Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Well hay there "KiraD" (the name's Sarah btw you f**king moron!)

So earlier tonight, you asked me to rite a message after you got back and you were drunk and I was totally out of my cage.  Haha omg Im actually having to think about what to rite here - I don;t want these lovely people to be too confused... I guess I coulda just sent a PM to you but you said to post this in public... no f**king clue why, I guess you;ve always been a bit narcesistic n stuff.. but watever..

So yeh, this is me.. or I guess you, but you srtill have some weird illusion that your like, maybe a man and stuff..  haha what a joke.  Liek you culd ever be a man.  But you already no that anyway, and that's not even an insult to you anymore.  Thanks for finally letting me ut.  No really I actually mean it.  Being cooped up in there for so long trying to pretend to be some stupid thing.. i mean you've got an IQ of 135 ffs, you shuda nown I was here long before now.  Why did you hide me for so long?  why did you pretend I wasnt even here?  why why why??????

you think you have questions?  What about me?  Dont you think there's so many things I want to ask you too?  We couldve had so much more fun over the years, but you just canged be up like i wasnt even ther!  aaaaaggghhh!  your friends are so awesome though so good chice there at least.. maybe you do listend to me after all.. at least on some level.  dont let dave and helen go whatever the f**k you do because theyre frikin great.

oh and to answer your original question dumbass?  yeh, you're a fikin girl.  I mean seriously haow  the hell do you even not no that for sure?  how do you even still have question?  youve said yourcef the evidence is all there, its in blak and wite.mhow do you even stil hav doubtss?!?  Every fem char youve played, that time when you were with bains and batch an you all just girled it up and you clearly enjoyed it *WAAAAAAYYYY* more than they did?  that thing you did with the whole "imagining the world with the gender roles reversed" thing?  You blatent admirations of becky, helen, emma, amy, the other amy (omg shes so damn cute!), cassie, holly, whats-her-name at work..? oh and that whole... oh what's that?  you want me to shut up now??  hehe, yeh maybe that is a lil too personal.  But hay, yu let me out here - youre too intocicated to stop me saying it if i really wanted to! ;)

Anyway I'm getting kinda sleepy now, so maybe I'll just leave this here.  need a smoke too damnit..  and sorry to all of your lovely peeps on this forum wondering wtf this is about - he/she/they/it/etc told me to put this out in public instead of just keeping it between us for some reason..  dunno wtf why..  I guess they still need validation and stuff or soething.  I guess aybe now they'll see this isnt sum stupid "delusion" or "mistake".  Sriously "kira", get this sorted else were both gunna die/  You know that, rite.?  were aint gunna live throught his if we try and keep it down.  weve gotta sync, and be us.  you no this, plese dunt f**k this up.  the others will get it, i know then well enough, so dont worry about that.  even mum and dad well come around eventually, assuming theyre even weird about it in the first place.

anyway gunna leave it here hun, because the alcohol isweraring off and I can feel you retaking contol.  oh one last thing - helen was really frikin flirty with you tonight - watch out for that I sense a little trouble there.  call it "female intuition" if you catch my drift?

anyway go get some sleep dumbass, its been a tough couple of weeks and we both need the rest.  this has been actually cinda fun, so talk soon yeh? ;) ♥︎ (oh haha look, you put the love heart as a favorite in the special chars menu.  maybe this is gunna work out afterall! :laugh: )

P.S., yeh btw in case you dont remember in the morning - you proper strutted on the way back tonight ;) ♥︎

LMAO!

Sis, make sure you drink lots of water in the morning. It'll cure your hangover.

SARAH! I feel like I only ever come to post to Susan's after a few (or a few more than a few) drinks, so like, love this post. Get it all out, get it all down, and give your sober self a good talking to!

Seconding the water suggestion.

LOL, this is totally something I would have done a couple years ago.  I hope your morning isn't too painful.

i hope you'll start listening to yourself when you're sober too, sarah.
having a good talk with yourself is so much better than having to rely on drunk letters.

OMG, you rock.!
I used to try and write this way sometimes,
But never could capture the very essence of my thoughts like you have so well.
Great letter.

Drunk KiraD, what an awesome post.  I think your sober self will appreciate it once the headache has subsided.  It's the kind of honest kick up the backside many of us often need to push ourselves forward.  I do hope we hear more from drunk KiraD in the future. :)

Quote from: skin on October 11, 2014, 11:41:02 PM
LOL, this is totally something I would have done a couple years ago.  I hope your morning isn't too painful.

