Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Me, and my body...we're on pretty good terms at this point. After almost 4 years on hormones and general mental health improvement I've gotta say that I almost always feel comfortable in my own skin. I like the way I look, I like the way I feel.

But last week I had one of those situations where my discomfort of my body and how I felt spiked. I was at a clothing store that sells only men's clothing, and it's a real specialty kind of shop. I noticed some sleeveless shirts that had high arm holes (something that's tough to find). I tried one on and it fit pretty good, plus my binder was completely covered from the fabric. I felt awesome! I wanted to try on one more thing I saw on their website...it was a flight suit. I put it on and noticed the waist didn't quite fit right and that I would have to wear it high on my waist. I moved it around, zipped up and looked at myself in the mirror. It was a weird shocking experience. I didn't cry but I felt like I might. I felt like I looked like a woman trying to be a man. I looked frumpy in the ill fitted garment.

I basically got one little look in the mirror and instantly thought "nope, not buying this. Flightsuits have been ruined." So, I won't be trying on a flightsuit for a very long time.

For those of you who have been in a place of comfort with yourselves, and your bodies...have you had a moment like this? What happened to make you feel the way you felt?

I'm pre-everything but should be starting on T by the end of this month. I've had many moments where I want to try something on because it looks good on the sales rack and when I go to try it on it just doesn't look good at all. My chest has always been an issue for me but thankfully I now have binders. My chest hangs lower than the average person and because of this I have to bind in a way that makes me look slightly strange from the side view. I tend to pop out just slightly because I am overweight. If I was to lose 30-40 pounds then my chest is the first place to go down, but then I look like I'm 10 when I'm really 25 and I don't pass as well. Now, I do pass 100% of the time and it sucks that being overweight is a key factor. Even though I pass, I still can't help but to feel a little off at times. But, I worked hard with myself to realized that I cannot and will not strangle my chest area to "look perfect". When I approach a sales clerk I stand in front of them because you can't tell that I have a chest or a binder on from the front. I wouldn't say that I have trouble wearing binders, but in hot humid south Florida, it can become difficult to breath in the hot sun/humid weather because I'm overweight and parking centers are nightmares and I don't have A/C in my car at the moment. I basically work with what I got, I buy my shirts to fit and my pants to fit. I find that if I dress a little more casual that I have less of an issue with my chest area because I look presentable that people don't eyeball me too closely. I get compliments on my style and therefore I feel good enough to not feel too bad about my chest. Everyday I wake up and I tell myself that everything is going to be okay. I'm a few weeks from T and will be able to begin a workout routine that will not compromise my appearance and ability to pass and I can become healthy. Thank You for sharing your story, I hope that I have encouraged others.

I went in to a tailors shop for suits. I was getting my inseam measured after being asked "what side do you dress to". The guy (who was insanely polite, sweet and damn good looking) said "I didnt know Americans were so big" to himself. It hit me pretty hard. I kept thinking that my packer looked fake and that I wasn't fooling anyone. I felt pretty damn bad after and when I came home I just laid on my bed and felt miserable. My partner kept telling me that it wasn't what I was thinking, and if anything the tailor, who was young, probably hadn't measured many Americans and that he probably assumed I wouldn't know what he was saying. I've been on t for nearly for 3 years and I know I pass. It was triggering for reasons I can't even explain.

I did a horrible feminine simpering thing when I was out in public with my mother a few weeks ago.  I was horrified.  A large man had done something, I dunno, gallant and helpful for us, I want to say chivalrous, and according to my long ago training, when that happens you smile, duck your head, and act charmed and, ehm, inferior, but in a nice way (?) (which I probably learned because it freed me from having to say anything).  Even back in the day, it was showing submission in an uncomfortable and awful way, but the fact that I did it automatically (probably because I couldn't think of anything to say) after three years of overt maleness just made me sick to my stomach.

Quote from: Liam Erik on October 04, 2014, 11:56:36 PM
I did a horrible feminine simpering thing when I was out in public with my mother a few weeks ago.  I was horrified.  A large man had done something, I dunno, gallant and helpful for us, I want to say chivalrous, and according to my long ago training, when that happens you smile, duck your head, and act charmed and, ehm, inferior, but in a nice way (?) (which I probably learned because it freed me from having to say anything).  Even back in the day, it was showing submission in an uncomfortable and awful way, but the fact that I did it automatically (probably because I couldn't think of anything to say) after three years of overt maleness just made me sick to my stomach.

I just wanted to say I've had this happen to me. When I went back to the states for surgery I acted as I was trained to from early childhood and it really messed with my head. The standards are so different and I acted on instinct. Afterwards I felt like crap and I just barely held back tears. I felt violated and subjugated and angry. I'm not saying men don't feel that way, but I'm much more confident now and to feel that way hurt my pride.

I'm pre-T but am viewed correctly about 90% of the time.  My voice after "re socializing" myself has been described as either androgynous or masculine ( I have a lower speaking voice than a couple of my cismale same-age friends) and I don't think about it too much. Yesterday I answered the phone at work and an anonymous male coworker who I haven't met (from another store) said I "sounded gorgeous" that day, and spoke to me like he was flirting with a woman. Ouch. I got off the phone as quickly as possible, and I didn't speak much the rest of the day. I haven't had that horrible of a feeling in a long time.

Quote from: Ayden on October 04, 2014, 10:54:49 PM
I went in to a tailors shop for suits. I was getting my inseam measured after being asked "what side do you dress to". The guy (who was insanely polite, sweet and damn good looking) said "I didnt know Americans were so big" to himself. It hit me pretty hard. I kept thinking that my packer looked fake and that I wasn't fooling anyone. I felt pretty damn bad after and when I came home I just laid on my bed and felt miserable. My partner kept telling me that it wasn't what I was thinking, and if anything the tailor, who was young, probably hadn't measured many Americans and that he probably assumed I wouldn't know what he was saying. I've been on t for nearly for 3 years and I know I pass. It was triggering for reasons I can't even explain.

I just want to say, I wouldn't read into that AT ALL man. I really think he was probably just impressed at the size, the thought of it being "fake" probably didn't even cross his mind. I'm sure there were other things contributing to your dysphoria there but I just wanted to say that the situation doesn't strike me as off in any way at all.