Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I keep going back and forth on this when analyzing myself. I am not looking for validation. I would just like to figure myself out, and I think (or hope) that you all can provide some great insight.

Reasons I might be trans:

1. Being called 'dude', 'man', or 'bro' has always been really off-putting to me, but I never knew why. It always feels really annoying and stupid, and I cannot stand being around guys (or girls) who treat me like that.

2. In the same vein, I have a really difficult time relating to guys period. I have a much easier time relating to and being friends with women (and I guess gay men as well).

3. I have spent a lot of time thinking about being able to wear women's clothes, and at one point I did purchase a bunch of them along with hip/breast forms and tried cross-dressing in private (I would never do it in public). I just felt disappointed with what I saw in the mirror though, and I have thrown it all away and currently own nothing cross-dresser related. If I ever get my own place again, I am definitely going to go all out.

4. I really hate having to be stoic and show a limited range of emotions. Because of how people have treated me in the past, I now show very little emotion to most people because I do not feel like I can really express myself without people hating me.

5. I have been depressed since I was like 11, and I have experienced a huge amount of social phobia as well.

6. People have often criticized me for not being properly masculine. This has to do with a million little things that are sometimes difficult to pin down. Like, people have criticized how I stand and sit, my use of hand gestures, my voice, my hair, and how I acted in many situations. I have to police myself. Or more often, I just avoid social situations.

7. I used to really hate my body. I'm not sure if it was body dysphoria or not though.

8. There have been a lot of times when I wanted feminine things or subconsciously identified with something that was directed at women.

Reasons I might not be trans:

1. I might have just made this all up in an attempt to explain my depression. I have mistakenly thought I was things in the past. I thought I was bipolar for a long time, but I'm probably not (and my therapist told me I'm not).

2. I don't hate my body as much anymore. I used to hate everything about it and thought obsessively about it for a long time, especially when I was really going through puberty in high school. Now, I'll be 25 soon, and I have mostly made peace with it. I mean, I don't think much about it. So if I don't experience strong, persistent body dysphoria, I don't see how I could be trans. I feel ugly, but that isn't the same.

3. I'm turned on by fetish activity. So this could all just be a result of that. Its hard to sort out because it seems like the female gender role has been hyper-sexualized in our society.

4. I've worked hard to succeed as a male, and I feel really horrible that I am not succeeding as one really. I feel completely worthless every day because I did not choose a career path that was more masculine (i.e. engineering). I hate that I couldn't enjoy having guy friends even when I lived with them. I guess I just hate myself for having these sorts of feelings and being this way. I feel disgusting. I often wish that I could enjoy being male more, but I don't.

5. I think it is insulting to my mother and sisters to think it is even possible that I'm trans. It just feels impossible for me.

6. I'm not really interested in transitioning. The main reasons for that are that it is very expensive, I hate doctors and especially surgeries, and I know I wouldn't pass. And I don't even know if it is what I would really want.

7. Whatever feminine essence is exactly, I'm not sure that I always had it. I think I was a stereotypical little boy in a lot of ways. I definitely didn't always know, and I don't remember wanting to be a woman when I was a kid really.

I know that you all can't tell me what label I should use or what I am exactly, and I'm sure most of you think labels aren't that important in the first place. What I'm looking for is more whether or not I should be on these forums at all, and if yes, what should I do (besides going to see a gender therapist) to help me understand and/or deal with this.

Thank you for any advice.

Quote from: Mara on November 05, 2014, 04:49:13 PM

Reasons I might not be trans:

1. I might have just made this all up in an attempt to explain my depression. I have mistakenly thought I was things in the past. I thought I was bipolar for a long time, but I'm probably not (and my therapist told me I'm not).

I can relate in a lot of ways. I think I'm FTM. but that first reason up there in the quote... that is something I feel all the time. "is this just an escape because I hate my true self!?" I still dont know the answer to that one. I have moments where my gut reaction is that I really am FTM but then I have other fleeting moments that are the opposite.
as for thinking you aren't trans because of what other people might feel or think... I don't think that is a reason why you may not be trans. You really have to remove yourself from context. I try laying in bed and telling myself, if I was born brand new where no one else mattered, what would I want? It is hard to accept something that will affect those around you but you have to be true to yourself. Even if its just to admit it and you never followed through with it, you would still be who you are despite how you decide to look. for example, even if I accept the fact that I am FTM I may not chose to transition because I have children. I would still be transgender, but I wouldn't change my body. That is my personal thought and opinion.
I can't offer you many answers because I'm questioning my own gender identity. I'm so confused. But I can tell you that you are not alone and there are a lot of other people who are in a similar situation.