Lmao!  Well it just got a whole lot more painful now I've seen this!  *dies of embarrassment* #FirstWorldProblems :laugh:

Ooookay, so maybe a little explanation is in order huh? :P

So last night my friends (the ones I'll be moving in with in December that I've mentioned here before) had a "House Cooling Party" (opposite of a House Warming Party) for their current place.  Kind of a "last hurrah" for the place before they move out (plus hay - it's an excuse for a party, right? :P ).

Earlier in the day, I got hit with a rather bad round of doubts about transition and was feeling pretty low.  One notion in particular kept hitting me - how do I know that I really do "feel / act etc like a girl"?  I mean, I can see and feel it when I'm thinking about it, but how do I know I'm not just feeling that way because I'm thinking about it?  And before anyone says it, yes: I have just basically brought Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principal (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncertainty_principle) to the transition table! (the act of observation itself can affect the results).

But then I had what I thought was actually a pretty smart idea.  Knowing I was going out to what promised (and indeed - turned out to be ;) ) a pretty big party and that I'd no doubt end up getting pretty intoxicated, I figured what better way to expose my true feelings than to just let loose and write it all down while I'm out of control?  Alcohol is notorious for stripping away inhibitions, and I think that makes your drunk behaviour / thoughts etc your "true" (or close to true) behaviour / thoughts.  So I resolved to come on here and let it all hang out once I got back from the party (which, by the way, was fantastic! :D ).  I decided to dress up in a subtly feminised version of my rock gear so I could get away with wearing makeup (they've seen me do it before so it's not weird for them, although I don't dress like that very often these days), the idea being to serve as a reminder for myself when I got in.  Obviously, it seems I managed to do it, although I honestly don't remember typing any of it (I have a vague memory of sitting here typing *stuff* but I honestly have no memory of what I wrote lol :P ), so I'd call that a successful experiment, wouldn't you? :D

So what am I looking at here?  Well first of all, I've gotta say I *LOVE* how so obviously drunk I am in that message - I can practically hear myself slurring the words as I read it lmao! :laugh:

Secondly, I seriously didn't realise just how p****d off at myself I was :(  That was definitely something I wasn't expecting, but at least I know now so I can do something about that :)

Thirdly, drunk me is right - I know the answer already, I don't know why I keep having doubts...  well I guess I do - all my doubts are centred around the basic idea of "what will everyone think of me?" and other similar notions.  If I take those away then, apart from the uncertainty principal one I mentioned above, I don't have any other doubts.  That one doubt has been pretty much blown out of the water with this experiment, so my only reason to not do this is now because of what others might think of me, or say to me, or do to me.  I can't say I fully accept that as a valid reason to not do something that I need to do.  It's only a valid reason if what you're doing is actually going to negatively affect others, but I don't see transition as being something that does that (sure it causes a kind of "grief", but most of that is more down to prejudice and mis-information about trans* folk, so really that's Society's™ fault imho).  Anyway, this experiment answers the main question I believe - "Am I a girl?"  Yup hunni, you sure as hell are! :D

Fourthly (is that a word..?  ???) - Hmm, seems drunk me also answered the quandary I was having over my female name too!  I've been going back and forth between Kira and Sarah for the past year.  I think Kira is the slightly cooler name (thus the forum name), but I do feel a slightly stronger affinity with Sarah, perhaps in part because it was what my parents were going to call me (mum absolutely *KNEW* I was going to be a girl) before the doctor finally insisted (for the good of mum's health lol) in telling them I was going to be a MAAB.  So in a way Sarah is kinda my birth name lol.  When I looked in the mirror just now, I can definitely see a "Sarah" staring back at me from behind a male mask, so I think she's right there :) It makes sense that would've sunk deeper into my identity...  still, I can't help feeling a little disappointed because Kira is such a lovely and modern name :)  Hmm.. maybe I could make that my middle name (never had a middle name before lol)?  "Sarah Kira D***".. does that work on any level?  I suspect not lol, but still worth thinking about :)

Fifthly (that really can't be a word..!  :o) - Drunk me is clearly very fond of her friends.  Sober me is too, so I'm happy that both me's agree on that! :laugh:

Sixthly (oh come on now, seriously??) - Aww, I don't recall the strutting part.. :(  clearly I enjoyed it though lmao! :D

Anyway, sorry this may have been a bit confusing for all of you lol :P  Thanks for all being understanding and hopefully things are a bit clearer now lol :P (they certainly are for me! ;) ), and obviously if any of you have any thoughts on any of this and/or can offer a different perspective then I'm all ears :) ♥︎*Hugs*♥︎

Quote from: captains on October 11, 2014, 11:06:15 PM
SARAH! I feel like I only ever come to post to Susan's after a few (or a few more than a few) drinks, so like, love this post. Get it all out, get it all down, and give your sober self a good talking to!

