Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My son, Terry, has told us he is transgender last week. He is hoping to get a hormone prescription on Monday. He is 20 and has had one session with a transgender counselor.  Terry has been thinking and researching on the topic for 5 months. He had never thought about it before then. Terry, his father and I can't think of any gender issues he had growing up. Terry says he wishes there was something growing up that would indicate he was transgender but he can't think of anything either overcompensating or feminine except his friends teased him for not being as strong as they were and wanting to wear a towel like a woman not a man. He has chosen low key, geeky male dominated pursuits like dungeons and dragons and violent video games. We have given our kids whatever gifts they asked for regardless of whether they stereotypically matched their gender, but Terry has always wanted video games and science (bugs, dinosaurs) type gifts.

Terry got depressed around age 16 or 17 and took the depression quiz a few times but it didn't indicate depression until he was 19, but I believe he was depressed before that and has had significant sleep issues since age 17.  He went away to college, thought he was too smart to need to study or attend class, had his first love affair, was dumped and ended up on academic probation.  He has not dealt with any of that. He says he has tried to feel but can't. He practically glowed when talking about the girlfriend to me; I was surprised because there wasn't any sadness about it being over, just a happy glow. 

He has always wanted to be like his father, He uses the word "perfect" to describe his father. His father is very good at hiding his mistakes and has a number of asperger's traits (it runs in the family) like an incredible memory, acute perfectionism and difficulty with emotions.  Terry says he does not respect me because I am not perfect.

Terry is currently working part-time, and is not taking any medications. He went to a counselor (general, not transgender) for a few months but I doubt he opened up. He says that ->-bleeped-<- is the only thing that has made him feel happy for years and wants to start taking hormones as soon as possible.

What are your thoughts? What is the best way for me to support him?

Your off to a good start by looking for ways to support your child. But what I might suggest is to research as much as you can and to be there for your child. Time will come when it might be wise to go to the therapist with your child at least once to work with your child.

Also there are trans people out there that never had an inkling that they were trans until later in life.

It sounds like you really want to support your child. That's great and you have a good start.

This is an evolving process and it may become more clear as things progress. Not everyone knows at a young age that they are transgender. The best advice is to be open, not rush things and understand that there are many steps and transitions along the way. There is no one single answer.

I am hurt for you that he told you, his Mother, he does not respect you for not being perfect.  I hope both of you can find a counselor to discuss his feelings about himself, you and go from there. Hormones in themselves have strong cognitive influence If anyone finds this puzzling, go visit a middle school and you'll find yourself swimming in youth full of raging hormones. hah Is nature right ? Is this nature or trendy to pull transgender as a self diagnosis ? Only each individual can answer this after slow and careful participation with counselor, talk to doctors, perhaps find a place like Susans to share experiences? - -best wishes Mom, he might not know it but he has a fabulous Mother!

At 20 your child is now an adult.  Learning and seeking to understand them will strengthen your relationship.  Their identity is not the result of the games they played or of your parenting.  They are unlikely to be seeking to be trendy.  This is serious stuff and a therapist does not casually suggest or recommend cross sex hormones. These feelings are innate, they are in part caused by brain physiology.  Many trans folk  spend many years seeking to become better males or females but eventually realise that this will not work and this is not who they are eg many who identify as female joined the military, sought out physical and dangerous activities in the vain hope that they could learn to be 'better' men before realising that this did not work.

Starting hrt after one session with a gender therapist suggests that they have been trying to deal with these issues for quite some time.  Being available and being supportive will strengthen your relationship.  At some point you may wish to ask them their preferred pronoun as they may well be binary.  This is a difficult time for them and if your 'son' identifies as a girl then this should be respected and acknowledged.  It may also be useful for you to see a therapist.

Safe travels

Aisla

It is great that you support Terry, but I hear from your words a concern that he will have difficulty following through. Whilst there are many nice aspects to transitioning and being on the right hormones for the mentality, it takes a lot of energy. Over a lifetime.

Terry really needs to have a good gender therapist who he can respect who can help him work through all the issues of releasing her inner self. If she can follow through on that, then she can build a future life. And she needs to understand that hormones are not a magic pill, and surgery is not a magic wand.

Is there a local transgender network which could be accessed? Or at college? Someone to perhaps mentor and provide deeper insights rather than the glossy appeal?

