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I am literally sick, I feel that keeping this secret from my wife is killing me inside. Sick to my stomach. I am dodging left and right now and a complete wreck because not only is dysphoria killing me very intensely now, but worrying about stuff at home is too.

She's asking more and more questions, first of all. I paint my nails with clear nail polish but I really don't show her. However she asks why our home office smells like nail polish. She even handed me the nail clipper yesterday. She has been hounding me to get a haircut, even though it's not really that long, and previously she'd not even bother, as I'd let it grow pretty big. She panicked about my brows even though it's not full femme yet, just a bit wider spaced, I figured I'd thin them up and shape them gradually. But I feel as though I'm losing control of my own body.

She has also said that she thinks about "us" a lot and that we don't get a lot of time for "us" anymore. It's actually true. Since the kids arrived we've been distant, but I've been using the alone time to dress and I even self medicated for a couple of months in the last few years (shame on me, but I was at the end of my rope) but I since quit.

I almost wanted to end it a few times. Without going into details, I pretty much had an idea how I was going to do it. But I really don't want to leave my young kids without a dad, it's going to happen either way, if I don't die I'll still be a "dad" but at the same time I won't be.

Their birthday is tomorrow. Yay for them? I want to clear that then come out to her and then I have that for the therapy appointment next week.

So here is my question - what the heck do I tell her? Do I just come out and say, "hey, I have a secret to tell you. I am a woman trapped in a man's body."

I need ideas. I was going to ask the therapist, but I might end up doing it before the appointment.

Hi Kate,

I understand what you're going through right now.  You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, but you should tell your wife.  Gender dysphoria just gets worse over time, and yours is now to the point where it has finally taken center stage.

You didn't need to transition before, but now it appears that it may become necessary.  Telling her something along the lines of, "I need to talk to a therapist because I'm starting to think I might be transgender." is probably the best way to do it.  She will feel hurt, and tears will be shed.  She will ask you why you never told her before, and this is where it gets tricky.  You don't want her to feel that you have betrayed her, so you will need to mention that gender dysphoria is progressive in nature.  You have what is essentially a woman's brain and it isn't getting fed the correct hormones to function properly. 

I wish you all the luck in the world with this.  I hope that she can be made to understand exactly what you are going through, and that you being happy is a far better outcome than you being six feet under.

Hugs,
Jill

Last June, I was where you are now. Wasn't femming myself, but dressing when I had free time, and had a 2 month old, struggling with my gender. I went to a therapist before anyone but my best friend knew.
I came out a month later, and it was rough. It took us several months to start getting our relationship back on track, but I honestly thought she was going to leave me.
It is an awful stage to go through. I knew something was different about me since I was 15, and I'm almost 29 now. Recently, I got advice on here about the past being the past, and changing your future for the better.
Honestly, I only seriously thought about"the end" once, and luckily my son was home alone with me, or I'd have done it. But it is so much more worth it to come out. The day I told my wife, she was going to leave. That hurt, but I felt so relieved to be starting a new chapter in my life.
Things will eventually get better. See a therapist, come out, and be the woman you should have been all along.
btw, if you need extra support, I live in berks county in Pennsylvania. My wife is from ocean county in new jersey. If you want to talk, message me and we can Skype

There's no easy way to do it...it's just got to be done. 

Here's my one bit of advice.  I had heard a few people say that in "the talk" there's a fine line between full disclosure and TMI.  I never understood what that meant until I had the talk with my wife.  And it's absolutely true.  Your wife's head will be spinning, and all sorts of emotions are going to come rushing up at her.  Betrayal, fear, anger, etc.  So your job is to get the ball rolling and then answer questions.  Don't be evasive, but also don't feel like you need to explain everything.  There will be plenty of time for that later.

Ok...one more thing.  Remember that you've taken years to come to accept yourself.  It will take time for her as well.


I wish you the best of luck.  And please keep us updated.  You'll be amazed at the weight that will lift off your shoulders.  :)

Kate, I can relate very much :hugs:. You have to get this out. It will be rough and there's no predicting how it will go.

From what you write it sounds as if your wife already has an idea that something is up. So get it out.

I totally second that there is this fine line between disclosure and tmi.

When I told my husband I tried to focus on describing how I feel about myself, and how I have struggled. I'm not sure that's the way to go, but I tried to get the message across that I haven't been willfully deceiving him, that I have struggled very much with acknowledging who I am, and how much I am torn between wanting to protect him and not hurting myself. I told him about my sui thoughts. I'm not sure that's advisable in all cases - it may make your s.o. feel you're blackmailing them. I had to get that out though, also to make him understand that things are serious.

Understandably my husband is very insistent in wanting to know what my plans are for the future. Like, he would like me to tell him now: in so and so many months I will start HRT, then this will happen, etc. But I think he is beginning to understands that I can't tell him this at this point (because I don't know myself), that this will be a process of one step at a time. So when I talked to him I resisted the "pressure" to give a definite answer. This absolutely made things more difficult for him, but I wasn't in a position to give him this yet.

I hope things go well for you! Sending you lots of courage and good thoughts!

Kate,

It sounds awful. I don't have any help or advice to offer you I'm afraid. I can say I know the feelings and emotions - I think our experiences have many similarities. I can send you some virtual love, hugs and empathy. (Doing it*)

In my own mind I have to think, with positivity, that children are much more open and accepting than the adult world we've brought them into.

X

I lucked out in this regard, I always kind of knew I had some GD issues, but I made sure that I chose a wife based on my real core identity and personality, and not the male front that I had built up for the rest of the world.

And I had the good fortune that I listened to the advice here and on my other forum about partners.  You really need to talk to them as soon as you can in the process if you care about the relationship.  Waiting months into HRT is going to be worse than telling them earlier on.  If you have started things already, sooner is still better than later.  GD may be hell on us, and unfair for us, but the fact that most of us really don't know exactly what is going on until we are in a relationship is not fair to our partner either.  Frankly it is society/cultures fault for not handling gender variance in an open and sane way, but it is critical to respect your partner's POV too.  You have to do what you have to do, but honour them as well.  Besides, how far down the path can you go and hide it from a spouse?  Far better to disclose than get caught.

I lucked out that my wife already kind of understood GD and trans issues, and she recognizes that much of what she loves me for is who I really am, perhaps even because of my gender variant non-binary self.   

We have kids too, I also worry about being a good parent, and dad.  But even if once talking with your therapist (get one if you don't have one) full transition is your path, your family needs you, and getting a relationship through this takes hard work.

If she doesn't know what GD is maybe start with that, because that is a core issue, it is the demon that can kill those of us that have it.  If she doesn't know about the GD she won't understand the very real agony and terror that can come with it, she won't get what it means to look in the mirror and not see yourself, for years.  Trans is more a cure than a condition the way I look at it.  I like what the others said about not over-sharing in the first conversation, because you need to let her know, but the first conversation is more about her needs and fears than yours in a way.  Emphasise that you love her, and always have and always will, that that won't change.  Maybe find her a good non-toxic partner support group, site or forum. 


- Jaded Jade

Thanks for the support. I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was going to have SRS and I was actually on the operating table.

The surgeon was there and she was telling me, "ok this is it. Anything you want to do before you go to sleep?" 