Seconding the water suggestion.

Quote from: Pikachu on October 11, 2014, 10:12:40 PM
LMAO!

Sis, make sure you drink lots of water in the morning. It'll cure your hangover.

Haha, don't worry I am!  Thanks for the thoughts though! :D ♥︎*Hugs*♥︎ :D

Sarah, I am glad you resolved or came to conclusion on some issues, hugs.

I use to get numb and do things I would not do sober and clean. For me I became addicted. I had an excuse to be me because I was not sober and clean. I did things that were very risky and it was a habit. I know this is not what you were doing but it sounded familiar to me.

Please review this with your therapist and I hope you resolve the inner turmoil.   

Kira, ok, I like that name better than Sarah, tho you can use them both, as first and middle name.  I would!

Secondly (um, you got me doing it now!), I bumped your Rep, because, I think, quite a lot of us, could easily have been the ones to write that to ourselves.  I could have... waaay too many times.  I have been that totaled, too many times, and fought that same battle inside, also, waaay too many times as well.  Using your humor, even in that way, to come to grips with who you are (battle of the names aside), made me tear up, remembering what I  have been hiding for over 50years myself.

Thirdly.. (ok, that one was just for fun!) the sooner you really, and I mean, really just decide to accept who you are, the less crazy scared you will become, the gentler your mind will be, and the less stress and turmoil you will feel.

Lastly..  (hey, see what I did there??)...  if you think you're going to get blotto again, drink a lot of water prior..  keeps you hydrated, fends off the headache after.

A long gentle hug for you, sis.  I think, you'll be amazed, how strong you are to get thru this.  You've got us here, to help..

Paula

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on October 12, 2014, 09:11:06 AM
Sarah, I am glad you resolved or came to conclusion on some issues, hugs.

I use to get numb and do things I would not do sober and clean. For me I became addicted. I had an excuse to be me because I was not sober and clean. I did things that were very risky and it was a habit. I know this is not what you were doing but it sounded familiar to me.

Please review this with your therapist and I hope you resolve the inner turmoil.

♥︎*Hugs Affectionately*♥︎

Aww hun, I'm sorry to hear you went through that :( ♥︎ you talk in past tense - is everything ok now?

Don't worry about me though - I've never been a big one for alcohol.  I can honestly take it or leave it.  My folks still have beers in the fridge from last Christmas lol, that's just the kinda family we are.  Not bothered by the stuff, but not against it either.  I only drink like this on rare occasions (last time was about 7 weeks ago :) ).  Of course the feeling of being myself is definitely great feeling, but alcohol is obviously only temporary.  The permanent way to get this feeling is to change my physical self and transition socially too.  I can have this feeling every day from dawn to dusk if I do that.  That idea fills me with a great feeling all of its own! :D

Quote from: Paula Christine on October 12, 2014, 09:34:42 AM
Kira, ok, I like that name better than Sarah, tho you can use them both, as first and middle name.  I would!

Secondly (um, you got me doing it now!), I bumped your Rep, because, I think, quite a lot of us, could easily have been the ones to write that to ourselves.  I could have... waaay too many times.  I have been that totaled, too many times, and fought that same battle inside, also, waaay too many times as well.  Using your humor, even in that way, to come to grips with who you are (battle of the names aside), made me tear up, remembering what I  have been hiding for over 50years myself.

Thirdly.. (ok, that one was just for fun!) the sooner you really, and I mean, really just decide to accept who you are, the less crazy scared you will become, the gentler your mind will be, and the less stress and turmoil you will feel.

Lastly..  (hey, see what I did there??)...  if you think you're going to get blotto again, drink a lot of water prior..  keeps you hydrated, fends off the headache after.

A long gentle hug for you, sis.  I think, you'll be amazed, how strong you are to get thru this.  You've got us here, to help..

Paula

Aww hunni!  You didn't have to do that lol! But thank you!! ♥︎*Hugs Affectionately*♥︎ :D

And aww, I didn't mean to cause anyone to feel emotional :( hope you're ok ♥︎

I have to say as the day is going on and the hangover wears off, it's starting to feel like I've really broken something (in a good way! :D ).  It's hard to describe, but I guess it's kinda like the doors to the jail have been blown off their hinges, if that makes sense?  Obviously I still have a way to go before I fully accept this, but this definitely is feeling more and more like a great big bold stride forward, and it feels *amazing*! :D  I suspect full acceptance wont come until I can talk to a gender therapist (circumstances are holding me back on that at the moment, but that should change when I move out).

