Susan's Place Transgender Resources

the black feathers that scatter and fly
the dark wings that reach to the sky
the heart that sinks further into pain and sin
the sound rings with the air with a sorrowful hymn

that hand that tries to grip all reason
a thought, a feeling lost to the season
legs the run and run but can never keep up
the body broken, left like that of a rotten stump

the sun forever blocked by the encroaching night
the terror that leaves you shacking with fright
so tell me who would mourn when i am gone
for i can now hear the death reaper's song
one of my many poems. this is the newest one. seemingly i've become more, lets say inspired

Hmm... interesting, I feel like it could use some contrast though. Darkness is often more terrifying in places filled with light, just as heroes shine brighter in the dark.

I would like to recommend a Youtuber Autumn Asphodel, she is a Goth transwoman, she believes she has 60% female and 40% male in her identity. She struggles with mental illness. Her videos are quite uplifting to watch as she provides educational videos on gender, sexuality and mental illness.

Every time I watch her videos, I am reminded of you and I think you could benefit from watching her videos. This is only a suggestion so you are free to ignore this.

i think the problem with me is i have no reason to live or anything to hold on to. what nakes my life so special that should just keep on going. not even mental illness, its the fact of reasoning and i dont have one. thus why the poem is that of trying to find reason where reason just doesnt exist.

But... don't you have any family or friends? Isn't there anything you enjoy doing?

Also you live in a world where this video exists:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbTWWWtFFUs

That has to count for something.

things are born and things die, the natural cycle of life. what makes me so special, what reason do i have to keep on going. sure i do have those i care about but that doesnt give me any reason. basically someone asked me to keep living and thus i said i'd try and force myself so that became my reason. its all about reason and consequences.

The natural cycle of life is not to born and die - those are parts of it but it's not all of what life has to offer.

It is to experience the world for all the beautiful colors it has. Joy, laughter, happiness, grief, sadness, anger, love, hate, jealously, etc.

Right as of now, you are only seeing the world in monochrome. 

Have you ever been in a relationship? Been kissed? On a date? Fallen in love? Fell out of love? Have you ever had sexual encounters with others?

Have you ever created new friendships and connections to others? Have you ever had a pet, one you loved so much and they loved you in return? Have you ever been lied to, manipulated and betrayed?

Have your family members ever done anything so silly that made you laugh so hard that your tummy hurt? Have you ever gotten into an argument with a family member or a friend and apologized afterwards?

Have you ever traveled outside your suburb, your state, your country? Have you ever had a job where you worked with people who made the day go by with smiles and laughter or a job you absolutely hated?

Have you ever gone to college? Made friends at college? Have you ever studied a course that held your interest, that you thought you could do as a life-long career with no regrets?

Have you ever eaten a meal that you enjoyed from the moment you put the first spoonful into your mouth? Have you had a meal at a restaurant that was the worst meal ever?

Have you ever lost a loved one? Have you witnessed someone close to you lose their memory, become an empty shell of the person they once were? Have you ever been to a funeral? Have you ever witness someone close to you become so overwhelmed by grief that you see the light fade from their eyes as they go numb?

Depression can be a very serious condition if it is not treated properly. I have personally struggled with depression mixed in with intense episodes of dysphoria since puberty began. Going on HRT put me at ease but it did not solve all my problems, Even though my depression levels are nearly non-existent, I suffer from occasional moments of dysphoria and stress. I don't self-harm, drink excessively or do drugs like I did in the past. I use drawing, writing, video games and dancing as a healthy outlet for my emotions and stress. Sometimes, when all else fails, I will focus on transitioning and my future goals of getting surgery to receive the correct body, dreams of having a small cottage to live in, a successful career to do with animal welfare, future plans to travel the world...

Speaking of travelling the world... travel is a wonderful way (I found, personally) to beat the blues, seeing how large the world can be, seeing how the long ocean stretches for miles, the country of America as I flew from Dallas to Michigan... it made me realize there is a huge world out there... full of people like you or me. We are all struggling in our lives, some more so than others but the important thing is that we are not alone.

