Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi all

New member of the site. I'm 32 years old and a mtf transwoman. I've recently come to terms with my identity and ready to start making steps in transitioning. I've been in therapy for about a month now, and plan on attending some of my local trans support groups coming up.

One thing I haven't really been able to do is get others perspective on having young children and transitioning, and what things i should consider in both the short term, as well as the long-term. I currently have a 2.5 year old daughter and not only am I not sure how to proceed in the short-term, I have worries on what types of long-term effects it could have on her social development and experiences as she gets older. She is able to communicate and is now old enough to understand the difference between males and females, and she understands that her Daddy and other people's daddy's are males.

Is there anyone on the forum who has already transitioned with young children and been through the whole process? or even someone in the middle of the process?

1. What is the best way to come out to a 2 year old. I'm not sure they really understand something as deep as this, at this age.
2. Did you have your child still call you Daddy/Dad, etc, or did you have them switch to Mommy?
3. For the folks that have gone through it with young children where your kids are now older, what was the overall experience/process like?

Unfortunately my therapist has no experience with transgender patients who had having children. So i appreciate any feedback and insights you guys might have.

I'm not going to be terribly helpful, but I have a 4 year old, a two year old, and a 10 month old. I am not full time yet, nor am I sure what I'm going to do I/r/t coming out to them. But a member recently shared this blog and it has helped me a lot.

http://firsttimesecondtime.com/2012/04/12/nothing-lost/

kira21, if you see this, thanks for sharing some personal information with me in your PM. i Would reply there, but i don't yet have access to this probably due to my post count. but thank you!

any others out there with children who don't mind sharing your experiences?

I'm in the same boat. 2 young children (both under three). I'll be coming out soon to my wife, but I have no idea how to manage the kids.

Megan.

I have four children, two boys and two girls all 11 or under. The youngest is 4. Ive come out to their mum, we're separated, and I'm now working through how to approach the children about it. I'm working with my therapist and will hopefully be in a position to speak with the children in a few months.

A two year old is very young, I personally wouldn't speak to the child just yet, only because I would be surprised if the child understood. What I do know thjough is the messages need to be age appropriate, so I will speak to my children separately. Also having their mum on side will help I think. There are also a number of great kids books that may help. I haven't read this one but it looks quite good. Regarding whether the kids will call me dad in the future, I doubt it. I think of it in terms of if we were out shopping, and I look 100% female, yet the children call me dad, that may raise some eyebrows and make the children feel uncomfortable. I was thinking of a different name, someone suggested simply 'Dee' as in Dad but sounds more feminine. Its a tough one but I know that I have to prepare myself for the worst, the kids may not want to see me again, which would break my heart.

http://www.amazon.com/My-New-Mommy/dp/1482757192/ref=sr_1_4/177-7128982-3754953?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413118055&sr=1-4&keywords=Children+of+transgender+parents

Quote from: michelle82 on October 11, 2014, 08:10:03 PM
kira21, if you see this, thanks for sharing some personal information with me in your PM. i Would reply there, but i don't yet have access to this probably due to my post count. but thank you!

any others out there with children who don't mind sharing your experiences?

You are welcome :-) x

Quote from: BreezyB on October 12, 2014, 07:51:27 AM
I have four children, two boys and two girls all 11 or under. The youngest is 4. Ive come out to their mum, we're separated, and I'm now working through how to approach the children about it. I'm working with my therapist and will hopefully be in a position to speak with the children in a few months.

A two year old is very young, I personally wouldn't speak to the child just yet, only because I would be surprised if the child understood. What I do know thjough is the messages need to be age appropriate, so I will speak to my children separately. Also having their mum on side will help I think. There are also a number of great kids books that may help. I haven't read this one but it looks quite good. Regarding whether the kids will call me dad in the future, I doubt it. I think of it in terms of if we were out shopping, and I look 100% female, yet the children call me dad, that may raise some eyebrows and make the children feel uncomfortable. I was thinking of a different name, someone suggested simply 'Dee' as in Dad but sounds more feminine. Its a tough one but I know that I have to prepare myself for the worst, the kids may not want to see me again, which would break my heart.

http://www.amazon.com/My-New-Mommy/dp/1482757192/ref=sr_1_4/177-7128982-3754953?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413118055&sr=1-4&keywords=Children+of+transgender+parents

Hi Breezy

Thanks for the book suggestion. I also tend to agree at 2 years old, I don't think she will understand much, let alone even remember me as a male in say 10 years from now. My main thing is as she grows up and has more interactions with people and society. I dont want her to feel uncomfortable with me. But it is tough because she knows her daddy and she knows the fundamental differences between male and female now. She also realizes that Dad's are male and Mom;s are female.