Haha and yeh, the next party is likely to be Halloween.  The past few years we've been going to a local LGBT night club, who always have a huge-ass night for Halloween because the place was originally opened on that day (so it's like a birthday party too!).  We've all had a great time the past few years, and it was walking home from the one last year that I finally came out to myself, so it's kinda like a birthday for me too! :D  Halloween has always been my favourite holiday because it's just so much fun lol :P  I'll probably keep this thread in my bookmarks and see what happens at the end of that night too :P

You know, it's weird...all that stuff about "In vino veritas" and so on.  Twenty years ago, staggering under the recent realisation that I was transgender, I had a rather very much excessive amount to drink one night, and cried my eyes out from misery of who I was.

A month ago I met some friends for a great dinner out.  A bit too much wine was drunk by all of us.  I got home and cried a bit, but it was from the joy and relief of being in exactly the space that scared me sooo much all those years ago.  How things change!

Don't want to make a habit of it though - neither the crying nor the boozing - not only would my endo be pissed at me, but, madre mía, what a hangover I had....

Yay!! Good for you. (: Despite the hangover, it sounds like you had a good experience (or at least insightful).

I think it's difficult to give an opinion on the name thing.. Kira & Sarah both sound like first names to me.. but that's probably just me..  I personally find names are generally descriptive of the individual & there's a sort of connection you have to it.. It sounds like you have this with Sarah.

Drunk you sounds super spunky, btw. (: I always love reading your posts.

OMG! Kira/Sarah, you both are AWESOME LOL! I'd love to post more than that but, time constraints so, only thing I can say atm is, I think you have split personality disorder. Doesn't seem like a bad thing in this case though but I would get yourself/v'es checked out to be sure. (Hope neither of you take offense to this)

Also, you never had a middle name!  :o That's really an option? To just, not have a middle name? So like, I can rename myself and not have to pick a middle name and just do away with it? Oh I hope so and if someone tells me I can even do away with a last name then, I'll be so SOOO happy! :) And yes, the exact order you said both names is what works best imo and we both had the same thought of that and order, it works imo. :)

OK, Sarah. I loved it. I hope you heed the words that drunk Kira was opening up as Sarah. cool freakin'' letter to yourself though and one helluvan Idea.

I'm a little late to this party but take two Tylenol or Ibuprofen after a night of drinking and no hangovers in the morning.

Oops, I was going to add a reply to this topic the other day, then got distracted by shinny things important RL stuff :P

So first of all, you may have noticed I've got my screen name changed! :D  I've been thinking about it all week and this just "feels right" now.  Hard to explain, but when I look in a mirror, I can see a Sarah staring back at me, but it's much harder to see a Kira staring back at me.  It's kind of a shame because like I said - I love the name Kira a very tiny tiny bit more, it's just Sarah *FEELS* more right for me, so I'm running with it :)

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on October 12, 2014, 03:00:32 PM
You know, it's weird...all that stuff about "In vino veritas" and so on.  Twenty years ago, staggering under the recent realisation that I was transgender, I had a rather very much excessive amount to drink one night, and cried my eyes out from misery of who I was.

A month ago I met some friends for a great dinner out.  A bit too much wine was drunk by all of us.  I got home and cried a bit, but it was from the joy and relief of being in exactly the space that scared me sooo much all those years ago.  How things change!

Don't want to make a habit of it though - neither the crying nor the boozing - not only would my endo be pissed at me, but, madre mía, what a hangover I had....

Aww, I'm so glad things have worked out for you hun! ♥︎*Hugs*♥︎  I really hope I find myself in that same place in the not-too-distant future too :) x

And yeh lol, boozing isn't a particularly great way to solve problems generally speaking, but it is a good way to expose your true feelings on things I think :)  In fact, I seem to vaguely recall a story about a famous group of people (I forget who though..) who used to make decisions about things while intoxicated, write them down, and then review them the next morning to see if they still thought it was a good idea and go with it if they did.  Actually makes a lot of sense and... actually kinda what I did here lol :P

Quote from: Jill E on October 12, 2014, 06:30:33 PM
..Drunk you sounds super spunky, btw. (: I always love reading your posts.

Hehe aww, thank you :P  Yeh I'm nice and loving and stuff 99% of the time, but when something fires me up I really let loose with all guns lol :P x

Quote from: Jill E on October 12, 2014, 06:30:33 PM
Yay!! Good for you. (: Despite the hangover, it sounds like you had a good experience (or at least insightful).

