Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello,

I'm sure this has been covered by many posts and I'm sorry if I'm being redundant but I just wanted to share my own story in hopes that some people here have some good advice.

Without going too far into my life story, I am 35 and born male. Earlier this year I had an event in my life where I very suddenly realized I am trans and after several months of therapy I came to realize the depths and extent of my repression since I was a young child. I began to really WANT to transition and be recognized as female but I have been in a very, very good relationship for 16 years (married for 11, no children) and my being trans has completely destroyed my relationship with her and it is tearing me up inside.

I do not have significant body dysphoria and I am not dealing with severe depression. That said, I haven't known I'm trans for very long and the common wisdom from everyone is that "it will get worse." That said, the thought of losing my partner is far, far more painful to me than continuing to live as a male but I'm too scared at the thought of waiting and only finding myself in this position again several years later (which would be FAR worse than just ending things with her now).

Has anyone made the decision not to transition and successfully lived a healthy life? Am I kidding myself that this is something that can be done? I've read a lot about how people who don't transition "manage their dysphoria" by dressing up or "presenting" as a woman from time to time without HRT/transition but this just seems like delaying the inevitable to me.

Any advice is welcome.

I am sorry to say this but only you can determine if you can survive not transitioning. Dysphoria does tend to get worse the more it is suppressed.
Everyone is different and in the end only you can determine what is right for you.

But I would suggest working with a gender therapist, they are much better qualified to help you with your choices. They are more likely able to help ease you through the tough times if you do become more dysphoric.

I flip flopped about transitioning. I've been lucky so far in regards to the people who know, but I have complications in my personal life that had led me to questioning whether or not I should transition. Then I had a health concern that I thought would keep me from transitioning, and I was quite violently broken hearted. I realized that I couldn't stay in this female body, and keep living a lie. I am living part time, and am happier than I've been in a long time. For me, not transitioning isn't an option. I know some people probably manage okay, but given the experiences I've heard and read about, I wouldn't say that they live completely fulfilled lives.

As White Rabbit says, only you can decide that. what I can tell you from my experience is that it does get worse. Years ago I wished I could transition and spent my first marriage trying assuage the feelings with cross-dressing and alcohol. I realized that was killing me so I went straight, started attending church, found a good wife I loved and had a child. About 8 years ago the feelings started cropping up again with intensity, because of my wife and child I've been trying not to transition. A couple years ago the dysphoria became so intense that it affected work performance leading to a decision to mutually leave their employ. The last few months on the job there I started seeing a therapist which helped immensely, got a recommendation for HRT which I'm still sitting on, not wanting to blow up the marriage. (My wife and child are very fundamentalist Christians and my wife thinks this is some obssevive compulsive disorder that can be prayed away, and I don't think my son would understand.) That said, I now find myself sometimes so depressed all I can do when I get home from work is lay on the sofa and shiver.

I found an interesting read a while back by Anne Vitale called "Notes on Gender Transition" which describes various stages people go through as they age. Her later years stage fit me to a T, depressed, thoughts of wishing to be dead,(that ain't gonna happen because that would preclude any hope of transition), but wishing none the less. She describes the very senior years as being angry, depressed about what could have been, irritable and generally miserable. Will it get worse for you? Who knows?

The best advice any of us can give is to talk it over with a qualified gender therapist. Who knows? Today there are many more stories of wives who are supportive of their husband's transition when they understand what being trans-gender is all about. Then again, you may not be transsexual, but perhaps non-binary and do net need complete transition, but only some deep searching with the help of a therapist will help you sort it out. If you are transsexual and try not to transition, I wish you the best. It may entail a lot of suffering and pain. I only do it because of my teenage son. My hope is to stay healthy enough to transition when he is a little older.

Wishing you the best on your journey of discovery,

Hugs,

Traci

I can tell you was is "working" for me. First off, no "take backs". In a fit of dispondency I told my wife " maybe I' not after all." She rightly told me some things can't be unsaid.

I decided to start with as low a dose as I could manage and to use my coping techniques, shaving legs, etc., as little as possible. I've been on HRT for over five weeks now and found quickly that my dysphoria isn't severe now. Do I want to transition? Of course, but I can wait. Every day with my spouse is precious. If I'm really lucky she'll adjust.

So far, for me, it is, but perhaps only because I did not hate who I was as a boy, especially a teenage boy...so I partially identify as such...and my teenage boy self will always be part of my identity...I didn't ever want to be a man though...

