Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Kaylee H. on October 20, 2014, 08:25:10 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Complicating and confusing
Post by: Kaylee H. on October 20, 2014, 08:25:10 PM
Post by: Kaylee H. on October 20, 2014, 08:25:10 PM
Hello everyone,
I just thought that I would introduce myself.
I'm Kaylee and I have a very complicated and confusing life.
I guess my story is very similar to many out there, but obviously since everyone is different, the story too will have it's own differences.
I don't really remember much of my past. However, I do remember bits and pieces of what has led me to where I am today.
I am 29 years old right now and about 8 years ago or so, everything started to change for me. Within a few years span, I was officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which I then tried to ignore, I started a new job that pays well, and my cross-dressing took a different turn for me.
My cross-dressing started at or around puberty, but to be honest I don't remember what went through my mind back then. Looking back at it with vague feelings or awareness, the dressing might have started as a curiosity, but as I look back at my life, I don't recall much in terms of gender association. As I told one of my therapists...I was me. I knew that I was born male, and I guess I acted pretty much as a boy would. But I don't think it meant much to me, probably because I never really formed any connections to anyone...or at least it was very hard for me to do so. I do remember one event from my youth where I was trying to emulate a movie scene when I was all alone and I ended up stuffing my shirt to give myself breasts, but I honestly don't know if that was because I was trying to emulate the woman, or if I was just trying to emulate both characters from that scene.
Try as I might the cross-dressing never stopped and when that turning point came in my life about 8 years ago. More money came in and I felt the need to use herbal hormones so that I could become the woman that I was dressing to be whenever I was alone. But just like the dressing, the herbs were also an on again, off again cycle in my life. Eventually, I became desperate, in a sense. I kept wishing and praying that I could become a woman. I felt the desperate urge to know what it was like to be a woman. I wished that I could wake up in the morning and be a woman. Obviously, that never happened. The cycle continued...on and off again.
Just before my 28th birthday, that cycle started up again...that need to be was getting strong again. I got sick of the back and forth cycle I was going through. Part of the reason why the cycle stops for me is because I was raised as a conservative Christian...no one I know in my little circle would approve of what I've gone through or done. They would still love me, but they wouldn't approve. And what also makes it difficult, is I too still struggle with how I was raised. But last year, when I got fed up with this cycle, I decided to find out once and for all what was right and what was wrong. This past February, I thought I found my answer...that I could go forward with transition.
Then my world got flipped upside down. It's like a switch got flipped. Doubts came on hard and nothing made sense anymore and I've been fighting ever since to flip that switch back. I feel that I can't go back to my male self, knowing what I've gone through. But the doubts are so strong sometimes, I feel that my only course is to stop, and then I'll just be stuck in this cycle or rinse and repeat.
I'm just a little lost now, trying to live one day at a time, but uncertain even of how to do that.
I found the topic in this forum on Transgender vs Asperger, and in my search, it seems rare for a MtoF to have Asperger's. So I decided to come to this site where there seem to be others that have more similarities with me.
Thanks for letting me share.
Kaylee
I just thought that I would introduce myself.
I'm Kaylee and I have a very complicated and confusing life.
I guess my story is very similar to many out there, but obviously since everyone is different, the story too will have it's own differences.
I don't really remember much of my past. However, I do remember bits and pieces of what has led me to where I am today.
I am 29 years old right now and about 8 years ago or so, everything started to change for me. Within a few years span, I was officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which I then tried to ignore, I started a new job that pays well, and my cross-dressing took a different turn for me.
My cross-dressing started at or around puberty, but to be honest I don't remember what went through my mind back then. Looking back at it with vague feelings or awareness, the dressing might have started as a curiosity, but as I look back at my life, I don't recall much in terms of gender association. As I told one of my therapists...I was me. I knew that I was born male, and I guess I acted pretty much as a boy would. But I don't think it meant much to me, probably because I never really formed any connections to anyone...or at least it was very hard for me to do so. I do remember one event from my youth where I was trying to emulate a movie scene when I was all alone and I ended up stuffing my shirt to give myself breasts, but I honestly don't know if that was because I was trying to emulate the woman, or if I was just trying to emulate both characters from that scene.
Try as I might the cross-dressing never stopped and when that turning point came in my life about 8 years ago. More money came in and I felt the need to use herbal hormones so that I could become the woman that I was dressing to be whenever I was alone. But just like the dressing, the herbs were also an on again, off again cycle in my life. Eventually, I became desperate, in a sense. I kept wishing and praying that I could become a woman. I felt the desperate urge to know what it was like to be a woman. I wished that I could wake up in the morning and be a woman. Obviously, that never happened. The cycle continued...on and off again.