I also never hated my body, never felt female, have fetishist fantasies, but I am totally trans. Cisgender people pretty much never question their gender.

It's totally normal to question yourself about these things. It might be worth taking a step back, write all those pros and cons down and specifically address each of them from the other side.

Think about what each of those cons might really mean if true, and then what you'd say to counter the gremlin that came up with each one if it's not, maybe see which one feels closer to the truth. It might be a mix. There doesn't have to be a binary! And this is huge. There'd honestly be more to worry about if you WERE completely sure without question at first... or ever, possibly.

Well, here's my blunt opinion. Not that you have to listen.  ;)

Your reasons you might be trans all sound like strong reasons, and ones that I've heard on these forums a thousand times. Your reasons you might NOT be trans sound like excuses.

Quote from: Gothic Dandy Luca on November 05, 2014, 06:15:54 PM
Well, here's my blunt opinion. Not that you have to listen.  ;)

Your reasons you might be trans all sound like strong reasons, and ones that I've heard on these forums a thousand times. Your reasons you might NOT be trans sound like excuses.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I just don't feel like I'm overflowing with whatever it is that makes it obvious that I am trans. At the same time, I feel like these feelings, whatever they are, have made me very depressed and caused a lot of suffering for years and years. They're something I can't ignore, but I'm not sure that means I should go see a therapist to get approved for hormones.

Quote from: samblack on November 05, 2014, 05:00:15 PM
I can relate in a lot of ways. I think I'm FTM. but that first reason up there in the quote... that is something I feel all the time. "is this just an escape because I hate my true self!?" I still dont know the answer to that one. I have moments where my gut reaction is that I really am FTM but then I have other fleeting moments that are the opposite.
as for thinking you aren't trans because of what other people might feel or think... I don't think that is a reason why you may not be trans. You really have to remove yourself from context. I try laying in bed and telling myself, if I was born brand new where no one else mattered, what would I want? It is hard to accept something that will affect those around you but you have to be true to yourself. Even if its just to admit it and you never followed through with it, you would still be who you are despite how you decide to look. for example, even if I accept the fact that I am FTM I may not chose to transition because I have children. I would still be transgender, but I wouldn't change my body. That is my personal thought and opinion.
I can't offer you many answers because I'm questioning my own gender identity. I'm so confused. But I can tell you that you are not alone and there are a lot of other people who are in a similar situation.

Thank you Sam. It is good to know I'm not alone.

It is really hard to answer if I would be happier being born with a female body instead. I feel like I will never find happiness no matter what. And I guess I'm having trouble thinking of that because I guess that would make me a lesbian then?

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 05, 2014, 05:18:14 PM
I also never hated my body, never felt female, have fetishist fantasies, but I am totally trans. Cisgender people pretty much never question their gender.

How did you figure out that you are trans? If you don't mind sharing.

I think I'm only questioning my gender though because I found out that it is possible to question it via sites like this. For years, I have thought of myself as having a brain that was more female than male, but I didn't make the leap to questioning gender until a few months ago when I read stuff online.

Quote from: PucksWaywardSon on November 05, 2014, 05:43:13 PM


It's totally normal to question yourself about these things. It might be worth taking a step back, write all those pros and cons down and specifically address each of them from the other side.

Think about what each of those cons might really mean if true, and then what you'd say to counter the gremlin that came up with each one if it's not, maybe see which one feels closer to the truth. It might be a mix. There doesn't have to be a binary! And this is huge. There'd honestly be more to worry about if you WERE completely sure without question at first... or ever, possibly.

If the cons are true, I suppose it means that I would continue living as male, which I am almost definitely going to do anyway even if they aren't true and I would be better off transitioning.





I would probably be best off in a sort of 3rd gender for feminine males that allowed for a great degree of gender fluidity. Several societies have a third gender or had them in the past. Reading about them is what made me realize there might be something to my feelings. But, those don't exist here. We're stuck with the binary. So I feel stuck as male. I would like to just bury these feelings and not have to worry about them any more because, if that is what I am, then there is no solution for me.

If you even think you might be trans it is time for a Therapist preferably with gender experience. I have read literally hundreds of post's like yours. Guess what? Non trans people do not think about this stuff at all. You need to talk to a professional at this point. By the way, we do not transition to pass, we transition to live.  :)

PS- I tried to bury my feelings for 40 years. Eventually it wears you down to where action is required.

Listen, I'm not a wizard of gender (a mildly talented sorceress at BEST), but what you're saying sounds very, very similar to some of the things that were going through my mind.  I can't tell you where to go from here, but I will say this-you probably are trans if you're experiencing all of these symptoms.  I mean, you posted here, did you not?  And hey, body dysphoria shows itself in odd ways.  I didn't think I had any of it at all all, until I started transitioning...after that, everything sort of fell into place, and a lot of what I'd been suppressing came to surface.