Your situation may be different...but I feel like I am a girl most of the time, and yet I want to make the most of what life has to offer me. Transitioning is awfully expensive, not just money, there's a lot of other costs, career, social, family, and for what? The ability to look in the mirror and see the person I already can imagine I am? Maybe strangers will treat me as a woman, or they might hate me...no thanks...that happens already, with me acting like I'm a woman in my current body...

birdgurhl

As others have said, only you can determine whether you can manage life without transitioning.  I think that most of us find that dysphoria increases with age.  It is also true that pretending to be someone you are not can put stress on you and on your partner.  In some cases you can have both - retaining a loving and supportive relationship while transitioning.  However only you can work this out and this requires you to start your journey.  You may find that your dysphoria is relatively mild and can be managed without hrt, you may find that low dose hrt is sufficient and you may find that you need to transition partially or fully, live part time or full time to authentically express a binary or a non binary identity. There are many possibilities and only you can find out which will work best for you.  If your relationship is strong then you may find that you can transition, be authentic and maintain your primary relationship.

Whatever you choose, remember that you only have one life and it is precious.  I wish you well.


Safe travels

Aisla

Birdgurhl,

If you can live and thrive without transitioning do so.  Yes, dysphoria seems to get worse over time but the  costs to building something entirely new on the wreckage of your current life are huge.  Please be careful, please be sure.  Spend some time over at the non-binary forum.  Some of the people there have found a path which has balance.  I admire and envy them, it is not my story.

If you can include your spouse in this journey, be honest, open, and patient.  She has a stake in your decisions too.  Above all, please seek guidance and do not rush, you are contemplating an existential change in your life and your identity.

Ask yourself what costs, what joys, what loss you are willing to accept.  Living as who you authenticity are is a privilege and a responsibility.  I hope you can embrace both.

Peace,
Julie

there are people on these forums who manage without transitioning, some because of family.
of you don't have body dysphoria, you may find that the strong want to transition lessens as you accept yourslef for who you truly are. you might find yourself able to life a good life without taking the step to fully transition.

in order to live without transitioning, i think it may be necessary that your spouse knows who you are, accepts it as a part of you that can't be changed, and also knows that when you choose not to undergo any surgery or social transition, it is mainly because you love and value her and her needs just the same as you hope she will love you as you are.

not being able to be true and open to your spouse is likely to be very taxing, possibly mentally destructive for you. trying to take back what you said about being trans isn't likely to help at all, but telling her that she is more important than physically transformung into a woman or presenting female in public, might help. you might find it worthwhile. but you won't know if it works until you've actually tried.

many have found that it is easier to cope with low of full dose hrt. this will causr breast growth and other smaller changes, and for aome it has beeb what pushed them into full transition rather than help them cope without any further changes. you will have to talk to your spouse about this if you feel like it is necessary to try.

one of the main reasons for doing hrt, are the mental effects. it can lessen depression and anxiety and give a feeling of "rightness" and peace of mind. but you might not feel a very strong ned for these effects, and if that is the case, things may be manageable without anything other than therapy, or maybe just an understanding spouse.

take care of yourself though. you won't be a good spouse if you are constantly miserably becaus you have to keep hiding who you really are. but home is for man the only place where they really need freedom to just be.

visit the non-binary section to find other narratives, of forms of transition or non-transition that are not typically mtf.

Imagine yourself a 68 year old man, and then an 80 year old man. Consider where you are in life, the wrinkles, the ear hair, the years of life in that role. Then in those spots ask yourself if you okay with not transitioning. 

You just realized your trans and you have no body dysphoria. Sounds like my first day at therapy when my therapist asked about my body parts specifically and I said "oh, I love my penis" two years later, yeah not so much.

Low dose can be pretty remarkable to alleviate symptoms but it can also provide clarity and speed up the process too.

I'm sorry you may be in an either or scenario but I can also say with time to adjust she might come around (not trying to give any false hope here)

I tried very hard at not transitioning.  Came close at age 18 and 22.  I did my best to ignore how I felt. Thought I was everything but trans.  I finally reached a breaking point after turning 29.  I was terrified of aging anymore as a male and did not want to feel regret later on for waiting.  I'm giving up a marriage and a career I was already halfway to retirement in. Sucks losing people and things we cherish, but to me it sucked more losing my mind over this constant inner battle of gender dysphoria.

If you truly feel like you're going to regret never transition later in life, better now than never.  This is how I looked at it, and I'm actually happy for once!

i think the most important step in order to live without transitioning, would je to never try to ignore how you feel.
i feel the way i feeli am who i am, and i know for a fact that i want to transition.
but interestingly i don't feel like i can't have a happy life without transitioning.
happiness lies in making conscious decisions, weighing pros and cons, and knowing that you choose what is most important to you.

Thanks everyone so much for your responses, it's a great help.

When I said I didn't have "significant body dysphoria" I didn't mean that I had NONE but that it's not severe. However, there seem to be too many things in my life now that I can't deny to think that it won't be a problem later. I find myself increasingly dissatisfied with seeing a male in the mirror (as opposed to the past two decades where it was more a feeling of, "is that what I look like?" and disconnection from myself rather than something I realized was related to my gender). Also the few minor cosmetic steps I've taken toward transition (shaving, a somewhat more androgynous haircut, subtle wardrobe changes) have made me very very happy which has left me with the feeling that the more steps I take toward transition the more I'm going to want it (that is, a low level dose of HRT like many of you suggested is likely to make me want more). For instance, now that I've shaved my legs I'm unable to let it grow back. It bothers me.