You are not alone.

You say you have no purpose to live, yet when you tried the plant-estrogens, you noted you were feeling better and you stopped hating the world as much as you did before. Can you remember that feeling? Hold onto it tightly because that good feeling is your path to a happy life (yes, Goth folks can be happy, too!).

Are you seeing a therapist? Are you seeing the endocrinologist?

Have you called the Callen-Lorde Center to see if they take Medicare or not? Is your appointment still booked for November 1st?

I wish you the best of luck. Support is always here for you. 

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on October 29, 2014, 03:30:14 AM
things are born and things die, the natural cycle of life. what makes me so special, what reason do i have to keep on going. sure i do have those i care about but that doesnt give me any reason. basically someone asked me to keep living and thus i said i'd try and force myself so that became my reason. its all about reason and consequences.

you aren't dead yet, so obviously you have some reason or other to live.
if you had no reason at all, why eat? why drink?
why care about the pain?
if there were no reason for you to stay alive, none at all, you wouldn't struggle so much.
you could just lie down and die.

but you are alive.
you still eat, you still drink.
you even breathe.
you feel pain because you can't see your reason, not because there is none.

why are you so desperate to live?

i'm still here because its just to troublesome to die. i dont want- to be here but i dont have a choice in the matter. there's no point. its easier just to wait, because waiting is all i ever do.

While you are waiting, you can continue your journey. There is no reason to be stuck in one place waiting when you have the ability to move forward.

Having no reasons to live and thinking how troublesome death will be, won't that have you walking endlessly in circles?

Staying in one place, unmoving and waiting for death, isn't that silly? You are an immortal vampire, are you not? Live like your life lasts for eternity with full of endless possibilities and excitement...!

Re-invent your identity, create a new life for yourself, skip town and start over anew. That's what vampires enjoy doing aside from feasting on blood, is it not? To enjoy the thrills and risk-taking of living an adventurous life?

i've been suicidal before.
experience says it doesn't pass, you'll have to make it go away.
experience also says that is possible to do.

no point in dying?
that's an interesting thought.

i heard this story from a guy about how how when he was young, the boys just kept talking about how something had to happen, something big and interesting like a world famous artist visiting their tiny little town or something.
he only realized after growing up and growing childish, how much more fun they would have had if only they'd done something to make things happen instead of just talking about it, as if their fun was someone else's responsibility.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgs.xkcd.com%2Fcomics%2Fnihilism.png&hash=cb65103309fee100550f3ed5f0b5cb69e4beed13)

i'm not suicidal; i'm far from it. suicide means you've given up. i havent given up, i just dont have a reason to live nor do i have any reason to die. ha, your right, maybe i should do a little re-invention again. today i'm switching my wireless service. maybe getting new stuff i never had before would cheer me up a little.

well just got on Verizon and got for the first time a tablet and one of the latest phones on the market. kinda feel OK because for the first time I got some I wanted.

Sorry I missed so many topics lately..

I really like what you wrote..
You're a very interesting person too, very nice to read all your posts..
:)

I don't think i 'm interesting in the least. I'm just plain and that's it. I m just a free thinker and ibsayvwhats on my mind unless I don't want people to know

i'm not interesting in the least. just a very common commoner.
but i'm interested, extremely interested, in almost everything, and that seems to make a difference.
some people think i'm interesting, but they're wrong. it's just the things i'm interested in, and all i have learned about them, that is interesting.
still a great way to get new acquaintances.

I guess I can try to be a little more socialible. its worth a thought, well at least that's what my therapist says

the more you experience that people don't bite your head off, the more comfortable will you feel among them.
doesn't mean you like being with just anyone, so try different things.
the bdsm community in the city where i studied turned out to be full of really nice people. i wish i could have spent more time with them.
even if some of them don't usually describe themselves as "nice"...