And hey, if you'd like absolutely send me an email (address is by my profile)...all of this sounds very familiar, and if you'd like to chat about this stuff, I'm absolutely happy to help...

Quote from: Mara on November 05, 2014, 04:49:13 PM
I keep going back and forth on this when analyzing myself. I am not looking for validation. I would just like to figure myself out, and I think (or hope) that you all can provide some great insight.

Reasons I might be trans:

1. Being called 'dude', 'man', or 'bro' has always been really off-putting to me, but I never knew why. It always feels really annoying and stupid, and I cannot stand being around guys (or girls) who treat me like that.

2. In the same vein, I have a really difficult time relating to guys period. I have a much easier time relating to and being friends with women (and I guess gay men as well).

3. I have spent a lot of time thinking about being able to wear women's clothes, and at one point I did purchase a bunch of them along with hip/breast forms and tried cross-dressing in private (I would never do it in public). I just felt disappointed with what I saw in the mirror though, and I have thrown it all away and currently own nothing cross-dresser related. If I ever get my own place again, I am definitely going to go all out.

4. I really hate having to be stoic and show a limited range of emotions. Because of how people have treated me in the past, I now show very little emotion to most people because I do not feel like I can really express myself without people hating me.

5. I have been depressed since I was like 11, and I have experienced a huge amount of social phobia as well.

6. People have often criticized me for not being properly masculine. This has to do with a million little things that are sometimes difficult to pin down. Like, people have criticized how I stand and sit, my use of hand gestures, my voice, my hair, and how I acted in many situations. I have to police myself. Or more often, I just avoid social situations.

7. I used to really hate my body. I'm not sure if it was body dysphoria or not though.

8. There have been a lot of times when I wanted feminine things or subconsciously identified with something that was directed at women.

Reasons I might not be trans:

1. I might have just made this all up in an attempt to explain my depression. I have mistakenly thought I was things in the past. I thought I was bipolar for a long time, but I'm probably not (and my therapist told me I'm not).

2. I don't hate my body as much anymore. I used to hate everything about it and thought obsessively about it for a long time, especially when I was really going through puberty in high school. Now, I'll be 25 soon, and I have mostly made peace with it. I mean, I don't think much about it. So if I don't experience strong, persistent body dysphoria, I don't see how I could be trans. I feel ugly, but that isn't the same.

3. I'm turned on by fetish activity. So this could all just be a result of that. Its hard to sort out because it seems like the female gender role has been hyper-sexualized in our society.

4. I've worked hard to succeed as a male, and I feel really horrible that I am not succeeding as one really. I feel completely worthless every day because I did not choose a career path that was more masculine (i.e. engineering). I hate that I couldn't enjoy having guy friends even when I lived with them. I guess I just hate myself for having these sorts of feelings and being this way. I feel disgusting. I often wish that I could enjoy being male more, but I don't.

5. I think it is insulting to my mother and sisters to think it is even possible that I'm trans. It just feels impossible for me.

6. I'm not really interested in transitioning. The main reasons for that are that it is very expensive, I hate doctors and especially surgeries, and I know I wouldn't pass. And I don't even know if it is what I would really want.

7. Whatever feminine essence is exactly, I'm not sure that I always had it. I think I was a stereotypical little boy in a lot of ways. I definitely didn't always know, and I don't remember wanting to be a woman when I was a kid really.

I know that you all can't tell me what label I should use or what I am exactly, and I'm sure most of you think labels aren't that important in the first place. What I'm looking for is more whether or not I should be on these forums at all, and if yes, what should I do (besides going to see a gender therapist) to help me understand and/or deal with this.

Thank you for any advice.

Hello, even as late as last summer, I felt A LOT of what you've delineated in your post.  Honestly, I've come to the conclusion within myself that the most prominent symptom that you might be trans is feeling like you might be trans.  Seriously, there are a myriad of reasons that someone can feel trans, in my opinion, and absolutely none of them are inferior in respect to the others.  I think that, for some, it's purely biological: something they've felt within themselves as early as they can possibly remember.  For others, maybe components of it are biological, in that they just subconsciously think and act more feminine than masculine -- and are consequently more likely to feel overwhelmingly out of place after living in this society for so long.  And maybe for others, it *is* fetishistic, but does that fetish make them any less deserving of being who they really are? Is that fetish, as some might say, the cause for feeling trans? Maybe the fetish is a just result of feeling so out-of-place; what I'm trying to get at is that whether or not you're "really" trans is a hella complex issue.  I'll share why my story is similar to yours:

See, I turn 21-years-old later this month, and I remember, at the age of about 6, having these intense desires to become physically female.  I have no idea whatsoever what caused these feelings, as I didn't really even know the differences between males and females in regards to their roles in society, or even a lot of their anatomy.  I just felt more female than male, and so, I'd dress up here and there as a female -- in secret of course, just because it made me feel more comfortable with myself.  But, at the same time, I'd get erections while doing so (at that age, you're obviously not driven by sex, and I didn't even have the slightest clue what erections meant), so things get really hard to sort out for me here.