Despite all of this I'm left with the constant feeling that this new type of happiness isn't worth losing the happiness I had before. It's hard for me to feel like there won't be MORE hardships for me post-transition than by not doing it, yet here I am still sitting here fantasizing about doing it. It's very difficult and confusing as I'm sure you all know.

I just feel like I'm in a very peculiar situation as someone who really had no recognition of being trans until I was 34 years old (as opposed to so many who say they always knew since they were a young child) but now in retrospect I can see that it's been there my whole life and I just couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge it.

Thank you all again for your help.

I tried Not-Transitioning for about as long as you've been on this planet. It took a tremendous amount of emotional or psychic energy. The need for more intense diversions, distractions, and denial affects all aspects of your life and others around you. Since you cannot be you, you turn into a thing. A lifeless soulless machine.

It was also something I needed to do at that point in my life and personal development. I experimented with transitioning twice in my early 20's, stopping both times. Opting for being a "Normal"(ish) guy. I was ill prepared for those attempts and my dysphoria, like yours, was far from overwhelming. Sure since about the age of 4 I felt I should have been born a female, the world and time I grew up in offered no alternative. Just suck it up and get back to work.

Knowing you are TG does not automatically mean transitioning full time is the only route to happiness. In fact, it is far from guaranteed. Many of us need to go full time since the alternative is going to the other side of the grass. Just as gender and all its various expressions covers a broad spectrum between cis-male and cis-female, so does methods for coping with the feelings of being TG.

Six years ago after the excrement hit the air handler in my life, the time came for me to really take on the trans beast. I started with a TG support group, dropped the T-Bomb on my wife, who already knew to some extent I was TG on the CD end of the spectrum. Read a lot of self-help books, got some therapy, some HRT and turned my life around. I still present as male. In an ideal world it would be female. But the world is far from ideal. Right now it is not practical for me to. Right now there is no overwhelming need to. There are other options that are working, that allow me not to just survive but to feel joyous, to feel happy being me, to feel good being in my own skin for the first time in over 50 years.

I can tell you from personal experience that I was born female and growing up I was a major tomboy - always wanted short hair, dressed in boy's clothing, didn't like dollies or princess dress-up or things like that. I played Hot Wheels cars and my friends were guys, I could tell dirtier jokes than most of them and even had some friends who thought I was a guy because my name is suitable for either gender...

When I got older I became suicidally depressed when I got my period, to the point where I would cry and feel really bipolar from my other times happy self. It got to the point where I was put on Depo Provera (progesterone) because the shot makes you NOT get your period. I never wanted kids and didn't like babies, so reproductively I didn't fit the female mold - especially because I was very fixated on sex - something our society tries to pretend is something only boys really want and try to get during those years where girls are supposed to be 'good' and not want to be 'slutty'.

I even thought lesser of women than men - believed they were less capable, didn't have many female friends, preferred the company of men, etcetera. I was basically a misogynist. With all of that, how COULD I be female?

I always wished for a penis and had tried to pee standing up many times, actually with a good bit of success. At one point it came to others' attention that I may be transgender, and remembering and retelling these experiences it seemed like all the evidence was there! I took testosterone, had doctors giving me diagnoses and they for sure thought that I was transgender...

I had top surgery, bottom surgery, felt really into my male identity - I thought it was great to be a man! But you know what? Even as a 'man' I would look at myself and see something that needed changing. Sure I was happy after top surgery, but then a year or so later it was frustrating when I didn't have pecs... I looked at my face and wanted a larger nose and a big squared jaw like the men I admired... dysphoria does not go away. Either we learn to accept ourselves as we are (whether with or without transition) or we continue to focus on and obsess over every feature we don't like.

The grass is always greener on the other side... that's why plastic surgery is such a big business. It's easy to say I would be happy if... I just had someone who loved me... if I could only have children ... if I didn't work at a job I hate... if I had more money ... if I was a guy ... if I was a girl ... but you know what? At some point we have to realize that just like with buying that new electronic or car or house, life is infinitely more complicated than that and either we learn to be happy right here and right now or we keep spinning our wheels and chasing our tails, wasting time and money and suffering until the lesson finally kicks in.

Eventually I realized that I was NOT transgender - yes there were things I didn't like about being female. Yes I had suffered from dysphoria about certain aspects of my body. But those things never go away - if you focus on the bad things about being YOU, no matter your gender, then when the newness wears off, you settle into a normal daily routine, and go back to ruminating on negative things, you will be just as poor off because you'll still think about all the bad things in your life!

