her, rather than keeping me from her.
Anyhow, I'm rather exhausted trying to get this out as concisely as possible. I need help please. I need a therapist to talk to that is trans friendly. I used to got to Sidney Borum when I lived in Boston and was living as a woman. I saw Story Stevenson there. If anyone is from Mass, and goes there, and knows her, can you find out how I might be able to get ahold of her? She was so great to me.
Thank you!
Title: Re: Hello from Cape Cod. I need some support and advise please!!!!
Post by: Mark3 on October 03, 2014, 10:47:16 PM
Post by: Mark3 on October 03, 2014, 10:47:16 PM
Hi Aubrey,
Welcome to Susan's, its great to meet you.
That was an awesome intro, thanks for sharing your story.
I so sincerely hope you will find your way to being your true self.
This is a great place to do that, our family will surely try and help in every way, and plenty of resources for your use.
Please take care,
Mark
Welcome to Susan's, its great to meet you.
That was an awesome intro, thanks for sharing your story.
I so sincerely hope you will find your way to being your true self.
This is a great place to do that, our family will surely try and help in every way, and plenty of resources for your use.
Please take care,
Mark
Title: Re: Hello from Cape Cod. I need some support and advise please!!!!
Post by: V M on October 03, 2014, 11:52:24 PM
Post by: V M on October 03, 2014, 11:52:24 PM
Hi Aubrey :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Please be sure to review
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Please be sure to review
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Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Hello from Cape Cod. I need some support and advise please!!!!
Post by: mrs izzy on October 04, 2014, 12:48:47 AM
Post by: mrs izzy on October 04, 2014, 12:48:47 AM
Welcome Aubrey to Susan's family.
Only you know the answer to the questions.
If not today maybe another 5 or 10 years you could stuff it. Then maybe another 5.
It comes down to who you wish to make happy and who sad. If your wife is bi I would say you have a good chance to make it work.
Communication and therapy I would suggest.
Only you know the answer to the questions.
If not today maybe another 5 or 10 years you could stuff it. Then maybe another 5.
It comes down to who you wish to make happy and who sad. If your wife is bi I would say you have a good chance to make it work.
Communication and therapy I would suggest.
Title: Re: Hello from Cape Cod. I need some support and advise please!!!!
Post by: Aubrey on October 05, 2014, 04:40:53 PM
Post by: Aubrey on October 05, 2014, 04:40:53 PM
Thanks to those that have responded. I apreciate your recognition. I hope more people might be able to reach out a little and offer me a little guidance. I don't know how to deal with this situation.
Title: Re: Hello from Cape Cod. I need some support and advise please!!!!
Post by: Devlyn on October 05, 2014, 06:36:35 PM
Post by: Devlyn on October 05, 2014, 06:36:35 PM
Hi Aubrey, it's nice to meet you! I'm from Weymouth. You'll get good advice here, see you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Hello from Cape Cod. I need some support and advise please!!!!
Post by: JLT1 on October 05, 2014, 10:21:01 PM
Post by: JLT1 on October 05, 2014, 10:21:01 PM
Hi,
Welcome.. There are a number of great people here. You have found a home.
I read your post and I was not going to respond because I don't know that you will like what I'm going to say. Ten I changed my mind. I write this because I care. We are alike. I know where you are at.
You are in a program. Finish it. Get your life in order while you lay the ground work for your transition or you are asking for a wreck. You have a wife and a new child. You need to make allowance for them. Plan for what is coming and you will do well. Be here! Read, listen, interact and learn. There are great things coming but there are probably terrible things coming. You need to be ready.
I wish I had easier advice.
Hugs,
Jen
.
Welcome.. There are a number of great people here. You have found a home.
I read your post and I was not going to respond because I don't know that you will like what I'm going to say. Ten I changed my mind. I write this because I care. We are alike. I know where you are at.
You are in a program. Finish it. Get your life in order while you lay the ground work for your transition or you are asking for a wreck. You have a wife and a new child. You need to make allowance for them. Plan for what is coming and you will do well. Be here! Read, listen, interact and learn. There are great things coming but there are probably terrible things coming. You need to be ready.
I wish I had easier advice.
Hugs,
Jen
.
Title: Re: Hello from Cape Cod. I need some support and advise please!!!!
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on October 05, 2014, 11:21:17 PM
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on October 05, 2014, 11:21:17 PM
Hi Aubrey, (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fmini-panda-21.gif&hash=aa747892f6a13c54e75506a3acf0e22ade9c95e9)
Welcome to our little family. Over 14007 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet )O(
Welcome to our little family. Over 14007 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet )O(
Title: Re: Hello from Cape Cod. I need some support and advise please!!!!
Post by: Aubrey on October 06, 2014, 08:09:02 PM
Post by: Aubrey on October 06, 2014, 08:09:02 PM
Hi Devlyn and Ms. Obrien. Thank you!
JLT1, thank you for taking the time to respond. It's often difficult to tell someone something you think they may not want to hear, but I appreciate you having the respect and compassion to give me some direction. My main focus right now is getting through my program. That will open up so many unbelievable doors, that I'd be foolish to let my issues get in the way. The difficult part is that I am almost two years away from finishing, so what do I do in the meantime? Now do I get my life in order? I don't have a ton of time to be on this forum to find a lot of information--between school, a wife, baby, and a job, my time is stretched very thin, so any advice from you or anyone else would be appreciated. I know there are terrible things bound to come. I faced them the first time. Now I face the admonition of my wife's family, as well as from those that abandoned me in the first place. The ironic thing that I discovered after I was forced to detransition (is that the term?) is that I didn't really get anyone back except for my brother. I sacrificed myself, my identity to make a bunch of people happy, and it was a complete waste of everything. I just want to do the right thing by my family, but I recognize that I could end up losing everything.
JLT1, thank you for taking the time to respond. It's often difficult to tell someone something you think they may not want to hear, but I appreciate you having the respect and compassion to give me some direction. My main focus right now is getting through my program. That will open up so many unbelievable doors, that I'd be foolish to let my issues get in the way. The difficult part is that I am almost two years away from finishing, so what do I do in the meantime? Now do I get my life in order? I don't have a ton of time to be on this forum to find a lot of information--between school, a wife, baby, and a job, my time is stretched very thin, so any advice from you or anyone else would be appreciated. I know there are terrible things bound to come. I faced them the first time. Now I face the admonition of my wife's family, as well as from those that abandoned me in the first place. The ironic thing that I discovered after I was forced to detransition (is that the term?) is that I didn't really get anyone back except for my brother. I sacrificed myself, my identity to make a bunch of people happy, and it was a complete waste of everything. I just want to do the right thing by my family, but I recognize that I could end up losing everything.