I dont think she will have difficulty with the change at this age, but it's really the long term effects that I worry about. I feel as the years go on, the better my ability to be stealth, the easier it will be not only for myself but for her as well, as  long as I'm in her life.

That's very true, kids that young will no doubt not remember much. I certainly don't remember things from when I was 2 or even 4 years old. But your right, because even my 4 year old daughter knows the difference between mum and dad. But I do wonder how much she identifies, as I do more feminine type things with the girls. I do their hair, nails etc. so they don't think of me as a real manly man I think.

When I made the choice to transition I realised that no doubt some people will be hurt, so all I can do is try to minimise the damage I may do in their lives. As sad as it makes me to say, that includes my children. I mean I decided to transition now, knowing full well the implication for the children. I weighed it all up and decided transition was nesesary right now.

It doesn't mean I don't love my children, I do enormously. But I do need to be very considerate and smart about how I approach the subject of transition with the kids. Do you have a therapist you work with?

Following this topic closely. I'm just starting my transition, my kids are both fresh teenagers andiI fear my son will be ridiculed and be made fun of due to my transition.   :embarrassed:

I didn't say anything to my 2 year old and 4 year old at the time (now 4 and 6).  I just started gradually changing my presentation for two years and when complete told them I felt like a girl so I was going to be and act like one. That pretty much did it.  There will be more questions in time and I'll answer them age appropriately at that time.  In the gradual shifting I answered questions like "why are you wearing a pink shirt" with "because I like pink" and that was the end of it.

We way over think it with the little ones IMO.

When I figured out I was trans, I was comforted by the fact that a good friend of mine is the daughter of a transwoman, and is a wonderful, kind, happy, and relatively well-adjusted (compared to whom I tend to spend time with) person. I have little worry about how my own daughter (18 mos) will grow up, because I will make an effort to put many adult role models into her life, and make sure she feels loved and accepted for who SHE is. Young children are kind of narcissistic by nature.

Here are the things my friend told me, and even though these are only the experiences of one family, I hope you all find this helpful.

1. When my friend's dad transitioned, she told her children that she loved them very much and was proud to be their father, but was really a woman and was going to begin living as one. I think the kids were about grade-school age. I haven't thought about what I'm going to do, but I will need to make it a point that women don't normally "grow" into men like mommy, especially since she herself is female.

2. My friend still calls her dad her "dad" even in public. I'm female and would still want my daughter to call me "mom". I gave birth to her and I'm proud of that. I was worried how this would look in public, but my friend assured me that transitioning in itself takes so much courage and willpower, that hopefully I'd be proud enough of my family and my body that I didn't care what strangers thought.

3. I can't speak for myself yet, but as for my friend, she grew up to be a wonderful person. She's married, child-free, happy, and isn't without problems but gets through them alright. She participates in her dad's pride parade float every year, and is clearly on good terms with / loves both of her parents. She did admit to me that it was weird having a transgender family member, but she grew up with people who were supportive of her dad's decision, and supportive of trans issues in general. Her parents were already divorced for non-gender issues before the transition.

I feel weird speaking for my friend for point 3, but I hope the other stuff I passed on is helpful.

@Gothic - thanks for sharing its good to hear the some of the more positive stories.

@Breezy- Yeah when you weigh out how your own decisions might effect others
Especially your children it causes some serious doubt and fear. Its impossible to know how this might affect a child in the longterm but i guess i can only hope that as long as both of the parents love and care the child that is the best we can do. In some ways i feel im being selfish and should not have brought a child into the world without having my life sorted out from the get go. I can only pick up the pieces though and move forward.

The big thing for me is her getting older and being asked who or where her daddy is. Im fine with telling her myself but i don't want her to be put in a weird situation to have to explain and then be ridiculed for it. Or worse..

I talked about this with my therapist today and we sort of developed a plan for doing things in small steps to see how it goes.

The biggest thing is that I need to slowly but surely come out at home. Not just talk, but dress more often in front of the wife and kids. I am not going to start wearing dresses in front of them just yet, especially since they might start talking about it in school... but we're headed that way.

Seems like a good plan.

"Where is daddy?" Daddy is still here but parents could be called by a different name. I know that I always want to be there for my kids.

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 14, 2014, 02:50:55 PM
I talked about this with my therapist today and we sort of developed a plan for doing things in small steps to see how it goes.

The biggest thing is that I need to slowly but surely come out at home. Not just talk, but dress more often in front of the wife and kids. I am not going to start wearing dresses in front of them just yet, especially since they might start talking about it in school... but we're headed that way.

Seems like a good plan.

"Where is daddy?" Daddy is still here but parents could be called by a different name. I know that I always want to be there for my kids.

thanks for sharing ImagineKate. I think that will also be my approach is small steps, but i haven't really talked to my therapist in detail about it. Keep me posted on your progress!