I am now in the process of detransitioning, which I began earlier this year. Of course there are still things I don't like about my body, but it's different things than before. Instead of loathing the fat on my thighs, it's the little bit on my stomach from T that I detest, instead of wishing for a 'happy trail' that I always thought was so cool, I am frustrated by the one that is present and the stubble or red bumps when I remove it... instead of wishing for big strong muscles on my physique I am removing body hair and waiting for the hair on my head to get longer.

I learned that happiness is in the mind. You cannot buy it with money nor can changing your circumstances change your outlook. It's something that happens inside, not outside. Realize that there are disabled people much happier than plenty of 'perfect bodied' people and even models! Realize that there are people scraping by with barely food or anything living in the ghetto who are happier than some rich and successful people! Realize that I know single people, infertile people, and people who've lost their partner or child who have a nicer outlook and better lives than some people I know who are wealthy and married with their whole family alive and well!

Nothing can 'make' you happy. When you think a negative thought, change it to a positive one. It's not easy. It seems like work. It's like exercise. But it's the only thing that will ever, ever make a real and lasting difference, otherwise you'll find yourself able to change job, house, partner, anything and still never feel the happiness and content you imagined would be yours once the last problem disappeared - because there is ALWAYS another problem. Life isn't about racing to solve them all, it's about enjoying yourself and your life despite them.

CT

Thank you for your post. Your message that nothing can make you happy is indeed my experience.  But I do think that while being satisfied with where you are, or what you have, may work,  where you are more than mildly dysphoric and experiencing distress then it needs to be investigated and in most cases addressed. Yes, some folk may be able to live without transitioning or even low dose hrt etc but for others this may not be possible.

A good therapist and a determination to find your truth certainly helps.  Good fortune and support will help you find the right answer.   But in other cases I wonder whether only the journey itself will provide the answer.

Do you think that you could have reached the same answer without your journey?  It sounds like the journey changed you or at least helped you better understand yourself.

Safe travels

Aisla

Mutilating myself was not necessary in order for me to come to the conclusion that changing external circumstances will not ever bring happiness. I am under 25 years old, and already I am debilitated - I am dependent upon hormonal replacement, I have scars that I wish I did not have, I have a paper trail that will chase me until I manage to get my records sealed, and unless there is a true miracle I will not be able to birth children. But you know what? I could just as easily have learned this lesson based on the fact that I was not satisfied with my body before, even when I exercised or got piercings or tattoos or changed the way I dressed or cut my hair, when I was not satisfied with the job I had or any of the jobs that I switched to, when I could not be pleased with my life when I was single but kept getting into relationships with people who made me no happier.

It is a tragedy what I did, and what happened to me as a result. If I could take it all back, I would. I absolutely would. Lessons are learned when we open our eyes, stop blaming the world for our problems, and learn to think in a way that makes us happy, successful, and pleasant to be around. They are not learned by blaming society, by thinking a new house or car or job or romance will solve our problems because quite simply it won't.

It is nice to believe that transition will just make people happy, and there may be some people for whom it does, but from what I have seen, on a long enough timeline people want more, they want something different, there is an annoyance in their environment or situation and they feel that it needs to be solved for them to find happiness. It drives a lot of progress, but it does not create lasting happiness. It creates a feeling of success as each milestone is reached, but the drive to continue forward is only there because people are NOT satisfied with where they are at.

CT-
I think your posts almost deserve their own thread. It's really an important story to share.

Did you feel you were pushed into transition? Or was it just youthful enthusiasm?

I'm the older generation where everything was done to not let anyone transition, it was forbidden to even start before the age of 23 if I remember rightly. It was a horror story to be trans 30 years ago. Nowadays, as much as I am happy that people have it so much easier, I sometimes get the feeling that some people get pushed into transitioning out of misinformation or something.

For one thing, we live in very gender conforming times again. Gender variance is not seen as normal variation, but rather it's all "trans(sexual)". Even many butches and drag queens get pushed towards transition at early ages, which is a bit of a 180° turnaround from the situation in the early 1980s (not that that situation was better).

Then, there is no identity for gender variant "straight" people. While you can live as butch or drag queen, without transitioning, there is no such choice if you are "straight", esp. if you are an ftm cross dresser or gender variant. Tomboy is not really seen as a viable transgender identity for adults.
Also, straight cross dressers are in some way much more stigmatized and invisible than gay or lesbian cross dressers.

And all the talks about "trans brain" that you have in the US often gives the impression that if someone has "male brain" or "female brain", this is like a diagnosable physical condition that means you *must* transition, instead of one way to deal with gender variance.

The decision to transition should in all cases be something that we make ourselves, not something that others tell us. Especially not when they feel a person is somehow "different", a square peg, and by transitioning, that person would fit in better with the gender binary.
And we should be really aware that transitioning is only *one* way of being trans or gender variant.

Quote from: birdguhrl on October 08, 2014, 09:46:59 AM
Hello,



Has anyone made the decision not to transition and successfully lived a healthy life? Am I kidding myself that this is something that can be done?