I think it's difficult to give an opinion on the name thing.. Kira & Sarah both sound like first names to me.. but that's probably just me..  I personally find names are generally descriptive of the individual & there's a sort of connection you have to it.. It sounds like you have this with Sarah...

Quote from: Shana-chan on October 13, 2014, 03:40:18 PM
..Also, you never had a middle name!  :o That's really an option? To just, not have a middle name? So like, I can rename myself and not have to pick a middle name and just do away with it? Oh I hope so and if someone tells me I can even do away with a last name then, I'll be so SOOO happy! :) And yes, the exact order you said both names is what works best imo and we both had the same thought of that and order, it works imo. :)

Yeh having thought about it, "Sarah Kira D***" doesn't sound right.  Too many "ah" sounds in it for it to work I think is the main problem.  If it was something like "Sarah Jane" or "Sarah Holly" or basically anything else that doesn't end in another "ah" sound then it'd work.  Sucks, but maybe I'll reserve "Kira" for my first daughter's name or something instead? ;) x

And yes, it's possible to not have a middle name (at least here in the UK, not sure about other countries).  I'm pretty sure last names are mandatory though, so sorry about that :( x

Quote from: Shana-chan on October 13, 2014, 03:40:18 PM
OMG! Kira/Sarah, you both are AWESOME LOL! I'd love to post more than that but, time constraints so, only thing I can say atm is, I think you have split personality disorder. Doesn't seem like a bad thing in this case though but I would get yourself/v'es checked out to be sure. (Hope neither of you take offense to this)..

Hehe, na.  Used to have split personality disorder, but we're ok now! :laugh:

No seriously hun, this was just me when I was drunk writing a letter as if sober me were another person.  It's more to do with the "it's easier to give someone else advice" thing than anything else.  The only difference between drunk me and sober me is that drunk me doesn't have all the walls and chains restraining her that sober me does.  So yeh don't worry hun, I'm pretty sure I don't have a genuine issue there, but thank you for the concern :) ♥︎

Quote from: Jess42 on October 13, 2014, 03:47:22 PM
OK, Sarah. I loved it. I hope you heed the words that drunk Kira was opening up as Sarah. cool freakin'' letter to yourself though and one helluvan Idea.

I'm a little late to this party but take two Tylenol or Ibuprofen after a night of drinking and no hangovers in the morning.

Lmao thank you :P ♥︎  Trust me though that was far from the worst hangover I've had - one time I woke up in my own bed after a party at a friend's house with seaweed on my shoe.. yet I live about 3 hours drive away from the nearest beach - work that one out, because we never did! :laugh:

♥︎*Hugs*♥︎

I think Sarah is a beautiful name.  I almost chose it for myself, and if I ever have a daughter, that will be her name.

I kind of envy you the drunken revelry... I have only seriously drank once in my life and wow, did I ever get drunk.  But its not something I get to do very often, so your experiment is very interesting.

Quote from: ♥︎ SarahD ♥︎ on October 18, 2014, 06:25:19 PM
Lmao thank you :P ♥︎  Trust me though that was far from the worst hangover I've had - one time I woke up in my own bed after a party at a friend's house with seaweed on my shoe.. yet I live about 3 hours drive away from the nearest beach - work that one out, because we never did! :laugh:

♥︎*Hugs*♥︎

Nope. I am kind of scared of what you may have done. But I have been there though. Hearing secondhand what I did the night before. Not a good feeling. But it does sound like you had a six hour round trip somewhere in that night.

The walk of shame sux though. Thank god I got a shower and could put on makeup before taking the walk. The guy wanted me to look as girly as I could before I left. :-\ I should have walked out as a guy and screwed him as being gay. But I just didn't have the heart. So I did my best. :-\

Well it's 4am - I'm not exactly "drunk" this time, but I've had a few drinks and I'm feeling great! :laugh:

So tonight was Halloween (duh! :D) and as I mentioned we usually go down to our local LGBT nightclub who throw a massive bash because a) it's Halloween, and b) the club first opened many years ago on this night, so it's like a birthday for them (I think I mentioned that before but cba to re-read old posts right now lol :P ).  1 year ago today on my way home (walking all on my own, because I'm Sarah and I doesn't afraid of anything! :D ) from the last Halloween bash there, I just suddenly snapped into girl mode, and pretty much came out to myself there and then as trans*.  This year (wait... there's a song there somewhere! :D), I got some bits together over the past few weeks, and decided I was going to go pretty unashamedly girl-mode with my outfit, and just *BE* a girl for the night instead of my usual "some outfit which still technically passes for a guy but has some girly bits to it like I usually do.  I couldn't get hold of any of my friends but I was ok with that, because I got to really push the boundaries pretty much past breaking point by flying solo for the evening.

