Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Seems like just yesterday (July/August) I was here, virtually sobbing, crying my eyes out and explaining my whole life story - how my mom caught me dressing, how I dressed in secret for years, even self medicated and almost committed suicide or "self penectomy."

Now I'm out to my wife, dressing openly basically full time at home, out to HR at work and going to get HRT and hair removal done shortly. I buy clothes often, and even try on some stuff (yes, in the store). I dress partially at work too.

But in the back of my mind I question whether I'm going too fast? I know this is supposed to be done gradually... when you proceed at breakneck speed, well, you can break your neck!

My therapist absolutely recommended hair removal, at least starting with it before I go on HRT.

I know of people who have been in therapy for YEARS and then they are ready.

So how fast is too fast?

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 24, 2014, 12:55:18 PM
So how fast is too fast?

It is only too fast if you are uncomfortable.

I went full time my first day presenting before HRT. I may not be the best example of taking it slowly!  ;D

I still have not regretted anything if that is a plus.  :)

People kept telling me I was moving too fast. If I'd listened to them, I'd still be a man and had fewer happy years in my life. When I lose a year of my life, it can never be replaced. It's priceless.

If you are certain, there is no such thing as too fast, IMO.

Jessica, I am not uncomfortable at all. In fact I'm very excited! Even just dressing up at home has made me so confident in myself. I don't look feminine much at all but I am going to get there. Starting skin care and of course when hair removal starts, I will look so much better I think. And my hair is growing out right now, I hope it's a decent length when I'm ready for FT.

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 24, 2014, 02:09:41 PM
Jessica, I am not uncomfortable at all.

Then full steam ahead girl!!  ;D

Awwww, I thought that this was going to be a musical question. :P

You take it at your own pace. I remember going full time after being on HRT for 18 months. Some people that I talked to did it within six months. Other people did it within three months. I never could have done that so soon into my transition.

Everyone goes at their own pace.

I'm literally in the exact same situation as you are right now having only coming out to my family and friends in july/august except that i decided to live separately from my wife at least for now but we actually hung out for the first time since I left as just friends last night and it was shockingly amazing. I actually just got back from seeing my therapist and we were actually discussing this exact same question. I told her I went and had my intake appointment for hormones and she gave me some line about how most people go through at least 2 years of therapy to even consider and i was just like that's crazy in a nice way. It actually ended up being my last time with her at least for now not only do I currently have major fund issues but I also don't feel I have anything to talk about. I'll probably seek it out again when I actually begin hormones but for now I just keep feeling more amazing everyday and I can't think of one thing that's going to take that away. So forget too soon or too fast you know whats best for yourself I think.

Whatever makes you feel best as long as the endo green lights it.  Also, the time to start beard removal is yesterday.  Having zero beard shadow is quite advantageous for your public presentation.

Quote from: Jill F on October 24, 2014, 05:46:04 PM
Whatever makes you feel best as long as the endo green lights it.  Also, the time to start beard removal is yesterday.  Having zero beard shadow is quite advantageous for your public presentation.

True. That is one thing that I kick myself in the can over. I could have knocked out at least 75% of the electro, and possibly...just maybe, completed it by 04 if I had my stuff together back in the day. I had a nice chunk of cash that I wasted on a crappy trade school in Ohio (that went absolutely nowhere) and the remainder was blown on drugs and alcohol. Stupid..stupid...stupid.

It basically depends on you and your goals. If going as fast as you need won't jeopardize any relationships or financial security etc. ... then go for it!

I came out to my wife in June 2009, laser hair removal in August 2009, started therapy October 2009, was on HRT February 2010, and came out at work and considered my transition finished in May 2010 - so 11 months start to finish. It was very, very hard on my wife, but otherwise there've been no repercussions.

(We're still married, and also I did then go on to have GRS in summer 2012.)

an example of going too fast is what happened with me, which my therapist and psychiatrist were 100% the ones hitting the gas:

september 2008 - starting therapy
november 2008 - formal dx of gid / coming out of the closet
december 2008 - starting HRT
march 2009 - getting a bilateral orchie
april 2009 - changing legal name, legal gender, documents, etc.
(electrolysis squeezed in here, may 2009 to august 2009)
august 2009 - decision to have SRS
september 2009 - SRS scheduled and paid for
october 2009 - preparations for SRS
november 2009 - having SRS

that's an example of going too fast, essentially making the entire process from coming out to srs happen in 1yr

Yikes... I'm not ready for SRS in one year... but a lot of other stuff seems not so fast.