I am in the process of finding this out for myself. After being absolutely convinced the only way I would make it is to go through a full transition my amazing wife and the mother of my adorable child became increasingly less willing to make the leap with me. I literally had the pills in my hand and tossed them away because I didn't want to lose her or what I have. But the cat is out of the bag and my wife understands that things have changed. She's always been really cool with my fluid gender expression so I've been able to bring it into our lives in a far more honest and pronounced way. I think without that and without the friends who have been there for me since I came out socially, the dysphoria would consume me. As is, I'm feeling pretty okay with it. I grew my hair out, I often wear polish on my nails or eyeliner, or lipstick when I'm out and about, I present as female on work outings, around the house, at parties etc. No one really cares and at the end of the day I'm not tortured that I have to revert to a male guise for bedtime. I guess that's sort of the tipping point for a lot of people. Do you need to be a woman when you go to sleep? When you're making eggs at 6AM? If the answer is an emphatic yes then I think transition needs to be considered. But if your lazy sunday could be just as satisfying without defining your gender, you probably can strike a balance and make some tradeoffs in your life that make non-transitioning a possibility. I'm probably oversimplifying things, but I sort of had to as a survival mechanism because part of me will ALWAYS wonder if transition would ultimately make me happier even amidst the abundant happiness that already defines my life in-between.

Curious that you're in your mid-30's and married 11 years with no children. If your wife is roughly the same age as you, her fertility window will be closing up soon, you know.

If that's the main thing holding you back, have a child or bank material then go for it imo.

Have electrolysis. 20+ hours of that to the upper lip will test your resolve. I've found nothing about transitioning particularly easy. There is no glory in having to - only in coming out the other side with great confidence and the potential for better days.

Quote from: Bunter on October 21, 2014, 07:02:39 AM
CT-
I think your posts almost deserve their own thread. It's really an important story to share.

Did you feel you were pushed into transition? Or was it just youthful enthusiasm?

I'm the older generation where everything was done to not let anyone transition, it was forbidden to even start before the age of 23 if I remember rightly. It was a horror story to be trans 30 years ago. Nowadays, as much as I am happy that people have it so much easier, I sometimes get the feeling that some people get pushed into transitioning out of misinformation or something.

For one thing, we live in very gender conforming times again. Gender variance is not seen as normal variation, but rather it's all "trans(sexual)". Even many butches and drag queens get pushed towards transition at early ages, which is a bit of a 180° turnaround from the situation in the early 1980s (not that that situation was better).

Then, there is no identity for gender variant "straight" people. While you can live as butch or drag queen, without transitioning, there is no such choice if you are "straight", esp. if you are an ftm cross dresser or gender variant. Tomboy is not really seen as a viable transgender identity for adults.
Also, straight cross dressers are in some way much more stigmatized and invisible than gay or lesbian cross dressers.

And all the talks about "trans brain" that you have in the US often gives the impression that if someone has "male brain" or "female brain", this is like a diagnosable physical condition that means you *must* transition, instead of one way to deal with gender variance.

The decision to transition should in all cases be something that we make ourselves, not something that others tell us. Especially not when they feel a person is somehow "different", a square peg, and by transitioning, that person would fit in better with the gender binary.
And we should be really aware that transitioning is only *one* way of being trans or gender variant.

I would be happy to write a complete post if a Mod might sticky it, that way I could tell my story all in a row, include everything, and it wouldn't be bits and pieces scattered throughout other threads. If so, someone just PM me and I will make a new thread and include everything I can, and really take my time to write it well. Just wondering, but are we allowed to name specific institutions? I think it's important people be aware of what they're walking into if they go to the same place I went for care...

This odyssey began when someone close to me told me they thought that I was a transsexual. I was very insistent that this was not the case - I'd often thought about how things would be 'if I was a boy' or if reincarnation was real and I were male in a past life, things of that sort, but I had never given myself the label of 'transsexual'. Yet the person was very persistent and pointed out to me the fact that many of the clothes I liked (baggy jeans, baseball hats, tank tops and t-shirts, etc) were men's clothing, that the tattoos I wanted were masculine, and that I liked having short hair and very badly wanted a mohawk although at the time I was not able to have one. He pointed out that I didn't like girly stuff or have positive feelings toward women, among other things. After arguing about it for some time, I began to see the 'evidence' piling up all around me - indeed, it did seem that I must be a guy mentally if not physically.

When I went to see a counselor and told her about my childhood, the things I liked, and my feelings toward women and men, she only met with me that one time and wrote me the name of a clinic where I could go for transgender care - meaning hormones. At this point I had never been diagnosed officially with GID but she said I seemed like I was serious and did not need to continue coming all the way to her (a state away from me) when the other place was closer. Note, she did not write me a letter of recommendation, did not give me a diagnosis, and did not contact the clinic for me. She simply told me to call myself.

