Community Conversation => Transitioning => Coming out of the closet => Topic started by: michelle82 on October 14, 2014, 04:18:44 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Is it too soon?
Post by: michelle82 on October 14, 2014, 04:18:44 PM
Post by: michelle82 on October 14, 2014, 04:18:44 PM
My ex-spouse knows about me being transgendered, and so does my Mom. I feel I want to come out to my father and possibly some other friends.
When I discussed this with my Therapist, she asked me that I was maybe putting the "cart before the horse". I think her thought was that because I've only been in therapy for less than a month, still living a relatively normal male life and haven't really committed to any transitioning steps yet, that maybe I should hold off on coming out.
In terms of my own certainty about transitioning, i feel I'm ready to start taking small steps towards it, however I suppose it's always possible that I may change my mind if it doesn't feel right living full time.
Is it better to start coming out once your transitioning is more "in progress" rather than not really even begun yet. I guess my reasoning for telling my immediate loved ones, is to give them a heads up on what I'm about to embark on, so any physical or appearance changes I do don't come as a surprise.
When I discussed this with my Therapist, she asked me that I was maybe putting the "cart before the horse". I think her thought was that because I've only been in therapy for less than a month, still living a relatively normal male life and haven't really committed to any transitioning steps yet, that maybe I should hold off on coming out.
In terms of my own certainty about transitioning, i feel I'm ready to start taking small steps towards it, however I suppose it's always possible that I may change my mind if it doesn't feel right living full time.
Is it better to start coming out once your transitioning is more "in progress" rather than not really even begun yet. I guess my reasoning for telling my immediate loved ones, is to give them a heads up on what I'm about to embark on, so any physical or appearance changes I do don't come as a surprise.
Title: Re: Is it too soon?
Post by: Alice Rogers on October 14, 2014, 04:24:06 PM
Post by: Alice Rogers on October 14, 2014, 04:24:06 PM
Only you can answer that hun.
I came out to my parents before I began my physical transition for one reason, if I had started my changes and they had noticed them then telling them might hurt them because I did not trust them with it.
The idea of having my parents feeling alienated and hurt because I didn't feel I could tell them wasn't something I liked the idea of.
I told them a few months before I started my hormones.
Alice
xx
I came out to my parents before I began my physical transition for one reason, if I had started my changes and they had noticed them then telling them might hurt them because I did not trust them with it.
The idea of having my parents feeling alienated and hurt because I didn't feel I could tell them wasn't something I liked the idea of.
I told them a few months before I started my hormones.
Alice
xx
Title: Re: Is it too soon?
Post by: Anna-Maria on October 14, 2014, 04:42:39 PM
Post by: Anna-Maria on October 14, 2014, 04:42:39 PM
I can fully understand your thoughts, anxieties and doubts about all this. To me it was clear after admitting to myself that I was Trans that, I should come to terms with my closest friends and my family as well very soon on what I´m about to do in my life.
That´s why I started coming out to my grandma and my mom shortly after admitting to myself. Subsequently I came out to close friends first after being in therapy for 3 months or so. While my friends accepted me right away, my family except of my grandma, felt somehow overrun and they´re still struggling with it. It´s a hard time for my family and me because I always had a close relationship to them. While my Mom is now at a point where she´s beginning to accept the fact and the inevitability of my transition, my Dad and my Bro are still in denial.
What I wanted to say is, your family knows you for more than 30 years as their son, bro, grandson and so on. And now, suddenly for them, all these "truths" dissapear right before their eyes. They have to learn about Transsexuality, they have to learn what was going on all the time within yourself. They have to learn about your inner disruption, the anxieties, depressions you might have had and you might still have. They have to learn to accept you as their daughter, sister, granddaughter, who you really are.
They need time and they need you to talk with them. In my eyes, there´s no other way. You have to explain your way to be. And as an advice, start it as early as you can. If their mind is ready, your physical transition will make sense to them.
Wish you all the best :-*
xoxo
Anna-Maria
That´s why I started coming out to my grandma and my mom shortly after admitting to myself. Subsequently I came out to close friends first after being in therapy for 3 months or so. While my friends accepted me right away, my family except of my grandma, felt somehow overrun and they´re still struggling with it. It´s a hard time for my family and me because I always had a close relationship to them. While my Mom is now at a point where she´s beginning to accept the fact and the inevitability of my transition, my Dad and my Bro are still in denial.
What I wanted to say is, your family knows you for more than 30 years as their son, bro, grandson and so on. And now, suddenly for them, all these "truths" dissapear right before their eyes. They have to learn about Transsexuality, they have to learn what was going on all the time within yourself. They have to learn about your inner disruption, the anxieties, depressions you might have had and you might still have. They have to learn to accept you as their daughter, sister, granddaughter, who you really are.
They need time and they need you to talk with them. In my eyes, there´s no other way. You have to explain your way to be. And as an advice, start it as early as you can. If their mind is ready, your physical transition will make sense to them.
Wish you all the best :-*
xoxo
Anna-Maria
Title: Re: Is it too soon?
Post by: Monica Jean on October 14, 2014, 04:48:34 PM
Post by: Monica Jean on October 14, 2014, 04:48:34 PM
I completely agree with sharing with the closest people first, after all, they are the closest and most dearest to our hearts, they need to know before there are any surprises, other than the obvious coming out. I believe it shows respect for them to put them at the forefront.
Title: Re: Is it too soon?
Post by: Ms Grace on October 14, 2014, 05:19:17 PM
Post by: Ms Grace on October 14, 2014, 05:19:17 PM
First time I tried transitioning I told a whole stack of people early in the process. I found it confused people that I was still presenting as male and switching to female when it suited me. They were all "what's up with you and the whole I want to be a woman thing? When's it going to happen for real?" Fair enough I guess. So if you're happy to answer those and similar questions then that's fine. This time I decide not to tell most people until I was a few days from going full time, it made a real difference I found. Maybe it was just pandering to cis centred binary expectations but it sure reduced difficulty - one day I was a "guy" next day I wasn't.
Title: Re: Is it too soon?
Post by: michelle82 on October 14, 2014, 05:49:47 PM
Post by: michelle82 on October 14, 2014, 05:49:47 PM
Hi Ms Grace
Thanks for
Providing both ends of the spectrum. I can see merits to both approaches. I think really just my dad should be made aware at the least. Since my
Mom does know. Ive explained to mom that I'm not looking to make any drastic changes and plan on going very slow, so she is aware that i wont just suddenly start presenting as female. Maybe then once i get more comfortable with myself and make more progress i can start opening up to some more.
Thanks for
Providing both ends of the spectrum. I can see merits to both approaches. I think really just my dad should be made aware at the least. Since my
Mom does know. Ive explained to mom that I'm not looking to make any drastic changes and plan on going very slow, so she is aware that i wont just suddenly start presenting as female. Maybe then once i get more comfortable with myself and make more progress i can start opening up to some more.