HRT is basically informed consent but recommended by the therapist (she has an endo she works with).

SRS for me will probably be at least 2-3 years.

Relationship... I am very unsure what will happen but I'm prepared for the worst. I am most worried about seeing my kids. I don't want to be without them.

The reasons I'm probably going this fast is because I know so much about it from before and because I'm taking bold steps with RLE and coming out. Once I get a decent amount of hair removed I might start going out in public, to malls, stores etc. I already drive en femme to a lot of places.

Financial security really isn't an issue as long as the job is cool with it. I can make a decent living either way. I am accustomed to consulting and such so if I really needed to I can do that, but from the talk with HR they really don't have much to say about it and I'm entitled to all protections and non-discrimination (bathrooms, showers and other facilities).

Wow, here comes another one of Kate's dreams...

Yesterday I took a new profile pic on fb. However I did my hair a little different, let the front hang down. I wanted to make it just a wee bit girly/androgynous. Hair isn't long yet, but it's much longer than usual.

One of my friends asked if I was still a man.  :-\ LOL, he has no idea what's going on. Anyway I guess this is some of what I'll have to deal with.

But last night I had a dream! I dreamt that I looked in the mirror and I saw a girl there that looked just like me. I mean, long flowing hair and everything... It was an amazing dream. Probably means nothing other than where my mind is atm.

Glad its not just me keen to move things along, with the nhs requirement of 2 years real life experience before srs i figured why not just go full time now, im out to everyone that matters, i dress on a daily basis now (girls clothes i didnt meen just wearing clothes) ok so i have the facial hair to deal with but my boobs are growing like mad so sooner or later it will become awkward, only reason im holding back is the family (parents and brother) as they dont think its time yet, maybe waiting 2 years for srs wont be as bad as i think given how quickly a year seems to pass for me, just seems a long wait

Quote from: cass on October 25, 2014, 01:51:31 PM
ok so i have the facial hair to deal with but my boobs are growing like mad so sooner or later it will become awkward,

My therapist cautioned me about going FT until I have facial hair under control. In fact she recommended that I start with the facial hair before I go on hormones. That I'm doing because I really do want to go FT and not have as many issues with facial hair and I really don't want to have a thick film of makeup on, just enough to pass. 

Quote from: suzifrommd on October 24, 2014, 01:08:10 PM
If you are certain, there is no such thing as too fast, IMO.

Agree with this 100%. What a lot of non-trans people don't understand when they tell you to slow down and take a minute is that this is something that's been dwelling in the back of most of our minds since we were kids. If you're sure you're doing what you need to do and you've spoken to a professional about your feelings, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't go as fast or slow as you feel comfortable going.

I think there is such a thing as too fast. There's a lot of changes that your mind has to adjust to, and whether you process it as it happens or leave it to deal with later can make a huge difference. whether or not this is significant depends on the person. For new, a slow transition is a necessity to dealing with the new social role on top of a second puberty

Quote from: Zoidberg on October 26, 2014, 08:04:30 PM
I think there is such a thing as too fast. There's a lot of changes that your mind has to adjust to, and whether you process it as it happens or leave it to deal with later can make a huge difference. whether or not this is significant depends on the person. For new, a slow transition is a necessity to dealing with the new social role on top of a second puberty

I agree with this. Throw in adult things like work and family relationships and it's actually more than just dealing with a second puberty.

Quote from: ftmax on October 26, 2014, 06:25:31 PM
Agree with this 100%. What a lot of non-trans people don't understand when they tell you to slow down and take a minute is that this is something that's been dwelling in the back of most of our minds since we were kids. If you're sure you're doing what you need to do and you've spoken to a professional about your feelings, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't go as fast or slow as you feel comfortable going.

I also agree with this. If you slow down you lose valuable time, and in your mind you were already your chosen gender anyway. I try to explain this to my cis wife but she can't seem to wrap her head around it. She is doing research though and slowly coming to the realization that everything I've said is in fact true and I'm not just choosing to do this to satisfy some fantasy or fetish.

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 24, 2014, 12:55:18 PM
Seems like just yesterday (July/August) I was here, virtually sobbing, crying my eyes out and explaining my whole life story - how my mom caught me dressing, how I dressed in secret for years, even self medicated and almost committed suicide or "self penectomy."