Throughout my school years, the feelings subsided much more than they persisted; hell, I didn't even know you could actually change genders until I was a freshman in college (and, of course, that's where things got REALLY difficult for me).  But, nonetheless, I was extremely socially awkward, very feminine-acting, and I also felt really out of place for many years.  As I approached late high school (keep in mind, I still didn't know what "transgender" meant), I started inherently acting even *more* feminine than before.  I started doing feminine things, acting super feminine in relationships/friendships, and also started to hate my body (even though I had a very athletic build that many of my peers would have killed for).  I'm going to cut this already-too-long post short by fast-forwarding to my freshman year of college, where I learned what "transgender" meant; this is where I acknowledged that being female is essentially what I've wanted to do all along.  I'd try to push the feelings away, but only succeed for a span of days; then they'd come back even stronger.  It got to the point that I couldn't correctly function -- in almost any way that you can think of -- without giving in and embarking on my journey of aligning my appearance with the visceral me.

None of what I mentioned above is exactly "typical" per se, but the feeling that I'm trans has been eating away at me to the point that it eventually engulfed me, so maybe that's how you know: Whenever you feel like you can't get your mind off of it.  It's not normal.

Quote from: Mara on November 05, 2014, 04:49:13 PM
I keep going back and forth on this when analyzing myself. I am not looking for validation. I would just like to figure myself out, and I think (or hope) that you all can provide some great insight.

Reasons I might be trans:

3. I have spent a lot of time thinking about being able to wear women's clothes, and at one point I did purchase a bunch of them along with hip/breast forms and tried cross-dressing in private (I would never do it in public). I just felt disappointed with what I saw in the mirror though, and I have thrown it all away and currently own nothing cross-dresser related. If I ever get my own place again, I am definitely going to go all out.

Also, I'm two months into male-to-female HRT, and I've seen drastic changes in respect to my appearance.  I mention this because last summer, I cross-dressed myself once -- just to see if maybe it's too late for me to transition and pass -- and I was incredibly disappointed with what I saw in the mirror.  I was way too muscular (in my opinion), my skin was too oily and rough looking, and I thought that my face was too masculine.  But now, at two months in, I've lost 30 pounds of muscle (this is extreme, by the way....I've stripped my diet of most of its protein lol), my skin is glowy and feminine, and my face looks much more feminine in spite of me being skinnier than before.  HRT has even altered my appearance to the point that people at my part-time job that I started working at recently, after I took six-month "break", still do not know who the heck I am -- and they used to chat with me every day.  Moreover, this guy who served me yesterday at my college's dining court either "ma'am'd" me or said, "What all would you like on that, (awkward two-second pause), man?" LOL.

There are other drastic changes, but my point is: If you come upon the decision to transition, do not let what you currently see get in the way.  Essentially, you're stripping the male off of a skeleton and replacing it with a female, through undergoing HRT.   And, at the same time, don't feel like exploring your sexual desires, by "going all-out", for example, is something to be ashamed of.  It's very common, and using cross-dressing as an avenue to quench sexual thirst is something that even I have done before.

Quote from: Mara on November 05, 2014, 04:49:13 PM

4. I've worked hard to succeed as a male, and I feel really horrible that I am not succeeding as one really. I feel completely worthless every day because I did not choose a career path that was more masculine (i.e. engineering). I hate that I couldn't enjoy having guy friends even when I lived with them. I guess I just hate myself for having these sorts of feelings and being this way. I feel disgusting. I often wish that I could enjoy being male more, but I don't.

Also, based on this alone, I recommend messaging me if you ever need someone to talk to.  I can relate all too well.  See, I remember my senior year of high school being super stressful because I knew that the colleges I'd get accepted into would, in many ways, determine how successful I'd be as an adult.  I knew that if I wanted to be a respected male, not only did I have to be good-looking, like I already was, but I also had to pursue a "worthy" career one day so that worthwhile women would want me someday (since, of course, I lacked any extroversion/confidence/masculinity whatsoever).  Consequently, even though I'm like the biggest poetic, language-oriented person I've ever met, I'd try really hard to work my way through college majors that didn't suit me at all (e.g.: computer science, engineering) just so I could fit into society's mold of a real man by one day landing an amazing job. 