I said, "jeez, maybe I should tell my wife first. Oh and I need to pee. Let me go so I can stand up and pee one last time."

Then I woke up (I had to pee lol).

Tomorrow is when I plan to tell her. Today is our kids birthday and I don't want to mess that up. I'm thinking of having the whole talk about how since I was little I felt like I never really liked being a boy and I will show her the family pics where I pretty much looked like a girl (pictriev also genders them 80-95% female consistently). My facebook profile pic has one with me girling it up too. She was puzzled why I put that particular one up. My mom and cuz (who was like my sister) adored it too. Won't it be weird if my mom accepts me. She always wanted a daughter, in fact when they were trying for a second child they were hoping for a girl. Oh well. Better late than never right? That's my next person I will come out to but that might be a bit down the road.

I have therapy next week. Really excited and nervous. I do plan to pour my feelings out. Keeping it inside too long is killing me.

We're told that most marriages don't survive transition, but it's just not true. A recent study showed that a bit less than half of MTF long-term relationships do make it.  I found that really encouraging...i hope you do too :)

I sure hope things are amicable at the least. If the marriage can't survive I am hoping that I at least get to be with my kids often.

Kate,
I like your dream, it sums up the anxiety with humor.  When you tell her she may blow up.  My wife did, I hope you've taken the time to read some of the Significant Other postings.  They are poignant and realistic.  I hope it goes well, but keep your expectations low.  Conversation may happen later, but we ask a lot when we become something entirely new.  That there may be feelings of betrayal and anger ought not be a surprise.

Patience, courtesy, and realistic expectations are what you can bring.  I hope it goes well.  Happy Birthday to the kids.  :D

Julie

I have been looking, and it makes me anxious thinking of what will happen. 

I honestly do not know what to expect. She has two daughters from another marriage, and one of them, while probably not trans, does not fit into the "girl" stereotype at all. She keeps her long hair in a ponytail but she drives a truck cross country and really doesn't dress like a girl or act like one. My wife has called her "a boy" a good few times too. I never really said anything. But she loves her with every fiber of her being. So I guess there could be some tolerance.

But anyway I am expecting the worst and worse come to worse I wanted to move out of NJ anyway.

Give her time - her first response won't be her last. 

Hugs to you both,

Julie

Quote from: katiej on October 07, 2014, 11:25:29 AM
We're told that most marriages don't survive transition, but it's just not true. A recent study showed that a bit less than half of MTF long-term relationships do make it.  I found that really encouraging...i hope you do too :)

Interesting!  Aren't the odds of any marriage surviving something like 50/50 anyway?

Well, we pushed up the conversation to tonight. Actually I did after she noticed my nails. So far not so bad but she wants an in depth talk with me and not just something "in passing."

Quote from: JulieBlair on October 07, 2014, 12:11:14 PM
Give her time - her first response won't be her last. 

This is really good advice.  Acceptance is a process that takes time.

Quote from: Jill F on October 07, 2014, 02:16:34 PM
Interesting!  Aren't the odds of any marriage surviving something like 50/50 anyway?

My understanding is that this stat has been exaggerated.  But you do bring up a good point.  Whatever the number is, too many marriages end in divorce and for a lot of different reasons.

It's interesting to note that 60% of FTM relationships survive transition.  That's got to be pretty close to the overall average.

Well, I'm out. She knows now. Naturally she says she felt betrayed because I hadn't told her earlier. She also said that me transitioning would probably be the same as me dying because I won't be the same person. The whole conversation was used to air a laundry list of concerns, but I answered all of her questions.

I told her about therapy and she said to go get my help but she still feels betrayed.

I feel sick but somewhat relieved.

Good for you, Kate.  I felt a real sense of relief and euphoria after it...followed by what the hell do I do now?  :)

The sense of betrayal is normal, but hopefully she'll be understanding because you were up front with her early on.  And it's also very common for wives to feel like their husband is dying.  And despite our assurances that we're still the same people, they do have a point.

I'm glad you had the courage to talk to her! Her response sounds like something to work with! I hope you can find a way together! :hugs:

Last night was pretty distressing. After the talk I pretty much wanted to just walk outside and hope a black bear saved me the trouble of doing it myself. . Yes, I felt like total piece of dog crap with vomit on it.

She said she was hoping we would have gotten closer and more intimate because she misses that, because for a long time things just weren't happening, once per year at most.

The kids, I told her that I love the kids (and her) with everything I have. She said that me transitioning would be the same as death. I might have to seek some advice as to how to deal with transition and the kids, because to be honest I do dress around them when she's not there and they really don't make a big deal about it. I told her pretty much that I'm already dying inside so it's damned if I do, damned if I don't.

So many people find themselves in this situation, not just transgenders either.  Finding yourself in a situation where you cannot find common ground with a partner is heart breaking, but in this case it sounds like it was inevitable. :(

If you NEED to come out then you need to come out, end of story.

I have been in almost exactly the same situation as you, the only difference is that I didn't come out to my wife as there were other irreparable differences that caused our marriage to fail before that.  Here I am 8 years later, in a loving relationship with a man who adores me, a few months away from one of my two kids moving in with me permanently, on good terms with the ex-wife (well comparably good terms) and I have been living as a woman for 5 or so years, taking hormones for 4 months.

I thought there was nothing left to live for when my ex-wife drove away with my kids, and here I am happy than I have ever been.

I pray that if there is love on both sides you can keep your marriage intact, but if it comes down to a divorce there is life afterwards, good life, with good times and good people.

Alice
xx

Kate, hang on in there, ok? I don't have kids myself, and I don't know how old yours are, but I find the story of Ezekiel and his wife + children very inspiring: http://firsttimesecondtime.com. He started his ftm transition two years ago, and he and his wife are both blogging about their experiences.

Oddly enough this morning she acts as if nothing happened, other than I notice her putting on more makeup than usual. Maybe it's denial, or acceptance. Who knows. All I know is that I need to go to therapy next week and that's my focus.

I am also thinking about how I came out.

I told her first that I have been feeling uncomfortable about myself, ever since I was a child, 4-5 years old. I asked her what I am, she said a man and her husband. I told her that I am uncomfortable about one of those things... naturally she asked if I was leaving. I told her that no, it was that I was a man on the outside.

I hesitated a lot before I uttered the "T" word. "Yes, I might be transgender, and it's really distressing me inside, to the point where I had contemplated ending it all within the last 10 years, several times."

"Has your mom or dad known?"

"My mom caught me dressing a few times, yes. But so far you're the only family member knows the secret in full." That's true.

What really hit home was when I said that every night I go to sleep wishing that I would wake up as a woman. I am not sure I should have used those exact words, but that is exactly what I've been doing. Pretty much every...damn...night. It's the only thing that would get me to sleep.

As of now I'm relieved but worried. Worried about what next, and about my kids. I really don't want to lose them above all, and that is tearing me up. She might think that I would influence my son to be trans, but I hope she figures out that it just doesn't work that way.

Oh this brings up memories.  I was three months into HRT before I came out to my wife.  I remember well the desire to crawl into a hole and fill it with my own vomit.  Here is the thing, transition is not about choice.  Once your bell goes off to continue on as you are becomes something like spiritual suicide.  You are not culpable, wrong, or bad to admit to yourself the truth about how you relate to yourself and your body.

