Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Female to male transsexual talk (FTM) => Topic started by: ka on October 28, 2014, 04:00:16 PM Return to Full Version
Title: lost
Post by: ka on October 28, 2014, 04:00:16 PM
Post by: ka on October 28, 2014, 04:00:16 PM
Hi,
just to put myself into context (first sorry for my english I hope it's understandable)
Already at primary school, I was asking myself why I am alive and this kind of question. In one side I knew I was a boy basically, but if 150 persons outside said I was a girl, it's maybe true, because they are so numerous and it's so obvious for us that I should be wrong, not them.
When I was about 11, girls began to look at boys, boys began to look at girls, and I didn't know about homosexuality. Me, I found girls attractive. So I formulate to myself something like : "It's clear, if I like girls, it's the proof I'm a boy !". It was the first time I really say it to me. But with my rational mind, I said again that according to all other people who know me, I'm a girl so I'm a girl. (And in the same time, homosexuality doesn't exist, I'm a girl so I can't like girl... I stupid haha)
Next step, puberty comes, and I realise that I always thought that I will grow up like a boy. With puberty, I couldn't thought about it anymore. Little by little my future had gone away and since that, I hadn't life desire anymore.
Some years later, I'm 22. During all this time, I accept little by little the fact that I'm attracted by girls. I am on a lgbt forum, and I always had interest in the transgender part. More and more, I realise that I was me. I consider hormons and mastectomy, and at 22 years old, I could see a future for me again.
I'm now 23, and I'm still at the same point and I'm lost. I have difficulties to go out, but I have to because I am at university, so I go out with knot in my stomach. Sometimes, I'm ok, but I realise it's because I know that later, I will be on T and I will be considered as a man. So other times, I realise this, and I realise that if I continue to do nothing, I will have nothing of that and it makes me feel so bad. Now I have my man name, I sometimes go in a trans association, I know what I want, but the point is I feel completely incapable of telling my mum I'm transgender. And I can do nothing if I don't tell her, because we are kinda close. (We never talk about feelings, but we are in good terms.)
I don't know why I'm posting that, I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't have any question I'm just lost. I feel like in class, when you don't understand something but you have 0 question, you are just lost in all the information and you don't know where begin, to what you can cling to come out of it.
just to put myself into context (first sorry for my english I hope it's understandable)
Already at primary school, I was asking myself why I am alive and this kind of question. In one side I knew I was a boy basically, but if 150 persons outside said I was a girl, it's maybe true, because they are so numerous and it's so obvious for us that I should be wrong, not them.
When I was about 11, girls began to look at boys, boys began to look at girls, and I didn't know about homosexuality. Me, I found girls attractive. So I formulate to myself something like : "It's clear, if I like girls, it's the proof I'm a boy !". It was the first time I really say it to me. But with my rational mind, I said again that according to all other people who know me, I'm a girl so I'm a girl. (And in the same time, homosexuality doesn't exist, I'm a girl so I can't like girl... I stupid haha)
Next step, puberty comes, and I realise that I always thought that I will grow up like a boy. With puberty, I couldn't thought about it anymore. Little by little my future had gone away and since that, I hadn't life desire anymore.
Some years later, I'm 22. During all this time, I accept little by little the fact that I'm attracted by girls. I am on a lgbt forum, and I always had interest in the transgender part. More and more, I realise that I was me. I consider hormons and mastectomy, and at 22 years old, I could see a future for me again.
I'm now 23, and I'm still at the same point and I'm lost. I have difficulties to go out, but I have to because I am at university, so I go out with knot in my stomach. Sometimes, I'm ok, but I realise it's because I know that later, I will be on T and I will be considered as a man. So other times, I realise this, and I realise that if I continue to do nothing, I will have nothing of that and it makes me feel so bad. Now I have my man name, I sometimes go in a trans association, I know what I want, but the point is I feel completely incapable of telling my mum I'm transgender. And I can do nothing if I don't tell her, because we are kinda close. (We never talk about feelings, but we are in good terms.)
I don't know why I'm posting that, I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't have any question I'm just lost. I feel like in class, when you don't understand something but you have 0 question, you are just lost in all the information and you don't know where begin, to what you can cling to come out of it.
Title: Re: lost
Post by: helen2010 on October 28, 2014, 04:39:59 PM
Post by: helen2010 on October 28, 2014, 04:39:59 PM
Ka
Welcome to Susans. I think that most of us arrived here lost and more than a little confused, and often scared. Congratulations on your first post. Your narrative is important as is seeking and absorbing as much information you can from past and current threads. At the same time the best advice that I can give is to find a good gender therapist. Unpacking, understanding and accepting your identity takes a fair bit of effort and expert assistance can make your journey a whole lot easier.
There are a number of folk with similar narratives and many of us here to listen, support, share our perspective and experience etc. We have each received a lot of help from others on this forum and look forward to supporting you on your journey.
Safe travels
Aisla
Welcome to Susans. I think that most of us arrived here lost and more than a little confused, and often scared. Congratulations on your first post. Your narrative is important as is seeking and absorbing as much information you can from past and current threads. At the same time the best advice that I can give is to find a good gender therapist. Unpacking, understanding and accepting your identity takes a fair bit of effort and expert assistance can make your journey a whole lot easier.
There are a number of folk with similar narratives and many of us here to listen, support, share our perspective and experience etc. We have each received a lot of help from others on this forum and look forward to supporting you on your journey.
Safe travels
Aisla
Title: Re: lost
Post by: JulieBlair on October 28, 2014, 04:59:58 PM
Post by: JulieBlair on October 28, 2014, 04:59:58 PM
Hi Ka,
You are welcome to share and learn. Your English is really pretty good. You express yourself well. The journey to who you authentically are is long and has a number of detours, but you will find both men and women here who support your courage to be yourself and who will offer all they can in helping you along.
Somebody will come along shortly with the rules, but the main thing is to be respectful and courteous always. :angel:
Very nice to meet you,
Julie
You are welcome to share and learn. Your English is really pretty good. You express yourself well. The journey to who you authentically are is long and has a number of detours, but you will find both men and women here who support your courage to be yourself and who will offer all they can in helping you along.
Somebody will come along shortly with the rules, but the main thing is to be respectful and courteous always. :angel:
Very nice to meet you,
Julie
Title: Re: lost
Post by: AdamMLP on October 28, 2014, 05:26:22 PM
Post by: AdamMLP on October 28, 2014, 05:26:22 PM
I'm not very good with advice or anything, but I just wanted to say that almost all of what you say matches with my life as well. I hope you begin to find your way in life and find a way to talk to your mother. Could you write her a letter? A lot of guys do that, and either leave it for them, or sit with them as they read it, so they don't have to say the words themselves.
Title: Re: lost
Post by: Devlyn on October 28, 2014, 05:34:02 PM
Post by: Devlyn on October 28, 2014, 05:34:02 PM
Hi Ka, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston, you speak better English than I do! Here is a section of the wiki that may help you: https://www.susans.org/wiki/Category:Family_and_friends I'm glad you found us, see you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: lost
Post by: ka on October 29, 2014, 04:56:46 AM
Post by: ka on October 29, 2014, 04:56:46 AM
Thanks for your support, and links.
lxndr write a letter and read it could be a good idea, I have to think about it.
lxndr write a letter and read it could be a good idea, I have to think about it.