The way  I see it: Society obviously makes it hard for people who, internally, are not male to live life as a successful male.  Males are expected to be successful, to act like pigs, to treat women like meat, to make money, to be confident, to not express emotion, etc., etc., etc.  If that's not you, then what does society make you feel like? They make you feel like you're sub-par (same goes for women who aren't what society deems as "feminine").

The bottom line: Be you. Absolutely do whatever it takes to be you, and I promise that happiness and self-security will arrive.

Quote from: Mara on November 07, 2014, 01:21:24 AM
How did you figure out that you are trans? If you don't mind sharing.

Don't mind at all. That's why we're here.

I've always wanted to be a woman. At a counselor's suggestion, I started going out dressed and presenting as a female. I did this in several social situations, including a trans-inclusive all-female reading group and a divorced and separated support group. Being female felt "right". It got to the point that returning to my male regular life seemed onerous and drab.

My therapist is very much an  advocate of not trying to label myself, but instead figuring out how I want to live. That made the question a lot easier, because once I knew I wanted to live as a woman, it really didn't matter whether I was trans, MtF, non-binary, etc.

Does that help?

Mara, you forgot reason 9 that you might be trans:  You came to this specific site looking for answers.  People who aren't trans don't usually come to transgender support sites and ask questions. ;)

That all said though... questioning is a big thing. How you end up defining what Trans* means to you is something that only you can answer. Maybe it's not going to end up being the right word that you want to label yourself with.

Ultimately figuring out what you need to do in general to be happy, rather than what label you want to use, is probably the more important question. Labels are useful for telling other people about yourself, but are kinda crap at telling yourself who you are. (I really need to take my own advice on this, so I'm well aware it probably sounds a bit fluffy and unachievable)

Have you talked about this with your therapist? That's usually the first thing people suggest and for good reason.
Personally, I'd also suggest trying to get other people's opinions and stereotypes out of your head. Ignore "masculine" and "feminine" for awhile or whether you're "too much" of one or the other. If you could live as whoever you want to be without criticism or judgement, who would you be? Who do you want to be? For me, things became a lot clearly once I figured out who I am and who I want to be regardless of what other people think about it.

Quote from: Brenda E on November 07, 2014, 06:55:55 AM
Mara, you forgot reason 9 that you might be trans:  You came to this specific site looking for answers.  People who aren't trans don't usually come to transgender support sites and ask questions. ;)

Do non-trans people not ever question their gender? Curious at some point?

Quote from: ToniR on November 07, 2014, 07:58:52 AM
Do non-trans people not ever question their gender? Curious at some point?

No. They pretty much don't.

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 07, 2014, 08:58:32 AM
No. They pretty much don't.

^ This is correct ^

Questioning gender - at least in more than a passing fashion - tends to be a uniquely trans thing to do.

Actually, I know a few cis people who questioned their gender for awhile and then came to the conclusion that they are cis. I think it would be very rude to tell them that they are actually trans just because they considered it.

Quote from: Edge on November 07, 2014, 12:09:12 PM
Actually, I know a few cis people who questioned their gender for awhile and then came to the conclusion that they are cis. I think it would be very rude to tell them that they are actually trans just because they considered it.

I'm sure almost everyone has at some point wondered, "Hmmm, I wonder what it's like to be a girl/boy?"  But that's far different from a protracted, nagging worry that one might not be in the correct gender, culminating in actually coming to sites like this and laying everything out on the table.  Just my opinion, of course, but cis people rarely - if ever - genuinely question their genders.  Casual speculation in an idle moment, maybe.  But thoughts that don't disappear in a short period of time?

Ok. Let me rephrase that so it's spelled out for people who like to make assumptions about people they never met. I know some cis people who went through a prolonged period of time where they worried they might be a different gender culminating in coming onto sites like this (although not necessarily this one), laying everything on the table including at least one person who mentioned something about it to his parents. They eventually came to the conclusion that they are, in fact, cis.
You want to go to these people and tell them that they're wrong about themselves and/or that their experiences were just "idle questioning in the moment?" Sorry, but that's pretty darn hypocritical and rude.

Calm down, Edge.  There are obviously exceptions to the general rule, but exceptions don't invalidate generalities (and nor do they insult those who are the exceptions).  Cis people rarely come here asking whether they're trans; gender is so fundamentally ingrained in the minds of cis people that it's not even on their radar, ever.  Their gender is just a non-issue.  Questioning gender is just one of many signs that one might be trans.  Definitive?  Of course not.  Indicative?  Absolutely.  Not really in a mood to argue about this, so we'll have to agree to disagree.