And to clarify it's not that i worry about explaining things to her myself, i worry about her being questioned by others, and being uncomfortable having to explain or being ridiculed. Other kids can obviously be pretty harsh especially when you don't fit into the norm.  I recall how difficult my own childhood was for being different.

Also incase anyone else is interested. I discovered a group called COLAGE (www.colage.org) which is a nationwide support group for children with parents who are transgendered. I've reached out to them for resources, literature, specially aimed at younger children.  I will keep you updated with my progress as well!

Quote from: ashley_thomas on October 12, 2014, 11:07:56 AM
I didn't say anything to my 2 year old and 4 year old at the time (now 4 and 6).  I just started gradually changing my presentation for two years and when complete told them I felt like a girl so I was going to be and act like one. That pretty much did it.  There will be more questions in time and I'll answer them age appropriately at that time.  In the gradual shifting I answered questions like "why are you wearing a pink shirt" with "because I like pink" and that was the end of it.

Great words of wisdom and way to deal with the younger one's. Kudos!

Mine are 16 (daughter) and 15 (son). My daughter moved in with her mother and changed her last name because the "church" said I was evil and perverted. We have not talked since. My son accepted me fully and has been my rock throughout all of this. He does not mind being seen out with me and will defend me from others. He does not get picked on or made fun of in school. This could be because he is in the 10th grade and is 6'4" and 270 pounds of muscle. It has been good for him in other areas. He now protects other kids with gender issue's, disabilities and makes the smaller kids feel like giants. Some lucky person will get a fantastic SO some day! Younger kids are amazingly resilient because they do not have deep seated opinions and absolutes yet. Like Ashley put so well, just don't shock them and do it gradually. You should have no problems.  :)

Hi Michelle82. I don't have children but I have met a couple of transwomen with kids. There was this one lady who bought her two girls to this group thing at nerang australia. Those 9yro girls where called names at school  because of the situation but I asked them about their socalled dad, becoming another mother. They said that they love ( forget the name ) no matter what and they didn't care at all what ( name ) looked like. Being a childcare worker, I can say from experience that at 2yro there might be a little adjusting but they don't really care about looks, it is the emotional attachment that they cherish. So as long as you (In whatever form) are there for them. It's ok. It would be more the external input that could sway your child opinion. good luck for the future.

It's been what, a week and change?

Of course my wife initially wasn't happy with the changes at home, but the kids are indifferent. My wife still uses the incorrect pronouns but I'll let that slide for now. We have to develop a plan to change them.

The kids are indifferent. At home I wear almost exclusively femme clothing but not skirts and dresses just yet. They still love me as they always do.  School I have not approached yet but it may happen sooner rather than later. However their school is a religious (catholic) school so there is a challenge.

Kate how old are your kids if you dont mind me asking?

Quote from: michelle82 on October 28, 2014, 12:11:26 PM
Kate how old are your kids if you dont mind me asking?

They just turned 4. They're triplets, 2 girls 1 boy.

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 14, 2014, 02:50:55 PMI am not going to start wearing dresses in front of them just yet, especially since they might start talking about it in school... but we're headed that way.

Aaaand we are officially "that way" now. I now wear dresses and skirts at home in front of them without issue. They don't say a thing, and one of my daughters actually started counting the stripes and saying the colors on my red/black striped leisure dress... lol

I agree that simple answers such as Ashley suggested are best for young ones while your willingness to answer questions as they arise seems appropriate.  I have two adult children, three grand kids and 1.7 great grandkids.  (one is on the way)

My first coming out was as a queer and/or Bi person when my kids were in grade school.  That was hard and still is for my son who seemed to want a real man around.  My daughter, on the other hand, loved my boyfriends and we remain very close.  My second coming out as transgender 2 years ago was not any easier for my macho son.  He did talk to me about how, when he looks back on his life, my real identity "made sense" as he felt he was "being raised by two women anyway."  I have had very good acceptance from 2 of 3 grandkids but my son refuses to let me see his son.  Guess my point is that our children may have a feeling sense about who we are prior to any big announcements.  I also work with transgender youth and families and the younger generation's attitudes are much more progressive and tolerant IMO.

Good luck Hon.

Well I have a development to add, and quite a milestone for me. Two weeks ago I spoke to the children. Two girls, two boys.

Youngest is my 4 year old daughter, I didn't initially speak with her but have now. I just kept it very light, friendly and simple. I've been doing her hair and painting nails for way long so I think she just went 'huh?'.

My next oldest was my 7 year old daughter, she got it pretty well in fact, and has been fine with it all. Again we do lots of girl stuff together so she just wanted to know that it wasn't going to change anything.

My two boys are aged 9 and 11. My 9 year old is a very warm hearted loving child, he took it very well. He even said, 'I still love you dad' and 'it doesn't make me sad dad' because I was crying myself at this point.