At that clinic, I was evaluated on one occasion by a person who turned out to be an FtM themselves... that individual talked to me for less than one hour and I told him I felt like I was a transsexual, and that when I was a child kids had mistaken me for a boy because I'd had short hair and worn baggy jeans and t-shirts, etcetera, and that I liked men's clothing and wanted tattoos and all that. At no point did the person ever tell me that maybe I was not a transsexual. They never asked me if I thought it was okay for girls to like those things too, or if maybe I could be happy expanding my idea of what was acceptable for women to wear or look like. Instead, they reassured me that if I took testosterone I could look 'just like a normal man' (I had feared that I would not, especially because at the time I was 108lb and just under 5'4... nope! All I got was reassurance - the counselor told me that I DID NOT NEED to undergo a year of therapy, and that at the clinic they will prescribe people medications without following the Harry Benjamin standards of care!!!

At that point in time I was only 20 years old... not even drinking age!

I then saw a doctor at that same clinic and she spoke with me to ask if I understood the effects of HRT and gave me paperwork to sign, assuring me that if I initialled all of the spots on the form, I would be given testosterone. This was the first time I had seen her, and the next time I did so I was given an injection of testosterone - immediately after I had turned 21...

The story does go on, but just to let you know what they are doing in Washington DC, no there isn't any real difficulty securing hormones and they diagnosed me with a condition that has no known cure and the only treatment is to hormonally and surgically alter your body. Something I deeply regret, but even now it has been YEARS since this happened and I am not even old enough to rent a car! A 23 year old should not be picking up the pieces from trauma like this, encouraged by doctors who spent around 20 minutes talking to me and had NO real medical history on me, had only just met me... I think it's truly a tragedy.

The worst part is that when I spoke with the compliance department and asked what was being done to prevent this from happening in the future, they blew me off, saying 'We came up with our own guidelines that we follow which is that we interview patients and only treat them if we honestly believe that they are truly transgender and this is going to be best for them'. REALLY? A transgender mental health professional who does not discourage patients at all and only meets them once before sending them on their way to a prescribing doctor, and a prescribing doctor who only meets a patient once and sends them home with the consent forms... no, that is absolutely inappropriate - even if you do not consider my age or the fact that they knew nothing about my medical history, it was very negligent of them.

Quote from: ChaoticTribe on October 21, 2014, 03:30:12 PM
The worst part is that when I spoke with the compliance department and asked what was being done to prevent this from happening in the future, they blew me off, saying 'We came up with our own guidelines that we follow which is that we interview patients and only treat them if we honestly believe that they are truly transgender and this is going to be best for them'. REALLY? A transgender mental health professional who does not discourage patients at all and only meets them once before sending them on their way to a prescribing doctor, and a prescribing doctor who only meets a patient once and sends them home with the consent forms... no, that is absolutely inappropriate - even if you do not consider my age or the fact that they knew nothing about my medical history, it was very negligent of them.

And yet, this is exactly what those who promote Informed Consent want.. Can you imagine the same process applied to SRS?

For me its just been a rush of emotions because I have just recently come to the conclusion that I am transgender and that I want to be a woman more than anything but then I think about my life and what I have done in it and the jobs that I have had and how much harder it would be to live as a woman and how I wouldn't even know how to start. I mean if I was taking hormones I would have to have the confidence to be proud when I grew breasts and got more feminine and softer features, would I still be able to work in the area that I worked at without looking like a freak and being judged every single day. I am not sure that I will ever get to the point of ever having surgery because in all honesty I don't think i would ever be able to afford it.

So for now I just have decided to sit back and relax and think it out and I am like whats the hurry. I am forty years old and feel like I am younger because I am very active in summer and winter with activities such as hiking and downhill skiing which makes me feel young. My first step is to go see a gender therapist and go to a few meetings of other transgender folks and go from there and get a better understanding of what my options are and perhaps getting advice about jobs and what not. I mean the thing I think about the most about being a woman and a good job would be dressed up and working in a department store and working in the womans clothing because it would be easy to give advice to the clothes that I enjoy just as much as those real woman but I enjoy them a little bit more I imagine. I think we all have to take baby steps and not rush ourselves into doing anything.

Therapy is the first step and after a few months you'll know a ton more about yourself and what you want and need in all areas of your life. Highly recommend it!

Quote from: kelly_aus on October 21, 2014, 04:56:47 PM
And yet, this is exactly what those who promote Informed Consent want.. Can you imagine the same process applied to SRS?

Want to know something absolutely horrible and terrifying? In my search I HAD found doctors who could and did perform surgeries without requiring therapists' letters... even some of those who state otherwise on their websites will offer surgeries to you if you ask, and you can even schedule them without bringing up the forms, and neither will some of them, a 'dont ask dont tell' that can be profoundly catastrophic for those involved. Such doctors should lose their medical licenses.

I believe that no individual should be given any form of hormones without obtaining all of their medical records, speaking with any and all prior doctors available, and requiring therapy. This is the very bare minimum, and surgery should not be given before two full years of documented, uninterrupted therapy. If there really is such profound dysphoria and distress in the patient's life, they need it anyway to minimize psychological damage and teach coping mechanisms.