Whether you're trans or not is only for you to decide.  Many people here have given great advice and suggestions. Making sense of their ideas and your own ideas about what and who you are is only a conclusion you can come to. The acceptance of being trans should never define your individuality. Coming to a website like this one is a big step and as I found personally after years of semi lurking from time to time and eventually joining meant something to me and helped me make my own personal conclusions.

I concluded that I need to seek therapy, as others have suggested, this is probably the best step you can take in sorting out the adventure/mess that lies ahead for you.

Best wishes in your endeavors and good luck.

Whoever and whatever you are, making the choice to speak here took a lot of strength and courage. Applaud your self for at least making the step to speak to others who may or may not share your dilemma.

Best Regards,

Amelia

I just had 2/3 a bottle of wine. Yes, I am transgender. I really don't want to admit it because I don't want to deal with it. I feel disgusting and like this has completely ruined my life. I have nothing to look forward to.

I will be 25 soon, so I feel like there is not much hope for me. It is too late to effectively transition. I know some people can do it at 25 or even later, but my body and face are too definitively masculine to pull it off.

Also, I'm sorry if this is the case, but I still feel like this might just be something I made up in my mind for whatever reason. It doesn't feel real. Like, how could God and nature mess up so bad?

Mara, honey . . . well, first of all, congratulations and a giant hug!

You have everything to look forward to!  It might seem like the end of the world, but I promise - genuinely promise - that life will begin to get better.  You'll have your ups and downs (and plenty of downs, but the ups are so awesome that it's sooo worth it), and we're all here to help in any way we possibly can.

Many of us still wonder whether this is just in our heads, that we've made it all up and we're being misled by our feelings.  It's good to be uncertain at times; it makes us really think about who we are and whether we're making the right choices.  I was only last week talking to my therapist about whether I was just a crazy person pretending to be trans.  (Answer - no, and it's a very common doubt.)

Even if you're still unsure, give yourself permission to experiment a little.  Assume that you are trans and go from there.  Grow out your hair.  Change your style.  Start playing with makeup and clothing.  Talk to a therapist.  Nobody - I mean nobody - will ever have to find out, and you can see whether those kinds of things bring you some relief.  It's not as if you have to tell the whole world tomorrow morning that you're trans.  You have so much time to get things ready behind the scenes, so much time to practice and figure out in your mind that you truly are transgender, and there's no rush to do anything.  But please, do something - don't bottle this up any longer.

You haven't ruined your life.  You've figured out what's wrong, you've found the solution, and you have everything going for you right now.  You're young enough that there's no reason to believe that you won't be utterly successful in this, and in a few years you'll be an absolutely normal-looking young woman living the absolutely normal life you want to live.

I'm excited for you.  You should be too.  It's absolutely scary and confusing, but soon it'll feel normal in such a good way.

Another massive hug - you deserve it.  Now go finish the last of the wine and smile!  ;)

Quote from: Mara on November 16, 2014, 04:46:31 AM
I just had 2/3 a bottle of wine. Yes, I am transgender. I really don't want to admit it because I don't want to deal with it. I feel disgusting and like this has completely ruined my life. I have nothing to look forward to.

I will be 25 soon, so I feel like there is not much hope for me. It is too late to effectively transition. I know some people can do it at 25 or even later, but my body and face are too definitively masculine to pull it off.

Also, I'm sorry if this is the case, but I still feel like this might just be something I made up in my mind for whatever reason. It doesn't feel real. Like, how could God and nature mess up so bad?

Ah, In vino veritas ("in wine [there is the] truth") - I know that one all too well! (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,175024.0.html) :laugh:

Sweetie, first of all as others have said, 25 is really not "too late".  I'm 28 myself and I'm still very hopeful that my transition will go well.  There's those here who have transitioned in their 60's or older and have turned out fine.  Sure, it's true that transitioning during your teens makes life easier, but transitioning older is certainly not a game-breaker.  Plus (what I've realised) - there's plenty of cis-women who look fairly masculine and they get on just fine.  Plus - who the hell told you that you have to be able to pass to be transgendered?  Whoever it was should be shot lmao! :laugh: ♥︎

You may feel that you are "too masculine", but I've watched HRT do wonderful things.  Surgery is also pretty amazing these days too.  You mention your dislike of surgery as a reason not to be transgender, but frankly hun that's bollox.  I'm scared of surgery too, and only plan to have as little as possible done (preferably none at all if I can get away with it).  Your feelings towards surgery etc has absolutely diddly squat to do with your gender.