Now my oldest son is 11, I don't think he initially took it that well. We spoke for around 10 minutes but he ended up asking if we could stop speaking about it. He's going through puberty himself so it's a tough time. But he's been great this weekend so I think I just need to give him some time.

In fact we all went out to a picnic with a girlfriend and her daughter today and the kids were fine. I think their a lot more resilient than we give them credit for.

I must say, it's a huge relief that they now at least know. They will understand the changes that are happening at least. But I'm not wearing really femme clothesl around them, keeping things androgynous.

I am so happy for you.

My word what an amazing result.

Congratulations!

Kami

My 6 year old asked if I will have long hair when I'm a girl all time.  He's got it now.

My 4 year old niece on the first time meeting asked why I am dressed in girl clothes and I said because I've always felt like a girl so I was going to start being one.  Second time we met she called me aunt Ashley and said nothing about my gender stuff.

Kids are refreshing.

Quote from: ashley_thomas on November 01, 2014, 01:06:50 PM
My 6 year old asked if I will have long hair when I'm a girl all time.  He's got it now.

My 4 year old niece on the first time meeting asked why I am dressed in girl clothes and I said because I've always felt like a girl so I was going to start being one.  Second time we met she called me aunt Ashley and said nothing about my gender stuff.

Kids are refreshing.

Aren't they just, I think their much smarter than adults. But that's so cute, your 6 year old clearly really 'gets it'. And your niece sounds so adorable, naw I bet it was so good to hear her say that. Talk about not being mis gendered. I mean, when a 4 year old cN get it right what wrong with some adults lol

It is historical now but back in the early 70s my son intuitively knew his "dad" was different.  Our culture was also less accepting.  I was finishing nursing school but my son told his grade school people that i was a cop or a fireman (like my brother).  I was the one who tucked my son in at night with a kiss and a bedtime story or chat.  I was the one who made dinners and held his hand when we hiked in the woods.  Ya, he knew who i was and is still rejecting me to this day.

As parents we have a very real responsibility to our children and community.  I'm sorry to admit it doesn't always work out with a loving relationship in the end.  I do a bit to stay in touch but cannot recommend a diet of one way love for an adult child.  I like to believe that it is easier today for all of us to be ourselves without such hurtful discrimination.

Found a simple article today, but it's to the point and reminds us not to project our adult views & limits onto kids:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marvi-matos/on-the-other-side-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly_b_6063974.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000050

Quote from: michelle1 on November 03, 2014, 08:35:37 PM
Found a simple article today, but it's to the point and reminds us not to project our adult views & limits onto kids:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marvi-matos/on-the-other-side-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly_b_6063974.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000050

Great article Michelle, and like you said, to the point and in my view so true. The simple state that stands out for me is "The mistake adults make when thinking about children's reactions to deviations from the "norm" is assuming that children are somehow going to be traumatized."

Yep, and we are often pleasantly surprised. My children are just carrying on as normal now. They were even so proud when I took them to see where dad works, it didn't matter that I was dressed femme and they simply lived in the moment, it was great

thanks all for sharing  your experiences. Its a definately a tricky path to navigate. But i agree with the general sentiment, that we probably overthink a lot of these things.

I'm fairly confident that my little child will not be traumatized by seeing me female.  So far i've only been doing small things at home, like painting my nails, wearing more feminine clothing, growing out my hair, etc.

I haven't had any sort of "talk" with her yet, as she is very young, and you can only communicate so much to a 2 year old.  So i'm just living for the most part, and will be ready to answer any questions that she might have as the come up.

ultimately my long term goal is to be fully transitioned and living stealth by the time she is going to school (3 to 4 years from now??). This way we can hopefully avoid any social stigmas that might arise or any embarrassment or ridicule she might face by her peers.

just to update in case anyone is curious. Today marked a pretty big day for me.

My daughter's mom has now moved into her own place along with my daughter.  We spent most of the day just getting her settled into her new home, as this is a big step. Everything went very well, and my daughter loves her new home.

All in all the my ex has been fairly supportive, but it's especially important that we stay friends and allies for the sake of our child. As I continue my transition, I dont want it neglect the relationship with my daughter.Its bad enough that I feel a significant amount of guilt for splitting up the family. I worry that if the relationship with my child suffers I will feel even worse!

Thank you for the update Michelle.  Please keep us updated, I am interested in hearing your story.

Quote from: michelle82 on November 29, 2014, 11:38:04 PM
just to update in case anyone is curious. Today marked a pretty big day for me.

My daughter's mom has now moved into her own place along with my daughter.  We spent most of the day just getting her settled into her new home, as this is a big step. Everything went very well, and my daughter loves her new home.