Quote from: ChaoticTribe on October 23, 2014, 06:08:47 PM
Want to know something absolutely horrible and terrifying? In my search I HAD found doctors who could and did perform surgeries without requiring therapists' letters... even some of those who state otherwise on their websites will offer surgeries to you if you ask, and you can even schedule them without bringing up the forms, and neither will some of them, a 'dont ask dont tell' that can be profoundly catastrophic for those involved. Such doctors should lose their medical licenses.

I believe that no individual should be given any form of hormones without obtaining all of their medical records, speaking with any and all prior doctors available, and requiring therapy. This is the very bare minimum, and surgery should not be given before two full years of documented, uninterrupted therapy. If there really is such profound dysphoria and distress in the patient's life, they need it anyway to minimize psychological damage and teach coping mechanisms.

Wow.. Way to make life even harder for trans people..

Going back through my medical records would reveal squat.. There's no records there that would be of any use.. Grommets x 3.. Tonsillectomy.. Bilateral hydrocele repair.. Frequent chest and ear infections.. Depression.. Hardly enlightening. Actually talking to them would reveal even less. So what's the point of this?

2 years of therapy? Are you a shill for the therapists? I did about 5 months before I started HRT, which is when I was ready - my therapist had been waiting for me. And 4 years later, I no longer see a therapist for gender issues - I no longer have any. All making it harder to receive hormones will do is increase the amount of self-medding and suicide.. 

CT-

this thread is completely highjacked now, and I hope the mods will separate it and make a new one. I'm replying here to you again.

It's massively problematic if someone tells you that he *perceives* you to be trans.
That's exactly the wrong interpretation of trans.
Trans is *not* something that you can see on the outside. It's about internal identity *despite* how you look on the outside.
It's deeply personal (even though it might express itself for some people in behaviour, dress etc).

When someone looks or behaves gender-noncomforming, that can mean lots of things:

1. the person is just a bit gender-noncomforming in behaviour (tomboy, sissy, etc)
2. the person has mixed or fluent or very vague gender ID
3. the person is gay/bi (butch, drag queen) but 100% cis
4. the person is a straight crossdresser/crossdreamer with a cis ID
5. the person is artistic, sporty etc ;-)
6. the person is transgender but has no interest in physical transition (some might transition socially in some way)
7. the person is transgender/transsexual but has valid reasons for not transitioning
8. the person is transgender/transsexual, and wants to transition partially/part-time etc
9. the person is transgender/transsexual, and wants to transition.
etc etc

I'm sure I've forgotten some variants.

Only the person in question can know (after some soul searching) which of the above variants refers to them (or if they belong to another variant that isn't listed). Nobody else can do that. In fact, in European standards of care for transgender treatment, it says exactly that- nobody can "diagnose" trans but yourself.

That's why it is so important to separate gender expression from gender identity. And even cross-gender identity doesn't mean that transitioning is the right way. There are a lot more people who are cross- gender identified than who are actually transitioning. A good therapist gives the patient an overview of all these options.

Since the individuals posting in this thread feel that it has been 'hijacked' and don't seem to appreciate input into my experience and the flaws with the current legality of rushing people through processes and into transition, I will stop posting in this thread. Have a nice day everybody =)

It's up to you tbh. If you draw your answers from people who aren't in the same situation as you but they tell you it will get worse, that's what you'll believe.
It's part of human nature. To believe what where told after we've heard it enough.

"Since the individuals posting in this thread feel that it has been 'hijacked' and don't seem to appreciate input into my experience and the flaws with the current legality of rushing people through processes and into transition, I will stop posting in this thread. Have a nice day everybody =)"

??? WTF???  :laugh: I was the one asking for more input from you, CT.

I said it's "highjacked" because that's the term when a second topic takes over the initial question. The usual way to deal with this common online occurrence would be to split the thread into two, or copy parts over into a new thread. I don't know how the admins handle it on this forum?

Quote from: birdguhrl on October 08, 2014, 09:46:59 AMHas anyone made the decision not to transition and successfully lived a healthy life? Am I kidding myself that this is something that can be done?

birdguhrl Of Course not transitioning can be manageable . . . I suppose it depends on what life management skills you have to begin with? If in a happy, healthy relationship already why risk messing that up? Having struggled with GID for almost 40 years it was wanting and keeping a family (two kids now in High School) that has kept my dysphoria within bounds, self-imposed limits. You don't seem to have that problem . . .

. . . so it's your choice really. Are you the type of person that feels 'victimized' or cheated by lack of 'life choices' OR would you view 'transition', which can take on varied forms wholly dependent upon you, as a positive force in the future?

Having been divorced three years now marriage is a whole 'nuther issue not really relevant since we live in a increasingly feminist based society that tends to discourages, mitigate against 'staying together' anyway. Not a big fan of 'therapy in general' but the two gender specialists I've experienced were pretty amenable, supportive, not a 'problem' at all.