Quote from: oryx on October 11, 2014, 10:42:59 AM
My son, Terry, has told us he is transgender last week. He is hoping to get a hormone prescription on Monday. He is 20 and has had one session with a transgender counselor.  Terry has been thinking and researching on the topic for 5 months. He had never thought about it before then. Terry, his father and I can't think of any gender issues he had growing up. Terry says he wishes there was something growing up that would indicate he was transgender but he can't think of anything either overcompensating or feminine except his friends teased him for not being as strong as they were and wanting to wear a towel like a woman not a man. He has chosen low key, geeky male dominated pursuits like dungeons and dragons and violent video games. We have given our kids whatever gifts they asked for regardless of whether they stereotypically matched their gender, but Terry has always wanted video games and science (bugs, dinosaurs) type gifts.

Terry got depressed around age 16 or 17 and took the depression quiz a few times but it didn't indicate depression until he was 19, but I believe he was depressed before that and has had significant sleep issues since age 17.  He went away to college, thought he was too smart to need to study or attend class, had his first love affair, was dumped and ended up on academic probation.  He has not dealt with any of that. He says he has tried to feel but can't. He practically glowed when talking about the girlfriend to me; I was surprised because there wasn't any sadness about it being over, just a happy glow. 

He has always wanted to be like his father, He uses the word "perfect" to describe his father. His father is very good at hiding his mistakes and has a number of asperger's traits (it runs in the family) like an incredible memory, acute perfectionism and difficulty with emotions.  Terry says he does not respect me because I am not perfect.

Terry is currently working part-time, and is not taking any medications. He went to a counselor (general, not transgender) for a few months but I doubt he opened up. He says that ->-bleeped-<- is the only thing that has made him feel happy for years and wants to start taking hormones as soon as possible.

What are your thoughts? What is the best way for me to support him?

Dear Ms. Oryx,

I would like to share a few points that I hope can bring some light to you situation, and they are:

First, you child should not disrespect you no matter what, specially since it seems you are a good mother. One can always make some allowances for the teen angers and young adults that have not learn some social graces, and are sometimes blunt and harsh in their words without purposely trying to be mean ... so do not take it to hard...

Second, I suspect your soon may prefer the pronouns she/her/hers rather than he/him/his, and probably would prefer to be referred as a daughter rather than a son... perhaps you could breach the topic with your child

Third, modern medical research seems to indicate the Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID) is caused by a biological mishap during fetal development. So the upbringing and other social experiences have little or none effect on its manifestations. Some of us, affected by GID, manifest  our dysphoria (unhappiness) with our assigned gender early in life (4 YO), other during the teenage years, and other at various times during adulthood. I for one stated to my Mom that I was a girl and not a boy when I was 4 YO

Fourth, like your child, I too developed and master several very male dominated sports (martial arts, motorcycle racing, etc), and ended up in a profession that is mostly a male occupation (sciences and engineering), however, that did not meant that I had any doubts about my innate gender identity... that brings me to a important point, and that is that of the difference between the "innate gender identity" and those roles, activities, and/or characteristics that society ascribes them as "feminine" or "masculine." The main difference is that we can choose our "gender roles or activities" but we cannot choose our "gender identity."

Fifth, in regard to the girlfriend... many of us are trans-woman who prefer other women as our sexual partners, while others do prefer man, and yet another are bisexual... perhaps this is another point to be brought up with your child...

Finally, let me share a quote that is commonly heard around the families of transgender children... I would rather have a doughtier/son that a death child... the suicide rate among transgender people is the highness among all the mental conditions....

I hope this points could push into the path of supporting your child even if you do not understand it

OO

Peky

@peky, for a moment I thought you were her child by the way you started that message :P.

Anyhow! You hear it often. I found out I do really want to be a woman, lets start with hormones as soon as possible! It is partly understandable because hormones do a lot, but from my opinion you shouldn't start with hormones so quickly. But I suggest not to tell him to wait because that might will just push him away. He set his mind and chances are he goes for that like it is his mission.

Maybe it is an idea to suggest him to go on this website to talk about his concerns? And to try to get him to keep you posted about his feelings. Although I believe it is not a very nice thing to hear what he said about you. Then again, no one is perfect. He just yet has to figure out his father is not perfect either, but that is my thought on that.

I think he somehow should be brought to mind to first let this sink in, talk to a therapist a few times and if he really wants this, to not jump into it. Like said before it takes a lot of energy and the more you push it, the more it drains you.