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on October 29, 2014, 12:02:45 PM
i'm not suicidal; i'm far from it. suicide means you've given up. i havent given up, i just dont have a reason to live nor do i have any reason to die. ha, your right, maybe i should do a little re-invention again. today i'm switching my wireless service. maybe getting new stuff i never had before would cheer me up a little.

On the contrary Brianna, not having or finding a reason means that you have given up and you could possibly be suicidal at some point. Just don't let yourself get to that point OK?

I like the poem. There is a reason right there. See if you can write about dark things and get them published. Try to write short stories and try to get them published and then tackle bigger projects. So you have a much bigger reason to live than what you may think. I think you have potential to be a good writer. Your already a good poet it seems. That is a good positive even if you write about negativity and darkness in life.

no worries, its just to much of a drag and troublesome so I won't get to the point of suicide. been there done that, it didn't work so why try it again. I just need to go back to school. taking a semester off has proved to be detrimental

taking a semester off only works if you can fill it with something meaningful.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on October 30, 2014, 08:40:43 AM
no worries, its just to much of a drag and troublesome so I won't get to the point of suicide. been there done that, it didn't work so why try it again. I just need to go back to school. taking a semester off has proved to be detrimental

Seriously Brianna, I have no Idea what you are majoring in school but maybe try writing classes. The poem was Bas A$$. I loved it. Wish there would have been more of it. Kind of like a Shakespeare. Writing I think you have a talent for especially darker stuff which I love.

Quote from: Taka on October 30, 2014, 08:56:38 AM
taking a semester off only works if you can fill it with something meaningful.

Wow, Taka. You are truly wise. And insightful.

thnx. I do enjoy writing. I've been told if I publish, I'd sell but idk if I'm that good or will ever be

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on October 30, 2014, 03:13:58 PM
thnx. I do enjoy writing. I've been told if I publish, I'd sell but idk if I'm that good or will ever be

Don't worry about if you sell or not. If people tell you you're good, unless they're your mom or dad, you probably are and just try to get something published. I thought it was a good poem and I know a little, just a little though. Don't doubt yourself. Actually, I take that back. Doubt yourself all you want but go and try it anyway. Do it for you. Not for fame. Not for fortune. just a release and if you make a living off of it, then good for you. Not everything is for the fortune and fame sweetie. Sometimes we do things because we enjoy it, sometimes because it is a relief, sometimes it is like draining and abscess and feels really good. If money is a secondary, than just go with it and count yourself lucky. But when it comes to creativity, never consider the money the number one priority. But your own sense of accomplishment. You know how many people write and want to get published? A lot. Work on it. I am so sure you can make that little poem go deeper and darker. Everything is a work in progress. Make it more hon and take us to hell with you. >:-) It had some power to it but please take me to hell with you. Add to it. Make it darker, more sinister. You are the driver and I'm just along for the ride.

It was a little short so is what I'm saying making much sense? You have potential. But take me to your hell and suffering. That is what a good author does. I tasted it but am hungry for just a little more. Make me really feel it. Make me suffer and feel your suffering. I mean. Edgar Allan Poe. We were the one that killed the buzzard looking old man and hid his remains under the floor and could hear his heartbeat when the Inspectors came to the house. We could all hear the heart beating driving us toward madness. In the Raven, we were all a little crazy and insane.

It was a really good poem, but take us a little deeper into your hell. Use it hon. You write really good and I personally think that is a good calling for you. I really enjoyed it but please take me deeper into the darkness. Build on it Brianna. It was a little vague and I absolutely don't want to ask any questions.

I want more. Give it hon. Build on it and let the vague be revealed. Comedy or tragedy? There is only these two in literature. How does your poem end? More please.

I could go even darker. I wrote many shorts stories that were darker than Edger Allan Pope, so I was told but I lost the passion to do so

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on October 30, 2014, 04:48:58 PM
I could go even darker. I wrote many shorts stories that were darker than Edger Allan Pope, so I was told but I lost the passion to do so

Wow! Post them please. Darker than Poe. I curtsy to you. I personally would love to tread them. Don't lose the passion Hon.