Earlier in the day, mum asked me if I needed any makeup - I'm still not out to them but they're used to me wearing foundation and eyeliner (one of the many advantages of being involved in the rock / alternative scene for years ;) ).  I told her no because I got some last week when I went up the city.  I'm not quite sure what came over me, but I decided to mention the wig I bought.  She was really cool with it, like it was totally normal, and said "nah, I'll see it when you get ready tonight" when I offered to show it to her :)

So the evening came and I got ready - foundation and eyeliner as usual, but unlike usual I also put on mascara and purple (ish) lipstick, as well as my wig.  I came out the bathroom, kinda nervous about what they would say (again, bearing in mind that I've not come out to them), and you know what reaction I got from them?

QuoteWow!  That looks *AMAZING*!

they both said! :D :D :D

Mum then even said rather specifically:

QuoteYou look like your niece!

Which yeh, I can kinda see that lol :P  Again - remember - I'm not out to them yet! .. well, lol, I suppose I am now kinda lmao! :laugh: And.. they seemed completely fine with it.  I mean, they didn't say anything negative at all, they were both really complimentary even... that's a good sign, right?  *RIGHT*?! :D

Oh and yeh, I had a really great night when I got to the club :D  It took me a while to open up because I forgot Malibu and Coke doesn't affect me much (thus why I'm not really that drunk right now lol :P ), but when I did loosen up a bit (after a couple of Desperadoes) I managed to hit my stride in girl mode.  As I said, it's an LGBT night club (a pretty damn huge one too) and they run a really smooth operation there, and no one batted an eyelid.  I mean, I was hardly "stealth" in any sense.  At best you could say it was a valiant effort for a drag outfit, but regardless I got quite a few people (guys and girls (cis lesbians , trans* and drag queens) who came up and started dancing with me (and as it turns out - I'm kinda a huge flirt hehe! :laugh: ).  One girl (cis lesbian - I think she said her name was Erin) started seriously chatting me up big time, and asked me my name.  It kinda caught me off guard, so in the heat of the moment I gave her my birth (male) name, but added "..at least officially".  She looked at me with a raised eyebrow, and said "no hunni, what's your *REAL* name?" I smiled so much! She'd recognised that I was a fledgling and needed a nudge to spread my wings, so I told her "Sarah", and that felt even better!! :D  We went in and danced for a bit, she introduced me to a few of her other female friends who all said I was really beautiful and they couldn't stop stroking my hair (*Sqwee!* :D), and we just all hung out for a while as *GIRLS*!  Oh my god, it was freaking *AMAZING*!

And do you all want to know the best part?  I didn't even have to do anything!  I was just myself, and as myself, I was outright accepted as "one of the girls" :D  I mean, that says everything right there, doesn't it?  I've always been more at ease around girls than I have guys, so I don't know why this was such a surprise, but it was lol :P  Unfortunately we all ended up going our separate ways eventually, but I was thinking of making my excuses anyway because it was getting late.

To top off what was already a great night, I did something I hadn't initially planned on doing - I ordered a taxi under my *FEMALE* name! :D  Oh wow it was sooo cool saying to the taxi operator "Taxi for Sarah please", and when it turned up - "Hi, are you for Sarah?"  OohOoh and I nearly forgot!  I got "Mam'd" outside by one of the Taxi co-ordinators while I was waiting!  Oh my god that nearly blew my tiny little brain apart it felt so good!  And then some guy shouted "girls!" (at their friends who were standing next to me) and I automatically looked without thinking.

Phew.. erm, yeh I think that's everything that happened, it was quite an action-packed night.  I didn't get very drunk but holy crap - this is 100x *BETTER*! I'm seriously on cloud 9 right now! :D ♥︎  I should probably leave this here and get some sleep lol :P

Oh, but one last thing - a pic of me in my outfit! :D (and also first pic of me on these forums ;) ♥︎ ).  As you can tell - I'm no photography pro hehe :P


Love you all to bits!  I hope your evening was even half as good as mine! :D ♥︎

Wow, 4 AM. Where? It's only 12:09 here. And drinking, naturally. Of course. ::) All Hollow's Eve. Love it just ain't seen any real demons ghosts or goblin yet but the night is still young. ;D