All in all the my ex has been fairly supportive, but it's especially important that we stay friends and allies for the sake of our child. As I continue my transition, I dont want it neglect the relationship with my daughter.Its bad enough that I feel a significant amount of guilt for splitting up the family. I worry that if the relationship with my child suffers I will feel even worse!

That is great to hear. I'm glad it's been smooth so far. I hope I can reach a similar outcome with my own little family  :(

I never told my kids anything, and I have 5 kids (boy, boy, girl, boy, girl). My attire, mannerisms, etc., were always androgynous.

One day when my youngest girl was 13, she asked me: "since what age you knew you were a girl?" I answered: "pretty much since I can remember."
Oh! she said.... after a pause I asked her: "When did you learned about it?" She smiled and said: "Oh, I always knew your where a she-dad!"

I got curious, so one day when we all of us were having supper, I asked my oldest: "when did you knew I was a trans woman?" He said: [Well, I seen you wearing ladies undies all your life, so, one day I asked Mom why? She said: "well, because he is has always been confused about his gender," so I figure you were a transgender person].

The point of telling my story is that kids are pretty intuitive and have ways of figuring things out...

My advice is to love them, be yourself, reassure them that you will always will be their father, and provided them with direct answers ,short and appropriate to their age,  to their questions...

Good luck !

Just a quick update.. my 3 year old last night said that she wouldn't give me a hug because hugs are for girls. Then I said that daddy is actually really a girl but I was born a boy. She seemed to become very defensive about this is started yelling at me telling me "no you are a boy!! And "i dont want you to be a girl" This went on for a few minutes and it was very difficult for me to hear. It made me want to just run away to be honest. I realize little kids can't really understand something like Transgender when they are just learning the idea of boy and girl. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. There doesn't seem to be anything I can really say to make her understand.

Her mom is supportive of me thankfully, and suggested that I just don't say anything anymore to her because it obviously rattles her a bit. Just be myself and not  talk about it. She sees me when I'm dressed female and have makeup on etc, and it doesn't seem to bother her at all. So  I might take her mom's advice and just not talk about anything unless she asks me questions.

I just don't like having to reaffirm to her that I'm a boy because it not only does it kill me to say it, it reinforces to my daughter that I'm still a boy, which is not true!!!

Help!!!

Quote from: michelle82 on March 13, 2015, 06:55:08 AM
Just a quick update.. my 3 year old last night said that she wouldn't give me a hug because hugs are for girls. Then I said that daddy is actually really a girl but I was born a boy. She seemed to become very defensive about this is started yelling at me telling me "no you are a boy!! And "i dont want you to be a girl" This went on for a few minutes and it was very difficult for me to hear. It made me want to just run away to be honest. I realize little kids can't really understand something like Transgender when they are just learning the idea of boy and girl. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. There doesn't seem to be anything I can really say to make her understand.

I am thankful that I never had it that hard. On advice of my therapist I explained the whole trans thing to my 4 year old triplets, using the word "transgender" and they are OK with it. In fact I have to tell one of my daughters to be quiet because when we are out shopping she will say something out loud like, "daddy you want to be a girl right?" And she would smile from ear to ear.

The most opposition I've gotten was,"Daddy why are you wearing a DRESS? Dresses are for GIRLS." Then I explained the whole trans thing and she said,"OK daddy I always love you." The rest of them really don't say anything about my gender presentation.

I'm honestly at a loss as to how to proceed in your situation. I guess give her some time and take baby steps with her.

Quote from: ImagineKate on March 18, 2015, 09:46:12 PM
I am thankful that I never had it that hard. On advice of my therapist I explained the whole trans thing to my 4 year old triplets, using the word "transgender" and they are OK with it. In fact I have to tell one of my daughters to be quiet because when we are out shopping she will say something out loud like, "daddy you want to be a girl right?" And she would smile from ear to ear.

The most opposition I've gotten was,"Daddy why are you wearing a DRESS? Dresses are for GIRLS." Then I explained the whole trans thing and she said,"OK daddy I always love you." The rest of them really don't say anything about my gender presentation.

I'm honestly at a loss as to how to proceed in your situation. I guess give her some time and take baby steps with her.

thanks Kate, i know you and I are one of the few folks on the board with young children so i always like hearing from you and your experiences. I think I might try using the words transgender next time like you said. She doesn't have any issues with the way i look or dress right now. Its just if i tell her I'm a girl, she doesn't want to hear it. But yeah i think I'm going to just stay quiet for now and not really talk about anything unless she asks me something. Hopefully as I continue to feminize she will realize things better. There might be some fear that Ill be gone if i turn into a girl. She recently had a lot of change in her life within the last 6 months. (She moved into a new house with her mom, and I don't live with her anymore). So there may be a bit of anxiety in her, even at her age. She obviously understands the difference between boys and girls now, and she knows that dads are boys, and moms are girls. So its like I'm throwing a wrench in her understanding of it all. Plus I'm sure other family members and her daycare school are also reinforcing the binary gender roles. Her mom (my ex) is being pretty open minded and not forcing down any strict binary gender stuff, so I'm appreciative of that.  But you are right, its just baby steps I suppose.