Your gender is how your brain is wired to process information about the world.  This is rigged up during your development as a foetus in your mother's womb.  If you have an intolerance to testosterone, or your mother doesn't give you enough of it at the right point, your brain will develop as female (we all start off female anyway, so that's the "default" setting if you like to think of it that way).  That's how "nature can get it so wrong", and it's been shown that trans* folk - when put into MRI scanners - really do display brain activity more a-typical of the gender opposite to their sex (i.e. MtF trans* folk for example really do think much more like girls than they do guys).  You could ask how "nature got it so wrong" with any disability - what about people with downs syndrome?  or autism? or siamese twins? or intersex conditions? or dwarfism?  (note - not to imply any of these conditions make people "wrong", I'm just using the OP's phrasing to make the point ;) ♥︎).

Hunni, go see a gender specialist.  They'll be able to help you work through these thoughts and feelings and find your truth.  Even if that truth turns out to be that you were a cis-gendered person who got confused somehow (although that's not really how it works but still lol :P ), then at least you would have given it serious exploration.

Hope I've helped :) ♥︎

Girl i understand the pros and cons...both the sides of the coin....but in the end i close my eyes and ask myself "If i could open my eyes and my gender be whichever i wanted with repercussions and like it was always that...which would i choose"  and 100% i would become a woman...that's how i know i am trans and i need transition.  Once i did that the box opened, and every day i am more and more convinced i am a woman...and my body will match...someday...

djdiva - I did a very similar though experiment. I imagined that I was offered a Matrix-style choice. Blue pill,  I become 100% male, everyone knows and remembers me being male, I lose all my feminine traits and have them replaced with male ones etc. Red pill, I become female, loose all my masculine traits and have them replaced with feminine ones, everyone remembers me as having always been female and treats me accordingly. Whichever one I pick, that's me for the rest of my life. Which would I chose?

My answer was the red pill. My feminine side is way more valuable to me than my (very small) masculine side :)

Another way to think about it: if you had the choice when you die for everyone to remember you as male or female, and whichever one you choose replaces any memories / records etc of you having ever been anything else, which would you chose? Again, I'd choose female :) x

Quote from: ♥︎ SarahD ♥︎ on November 16, 2014, 07:59:31 AM
Hunni, go see a gender specialist.  They'll be able to help you work through these thoughts and feelings and find your truth.  Even if that truth turns out to be that you were a cis-gendered person who got confused somehow (although that's not really how it works but still lol :P ), then at least you would have given it serious exploration.

I second this.  Going to a therapist has helped me gain a lot of insight.

Quote from: Mara on November 16, 2014, 04:46:31 AM
I just had 2/3 a bottle of wine. Yes, I am transgender. I really don't want to admit it because I don't want to deal with it. I feel disgusting and like this has completely ruined my life. I have nothing to look forward to.

I will be 25 soon, so I feel like there is not much hope for me. It is too late to effectively transition. I know some people can do it at 25 or even later, but my body and face are too definitively masculine to pull it off.

Also, I'm sorry if this is the case, but I still feel like this might just be something I made up in my mind for whatever reason. It doesn't feel real. Like, how could God and nature mess up so bad?

Hon, 2/3 of a bottle of wine, especially the weak stuff, ain't nothing. 20% or more of the homemade variety then that is something. Believe me, it hasn't ruinded your life. Why disgusted? We are all some, no, we are the smartest and most caring people I have ever had the pleasure of coming across. OK so it may be a little ofputting at first like, "OMG! This ain't normal. OMFG I ain't normal. OMG I am a freak." But no, you are not a freak. There is nothing to be disgusted about. Diversity is good, right? Well we are part of that diversity. To be completely honest with you Mara. I think I may be completely disgusted if I thought I was Cis. Being trans is more normal than you may think. You have plenty to look forward to. Ihad to come to terms with this early on without the hlp of a therapist, just the library, psychology books that were way above my level of shooling and a few friends one of which was a transguy and the other LGBs.

25? Jesus De Christo! There is a lot of hope there is always hope. OMG. I'm 47 so should I lay down and give up? Too masculine? HRT will do wonders and really who cares? Who you are inisde is important. the outside is just a shell. Your esscence is who you are inside. So who cares if anyone thinks you effiminate gay? There is nothing worng with that. Who you are is you and screw anyone that tries to destroy that in yourself.

I hate to tell you but I seriously doubt it is something you made up in your mind. You really need a gender therapist though. I wish I could have had one when I was young but this has been with me from first memories. I had to learn on my own.