Once she absorbs the initial shock, your spouse may begin to realize that much of what attracted her to you had to do with gender ambiguity.  That was the case with my wife, but in the end she has chosen a path different from mine.

If you wife is willing to join you in couples therapy then you can talk about this in a safe and neutral place.  I wish you all the luck and love in the world.  PM me anytime, and I'll give you my phone number if you need someone to talk to.

I wish you peace,
Julie

Honestly Kate it sounds like you're in pretty good shape. The conversation didn't go badly, and she even said that she's hoping to strengthen your relationship. If you're willing to work on it together, I see no reason you two can't come out of this stronger than before.

Quote from: katiej on October 08, 2014, 12:01:38 PM
Honestly Kate it sounds like you're in pretty good shape. The conversation didn't go badly, and she even said that she's hoping to strengthen your relationship. If you're willing to work on it together, I see no reason you two can't come out of this stronger than before.

I don't know about that. She was before I told her this, but I doubt she would now.

Hi Kate, the bit about acting "as if nothing ever happened" sure sounds familiar. It was the same for me and my husband. We finally managed to talk about "it" during couples counseling that he agreed to do. This was very helpful! He then finally told me that he was confused and didn't understand - so he ignored it. Definitely give your wife some time, but there may be a point when you have to bring it up again if she doesn't.

Hi ImagineKate,

I'm a little different in the fact that my wife and I confronted this 25 years ago when we first started living together, but I told her that I thought I could put it behind me.  So we had kids, and life continued, except for the fact it never really went away.  I just hid it from her for the most part.  Anyway last year I told her I was transgender and I couldn't change that fact.   The problem is she doesn't  want anything to do with a life with a transitioning person.   She's worried about how the rest of the world would view this, how our kids would view it and how the world would treat them.  Guilt is a nasty little weapon used properly :-(

So I'm in limbo, getting older, not getting happier.  Long story short, you should probably be prepared for lots of guilt thrown your way.  I hope that doesn't happen, but you should be prepared and if you figure out how to deal with it let me know.

Cheers,
Paige :)

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 08, 2014, 02:09:29 PM
I don't know about that. She was before I told her this, but I doubt she would now.

You can't say that for sure. Don't let negative self talk seal your fate for you. If you want to stay in the marriage, then stay positive and fight like hell for it. Make sure she knows how you fee.

And returning to normal is probably the denial stage of the grief process. At the very least, this is a surreal experience for her and it doesn't feel real yet.

So I'm planning to come out to a friend because I need the support to be honest. She's still in the old country though but we are on FB.

Remember I said that I hung out mostly with the girls and clubbing was basically girls night out? Well this one is one of them, and the one I was closest to. I had and have no romantic interest in her, as there is no physical attraction (she was a heavy chain smoker and basically let herself go). But a good friend to listen to and we did a lot of childish pranks together. I confided a lot of stuff in her. But I might wait for therapy first before I come out to anyone else. I'm going to wait to come out to my mom because her lifetime occupation is gossip and news travels fast with her...

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 08, 2014, 06:25:48 PM
So I'm planning to come out to a friend because I need the support to be honest. She's still in the old country though but we are on FB.

Remember I said that I hung out mostly with the girls and clubbing was basically girls night out? Well this one is one of them, and the one I was closest to. I had and have no romantic interest in her, as there is no physical attraction (she was a heavy chain smoker and basically let herself go). But a good friend to listen to and we did a lot of childish pranks together. I confided a lot of stuff in her. But I might wait for therapy first before I come out to anyone else. I'm going to wait to come out to my mom because her lifetime occupation is gossip and news travels fast with her...

This is a good thing.  After telling my wife, I told a female friend that I've known since I was 18, and it was a great move to be able to talk to someone about it early on.  She is quite gossipy herself, but I asked her to keep a lid on things for a few months while I sorted out my gameplan.

Oh the memories....  I came out to my wife first (she was/is).  The pains I felt telling her paled in comparison to what was said by her afterwards.  It devastated me to think that I had ruined not one, but four lives as I have 3 amazing girls...   

My coming out was unplanned and abrupt.  Unlike you, I actually tried to become a statistic... 4 times.  She actually caught me in the act and stopped me on my last attempt. Prompting an immediate conversation...  Well that was 5 years ago.....  Life gets better! My girls are amazing, my wife is still my world, and life has never been better.  It was a rocky few years, but it will work out if you both are willing to go through it as a team.   

Hugs!  :)

And tonight she looked at me and asked me if I'm OK. Not in a threatening tone, but almost as if she was feeling sorry for me. I said, "well, I'll be fine, but I need to take care of this."  She said that she understood.

I'm really hoping this is positive and that it continues.

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 08, 2014, 08:05:38 PM
And tonight she looked at me and asked me if I'm OK. Not in a threatening tone, but almost as if she was feeling sorry for me. I said, "well, I'll be fine, but I need to take care of this."  She said that she understood.

I'm really hoping this is positive and that it continues.

It seems extremely positive that she's showing empathy to you so soon after you told her.   I'm not sure if this is very common.

It's definitely a good sign.

Katie I pray things workout.

Yeah she's doing that too... as am I.

Anyway, the hard part is done, but during therapy we will see what else happens. She's my rock but my dysphoria is killing me and taking over my life. It's as if I was back in my pre-teen and teenager days where I was doing some very daring acts of cross dressing, wearing makeup and pretending at every opportunity to be a girl in the most obvious yet subtle way possible.

Here are two examples of me girling it up, because I did that in literally every photo I could as a kid:

(https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3936/15429414032_0c7f765f30_z.jpg)

(https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3935/15242955200_df0059f3e3_z_d.jpg)

From how I wore my hair, to how I walked, talked and even how I dressed (I used to pick out girl's shirts sometimes.) If only they knew back then... and by expressing my feminine side I was a pretty darned happy child.

Kate, I sympathize with you greatly. So far though it seems your wife is doing a little okay in managing this new revelation (to her) in your life. I may be being optimistic, but from your posts I can tell she really loves you, and wants to work things out. Give her some time to get over the initial shock, as others are recommending as well, and if the two of you love each other unconditionally, in the end you'll stay together. There are many MTF's just here in our community, that still have their marriage which has become stronger through the experience.

I'd like to add, that it will be so so beneficial to you, to have someone there with you during transition. I'm transitioning all alone with the exception of support from this website. I would give anything to have someone who cares, truly cares about me by my side through this journey. So just give it time. IMHO, in the long run it will be worth it and the two of you will be stronger and happier for it. ;)

Best Wishes! :icon_bunch:

Ally :icon_flower:

So far she's back to normal but zero mention of our little conversation. None whatsoever.

This has me spooked. It could be either:

She thinks I forgot, and doesn't want to bring it up so that I don't remember.
She's in denial.
She wants to give me space.
She wants to enjoy things before they change too much.
She figures seeing the therapist is just to talk me out of it... "pray the trans away?" (doesn't quite have that same ring to it but whatever)

I notice now that she's prettying up herself far more than she did before, with makeup and clothes, and making many more advances, romantically. This morning for example she wanted to get intimate but our son kept walking in and out. We'd have locked the door but eventually we just gave up. I wasn't in the mood anyway. Penetrative sex from a male POV has never really appealed to me but I do it because it's something we do together.