Hopefully our experiences can help educate others in similar situations. Even though it upsets me in my current situation, Its good that we are capturing different ends of the spectrum when it comes to children and their acceptance for us.

This thread surfaces up just in time! :)
I have 3.8 y.o. daughter and she is spending weekends with me. We have come to an agreement that she calls me Emy in public places, but in private she still calls me the way she likes, "daddy" included. And yes, she does slip from time to time and she has a tendency to suddenly start speaking about her mother in the most inappropriate time (gotta love the kids :) ). One of the issues, which has come up so far, is that when people are seeing both of us together, they assume that I am her mother, and treat and address me accordingly (like, 'Here little one, give this change to mommy" etc etc. I have also received congratulations on Mother's day, which felt... awkward and not really deserved).
Still, kiddo is too small to pick these up and make her own corrections like: "No, this is not my mom, this is my dad!" (but, knowing her, the time will come). I recently spoke to her about boys and girls (I have no idea, but she has picked up a lot of gender stuff, like "boys can play with cars, but girls can play whatever they like, plus use a lipstick. And pink stuff is for girls exclusively." - btw, I used to have fears if she might have some transgender issues due to genetics and whatnot, but she seems to very very girly). 
So, I wanted to make sure if she understands the differences - and she does. She genders people with almost no mistakes but until recently she refused to gender me and her mom. Mom was simple (her name) and I was Emi. Now, apparently they had some lessons in kindergarten, because last week she told me that she was wrong - mom is a girl. "And what about me?" I asked. "Well, You are a boy then..." (not much choice, huh?). I spoke to her that I am still Emi and things are a bit more complicated - lets agree that I am neither a boy or a girl for a while, and she accepted that. I dont want to make strong statements for which she might be later corrected in kindergarten (because teachers there dont know and it is not really their business :D).

Maybe living with her mom is what's kind of driving her resistance to your transition and true self. Your ex is open minded but you are right, your daughter is under a lot of stress right now.

I did notice once my kids went to school that their knowledge of binary gender roles became more reinforced. Their peers plus (believe it or not) their teachers are probably responsible.

Take it slow and ease her into it. She is young. She will come around one day most likely.
Michelle, lots of hugs for you girl. If you ever want to talk about parenting etc I'm always open.

Quote from: iKate on March 19, 2015, 07:28:06 AM
Maybe living with her mom is what's kind of driving her resistance to your transition and true self. Your ex is open minded but you are right, your daughter is under a lot of stress right now.

I did notice once my kids went to school that their knowledge of binary gender roles became more reinforced. Their peers plus (believe it or not) their teachers are probably responsible.

Take it slow and ease her into it. She is young. She will come around one day most likely.
Michelle, lots of hugs for you girl. If you ever want to talk about parenting etc I'm always open.

Since my last post, things have definitely changed for the good. With patience and some support, my daughter is being much more accepting of things, there haven't been any other negative responses to report. She is even using female pronouns when referring to me. Luckily there was  only one or two negative response, so it was sort of an isolated incident.But as you said its just allowing time for things to settle in.

i'm also now more out at her daycare which i have to visit 3 times a week to pick up my daughter. They see me in female presentation now. I haven't had any issues yet, other than occasional stares from other parents.

All in all I'm being more comfortable with myself, which makes parenting much more easier especially out in public. Going into my transition, i had the dreadful fear of transitioning as a parent, and the types of negative crap i might receive from society. most of it is in my head of course. There may come a time where i might have to deal with some idiots, but until then, I'm trying to not worry about it.

Just read this thread and I really enjoyed it all.  Best of luck to all of you as you and your families learn to adjust to having two mommies.  :)

My situation is a little different.  My wife is pregnant with our first child, due in September!  I don't know how quickly I'll be moving in the future with my transition, but I suspect things will go pretty smoothly with the young one since she'll very nearly have two mommies right from the beginning.  I hope at least...

Though, I'm still kinda stuck on how to feel about it.  I mean, I'm supposed to be a woman, yes.  BUT, I'm still this child's biological father.  Do I still get Father's Day and she gets Mother's Day, do we both share each, do we both celebrate Mother's Day and skip Father's Day?  I'm proud to be this baby's PARENT, but I don't feel it's my place to call myself a mommy or expect my wife to acknowledge me as such.  Maybe that will change.

Do any of you have experiences to share on how you dealt with the switch from daddy to mommy?

