Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi there,

Throughout my life, I have been in a constant struggle against androgens and an unsympathetic family that tried to make me a boy, and later, a man. I've always frowned upon roughness and male characteristics, and aspired toward a more feminine ideal. Back when I was a child and teenager, my parents tried to make me look more masculine and banned me from owning any item intended for females. As an adult, I have had to hide my true self behind an ugly impression. That has caused a lifelong depressive tendency, despite never having to worry about money my whole life. I decided to stay in the closet forever rather than risk everything I have. Then, my hair started falling out - first a little, then in gobs. I knew I would never get a chance to be the woman I always wanted to be unless I sought help on my own. Seeking therapy and medication - or even a doctor - on my own was something I had never done, but faced with the prospect of being totally bald by my early 30s, I decided to put my time and money on the line and do everything I could to get the medications I need in order to transition. I cannot understate how hard it was for a shy girl like me (for without years of estradiol, I can never be anything more than a girl) to find the resources necessary to change my life. My self-esteem has improved since my hormone levels changed, but still I live in fear of what my family will do when they find out I am not only transgendered, but transitioning. My father (who hates almost every minority group in existence) will be so mortified that he will certainly make me buy my own everything, and worse yet, possibly evict me. Since my father also took pride in his "son" and said that he "doesn't know what he would do if he ever lost 'Steven' ", I fear the possibility of a murder-suicide that inflicted by my father that could leave us both dead. If I never come back after January (when I come out as trans), you'll know why. Perhaps I have gone over the deep end, but I am really scared. My mother knows I am hiding "something" but not what it is.

I came here because I think it would be helpful to see that other people feel the same way about gender. I want nothing more than to be female and to be accepted as such, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever get a chance to see the world as my true self - the real one, no less.

As fall foliage season, the most beautiful time of the year, slowly winds down, I cry when a song makes me think about the life I could have lived if only I had transitioned two years earlier - and the life I may never get to live depending on my father's unpredictable behavior. Please say you stand by me; that would help a lot.

Goodbye for now,
Steph

Hi Steph, I stand by you. Welcome to Susan's Place! My family keeps their hair, but it's white by our thirties! Well have to see on that since I'm stuck at 29! See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn

Hey Steph

Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Thanks for sharing your story. I'd suggest you be very careful about how you come out to your father. You need to be in a safe environment and if coming out jeopardises that then you should start thinking now about how you can be in a safe space before you tell him.

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Cheers

Grace

Welcome!

And what happened is awful...  :( .

Makes me wonder, do you live alone? Does anyone else know and is he or she supportive etc etc. Those are all really important things to consider.

But one thing is sure. You aren't alone here :)

Steph,
a big warm welcome to Susan's place, there are many wonderful people here with a vast amount of experience and knowledge. There are also some tremendous resources here. Everything is right at your fingertips, so pull up a chair, relax and let your fingers do the walking. We are all here to help support you and were behind you, and it's great to have another sister. I wish you nothing but the best of luck and may the Angels look upon you and help guide you on your journey.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

Hi Steph and welcome to Susan's. This is a great site to be.

:)

None of the other women in my family had severe hair loss before 45, so hormones clearly have a lot to do with it. I am so much younger than that.

Safety is a concern and my therapist feels the same way. Fortunately, I found a caring therapist who I can trust to discuss this before telling anyone in my family. My mother is also more open-minded and tends to find me very convincing. She would never put me in harm's way. I think I can win her support before coming out to my father, although she might say "You'd better not tell that to your father!" It is inevitable that my father will find out anyway because I have already seen great improvement to my appearance. Also, strangers often saw me as a woman even before I started medications and my father is acutely aware of that (albeit somewhat irritated; he tells me to cut my hair whenever someone sees me as female. I must agree that long hair makes passing so much easier.) My mother is the primary owner of the house, so having her support should protect me from eviction. My mother is also the part-owner of another home 4 hours away. She would not throw me on the street for being who I am.

I still live with my parents and probably will live with my mother until one of us dies. I can't afford my own housing and have no hope of being able to any time soon. With that said, I am now able to live without my father's money, and I was careful to make sure of that before transitioning.

Hi Steph and welcome to Susan's!

Quote from: MelissaAnn on November 06, 2014, 03:11:45 PM
We are all here to help support you and were behind you, and it's great to have another sister. I wish you nothing but the best of luck and may the Angels look upon you and help guide you on your journey.

Awww, thanks. It feels so nice to finally be in this together rather than alone. Your signature makes me think of my father, for he has always wanted me to live in misery (i.e. more masculine) to raise his own self-esteem - even when I tried to resist. This is someone I really need to break free from if I ever want to realize my full potential.

Got your back Steph, hugs!