Now I'm out to my wife, dressing openly basically full time at home, out to HR at work and going to get HRT and hair removal done shortly. I buy clothes often, and even try on some stuff (yes, in the store). I dress partially at work too.

But in the back of my mind I question whether I'm going too fast? I know this is supposed to be done gradually... when you proceed at breakneck speed, well, you can break your neck!

My therapist absolutely recommended hair removal, at least starting with it before I go on HRT.

I know of people who have been in therapy for YEARS and then they are ready.

So how fast is too fast?

From the day I started seeing a therapist to the day I went full time was probably under a year. I was only on hormones for maybe 6 months as well. When the repression came out for me, it came gushing out. In all honesty I was planning on going full time a little later than I actually did for 2 reason. One was to get my electrolysis to the point where I could go week to week without needing to shave too much. The second was because I wanted to do my facial surgery at the same time as I went full time. I ended up reeling in my dates a little but it all worked out for me. Full time was my goal and that's what I was shooting for.

If you're comfortable, you're not going too fast.

That said, I've sometimes had to consider the difference between leaving my comfort zone and being uncomfortable, if that makes sense. When changing new things (I've changed my presentation in public step by step, very slowly in the beginning, but with increasing speed, for a year now), I've often felt some uncomfort due to fears over the reactions of others. However, the changes themselves felt very comfortable, and I would not even remotely consider changing them back! I avoid certain places and people rather than conform. I sorely miss some of them, like church, but I comfort myself knowing that once I pass, I can go there again, and no one will lift an eyebrow. I've also avoided bigger family gatherings, but I will come out to my extended family (or rather, my parents will do it for me; I'm so grateful for their support) before Christmas.

So before I wander completely off topic, as long as you feel comfortable with the changes themselves, regardless of fear of social consequences (I think most people have them, at varying levels), you're not going too fast. I sometimes feel I'm riding an avalanche, but I would not have it any other way.

After much reflection I don't think I'm going too fast. I am changing therapists though, partially because my current (previous) one is no longer doing in person therapy in NYC and doing mostly online sessions.

I'm actually pretty comfortable and while there are some bumps in the road it's nothing I can't overcome.

It's amazing to me being myself in more places and more time than ever before.

I am also very excited to start HRT, because I've felt the calming mental effects before and it would be very nice to go back to that sense of well being. And of course having physical progress toward my true self.

Quote from: ImagineKate on November 05, 2014, 01:41:55 PM
I'm actually pretty comfortable and while there are some bumps in the road it's nothing I can't overcome.

This is great to hear!! Sounds like you will do just fine!  :) :)

On the other end of the spectrum life isn't necessarily any better. I was 100% closeted, except for my wife, who i came out to as a crossdresser 12 years ago before we were married. Then for 5 years i started going out and exploring more and stayed closeted to my friends/family/work. I slowly phased in hair removal and only in the last year did I come out to certain groups of friends (but not all, nor family). What did it get me? A slow and painful degradation of my relationship with my wife. She went back and forth trying to be supportive and hating it. But, ultimately she claims she was denying her true feelings.

I'm still not full time, i've been seeing a gender therapist (whom i LOVE) for 2 years and only recently in the last month started hrt and even then i'm still not sure what i'm doing and feel like i'm crazy for doing it.

There is probably a happy medium, but, i think it's probably different for everyone. I'm sure everyone says this, but if i knew 20 years ago what i know now... life would have been very different...

Quote from: jolie on November 06, 2014, 09:36:28 PM
On the other end of the spectrum life isn't necessarily any better. I was 100% closeted, except for my wife, who i came out to as a crossdresser 12 years ago before we were married. Then for 5 years i started going out and exploring more and stayed closeted to my friends/family/work. I slowly phased in hair removal and only in the last year did I come out to certain groups of friends (but not all, nor family). What did it get me? A slow and painful degradation of my relationship with my wife. She went back and forth trying to be supportive and hating it. But, ultimately she claims she was denying her true feelings.

I'm still not full time, i've been seeing a gender therapist (whom i LOVE) for 2 years and only recently in the last month started hrt and even then i'm still not sure what i'm doing and feel like i'm crazy for doing it.

There is probably a happy medium, but, i think it's probably different for everyone. I'm sure everyone says this, but if i knew 20 years ago what i know now... life would have been very different...

This.

I actually don't mind moving quickly. I was just looking to make sure I wasn't going to inadvertently crash and burn...