OK Mara. I am going to put it bluntly. There are far worst things than being transgender. We don't eat babies, we aren't usually serial rapists, we are not child molesters, we are just normal people that want normal lives. Seek a gender therapist. But being transgender isn't the end of the world. Hell it might just be the beginning. But this sight is just a little testimate of the diversity of being trans and should give you insight of just how normal we are. Being trans ins't the end of the world. To me it was the beginning.

Quote from: Jess42 on November 17, 2014, 11:00:50 PMWe don't eat babies . . .

Ooops.

If you don't mind, I would like to reply some of your thoughts according to my own perspective:

Quote from: Mara on November 16, 2014, 04:46:31 AM
I just had 2/3 a bottle of wine. Yes, I am transgender. I really don't want to admit it because I don't want to deal with it. I feel disgusting and like this has completely ruined my life. I have nothing to look forward to.

Believe me, lady - you have a whole life ahead, and maybe that is the main issue. I mean, life can be scary -specially if you're trans. But the fact is, if you let fear stops you from looking ahead, you're never going anywhere.
So take a deep breath, and think. Be true to yourself, plan your future and stick to that plan. When things get too hard, take a deep breath, rest a little and go back to fight. Things get better, you'll see.

Quote from: Mara on November 16, 2014, 04:46:31 AM
I will be 25 soon, so I feel like there is not much hope for me. It is too late to effectively transition. I know some people can do it at 25 or even later, but my body and face are too definitively masculine to pull it off.

Sometimes I feel just like you in this matter. Could it be and early middle age crisis, perhaps? (We young people and our killer impatience, lol.) Some people start transition at an old age; others in the beginning of life. Don't push yourself regard age - you do things when you're ready to do so.
Now, regard your masculine traits, there is a lot that can be done - surgeries and hormones can make true miracles. I know women who had tons of muscles before transitioning and reached a feminine look so well done that usually pass without any problem. Ok, it takes time, but it's possible.

Quote from: Mara on November 16, 2014, 04:46:31 AM
Also, I'm sorry if this is the case, but I still feel like this might just be something I made up in my mind for whatever reason. It doesn't feel real. Like, how could God and nature mess up so bad?

This is anger talking. You may be a mess mentally and emotionally, but it happens to everyone. People get messed up by all sorts of reasons. Just don't take people as a mistake - not even yourself.   ;)

Quote from: Mara on November 16, 2014, 04:46:31 AM
I just had 2/3 a bottle of wine. Yes, I am transgender. I really don't want to admit it because I don't want to deal with it. I feel disgusting and like this has completely ruined my life. I have nothing to look forward to.

I will be 25 soon, so I feel like there is not much hope for me. It is too late to effectively transition. I know some people can do it at 25 or even later, but my body and face are too definitively masculine to pull it off.

Also, I'm sorry if this is the case, but I still feel like this might just be something I made up in my mind for whatever reason. It doesn't feel real. Like, how could God and nature mess up so bad?

I was about to type out how I related to your reasons a lot myself and how your non arguments were basicly all excuses, you never know for example how you will look. Saying you will look ugly is as much of a thing you won't know as saying you will look like a supermodel. That being said...


I will tell you my responses,

Quote from: Mara on November 16, 2014, 04:46:31 AM
"I just had 2/3 a bottle of wine. Yes, I am transgender. I really don't want to admit it because I don't want to deal with it. I feel disgusting and like this has completely ruined my life. I have nothing to look forward to."

Accepting can be a really lengthy and difficult process it was for me at least. Try to see why you feel disgusted by this, and how would this actually ruin your life :) ? It is a hard thing to grasp but give it time and be open minded and think rationally and know there is a whole spectrum you could be in.  And most of all what helped for me is to stop seeing labels but instead what it means. It means you are a girl, a girl which might sound weird now because you've always been told that you are male. But if you feel you are then you are. Your body doesn't matter in that aspect


for the second thing you said, same as I said with the supermodel thing. You don't know really and that is just an excuse ;) . Nobody knows till you actually tried. It's true it gets harder the older you get but would you rather take chances now or take chances in the future where your chances are even lower and you will have to put up being a guy every day in and out.


as for the last thing, that is also acceptance for you... it feels unreal because society tells you what you are 24/7. Now the challenge comes to feel what you FEEL like what you are instead of what society tells you what you are. Give it all a bit time :) .



Also if you want to talk a bit personally or want to know about my story a bit or just feel you need some support don't be afraid to send me a pm. I'll gladly answer you. Since I know how hard it can be.


Good luck on your road to self discovery!

Quote from: Brenda E on November 18, 2014, 08:04:56 PM
Ooops.

Depends unless you are a vegan, veal is fine. I should have mentioned "we don't eat human babies". :o