Perhaps for some non-transitioning can be workable, but I greatly disagree that it is a matter of choice. Some can handle the strain and stress, some can't. It would be foolish to assume otherwise.

Absolutely agree about the stress and strain, at least for me. I'm going slow because my marriage is important but just because you want one thing more than another doesn't mean you don't mourn the one you give up. I'm quite certain the balance will shift eventually, and I'll have to complete the transition to stay sane, but for now, I'm still trying to "boil the frog".

I am so on the fence about if I want to transition or not. Its like one day I really want to and then the next I am like hmmmm do I really. I am just at the very early stages of realizing who and what I am, I mean its obvious from my picture that I am still male but in my mind and in my soul I am female so I have a long way to go. I have yet to see a gender therapist and I am not sure when I will do that, hopefully sometime this winter. I think only you can figure out how far you are willing to go to be who you truly are and no one really can tell you what to do or not to do.

I mean when I think about transitioning I think about the changes that I will eventually feel, softer skin, getting hips and someday developing breasts which is the one thing that I think about the most. I mean if I have breasts and never have surgery to change the downstairs then I think I will be happy either way and feel like if I don't then I am not the woman that I want to be. I think if I do transition that I have to put lots of things into play like finding a TG friendly place to work where I will not be an outcast or put down or heckled or what not, just don't want to deal with all that drama. When I think about it that is the only real hurdle that I can see, it would be easy to tell family once I am confortable in dressing full time and the worse that happens is that they reject me and I still go on living my life.

Well sorry got into a vent about myself, I wish you the best and feel like you will figure it all out so that you can be happy with who you really are.

The stress and strain of non-transitioning versus the stress and strain of transitioning--
I have recently met a couple of older trans women who have detransitioned after 20 or 30 years of successfully passing, mostly because things got so much harder in older age, that they felt they had to detransition. None of them regretted transitioning or even getting surgeries, but they felt they couldn't take it anymore.
(a similar phenomenon exists for gay and lesbian elders who need to go into care in older age, and for safety reasons go back in the closets).

Dear Bunder, may I ask what things got harder?  I can imagine health issues?  Can you expand please, for us that are in the dilemma of transitioning or not transitioning.  Thanks,
Andrea.

Quote from: Bunter on October 27, 2014, 02:23:52 AM
. . . older trans women who have detransitioned after 20 or 30 years

;D lol taking a slow '20 to 30' years to transition in the first place is another way to go. People talk about 'stress & strains' life is difficult enough! Nowadays a 'masculine female' is commonplace, no big deal that we see everyday but presenting androgynous, nominally cis born male and getting 'ma'am'd by strangers anyway has rewards all it's own ( with drawbacks, pitfalls ZERO )!

Always Liked the Movie 'Orlando'  8)

Quote from: ChaoticTribe on October 20, 2014, 10:35:56 AM
It is nice to believe that transition will just make people happy, and there may be some people for whom it does, but from what I have seen, on a long enough timeline people want more, they want something different, there is an annoyance in their environment or situation and they feel that it needs to be solved for them to find happiness. It drives a lot of progress, but it does not create lasting happiness. It creates a feeling of success as each milestone is reached, but the drive to continue forward is only there because people are NOT satisfied with where they are at.

I believe this is a wise statement.

I grew up in a time where there was no internet and there was no information at all on transitioning. It wasn't at all like how it is today. Thinking back if someone would have asked me, "If you could look and be male in society, do you want that?" I would have most likely said yes. If they would have told me the only way to do that would be to inject myself with hormones for the rest of my life and undergo surgeries, that definitely would have given me pause. Yet I was diagnosed with GID at one point and my hesitation and not wanting to have to rely on medication my body didn't physically need to survive kept anyone from saying I was trans. Because by their logic, if I wasn't gung ho about that stuff, I wasn't trans. Which I came to believe wasn't actually true. And so, here I sit as a trans person who never transitioned.

Even with hormones and surgeries, I'd never have the body that would make me "happy" like the body I picture myself with in my mind. So if you're never going to be happy after putting yourself through all of that, why do it in the first place, I thought. You have to come to your own terms with yourself that there's always going to be something that you're going to want that you're not going to be able to have. That's life. If you don't find your own, unique way to deal with those feelings, you're not going to do so well. You're always going to be chasing something and you may obtain it, only to find that, well, now you want this ... or this ... or this.

Finding ways to be okay (not jumping for joy happy, but simply, okay) with what I've got was a difficult step because I'd gone for years hating myself and the so-called hand I was dealt in life. That's not productive. That doesn't make you feel good. It makes you make really crappy decisions. It makes you depressed or angry. It's a sure fire way to make a mess of your life in many ways.

So it's not just about transitioning or not transitioning, it's about finding some sort of inner peace and acceptance with your life in general and living in the moment.