I'd say it's likely all of the above. 

And it's a good sign that she's putting herself out there even after knowing about you.  Do your best not to push her away, and it sounds like you may be able to keep her on board for the duration.  :)

Kate,
   Be easy on yourself, your wife, your need to transition and all that changes with this process. Even though you love your wife you may evolve like Julie Blair to become attracted to transgender men and women not cis.  There is a posting on this thread. Seems everything changes when one goes through transition to transgender. Susans is a place to read, explore, be informed, supported and support others in return.  all the best, SweetJean

A note from the other side.  Two months ago my fraternal (non identical twin)came out to me. In that awkward just blurt it out way. I did NOT handle it well. No put downs, big blow up or anything like that, but I had a lot of misconceptions about what transgender is. And I had a lot of questions that I felt really embarrassed to ask. Additionally because some of the things I had said communication between us has become much more difficult. When I do try to ask things that are challenging she just shuts down. I'm not trying to attack her I just feel like there is so much that I don't understand about how her life now and her previous life connect. I think she sees it as an attack and can't handle it. We've stopped talking so much to each other and it is really hard for me because we have been so close all our lives. Literally form the moment we were conceived ;)
I have been reading a ton of stuff online including most helpfully this website. I've read tons of the posts many, but not all of them in the significant others forum. Just yesterday I actually registered with this site and started posting so that I could ask some of the questions that I was too scared to ask my sister. The internet is a magical place and none of the people here know where I live so I don't have to worry about anyone egging my house. I was a little worried about asking something so ignorant or just plain wrong about trans people that it made everyone so angry the heat of their rage as they typed their replies would burn down the internet. What I actually got in return was *hugs* and some much needed advice.  So now I am offering the same thing back to you. *hugs*
Sorry if I am a little short on the advice. I will tell you that sometimes when my sister says something to me about her new life I just don't know what to say. Not ignoring it in the hopes that it will go away, but completely at a loss as to how to respond so nothing happens. It feels a little like we are in the kitchen having breakfast together and she slaps me in the face with a cold wet fish. Fish? were do I even go from here and how do we get back to the much more comfortable conversation we were having before? It has become less shocking as time passes. Also like I mentioned earlier reading posts by people going through similar stuff and having a place to ask the dumb questions I am afraid to ask her.

Don't worry about being short on advice. That's what I have a therapist for. I am happy for support and experiences though.

More talking tonight. She initiated. She is supportive but hung up on physical things like sex. That said she said she wants the best for me and our kids. Things hopefully will get better.

Oh and she thought I was cheating on her... I told her trust me this is all about me.

Therapy tomorrow. We see how it goes.

My partner is worried about the sex aspect too, just be attentive and find ways to make it good still!

Good luck with your therapy session.

Alice
xx

It's the same with my wife.  She's open to transition, but she has specifically mentioned not being attracted to women physically.  My understanding is that physical attraction does grow for some MTF SO's.  So I'm hopeful.


Pumpkin, it sounds like you're doing all of the right things.  Remember that this has been a secret she's held for a long time, so it probably feels very awkward to talk about it.  So just let her know that you support her, and you're wanting to stay close.  Also, since you're female and she's transitioning to female, you're in a position to be really helpful.

Well, we had another talk tonight. This one was rather different. She gave it to me with both barrels She said flat out she doesn't want to be with a woman. She also talked about leaving or kicking me out. She talked about taking away my kids. She also told so many lies  about us.

We are sleeping separately now, but tbh she slept separately a lot before this.

I guess me going to therapy really hit home.

I feel like a complete mess and I even talked about doing the unthinkable. I suffered so much mental abuse tonight. I need a drink of something strong.

She even told me she knows two trans people who are unhappy after hormone therapy . She asked constantly If I was taking estrogen.

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 14, 2014, 11:04:26 PM
Well, we had another talk tonight. This one was rather different. She gave it to me with both barrels She said flat out she doesn't want to be with a woman. She also talked about leaving or kicking me out. She talked about taking away my kids. She also told so many lies  about us.

We are sleeping separately now, but tbh she slept separately a lot before this.

I guess me going to therapy really hit home.

I feel like a complete mess and I even talked about doing the unthinkable. I suffered so much mental abuse tonight. I need a drink of something strong.

I am sorry to hear this.  But remember, emotions run high and deep in the situations.  There are girls on both sides of that proverbial fence.  Sometimes the venting is needed... Sadly

My wife and I have 2 huge fights every year (we always have) and it is always me who takes the verbal blows.  Best you can do is listen to her.   Sadly, what happens will happen but if you do your best to be the best person possible... Then you have done all you can.

Some girls can become unhappy, but that is why there is therapy.  Before, during, and after...

She can't legally keep your children from you. Being transgender does not discount you as part of their life.


Final note:  Suicide is never a very good answer. 4 time failure here to tell you there is soooo much more out there. Please do not become another statistic. Stand up, be proud, be there for your children in any form you can!  No child would prefer death to having a unique parent!

Hugs.
Ali

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 14, 2014, 11:07:43 PM
She even told me she knows two trans people who are unhappy after hormone therapy . She asked constantly If I was taking estrogen.

And my wife thought the same.... Until she seen how much better I was on my medication.  I'm psychologically happy... Making us happier as a whole.  I'm no longer a yelling, rude, ->-bleeped-<-.

Ali is exactly right.  Give her some time and some space.  You're probably in for some rough times, but don't throw in the towel.  If it ends, at least you'll know that you fought for it.

You are in an unenviable position, but please be smart and safe. it might not work, so please make sure you are doing things in case it doesn't. Making sure you have places to go, probably consulting an attorney on what you could do in the event that she tries to fight about the kids. That doesn't mean you should throw in the towel on things marriages don't usually end overnight.

It might not seem like it right now, but things will get better, they might get worse before that, but things do get better.

I'm not going to abandon my kids. This means no suicide either. But this is the lowest of the low I'm feeling. Thanks for the support

Sorry, Kate, that things aren't going so well at the moment. I'm in a similar place right now.

Please stay safe.

:hugs:

Your kids will always love you, remember that, give your wife time, she might come around, if not then the more friendly and cordial you can keep it the easier things will be in the future for access to your kids and for life in general.

I have been in your place and it sucked, it REALLY sucked, but it didn't last long in the grans scheme of things and now I am happier than I ever was with her.

Be strong

Alice
xx

Yep. I think part of what burns her is that she thinks the kids love me more than they love her! They run to me, often past her. Been this way ever since. She said as much. I'm not leaving them and if she wants to fight me too bad. She will get the fight of her life. The only thing that sucks is that NJ courts tend to be more sympathetic to mothers so it's very possible that I could lose primary custody if I have to leave.

How old are your kids? If you make a good case for custody and the kids are old enough to speak for themselves the court will give weight to their wishes.

My kids are the same, I am their first port of call if something bad happens.

Alice
xx

4

Too young for a judge to listen to :(

You will likely have to present good reasons why your wife is an unsuitable parent. Good reasons, or they will pull them apart.