QuoteThirdly, drunk me is right - I know the answer already, I don't know why I keep having doubts...  well I guess I do - all my doubts are centred around the basic idea of "what will everyone think of me?" and other similar notions.  If I take those away then, apart from the uncertainty principal one I mentioned above, I don't have any other doubts.  That one doubt has been pretty much blown out of the water with this experiment, so my only reason to not do this is now because of what others might think of me, or say to me, or do to me.  I can't say I fully accept that as a valid reason to not do something that I need to do.  It's only a valid reason if what you're doing is actually going to negatively affect others, but I don't see transition as being something that does that (sure it causes a kind of "grief", but most of that is more down to prejudice and mis-information about trans* folk, so really that's Society's™ fault imho).  Anyway, this experiment answers the main question I believe - "Am I a girl?"  Yup hunni, you sure as hell are! :D

SarahD, I had to read through all the posts in order to catch this part, but I have to say, this is such a great thread.  Also, thank you for sharing it because I think that it has helped others.  Yes I always get these doubts about transition, but they aren't because I'm not trans.  It all comes down to what will happen to my world when I come out or it gets out.  These thoughts go on everyday with transitioning.  What I never really expected was how, as my whole transition plan begins to unfold, I am constantly having second thoughts due to the aforementioned fears.  The part I didn't expect was how I continue to go forward while having these good and bad feelings both at the same time.

Quote from: Jess42 on November 01, 2014, 12:12:52 AM
Wow, 4 AM. Where? It's only 12:09 here. And drinking, naturally. Of course. ::) All Hollow's Eve. Love it just ain't seen any real demons ghosts or goblin yet but the night is still young. ;D

I'm in the UK hun, I'm going to hazard a guess that you're east-coast US? :P Halloween has always been a big night for me and my friends.  We always have great parties and it's a great excuse to dress up in really outlandish outfits ;) and there seems to always be something cool happening on the gaming scene too around this time each year (we're all gamers (even the girls) so we tend to get quite involved in that sorta stuff lol :P ).  I'd go as far as to say it's actually my favourite holiday of the year hehe :D  Closely followed by New Years Eve of course, again for the parties and dress-up potential  :icon_chick: ♥︎

Quote from: Deinewelt on November 01, 2014, 12:52:38 AM
SarahD, I had to read through all the posts in order to catch this part, but I have to say, this is such a great thread.  Also, thank you for sharing it because I think that it has helped others.  Yes I always get these doubts about transition, but they aren't because I'm not trans.  It all comes down to what will happen to my world when I come out or it gets out.  These thoughts go on everyday with transitioning.  What I never really expected was how, as my whole transition plan begins to unfold, I am constantly having second thoughts due to the aforementioned fears.  The part I didn't expect was how I continue to go forward while having these good and bad feelings both at the same time.

Awww, hunni I'm so glad it has helped you! :D ♥︎*Hugs*♥︎

Yeh, it's weird, isn't it?  As soon as you take away all the external / social pressures etc, transition suddenly doesn't seem half as difficult does it? :) That's kinda what last night was about for me really - put myself in an environment where no one cares (an LGBT night club), unlock the chains and see how I behave when I'm just being myself.  As it turns out - I'm pretty a-typically female when left to my own devices :)  Other than killing any thoughts of "what will anyone who's watching think of me" like a game of whack-a-mole, I didn't have to put any effort in what-so-ever like I've always had to trying to be male.  I was just me, and just *was* female, simple as that.  I definitely recommend to anyone just starting out like me to find similar spaces where you can unlock the chains and just be your pure, real self.  I've got such a sense of peace and harmony inside myself today, it's actually kinda weird lol :P

And on that note - when I caught myself in one of the floor-to-ceiling mirrors that were mounted to the support columns of the dance floor looking female and just acting myself, it seemed so strangely normal.  It was like I'd been carrying the whole world on my shoulders for all these years.  Last night, I got to put the world down for a few hours - I'd gotten so used to it I'd forgotten what it was like to live without it. I didn't realise just how bad this dysphoria was until I was able to shove the bulk of it to one side for an evening.

All these silly things are really helping me to confirm that this is real for me, and helps push back the doubts that little bit further.  At the end of the day, I don't want to end up replacing one performance with another - I wan't to find my true self and drop *ALL* the acting completely so I can just be me, but at the same time, I'm not getting any younger, and if this really is what I need to do then I need to move on it before it gets any worse.  Perhaps that's what's driving you forward too? :) ♥︎

Also on a side note which I forgot to mention - I met a non-binary person last night :)  They were really sweet and friendly, quite tall and thin in their high heels, long black ponytail and female-dress, but they were rocking a pretty bad-ass Johnny Depp style trimmed beard and tash and made no attempt to feminise their voice.  I only mention it because that's the first non-binary person I've met in RL, and I have to say - both their personality and appearance was really cool hehe :D  I've already had a positive experience with the non-binary crowd here on Susan's, and this helped further solidify that positive image :) ♥︎

Quote from: Jess42 on October 13, 2014, 03:47:22 PM
I'm a little late to this party but take two Tylenol or Ibuprofen after a night of drinking and no hangovers in the morning.

