Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone,

I'm 20 years old and I've identified as gay since I was 15 I think. For a while I identified as butch but I stopped doing that because I felt that I didn't look the part (because of my mom that tries as best as she can to make me be as feminine as she can possibly make me be). I'd never really considered ->-bleeped-<-/transsexuality as an option until several weeks ago, and haven't considered it seriously until a couple of weeks ago and had an unusually strong emotional response to the thought. I do remember that when I first heard about it, my mom was on the phone talking to a friend about a person that was intersex, undergone surgery and started identifying as the opposite sex and I remember wishing I was that person. This incident probably happened late in middle school or even early in high school.

I've never felt like I fit in anywhere, never really made close friendships, always felt like I didn't belong. I feel socially awkward and incompetent most of the time. But I don't ever remember feeling like I wanted to be a boy when I was a kid. I know I played with toy cars and didn't like dolls, but I don't think that says much on its own. This scares me because as I've started reading up on being transgender, knowing since childhood seems to be the overarching theme.

Somehow along the way I've managed to adopt male mannerisms which I think is weird because there was never a strong male presence during my childhood or as I was growing up. As a Muslim Arab I've spent most of my life around females, which makes me wonder where I get the way I act from. I don't think there's anything that's stereotypically feminine that I like.

Another thing that confuses me is that over the past year I've concluded that I'm asexual. A friend of mine suggested this jokingly when she pointed out the fact that I'm utterly oblivious to the mention of sex and apparently have no sex drive at all. I thought about it and realized it very much could be true: I've had someone I had a huge crush on me tell me they want to have sex and all I did was brush it off every time they said that. Now I'm wondering whether this might have anything with me (possibly) being trans. Or that I'm both trans and ace, who knows.

Also, I gather that dislike of one's reproductive organs is inherent to being trans. I'm kind of indifferent, and probably averse to male organs. I mentioned this to a therapist I saw a couple of days ago and his conclusion to what I said (along with everything else I mentioned) was that I was probably a lesbian (I hate this word) that likes to dress as a guy (which I don't really do because of my mom but I'd love to). He did tell me that I need to explore my sexuality to be able to figure myself out (which is something I'm disinclined to do because, well.. I'm not interested in sex). I've never been in a relationship before. Would this be an important thing to explore, you think?

I've typed out way too much I think so, yeah this is me. I don't wanna go by my name at the moment, although I do like it and I've recently discovered that it was originally a male name.

Decided to come here in hope that this place will help clear things out for me. I can't stand having to act the way my mom wants me to now, not now that I've had this recent revelation that "I'm not who I am." I started binding last week and it makes me feel great. I have to revert back to being "normal" over the weekends when I'm back home from college though, which sucks.

I'll quit ranting now, but I'm glad this place exists.

Hello darkblade,

Welcome to Susan's! This is a great place to start sorting through the conflicting thoughts and emotions you describe. Take your time - you don't have to figure out everything all at once.

First of all, only you can decide whether you identify as trans*. So I'm not entirely sure your therapist really the right type - they should support you in getting some clarity concerning your feelings and identity, but they cannot tell you how you should identify.

I can relate to much of what you write - I definitely looked and acted boyish as a child, but don't remember having the explicit thought/wish to be a boy. At this point, I have a lot of dysphoria relating to my upper half, but don't mind what's below the belt too much at the moment. Regardless of this I have come to the conclusion that I'm trans. No doubts there.

Also, sexuality and gender identity are independent of each other. So you could perfectly well be trans and asexual. But of course, being trans can cause quite conflicting feelings when it comes to sexuality... Not feeling at home in your body can really mess up a lot there.

Welcome! Your experiences with feeling different but not associated with wanting to be specifically a boy sound pretty familiar to me. I know the feeling of research all showing up things like knowing from very early on is the norm, but I'm learning that everyone goes through this differently, starting at different times, responding to different triggers and with different end goals.

Good luck with finding your way to your truth ;)

J.

Hi Darkblade, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Thanks for letting us get to know you. You're going to love it here, see you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Hello Darkblade
the big warm welcome to Susan's place. There are many people here going through and have gone through the same things that you have. I know exactly how you feel, there is a vast amount of knowledge here on the forums. Everything is right at your fingertips, so pull up a chair, relax and let your fingers do the walking. I do agree with a couple of the posts where I'm not sure you see in the right type of therapist they should be helping you work through what you're feeling, and not trying to put a label on you. Maybe switching to a gender therapist would be beneficial for you. I wish you nothing but the best of luck on your journey, and may the Angels always look upon you and help guide you on your path. A global moderator should be by soon to give you the site rules.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

Hi DB,

I am totally right with you on the "played with X as a kid, but does that make me trans?" thought train. I never enjoyed playing with dolls, unless it was to steal them and... I guess mutilate would be a good word!

Don't rush into stuff, but definitely get a better therapist. That one sounds rather close-minded to your needs!

See you around the site.

Thanks for the welcome guys.

I have a (videoconferencing) appointment with another therapist next week, so we'll see how that goes. Still seeing the therapist I've been seeing for 2 months but she's not very experienced with gender issues. I only saw that therapist I mentioned once, and I didn't quite like him either.

Lori, the only memory of playing with dolls was that I used to steal my sister's and cut up their clothes, hair and behead them (I think)! Haha.

This is all very weird and confusing. How long does it take people to figure this out? I feel like after 20 days of brooding over this I should be less, not more, confused? I think something else every few hours.

I think the best way to put the way I feel right now is that I really want to be trans. I want to, want to be a guy. Does that make sense? It's weird because I think most ftm feel like they are guys?

Quote from: darkblade on November 05, 2014, 11:13:27 PM.

This is all very weird and confusing. How long does it take people to figure this out? I feel like after 20 days of brooding over this I should be less, not more, confused? I think something else every few hours.

I think the best way to put the way I feel right now is that I really want to be trans. I want to, want to be a guy. Does that make sense? It's weird because I think most ftm feel like they are guys?

It took me a good three, four month to go from knowing that I wasn't  a girl "really" to identifying as non-binary to identifying as ftm. What helped me gain clarity is discussing with others, especially with friends, and also with folks here.

I still have a hard time seeing myself as a guy. If I focus on my inside, I know that's what I am, but then what gets in the way is that I know how others see me (skinny woman with too big guys' clothes sums it up I suppose) - I somehow superimpose that image over my own perception of myself. I can't describe this very well... Anyway, I think I understand what you mean.

Fingers crossed for the consult! [emoji4]

Hi Darkblade and here's a BIG welcome to Susan's! Really happy that you've joined our large and evergrowing family.

Welcome to Susan's, Darkblade.

:)

Thanks guys :)