After this morning I don't know what the hell to think anymore. She's back to normal, wanting to apologize. I told her I accept but I don't want to talk when driving because I need to concentrate on the road. She said she was sorry for going at me last night but I don't know if I want to hear it. To be honest it may be better if I just get out. She almost seems bipolar.

And last night I realized just how hung up on sex she is. If she just wants me around for sex I obviously can't deliver. There used to be a lot of talking and togetherness but that kind of died off about a year after we married. She also changes history a lot and lies how I pushed her to marry me (when I was actually pushing her away).

She also badgered me asking if I take hormones, saying I look different and I don't and I told her I did a few years ago but not anymore. Besides where am I going to get them from? The last set I had was from her* and when that ran out that was it. (Yes I know, bad.) I told her that the only way I'm getting them is via a doctor, and I haven't gone to see any, just the therapist. She said I could just ask my doctor to prescribe them. Really? She doesn't really know how this works. She goes with me to the damn pharmacy and all my medicines are out for her to see. We fill our scripts at the same time In fact. Besides I'm sure my doc won't just prescribe me hormones because I ask... (And I'm not buying from dodgy sources such as overseas pharma) She even thinks I will be a bad influence on the kids if I dress around them. She doesn't know how it works!!! It doesn't work that way!!! It's not the flu, and not contagious!!! Besides If my son/daughters are born with it do I want to make the same mistake my parents made with me???

*left over from a script she had from a fertility doc

Quote from: Ali girl on October 14, 2014, 11:18:20 PM
And my wife thought the same.... Until she seen how much better I was on my medication.  I'm psychologically happy... Making us happier as a whole.  I'm no longer a yelling, rude, ->-bleeped-<-.

She says," they are unhappy because they can't get a man."

Seriously is that all there is to life? I swear she's the man in this relationship because all she talks about now is wanting sex.

After this one I think I'm done with dating for a while. Maybe when I get old and the kids put me in a home I will want a bingo partner. But for now if it ends I just want to concentrate on being me, and maybe travel a bit. Bring my kids along too if possible.

Hi Kate,

It's interesting my wife didn't want anything to do with a transition.  Your wife seems to have moments of acceptance and it's only been a week since she first found out.  I'm wondering if she just need some more time to adjust to the situation and some sort of therapy.  Maybe you just need to keep telling her this is a long journey with many possible paths and nothing is going to happen immediately.

Take care Kate,  :)
Paige

Paige is exactly right.  It took you years to come to acceptance. Give her at least a few months.  :)

And regarding the back and forth...I think it's completely normal given the gigantic revelations of the past week.  Anger, denial, acceptance, etc, etc.  And besides, do you feel exactly the same way about everything all the time?  Of course not.  And her willingness to apologize is the same as admitting that she behaved badly.  That's a step in the right direction for sure.

I'd say that sex may not necessarily be a preoccupation, but a roadblock.  And it's a good sign if that's the biggest one.  For my wife, she's fine with the idea of being seen socially as a lesbian, and she's even mostly fine with me transitioning.  At this point it's the idea of being with a woman sexually that's throwing her off.  It's really one of her only objections.  I'm really hoping she can get over it or at least adjust to the changes.

Perhaps most importantly, do your best to give her a reason to stick with you through this.  Be a good wife.  Worst case scenario she still wants to leave and at least you'll have done as much as possible to make it an amicable split over irreconcilable differences.  But your efforts could also make her want to stick with you through this.

Totally agree!   It can be a tough road some days, but in the end it is what you do on that road more than how long it is.   My wife is caught up on "what will others think" and not what she thinks half the time...

But I do make a great hubby/wife...  I cook, clean, do laundry, mostly care for the kids, and repairs...

She works and watches football.  I love my role and she loves hers.  It's just the perceptions she is having a time with.

Be patient!

We ended up talking again tonight. I actually talked to my trans friend earlier who I am out to (let's call her Carly, not her real name). Carly said that her wife decided to stick with her but it took a while. So I'm trying to go that route. My wife (I will call her Anna) and I talked about what if we split. Oh and I made sure I wore a dress as I did so because I want her to see I'm serious about this. My therapist said my next step should be slowly moving into the authentic me at home, which I'm doing. I probably went ahead of myself but whatever, I reached my breaking point. I will also not take spousal abuse. I might be a woman but that doesn't mean I should be treated like how some people treat their wives.

Anyway Anna assured me that if we split she's not going to stand between me and my kids. I'm glad she said this. This is by far my main concern.

She also said that she is "trapped" here and is unlikely to move out. I'm not happy she feels this way but I can understand.

She was crying and asking how she's going to cope, I told her that we could go to couples therapy as part of the process.

So things might be moving but I'm not sure where exactly.

Oh and she said she found a bottle of hormones in my bag which is why she was asking if I was taking them. Turns out it was the old bottle of  estradioI was self medding with couple of years ago. I showed her her name and expiration date on the bottle.

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 15, 2014, 11:18:50 PM
Anyway Anna assured me that if we split she's not going to stand between me and my kids. I'm glad she said this. This is by far my main concern.

She also said that she is "trapped" here and is unlikely to move out. I'm not happy she feels this way but I can understand.

She was crying and asking how she's going to cope, I told her that we could go to couples therapy as part of the process.

So things might be moving but I'm not sure where exactly.

This sounds so similar to some conversations I had with my ex before I moved out, you could reassure her that even if you decide to split that doesn't necessariyl mean instant eviction. My ex and I shared our family home for almost 2 years after we knew it wasn't going to work out. We ended up like housemates in a share!  I think it actually helped in the long run that we had done that because we found a way to coexist as friends after we decided to split.

Alice
xx

Maybe, maybe not. She and I have been down a similar road before. Not the trans stuff but "cheating." I use quotes because I really wasn't attracted to the girl, I just wanted to get out of the marriage. She did get nasty toward me and her, calling her ugly etc and saying how white women want to steal all the good men (wtf?) I moved out and back to NJ. She began stalking me online too. However after a couple months apart we got back together. We bought a house and had kids. We were "happy" for a while (well I wasn't and turns out she wasn't either).

But with me transitioning I dunno, this seems to have her spooked out to a completely new level.

Quote from: katiej on October 15, 2014, 02:15:40 PM
Paige is exactly right.  It took you years to come to acceptance. Give her at least a few months.  :)

And regarding the back and forth...I think it's completely normal given the gigantic revelations of the past week.  Anger, denial, acceptance, etc, etc.  And besides, do you feel exactly the same way about everything all the time?  Of course not.  And her willingness to apologize is the same as admitting that she behaved badly.  That's a step in the right direction for sure.

I'd say that sex may not necessarily be a preoccupation, but a roadblock.  And it's a good sign if that's the biggest one.  For my wife, she's fine with the idea of being seen socially as a lesbian, and she's even mostly fine with me transitioning.  At this point it's the idea of being with a woman sexually that's throwing her off.  It's really one of her only objections.  I'm really hoping she can get over it or at least adjust to the changes.

Perhaps most importantly, do your best to give her a reason to stick with you through this.  Be a good wife.  Worst case scenario she still wants to leave and at least you'll have done as much as possible to make it an amicable split over irreconcilable differences.  But your efforts could also make her want to stick with you through this.