Brianna, we all have talents. What I read at the beginning of this post. I don't care much for poems unless it is something dark and sinister. But more please. PM the short stories to me if you want. or post them here. I will give you an honest opinion. If I think darkness then you know it is pretty good. If you can scare me, then I shall bow down to the princess or prince, whichever you prefer, of darkness and five you the horns. >:-) ;D

idk. maybe later. I had a very long day, and every muscle in my body is screaming at me since I barely had any food or water today. in terms of monarchy of darkness, I'm considered one of the seven kings. my sin is wrath, but can call me whatever

you want something dark than here's one.
there once was a girl. she went through life like normal. there was her ups and downs but nothing out of the ordinary, until the day it happened. one this day her life changed. she was walking down the street where she meet him. he looked ordinary but he held a dark secret. he walked up to her with such a sinister smile, it froze the soul. with one touch, she passed out with the last thing she sees his his evil smile. she wakes up somewhere becuz it didn't look like any building or room. "hello little bird. are you ready to sing?" he held a thin bladein his hand. "did you know if your careful, you can skin someone 3000x without killing them? oh the glory, the sweet sit. its a really turn on." that smile on his face became even more sinister. "let us begin the rehearsal my little bird. you will sing your greatest song in your greatest voice. it shall be glorious and magnificent." he places the blade on her skin and starts cutting. she screams so loud but it wasn't loud enough for him. "come on little bird. you could sing louder than that. sing for me and make it glorious." she tries to struggle but she couldn't escape. "I know what would be a good finale." he sits the skinless girl on a chair and place his hand on her chest. he than stabs his hand into her chest and pulls out her heart. it beats fast in his hand still pumping. she couldn't scream, she couldn't talk. the horror and terror in her eyes that was beyond human comprehension. "such a beautiful heart. so small and fragile." he place her heart close to his chest and huges it. than with a smile, a smile that made it look like his mouth was full of razor sharp teeth, he eats her heart in front of her. a fate worse than death just fell on her. he places a red rose on her corpse and whispers "I wish you the same happiness that you gave to me little bird. your song was beautiful and magnificent. I wish we had more time to spend together but I am still happy." he walks away, his evil laughter echoed to the deepest parts of the earth and shuck the skies. she rose up after 3 days. she became something evil. wings darker the darkness, ripped from the skin of her shoulder blades. the pain was nothimg . her skin formed back and horns torn threw the sides of her skull. her eyes became crimson blood red, and all who looks into them, their souls would burn away into nothingness. her anger so hot, getting even one soul mill with turn you into ash including your soul. she jumps into the night a. "all humans must die. I shall tear them apart until there's nothing left." she finds the man that killed her. he was shocked but smiled. "oh lookie here. the little bird sings again." she opens her eyes and stares him direct in the eyes. his body buckled, his limps began to bubble up, than finally, he exploded. blood and guts were all over the the placed. now this time, she was smiling

that's kind of dark. and a little bit gory.

maybe i could tell you about this dream i once had, before things had ended completely with my ex.
i was taking him around, showing him the different places that have defined me. like the grade school i went to.
playing there like children do, but in the midst of the game he became two. one good and one bad, not that any difference could be seen visually. it felt like i had to choose one of them, but then a choice was made for me. one shot the other, they'd been playing that kind of game, chasing each other, both seeking the right to live.
shocked to see my boyfriend fall, i also felt joy at knowing the evil one was the one left for me to choose.

well you wanted dark, so I gave you dark lol. I can also do happy but I'd feel weird since I haven't done them in awhile

Yep that was dark and I enjoyed it. Asked for it even.  But.. A little constructive criticism. Do a little research. The skin is the largest human organ. So a human can only be skinned one time. without skin she would  have died. If not skinning someone alive would make the n probably pass out or put them in shock. So maybe after he skinned her alive, she came back to consciousness with  the horns.  And then ...