Quote from: michelle82 on May 12, 2015, 06:40:49 AM
Since my last post, things have definitely changed for the good. With patience and some support, my daughter is being much more accepting of things, there haven't been any other negative responses to report. She is even using female pronouns when referring to me. Luckily there was  only one or two negative response, so it was sort of an isolated incident.But as you said its just allowing time for things to settle in.

i'm also now more out at her daycare which i have to visit 3 times a week to pick up my daughter. They see me in female presentation now. I haven't had any issues yet, other than occasional stares from other parents.

All in all I'm being more comfortable with myself, which makes parenting much more easier especially out in public. Going into my transition, i had the dreadful fear of transitioning as a parent, and the types of negative crap i might receive from society. most of it is in my head of course. There may come a time where i might have to deal with some idiots, but until then, I'm trying to not worry about it.

I think that is awesome!

I need to work on the pronouns with my kids but I have other things to deal with at the moment.

While having dinner at home, my little daughter at age 10 said that she argued with her classmate regarding my gender. Her mate insisted that I am a woman based on my profile photo of a smartphone messenger application, and my daughter replied that that person is my dad. My daughter also said to me that the dad of her mate is actually a colleague at my university, and asked whether I know him. I said yes.

Kids and young college students are far more flexible and accepting than aged adults regarding gender expression. My little daughter sometimes playfully calls me as a pronoun denoting an elder sister in my language. She is very curious, and touching and trying every makeup items I have. She also likes my clothes and tries wearing them at home.

As long as she knows I love her, no serious problem. She knows very well that I am very, very unusual dad in our society.

barbie~~

Quote from: Tristan on May 13, 2015, 08:29:47 AM
Just read this thread and I really enjoyed it all.  Best of luck to all of you as you and your families learn to adjust to having two mommies.  :)

My situation is a little different.  My wife is pregnant with our first child, due in September!  I don't know how quickly I'll be moving in the future with my transition, but I suspect things will go pretty smoothly with the young one since she'll very nearly have two mommies right from the beginning.  I hope at least...

Though, I'm still kinda stuck on how to feel about it.  I mean, I'm supposed to be a woman, yes.  BUT, I'm still this child's biological father.  Do I still get Father's Day and she gets Mother's Day, do we both share each, do we both celebrate Mother's Day and skip Father's Day?  I'm proud to be this baby's PARENT, but I don't feel it's my place to call myself a mommy or expect my wife to acknowledge me as such.  Maybe that will change.

Do any of you have experiences to share on how you dealt with the switch from daddy to mommy?

Hi Tristan

For me my daughter still refers to me as daddy. Whiles it's sort of a trigger for me and a constant reminder of my birth gender, I sort of just deal with it for now. It seems to work for us and I'm fine with it for now.

It's especially uncomfortable when out in public but I don't think I'm very passable right now so it's not like it's blowing my cover to begin with.

When she gets older and can have a better understanding of what it means that I'm a trans-woman, I might suggest her using a different name to call me when out in public. Right now it would be too confusing for her to understand.

congrats on your newborn though! Be prepared to lose lots of sleep. The first month is crazy!!

Quote from: barbie on May 13, 2015, 12:39:36 PM
While having dinner at home, my little daughter at age 10 said that she argued with her classmate regarding my gender. Her mate insisted that I am a woman based on my profile photo of a smartphone messenger application, and my daughter replied that that person is my dad. My daughter also said to me that the dad of her mate is actually a colleague at my university, and asked whether I know him. I said yes.

Kids and young college students are far more flexible and accepting than aged adults regarding gender expression. My little daughter sometimes playfully calls me as a pronoun denoting an elder sister in my language. She is very curious, and touching and trying every makeup items I have. She also likes my clothes and tries wearing them at home.

As long as she knows I love her, no serious problem. She knows very well that I am very, very unusual dad in our society.

barbie~~

Thanks for sharing barbie. I  happy for you that your daughter is accepting!

Quote from: michelle82 on October 10, 2014, 11:35:58 AM
Hi all

New member of the site. I'm 32 years old and a mtf transwoman. I've recently come to terms with my identity and ready to start making steps in transitioning. I've been in therapy for about a month now, and plan on attending some of my local trans support groups coming up.

One thing I haven't really been able to do is get others perspective on having young children and transitioning, and what things i should consider in both the short term, as well as the long-term. I currently have a 2.5 year old daughter and not only am I not sure how to proceed in the short-term, I have worries on what types of long-term effects it could have on her social development and experiences as she gets older. She is able to communicate and is now old enough to understand the difference between males and females, and she understands that her Daddy and other people's daddy's are males.

Is there anyone on the forum who has already transitioned with young children and been through the whole process? or even someone in the middle of the process?