Just before my 28th birthday, that cycle started up again...that need to be was getting strong again. I got sick of the back and forth cycle I was going through. Part of the reason why the cycle stops for me is because I was raised as a conservative Christian...no one I know in my little circle would approve of what I've gone through or done. They would still love me, but they wouldn't approve. And what also makes it difficult, is I too still struggle with how I was raised. But last year, when I got fed up with this cycle, I decided to find out once and for all what was right and what was wrong. This past February, I thought I found my answer...that I could go forward with transition.
Then my world got flipped upside down. It's like a switch got flipped. Doubts came on hard and nothing made sense anymore and I've been fighting ever since to flip that switch back. I feel that I can't go back to my male self, knowing what I've gone through. But the doubts are so strong sometimes, I feel that my only course is to stop, and then I'll just be stuck in this cycle or rinse and repeat.
I'm just a little lost now, trying to live one day at a time, but uncertain even of how to do that.
I found the topic in this forum on Transgender vs Asperger, and in my search, it seems rare for a MtoF to have Asperger's. So I decided to come to this site where there seem to be others that have more similarities with me.
Thanks for letting me share.
Kaylee
Title: Re: Complicating and confusing
Post by: Devlyn on October 20, 2014, 08:46:31 PM
Post by: Devlyn on October 20, 2014, 08:46:31 PM
Hi Kaylee, it's nice to meet you! Grab some snacks and get comfy. There's a lot of friendly people around here that know what you're facing. See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Complicating and confusing
Post by: mrs izzy on October 20, 2014, 10:07:28 PM
Post by: mrs izzy on October 20, 2014, 10:07:28 PM
Welcome Kaylee to Susan's family
There are a few here that should have information to help.
In the meantime pull up a chair and give a look over the following links for the site info...(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femoticons%2Fobject%2Fchair-3-smiley-emoticon-emoji.png&hash=f6de189a088518c5de131e0c9ce29661e7a52a55) (http://www.sherv.net/)
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Izzy
There are a few here that should have information to help.
In the meantime pull up a chair and give a look over the following links for the site info...(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femoticons%2Fobject%2Fchair-3-smiley-emoticon-emoji.png&hash=f6de189a088518c5de131e0c9ce29661e7a52a55) (http://www.sherv.net/)
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Izzy
Title: Re: Complicating and confusing
Post by: Mary Anne on October 28, 2014, 05:26:00 PM
Post by: Mary Anne on October 28, 2014, 05:26:00 PM
Kaylee, I'm sure you've done more research than I have, but I've seen some
anecdotal stories that seem to indicate there is a fairly strong relationship
between some Aspergers sufferers and ->-bleeped-<-. I'm simply saying
it appears to be not all that unusual. Please just find a really qualified therapist.
Good luck and I hope you find what you seek here and elsewhere.
anecdotal stories that seem to indicate there is a fairly strong relationship
between some Aspergers sufferers and ->-bleeped-<-. I'm simply saying
it appears to be not all that unusual. Please just find a really qualified therapist.
Good luck and I hope you find what you seek here and elsewhere.
Title: Re: Complicating and confusing
Post by: elize on October 30, 2014, 06:14:28 PM
Post by: elize on October 30, 2014, 06:14:28 PM
i have a similar disorder, hang in there :)
Title: Re: Complicating and confusing
Post by: stephaniec on October 30, 2014, 06:37:12 PM
Post by: stephaniec on October 30, 2014, 06:37:12 PM
welcome
Title: Re: Complicating and confusing
Post by: V M on August 07, 2017, 09:36:43 PM
Post by: V M on August 07, 2017, 09:36:43 PM
Hi Kaylee :icon_wave:
Welcome back to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here again, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome back to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here again, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Complicating and confusing
Post by: Laurie on August 08, 2017, 02:20:50 AM
Post by: Laurie on August 08, 2017, 02:20:50 AM
Hi Kaylee,
I'm Laurie, MTF in transition. I don't know a thing about Asperger's Syndrome so I cannot be of help to you there. I do know something about crossdressing and the guilt, binging, purging, self loathing, pleasure and good feelings it brings to one's life before they just give in and accept it as something they have to do. I did it for most of my 64 years right up until I discovered it was much more than crossdressing. I discovered I was trans and started my journey to be the woman I felt I was inside. I agree all those years of crossdressing were not the best years I have lived. Hopefully the best is yet to be lived.
Welcome to or welcome back to Susan's Place Katlee.
Hugs,
Laurie
I'm Laurie, MTF in transition. I don't know a thing about Asperger's Syndrome so I cannot be of help to you there. I do know something about crossdressing and the guilt, binging, purging, self loathing, pleasure and good feelings it brings to one's life before they just give in and accept it as something they have to do. I did it for most of my 64 years right up until I discovered it was much more than crossdressing. I discovered I was trans and started my journey to be the woman I felt I was inside. I agree all those years of crossdressing were not the best years I have lived. Hopefully the best is yet to be lived.
Welcome to or welcome back to Susan's Place Katlee.
Hugs,
Laurie