This is the same thing an editor would do.

why do happy... unless it's killing zombies!
have you ever tried that? it's seriously fun.

can you do any darker?

Quote from: Taka on October 31, 2014, 02:12:00 AM
why do happy... unless it's killing zombies!
have you ever tried that? it's seriously fun.

can you do any darker?

UGH. Zombies are so overrated. You don't need zombies. Live humans still breathing are more scary and way darker than zombies. Live humans can get creative in the sadism, zombies just want to eat brains.

So sorry Taka but Zombies would probably starve to death nowadays. ;)

its very possible as long as you cut closer to the surface. or simple drown them in acid and that will eat away at their skin but its no fun. I'm a vampire so I have to fight zombies on a daily basis or and they aren't dumb and slow as you see on TV. the are more cunning than the oldest of vampires so even she needs to tread carefully. I can go as dark as I need to but everything has a price and that would cause me to have night terrors for a week depending on how far I go

you have dark nightmares?
i have dark and violent dreams, but they aren't nightmares. not for me at least.

Quote from: Jess42 on October 31, 2014, 02:19:02 AM
UGH. Zombies are so overrated. You don't need zombies. Live humans still breathing are more scary and way darker than zombies. Live humans can get creative in the sadism, zombies just want to eat brains.

So sorry Taka but Zombies would probably starve to death nowadays. ;)

i was talking about killing zombies for recreation. the best ones look like real people, so killing them is fun. (can't kill real people, as that would be considered murder).
i feel a little bit sorry for them though, existing only for our entertainment.

of course I have nightmares. its the price in have to pay. its not all bad sometimes. the worse part is, I remember or forced to remember but its whatever

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on October 31, 2014, 02:50:00 AM
of course I have nightmares. its the price in have to pay. its not all bad sometimes. the worse part is, I remember or forced to remember but its whatever

Ok so I may have some real "problems". I love nightmares. I don't know why but love them.


Now everyone can truly call me crazy. I'll own it.

Quote from: Jess42 on October 31, 2014, 02:55:16 AM
Ok so I may have some real "problems". I love nightmares. I don't know why but love them.


Now everyone can truly call me crazy. I'll own it.

why do you call them nightmares if you like them?

nightmares aren't pleasant and if you find them nice than your obviously having a dream. but all dreams are nightmares becuz its basically a reactment of something from your memory

Dreams can also be a hidden message from your subconscious warning you about something.

For example, I had several dreams of desiring a penis ever since I was 18 for four years. I would try to attach a dildo or a phallus-like object to my crotch area, even focusing my dream energy and will into that area so it would attach permanently in order for me to have intercourse. I am an experienced lucid dreamer but despite this, nearly 99.9% of the attempts to attach a penis to my body failed. It baffled me to no end because I knew (back then) I was a male, why was it not attaching...?

When I came out as non-binary, more specifically agender and my desire to be sexless, those dreams suddenly made sense. Thinking back on those dreams, I didn't have a vagina in them either. The penis refusing to attach was my subconscious way of telling me that I do not desire a male body for sex, even I convince myself I want to. Either that or my subconscious could have been a troll.

i've never tried lucid dreaming a penis. my dreams are so rarely lucid there isn't much of a point...
but i have dreamed that i had a fully functional one attached, and it didn't feel bad at all.

if dreams are reenacting my past... i must have been a serious mass murderee in a previous life that i can't remember.

I bring things back from the dark shores of dreaming, fragile seeds of memory that sometimes take root in the light.

I wish to forget rather than remember. memory just brings more harm than it does good. I don't attach becuz all good things end in an instant and its so easy to slip and lose everything.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9v4npdiD3s

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on October 31, 2014, 03:03:06 PM
I wish to forget rather than remember. memory just brings more harm than it does good. I don't attach becuz all good things end in an instant and its so easy to slip and lose everything.

Because good things in our lives end sometimes, is a weak reason not to find meaning in anything...

Life is what you make of it, it can become what you choose, just as it can be empty of meaning if you choose nothing for yourself..