@ImagineKate: Here^^___^^ Katiej raises some very valid points you should consider carefully. I speak from experience when I say that transitioning alone is much more difficult than transitioning with an SO, or a good friend by your side. Your wife needs time to take in the reality of the situation. She's showing classic symptoms of denial which she'll eventually get over. And upon her acceptance of you as a woman, is when you will finally be able to ascertain where you stand in your marriage.

Please don't let words discourage you. For she is liable to say some nasty things she doesn't mean, and/or make empty threats involving your kids for they unfortunately are her only leverage. In this situation time is your friend. The best part in all of this is, if after 2-3 years you manage to stay married your love for each other will be stronger than it ever was in the past. And take it from someone who knows that is very hard to find. I celebrate my 50th birthday this month, but I celebrate it all alone. Believe me it's worth sticking it out as long as possible. For even if the both of you decide to split you'll remain lifetime friends, and you both will be much happier for it.

Best Wishes to you both!

@Ali, Is Ali short for something? Just curious. My knickname "Ally," is pronounced the same and is short for Allyda.

Ally :icon_flower:

@Ally Yes, short for Alissa. 

She says that she will never stand between me and my kids. I hope she keeps her word. She most likely won't, although it would make her uncomfortable that I am dressing in front of them... actually she's too late because I have been for a long time. I'm just not really being flamboyant such as wearing ultra femme pink dresses in front of them yet. My therapist asked what I would like to be. I said just an ordinary woman, nothing special, not ultra femme, and I don't want to scream "tra**y" if you know what I mean.

Anyway right now it seems as though we are headed down the path of in place separation, so we can raise the kids. I feel she is slowly but surely coming around to accepting me even if not as her husband.

So like wow tonight we talked and I think she is coming around. I explained a lot of why I am trans. Showed her my right hand and digit ratio (I know it's probably junk science but there may also be some truth to it, jury is out). I also talked about our history with the fertility clinic and my problems. So She started up a conversation after I stopped at Walmart to get among other things some motor oil, a nightie and some shirts on clearance. I think after I explained the whole bit she came around, saying she wants to support me but doesn't know how. I explained that she should come to one of my therapy sessions. We talked a lot, shared some of my old photos (where I looked like a girl) and talked about a lot of stuff. Way better than silence and crying over the past week. Hopefully she doesn't go bipolar on me and turn back into insulting me before I go to bed.

On a side note I had a really nice surprise. One of my really close friends here is a typical alpha male type. He's like a brother because he is a former U.S. Marshal. Today someone posted on FB a nasty opinion piece about transgender people, basically blasting Fallon fox in the worst way. To my surprise most people in the FB group blasted the person for posting such a hateful article. I asked why some people can't stand to see others be happy with themselves. To my surprise my friend replied, "yeah I'm a live and let live kinda guy, you have your freedom as long as you don't infringe on mine we are cool." I wasn't expecting that! I was expecting something totally transphobic in the worst possible way...

Oh and I think some of my coworkers are getting a hint too. We had a group activity today and we took pictures of ourselves and a couple people said I looked like a girl... I had been growing my hair and nails out.

Keep the faith. Keep believing that your wife will adjust.  It isn't surprising that her emotions are all over the place.  It has only been a short time for her  to deal with this.  All you can do is be true to yourself, respecting her and yourself.

I was very surprised that my wife has adjusted over time.  If you like each other and you want to be there for your kids then you have a fighting chance.

Safe travels

Aisla

I'm sorry for the frequent updates but I'm so happy for the support from you all.

Acceptance is happening, slowly but surely.

I'm here playing with the kids in their play room. More importantly I'm not hiding. My wife is almost normal. She might give me a weird look now  and again but for the most part seems like she's trying.

I am over the moon.

I can be me to some degree, I can be with my kids and I am being accepted to some degree.

The kids? They're normal. My daughter (let's call her Carrie) who called me beautiful the other day is smiling from ear to ear. The two others just see me as they usually do.

Great to hear! You go girl!  Keep the faith and revel in the moment.  The good times are the ones we always remember. ;)

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 17, 2014, 09:25:31 PM...On a side note I had a really nice surprise. One of my really close friends here is a typical alpha male type. He's like a brother because he is a former U.S. Marshal. Today someone posted on FB a nasty opinion piece about transgender people, basically blasting Fallon fox in the worst way. To my surprise most people in the FB group blasted the person for posting such a hateful article. I asked why some people can't stand to see others be happy with themselves. To my surprise my friend replied, "yeah I'm a live and let live kinda guy, you have your freedom as long as you don't infringe on mine we are cool." I wasn't expecting that! I was expecting something totally transphobic in the worst possible way... ...

This was my experience with people as well.  I never would have expected acceptance from a lot of the people that I eventually did come out to and around, and most all of them not only accepted but defended.  It just goes to show that no one can truly be judged by their outside appearance... no one.  It gives one faith in humanity.  At least for a while...

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 18, 2014, 10:38:19 AM... The kids? They're normal. My daughter (let's call her Carrie) who called me beautiful the other day is smiling from ear to ear. The two others just see me as they usually do.

Kids don't hate anyone unless they're taught to.  I don't understand why so many people don't get that, and worry about our "influence".  Kids accept EVERYONE.  This is why you have to tell them not to talk to strangers!  And why creepy adults dressed up as cartoon characters in giant foam suits don't bother them one bit.

I feel so happy not hiding!!! Not at the point where I will wear a dress at home (because I don't want the kids talking at school yet) but I'm wearing almost exclusively women's jeans, tops, cap sleeve t-shirts and the like. When we go out I just throw a fleece on and I'm good. Still wearing the jeans but I usually wear skinny jeans anyway which aren't much different. We have a few issues we are dealing with but to be honest they aren't really new to my recent revelation but it could be a symptom of my underlying gender issues.

Well my wife has mostly settled into acceptance now. She hasn't blasted me in a few days and she has said she wants to support me. She's even trying new ways to be intimate which is nice. We are going to see the therapist on Tuesday to talk as well. But she is well aware that full transition is in my future and by extension our future. She's not happy but she's trying to accept. When I told her that I was going to talk to HR at work it really hit her hard but she said in the end she'll support me.

The only problem is that she's kinda pushing me to come out to my parents and my brothers which I don't want to do yet. 

Good luck, once the information is disclosed, it might be hard to keep a lid on. My wife (we are separated now) told several of my friends who I wanted to find a way to tell separately since they were the most likely to take issue with it. She just waited till I wasn't around and told them anyway, despite not being friends with them herself....

All of this has lead me to the conclusion that it is probably better to set your own narrative and define yourself early rather than wait and allow others to do so. People will gossip so setting the narrative can be really helpful in making sure your circle of friends and family stays on board 100%.

Quote from: Hikari on October 26, 2014, 02:38:02 AM
Good luck, once the information is disclosed, it might be hard to keep a lid on. My wife (we are separated now) told several of my friends who I wanted to find a way to tell separately since they were the most likely to take issue with it. She just waited till I wasn't around and told them anyway, despite not being friends with them herself....

All of this has lead me to the conclusion that it is probably better to set your own narrative and define yourself early rather than wait and allow others to do so. People will gossip so setting the narrative can be really helpful in making sure your circle of friends and family stays on board 100%.

Makes sense.