1. What is the best way to come out to a 2 year old. I'm not sure they really understand something as deep as this, at this age.
2. Did you have your child still call you Daddy/Dad, etc, or did you have them switch to Mommy?
3. For the folks that have gone through it with young children where your kids are now older, what was the overall experience/process like?

Unfortunately my therapist has no experience with transgender patients who had having children. So i appreciate any feedback and insights you guys might have.

hi there I've been full time for 5 months now I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old my eldest daughter and many kids this young are very adaptable to the change that is coming for you.
she knows male from female I ask her is her mummy girl or boy she says girl then I ask am I boy or girl she says boy [emoji30] and my partner and I will say now I'm a girl. I would have no problem if she at this age still called me dad cause I wouldn't steel this from her but luckily for me she would rather call me summer.
For my status which is married I didn't want to take on the mommy title as my partner is the mom and I wouldn't want to make her feel insignificant only wen my partner was ready to share the mommy title I would . . We have told her that she has two mummy's she has a mum and a mumsy. So at the moment we don't want to confuse her with anymore info as she gets older we will explain more .
Hope this helps a bit I'm only months into this situation myself but my little girl loves every minute of having two mummy's.
my partner been Japanese dosent do make up but me I love makeup so me and the little one get to share this together which for me is so special


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Summer on May 14, 2015, 07:09:44 AM


hi there I've been full time for 5 months now I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old my eldest daughter and many kids this young are very adaptable to the change that is coming for you.
she knows male from female I ask her is her mummy girl or boy she says girl then I ask am I boy or girl she says boy [emoji30] and my partner and I will say now I'm a girl. I would have no problem if she at this age still called me dad cause I wouldn't steel this from her but luckily for me she would rather call me summer.
For my status which is married I didn't want to take on the mommy title as my partner is the mom and I wouldn't want to make her feel insignificant only wen my partner was ready to share the mommy title I would . . We have told her that she has two mummy's she has a mum and a mumsy. So at the moment we don't want to confuse her with anymore info as she gets older we will explain more .
Hope this helps a bit I'm only months into this situation myself but my little girl loves every minute of having two mummy's.
my partner been Japanese dosent do make up but me I love makeup so me and the little one get to share this together which for me is so special


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Summer

thanks for sharing, this sounds very similar to how my daughter is. But i think she is slowly getting used to the idea, But i do agree its nice that children are a bit more adaptable at a young age.Im happy that i get to educate her to be a more accepting and open minded individual as she grows up. She will hopefully have a greater understanding for what it means to be different, and love people no matter who they are.

I know I'm being a broken record and it's different with different kids and parents, but all the important factors with my child had to do with other adults. My kid was almost always as accepting of or concerned about my gender identity as nearby grownups were.

Ftm, one child, aged seven, I am the birth parent.

She was not very queer when she was younger, but she accepted when I at four told her I changed my name (to a gender neutral one), and that I would no longer be called -my languages version of mom-. I introduced my name through a playful way, telling stories about her and me in third person, to make the name as familiar as possible quickly. She had no problems with that. I met my partner when she was five, and my daughter proposed quickly that my partner could be her parent, if she wanted to. My partner accepted. Then she had to AFAB parents, one identifying as a man, one as woman, both using names and not mom/dad.

Next thing is a second name change (we moved to a country where my masculine sounding name suddenly was very femme, what luck). She is almost six, and completely queer. She starts using it immediately, plus changes her own name. Her new name is actually a pretty good choice, but the spelling is creative. Haha. Everybody uses her preferred new name for everything. So maybe allow for nicknames? Name everything in the house, dolls and plants.

At six and some months I tell her I am going to start taking moustache medicine. She is excited for me and supportive. Now she is seven and a half. She identifies as both boy and girl and is fine with any pronoun. She is read as boy or girl depending on clothing, that she chooses herself.

As for me, I am read as her big brother. People think I am fifteen. They never read me as the mom or anything like that. Actually people often think my wife (who is beautiful and young- she is 25) is both our daughters and my mother!

Our child is home schooled, so we can avoid Christian conservative people from her environment. But she has had friends asking her : who is your dad? and when she answered that I was her dad, the other child would act confused  ( it had obviously been a topic in her friends house).

But it feels soo good not to be a mom anymore! To all trans women who are doubting whether or not you are a mother: if you are judged by any of the standards of a woman, and you are a parent, you are a mother! Those standards are so different than for men, how you must be caring enough and cautious enough and pretty enough and all of that. If anyone sees a guy put on a band-aid on a kid, he is a great dad, if a woman does it, she should have washed the wound first and put neosporin on or whatever. So please, take mothers day, birthgiving is not a big thing.

I would change the environment if gets to hostile. Change the school, or home school or move. And expect the kid to benefit from your decision. You are not depressed/at least not suicidal anymore, you are a parent and you will stick around!

Hi Spåmann, welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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