Everyone here cares for you, is wanting to say anything and everything to try and help you feel happy and worthwhile, and you only see some of us still with suspicion and indifference..

Maybe in real life you see everyone as out to hurt you, but here in this place, we are not..

Sorry for my bluntness...

life is indeed what you make of it. you choose to be happy or miserable because of free will. i'm not even going to say however or but than go into detail.

the heart that cries in the night
the heart that screams with fright

the heart that sings all day in pain
the hearts painted with blood stain

the heart the tries to smile and laugh
the heart that is split in half

the heart filled with nothing but regret
the heart that wants the world to reset

the heart looks at the moon and weeps
soon the heart will finally go to sleep

My heart feels split in half many times...

I wish sometimes the world would reset..

The world will always be better..
With you in it now and forever..

:icon_flower:

trying to make a hicu? lol

lets play a game. i'll ask a question and you answer, than i'll tell you what spot you landed at. its like a board game.
first question: there is a blue and red door. which door do you enter? you can only go through one

i don't have a fireproof suit, so i take a deep breath and walk through that blue door.
let's hope there's only water on the other side.

I would pick neither but that doesn't appear to be a choice. I will walk through the red door.

The question is, which door would you walk through, Brianna? 

i'd walk through the black door if that was a choice. the green and purple ones also look tempting though...

 ;D okay.... Blue door.!

What's a hicu.?  :D

A haiku is a form of Japanese poetry.

Can I just burn down the doors and curl up to sleep in the warm embers? I hate making decisions.

*piles up firewood in front of the doors*
i hope there's not a very dry forest behind there.

If anyone wants to choose a door I'd hurry up. Also bare in mind it could be a one way trip

A one-way trip? That sounds terrifying.

I do not know what is on either end of both doors, I cannot make a decision if I do not know what one-way trip I am making.

I take back my answer. My original gut feeling was pick neither door and I shall stick to it.

 

i wouldn't necessarily hate a one-way trip to neverending darkness. seikima-ii made that sound really nice.

was choosing from the assumption that this might be something like that old fairy tale.
a guy's on his way home through the woods, probably been to the market of something.
of course this trip will last more than just a day, and just as he is about to give up on walking home though the night, he sees a light in a distance.
it's an inn, he sees when he gets closer, and the folks who are staying there invite him in to a party they're holding.
he doesn't need to pay anything, they're pretty nice people, and the more the merrier. right?
but when the night comes, he does have to choose which one of the spare beds to sleep in. the red or the blue, is the question.
and he chooses the blue one.
lucky for him, it turns out.
the morning after, he wakes up half soaked in a pond, right beside a still smoldering fireplace.
guess what the red bed was...

Follow the sound of the faery reel, through the green gate that leads under the hill. Dance in the light of summers long forgotten, but be wary of the one who would steal your heart, as the moons rise over hills with names long forgotten. Follow the thread of sky blue home. You will wake on the green sward, with a sore head, remebering and wondering if last night your were whiskey fed or piskie led.

no doors!
that's great. i wouldn't mind going a place without doors.
for some reason, it seems that remembering your own name is what will keep your identity intact when spirited away.
nobody holds power over someone who owns their own name.

that's something to think about for us enbies, don't you think?

today, I was sitting in a room. around me there was laughing and joking and all those things people do when they know each other. I was sitting in the back, silent and looking at my phone, turning it on and off, putting it in my pocket than taking it out again. I don't mind it, but something loneliness does eat at you. even someone like me gets tired of being alone and having no one to talk to. the shadow in the room that everyone sees but just ignores which hurts worse than being invisible

You've got me now....  :icon_2gun:

it helps to some degree so I thank you but that's not what I mean at all

I'm just not good at this stuff.?
I can't tell if you're being literal, or metaphorical, etc, and sometimes don't even know what that means..?

Not just you, everybody..? Ya know how it feels to be a 6 year old in a room full of college students.? That's me most of the time..