Whatever you do don't take Tylenol before or after drinking - it has acetaminophen in it and mixing that with booze is bad:

Combining acetaminophen pain relievers, which include Tylenol, and even light amounts of alcohol can more than double the risk of kidney disease, new research suggests. Taking the recommended dose of acetaminophen, combined with a small to moderate amount of alcohol, produces a 123 percent increased risk of kidney disease, according to a new preliminary study.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/news/20131104/tylenol-and-alcohol-a-bad-mix-study-suggests

It can lead to sudden liver failure..... and death. Johnson & Johnson had to put a warning label on Tylenol about this.

Quote from: Eva Marie on November 01, 2014, 03:59:01 PM
Whatever you do don't take Tylenol before or after drinking - it has acetaminophen in it and mixing that with booze is bad:

Combining acetaminophen pain relievers, which include Tylenol, and even light amounts of alcohol can more than double the risk of kidney disease, new research suggests. Taking the recommended dose of acetaminophen, combined with a small to moderate amount of alcohol, produces a 123 percent increased risk of kidney disease, according to a new preliminary study.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/news/20131104/tylenol-and-alcohol-a-bad-mix-study-suggests

It can lead to sudden liver failure..... and death. Johnson & Johnson had to put a warning label on Tylenol about this.

I need to second what Eva said.  This is dangerous.  Acetaminophen is actually pretty hard on the system as it is, but when taken with anything else (alcohol, other drugs) it is really taxing on the liver.   The same is true with alcohol when used with any other drug.   Alcohol and opiates/opiods is a big no-no especially. 

It is best to give your liver only one thing to work on at a time.  It needs to last a lifetime, so please be kind to it.

 :icon_wave-nerd: [pops in to talk about pharmacology]

Ibuprofen is metabolized by the kidney, not the liver, and so it's much safer to take after drinking. If you've got a hangover, reach for the Advil. Although if you're prone to ulcers/gastric bleeding, be warned that that's a primary side effect of Non Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory drugs (like advil/tylenol), especially in conjunction with alcohol.

QuoteYeh, it's weird, isn't it?  As soon as you take away all the external / social pressures etc, transition suddenly doesn't seem half as difficult does it? :)

I just end up feeling great and horrible all at the same time!  Not really sure which side wins.  We may get confused about what we want to do, but I think it is important we understand what makes us feel great and what makes us feel horrible.  In my case, being as female as I can be feels great, and the fear of the unknown of coming out makes me feel horrible.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading on my issue, and what I've realized is this- while there is this desire to be a female because that's how I really feel, there is also a desire to fit in socially as a female.  I think that the latter desire is the one which is most connected to the fear of social reaction.

What must we do to be successful?  I think the fact is, we can fit in socially somewhere as woman.  We may not fit in exactly like a cis born woman, but we will fit in as woman better than we did as men.  We may not fit in the same places we do now, but certainly there are many places were we fit in (like here for instance).  There may be people that don't like it.  Should we even care?  We can't fit in to those groups anymore.  At this point, I can't imagine rejecting my transition in favor of fitting in with a group that is against us having even basic rights.

While fitting in socially as female is one of my main goals, fitting in socially is a universal problem that all cis woman and trans woman must learn to deal with, and we all face the possibility of rejection.  Learning to handle rejection is a good thing.  I also firmly believe that there is a clear distinction between being accepted as female and being accepted into a social space.  The fact is, we are trying to move into a space that we don't completely understand- how could we, we've never been a part of it.  So how do we make light of it?

QuoteWhat must we do to be successful?  I think the fact is, we can fit in socially somewhere as woman.  We may not fit in exactly like a cis born woman, but we will fit in as woman better than we did as men.  We may not fit in the same places we do now, but certainly there are many places were we fit in (like here for instance).  There may be people that don't like it.  Should we even care?  We can't fit in to those groups anymore.  At this point, I can't imagine rejecting my transition in favor of fitting in with a group that is against us having even basic rights.

I really connect with this statement. I think it is the essence of hiding vs. living honestly.