My wife doesn't seem that vindictive, and it would totally destroy our relationship if she did that. I would just walk out at that point. I am not ruling out something like that happening though because sometimes people get desperate. Sorry to hear yours did that.

To be clear - I do plan to come out to my parents but only once things have settled down at home. It would be nice to get their blessing but I'm prepared for the worst.

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 27, 2014, 10:03:48 AM
Makes sense.

My wife doesn't seem that vindictive, and it would totally destroy our relationship if she did that. I would just walk out at that point. I am not ruling out something like that happening though because sometimes people get desperate. Sorry to hear yours did that.

To be clear - I do plan to come out to my parents but only once things have settled down at home. It would be nice to get their blessing but I'm prepared for the worst.

Part of the problem is she didn't do it because of being vindictive, she was trying to be supportive lol, thinking that it was too awkward for me to tell my friends (despite clearly explaining to her, why these particular friends weren't in the loop yet), so she figured she would just disclose for me, and I would be happy for that. In her head, I would be showering her with praise for disclosing to people, because she thought it was something I was having real trouble doing and I was just making excuses for why I was waiting (I wasn't, and I certainly wasn't happy about the disclosure).

My point is, people do things for reasons both good and bad, but it isn't really under your control.

Sooo a bit of a major update here. I figured I'd start a new thread, but then realized this is just a continuation of the issues, so I'll just put it here.

Yesterday I came out to my wife's older daughter (from another marriage). She's not really my step daughter as she's only about 6-7 years my junior and she still has a very good relationship with her dad. That said, she and my wife are very close and my wife wanted me to personally tell her about me being a transgender woman and transitioning. We also have a good relationship. So we had lunch.

First of all I told her that I needed to tell her something about me. Then I showed her my avatar picture on my phone and said, "Remember when you last saw me and told me I needed a haircut? This is what I need to tell you. This is me. I am transgender. I've dealt with this all my life and now I'm in transition." I showed her a bottle of estradiol (I carry a small amount with me because I take a divided dose and don't want to forget) and said, "I am taking hormones, you can see the prescription bottle with my name on it, so you know I'm telling the truth."

But the biggest surprise was that she said, "and, what's the problem?" as if it was no big deal.

We had a discussion about it and she said she gets it because she knows my gender identity is an immutable part of me, and I am who I am and that can't change. I cried and cried, I couldn't believe it. I got so emotional. It's almost as if she was expecting it. A few days ago her mom (my wife) had told her she was having trouble at home. She asked a number of questions, then out of the blue she asked her mom, "So does R want to become a woman or something?" My wife didn't answer her, dodged the question. So I guess she got a hint of what was going on.

So it went really well and she said that she'd support me, especially with regard to her mom.

We talked a few other things and she told me a couple places I could go get my eyebrows and nails done too.

Oh, and maybe she's a bit understanding because she also works at a gay bar some nights. She did say she has met some transsexuals there, along with crossdressers, drag queens and similar and the rest of the LGBT spectrum. She says she knows we're not one and the same but she also said that it's a different world today and people should be more tolerant of others who have different sexual orientation or gender identity.

So I'm happy somewhat, and relieved. Hopefully things in life can start to look up a bit more.

Quote from: ImagineKate on January 06, 2015, 09:52:50 PM
But the biggest surprise was that she said, "and, what's the problem?" as if it was no big deal.

Hi Kate,

Your wife's oldest daughter is just an amazing person.  So I was just reading the Christmas thread, (I've been away), and feeling very down because I couldn't believe people could be so nasty, but then I read your post.  That lady is special.  You're very luck to have her on your side.

Take care,
Paige :)

She's not the eldest, but she's one of the two older ones my wife had as a teenager. When we all used to live together we were very close. I wasn't really like her dad, more like a friend. She's very understanding of a lot of things.

But yes, it's nice to have positive support from someone I consider to be family.

HR has basically said the same thing, "so what's the problem?"

I'm glad that at least some people are treating this as not a big deal.

She sounds like an amazing person. I'm so happy for you. I lived in NYC for a few years(Mid Manhattan) and loved it. Peep's there are so tolerant. I could be me with no problem or questions asked. :)

I live in rural Fl. now and its a good thing I pass so well(I'm Female Hermaphrodite-Intersexed). It could be dangerous for me here if I didn't. Here tho I'm just one of the girls on the block.

Ally ;)

Kate, I'm glad to hear that you do have some supportive family.  How are things going with your wife and kids?

My wife is not really opposing me now. She's really just indifferent. However intimacy is basically gone. A kiss on the cheek or forehead is all I get. I mourn the loss of that but at the same time I want to give her some room to process.

The kids? I've explained the whole "daddy is transgender" thing, and I actually used the word "transgender" in front of them. They love me a lot. They'll never let me go. They love bath time (I bathe them at night, basically take the shower head off and pretend it's a car wash). They always point to my feminine shirts, point to my dresses and question but I tell them and they don't seem to mind. They're questioning less and less now. One of my daughters points to my pink and purple tops. She asked, "daddy, I love purple. Why do you wear purple?" I say, "because it's pretty honey. I love being pretty." 

BUT!!! I do have some other GREAT news!

Mom replied. She said she loves me no matter what, and to talk to her later.

My dad is still AWOL, but I suspect he's dealing with his other stuff (Government acquiring his house and land). So he's busy.

I also started coming out to my closest friends. One of them was pretty honored I told her but she is pretty supportive of LGBT rights anyway. Her husband (also my friend) has said a few transphobic/homophobic things in the past but I found out one of his other best friends is MTF so he's not really intolerant. Another friend actually said that he bets I'm relieved that I can finally be myself. He said he kind of had an inkling though.

So today is a good day I hope. I see my therapist today and I actually have good news to report to her. Yay!

Gradually I'm coming out to all the people that matter in my life. And you know what? It feels great to do so. It feels so great to be myself... I push the dress code even more at work now. Yes, people notice but I don't care. People have been commenting (to my face) about the hair, and how I look different. I have a couple of negative people but they can't come to my face and say things negatively. They just give me "the look" and they stare. If they continue staring all day I'm going to have HR deal with them. It probably means being outed but at this point I don't care.

That's good news, Kate!  Our situations are roughly similar, I'm just a few months behind you in the process.  My wife is begrudgingly coming to acceptance.  And intimacy is already a tough thing when you have younger children.

If I remember it right, your kids are about the same age as mine...mine are 12, 10, 7, and 3.  When you came out to the kids, how did you approach it with the older ones? 

Quote from: katiej on January 09, 2015, 09:23:18 PM
That's good news, Kate!  Our situations are roughly similar, I'm just a few months behind you in the process.  My wife is begrudgingly coming to acceptance.  And intimacy is already a tough thing when you have younger children.

If I remember it right, your kids are about the same age as mine...mine are 12, 10, 7, and 3.  When you came out to the kids, how did you approach it with the older ones?

My kids and yours definitely aren't the same age. They are all 4 years old (triplets).

My wife has two older kids outside the marriage who are almost 30. One of them doesn't talk to us much because she's a long haul trucker. The other we talk to on a regular basis.

I also never meant to imply that my wife is "fine." We still argue and fight, just a lot less now, and she isn't road blocking my transition. She tried to tell me about cost but I shot that down, when I explain how I budgeted for transition and how most stuff really doesn't cost anything. Hormones especially cost next to nothing, a dr visit is $15 and the Estradiol is $10/month. The rest of stuff (spiro and my other meds) is covered completely by insurance and thus $0 out of pocket. Besides, my endo visits are my primary care visits, so it's not like the $15 copay is just for HRT.

Therapy is at a reduced rate (sliding scale). Electrolysis is cheap because my electrologist works at a discounted rate. Clothes are cheap because I buy clearance and from the thrift stores. I'm on a shoe string budget basically.

I had a nice long skype session with my mom. It was with video and I was dressed up en femme.

She urged caution but said she accepts and loves me for who I am and if this is what makes me happy, I should do it.

I reassured her that I am proceeding with caution which is why I have a therapist and why I am being doctor monitored.

I also asked her what she'd chose for me as a name if I was born a girl. She said she'd think about it, but they probably would go with Ria or Rhea. I kind of like it. I may end up with it as a middle name. I'll await her final answer. Even though I have another name kind of picked out (not kate), it would be nice if she named me.

I can't begin to relate the joy that I have that my mom is accepting. I am in tears. I have been happy all day (except one fight with my wife). I am going to bed happy. Happy happy happy happy happy am I. Did I say happy? Yes I did. I feel like my stolen childhood is being relived, and in the proper gender too. Life is grand.

I told my therapist this and I cried in her office (I do that often). She was happy for me.

Quote from: ImagineKate on January 09, 2015, 11:12:43 PM

She urged caution but said she accepts and loves me for who I am and if this is what makes me happy, I should do it.

Wow Kate that's great news.  Your mom is pretty special. 

Paige :)

Quote from: ImagineKate on January 09, 2015, 11:04:45 PM
My kids and yours definitely aren't the same age. They are all 4 years old (triplets)

Woops!  I must have been thinking of someone else.  And triplets.  Yikes!!  :)

Well I'm glad to hear things went well with your mom.

I've just read through this entire thread.  It caught me at the beginning because your situation is pretty close to mine (probably not uncommon but it's still new to me) and your wife seemed a bit less open than mine.  I figured I'd just see how your experience went and mine will probably go slightly less badly.

By the time I got to the end I was cheering for you.  What an amazing outcome!  Obviously, it could be better but I expected a real horror story.  This is very encouraging and I hope mine goes even better when I get to that point. 

You are awesome.

Thank you Abysha!

The biggest thing for me is that I've faced a lot of adversity in my life and I came out OK. I still have a lot of rough patches in my life but I can smooth them out one by one.

I am very determined, and like my biggest trans role model (Lynn Conway) I am a "gritty survivor" and nobody can knock me down.

I am also quickly learning not to pre-judge people. I expected many people to look at me with scorn but I've had nothing but acceptance. My wife is not "there" yet but I feel she and I will at least be friends in the long term.

I feel that time is what she needs the most.


Most of all though, I feel happy being out to people I am out to. It is a HUGE weight off my shoulder. Being myself is extremely empowering and uplifting.

I hope your situation works out well for you. Therapy has helped as well as the support I have gotten here.

My brother knows now. I have two brothers, but one lives with mom and she told him right away. She told the other one too (despite me telling her to keep it down for now as I would like to control the flow of information).

But... I was prepared for this anyway. I am prepared for my whole family to know now. Which is actually fine. It might push me to come out even more which I am looking forward to.

He's fully accepting though. He says I'm family and he loves me no matter what.

Kids are talking a lot about my transition though. "Daddy wants to be a girl," says one of my daughters. "No, Daddy IS a girl. He... she wears dresses. She's a GIRL and goes to the GIRLS bathroom," says another. I actually went to the men's this morning (with the kids) at a gas station because I didn't shave and I just tossed on a busted up pair of jeans and an old tshirt. I had to drop off my wife to the bus stop and didn't have time to pretty up. Plus we had the septic repair guys coming today and I had to do some stuff outside (they canceled due to weather) plus clear snow from the driveway. However I got some looks going into the mens... I should have just gone into the ladies, but when I'm not passing or even presenting female I am anxious. I know NJ has strong anti-discrimination laws, but still I feel I need to avoid trouble.

The kids are fully accepting but their mom is worried about my son who said he wants to be a girl like daddy.I said, "That's not my fault... he is what he is. But also he's a kid and kids say things. Just let him be." I don't think he is really trans, he just says stuff, but if he is, I'll support him/her. This is my therapist's advice. Don't push him but just let him be. I don't want him to end up like me regretting anything in life.

"I can't begin to relate the joy that I have that my mom is accepting..I am going to bed happy. Happy happy happy happy happy am I. Did I say happy? Yes I did. I feel like my stolen childhood is being relived, and in the proper gender too. Life is grand"

YES!!

"The kids are fully accepting but their mom is worried about my son who said he wants to be a girl like daddy... I don't think he is really trans, he just says stuff, but if he is, I'll support him/her."


i think thats rather wonderful actually. maybe he is trans and maybe not, but the fact that he looks up to, admires respects and loves you so much to want to emulate you shows what an amazing parent you are, and the change you are making in society around you. and he (or she) will grow up knowing any problem can be confided in you in a way we didnt really feel we could when we were kids. and he'll be accepting and kind to his friends who realise they are gay, or trans, or whatever. youre a role model to him, and to me.

Came out to another friend today. This is significant as she still lives in Trinidad. So far I haven't told anyone there until now. That society is somewhat transphobic but is coming around very slowly.

She was shocked and asked about my wife and kids but after a while said she was supportive. She also said that in my case it doesn't seem like a joke and she has friends who experiment with it but I seem to be pretty genuine. She also said I looked good, lol.

Weirdly enough she seemed fixated on my appendage... Why would I want to get rid of it (she had a crush on me back when we were teenagers). I told her it's not so much that I hate the little guy but it's that I couldn't get up every morning and look at myself in the mirror. I was basically horrified at what I saw. Every single day.

It has been a while since I have been on.  So happy to see things turning out for the better!  This journey we take is scary, but with support and acceptance it makes it much brighter.  Good luck in your continued success and I will continue to root for you from afar.  ;) 

Quote from: alexbb on January 19, 2015, 06:34:47 AM
"I can't begin to relate the joy that I have that my mom is accepting..I am going to bed happy. Happy happy happy happy happy am I. Did I say happy? Yes I did. I feel like my stolen childhood is being relived, and in the proper gender too. Life is grand"

YES!!

"The kids are fully accepting but their mom is worried about my son who said he wants to be a girl like daddy... I don't think he is really trans, he just says stuff, but if he is, I'll support him/her."


i think thats rather wonderful actually. maybe he is trans and maybe not, but the fact that he looks up to, admires respects and loves you so much to want to emulate you shows what an amazing parent you are, and the change you are making in society around you. and he (or she) will grow up knowing any problem can be confided in you in a way we didnt really feel we could when we were kids. and he'll be accepting and kind to his friends who realise they are gay, or trans, or whatever. youre a role model to him, and to me.

Oh they all look up to me. They can't let go of me either. They love me a lot and thinking about this I've been close to them since they were born, spending day after day in the NICU and sleeping in their room at night. I wouldn't call myself amazing, just caring loving and understanding.