Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Please do not read if it might trigger. Discussion of suicidal ideation.

I don't deserve to be alive. I can't suffer any more and I'm in so much pain that I'm screaming in silence. I just wish I could die but I don't even deserve that. I wish I could end all the pain. I wish I could say goodbye but I can't even do that because I'm a coward. I don't want to be a burden to anybody any more. I am nothing. I am a mistake. I am worthless. I have no hope. I want nothing more than death.

Honey,

You are not worthless, you are you. A wonderful human being trying to break from their shell.

Call a Help Line and have a chat with a counsellor if things are looking so dark.

Hugs Honey

OK talk to me. Why do you feel this way and why do you consider yourself a mistake?

Of course you deserve to be alive. Like Cindy says, please talk to a help line or a counsellor. Get help and support ASAP. Let us know what is going on for you. Please be safe. Hugs.

Quote from: Alexi on November 07, 2014, 01:24:59 AM
Please do not read if it might trigger. Discussion of suicidal ideation.

I don't deserve to be alive. I can't suffer any more and I'm in so much pain that I'm screaming in silence. I just wish I could die but I don't even deserve that. I wish I could end all the pain. I wish I could say goodbye but I can't even do that because I'm a coward. I don't want to be a burden to anybody any more. I am nothing. I am a mistake. I am worthless. I have no hope. I want nothing more than death.

Hey, I don't know your exact situation, but I will tell you right now that I have felt very similar feelings to what you've expressed in your post -- even as late as a few days ago.  Sometimes it strikes me multiple days in a row, but I manage to keep fighting, and I really want you to keep fighting too.  You may think you're worthless, but absolutely NO ONE is worthless -- everyone's voice is worth being heard.  So, please, please keep fighting and realize that the harder you fall, inevitably, the higher you will bounce.  Just tell yourself that sometimes it will take multiple hard days to bounce up to the level at which you feel most satisfied.  And when you get there, I absolutely promise you that you will look back on this part of your life and acknowledge that all this pain helped mold you into the wise individual you truly are.

By all means, message me.  I'm only 21, but I will help you by relating to you in any way I can.

Jasper

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 07, 2014, 01:28:00 AM
OK talk to me. Why do you feel this way and why do you consider yourself a mistake?

I've tried asking for help so often and haven't ever got it. It's not safe for me to be visibly out as transgender at home. I'm lost, confused and numb. I've fought and fought and I have nowhere to feel or be safe. I'm hurting so much it physically hurts and I have no friends to ask for help.

Hi Alexi

Please do not harm yourself, it may not be evident to you at this particular time, but everyone is here for a reason so don't sell yourself short

You have a huge support site here, so talk to people

We can all work through this together

Hugs

I'm scared to die. I feel so trapped and I'm too scared to call a helpline. I want the pain to end so much. I'm frightened today is going to be my last day alive. I am nothing but failure. I don't deserve any of this.

Alexi, I can relate very much to the way you feel (even though my situation is a very different one). Please do not harm yourself. If there is no one you can reach out to at the moment, just keep talking and venting to us. We can take it!

:hugs:

I'm scared nobody is going to come and help. I'm scared no-one is going to understand just the pain I'm in. I'm so scared. I don't want to suffer but I deserve it so much. I wish so much I could end it all but I'm just so scared to.

Hun there is no need to do that or think these sorts of things. Time will heal you as it does most things, as it did for us. Just hang in there and remember that you have found this place where you can let it out instead of bottling it in / letting it fester.

Many people go through these feelings, and so often they prevail stronger than they once were- as will you- I am sure of it. You have a beautiful name, and a beautiful set of people that are here and willing to help you through this. Regardless of whether we are online or sitting next to you, each and every one of us who reads this wants to see you through this. That I am absolutely sure of :) Cheer up and get some rest. You'll be in my thoughts as I go to sleep tonight.

Quote from: Alexi on November 07, 2014, 02:44:02 AM
I'm scared nobody is going to come and help. I'm scared no-one is going to understand just the pain I'm in. I'm so scared. I don't want to suffer but I deserve it so much. I wish so much I could end it all but I'm just so scared to.

You do NOT deserve to suffer. You have no right to suffer! We all suffer. Your suffering is the same as all of us - we do know what it is like. Many people here, including me, have been so low and so dark that nothing was worth waking up for.

I would pray to die.

Thankfully I did not.

Today/night is a dark time for you tomorrow is another chance, see a therapist, get HRT, deal with the unmitigating crap we deal with. You have people here who can help with that.

There is a light and it is shining for you.

Never give up, never give in.

Quote from: Jennygirl on November 07, 2014, 02:56:31 AM
Hun there is no need to do that or think these sorts of things. Time will heal you as it does most things, as it did for us. Just hang in there and remember that you have found this place where you can let it out instead of bottling it in / letting it fester.

I'm sorry for not being strong enough for people.

Quote from: Jennygirl on November 07, 2014, 02:56:31 AMYou have a beautiful name, and a beautiful set of people that are here and willing to help you through this.

I'm not sure I like it any more. It's a nice name for sure but I'm not sure I suit it. It's difficult to find something I like similar to it or that I feel comfortable with as an alternative. I'm still looking for other names but nothing's seemed to fit just yet.

Hey hun, I understand your pain so well. I hate seeing other people suffering like I do, it's truly upsetting and I wish you didn't have to feel this way - I wish no one had to feel this way - it's awful. I too wish I could end my life a lot of the time but it's so not easy. Please, if you can, call a helpline or try online counselling. They're there to help you and won't judge you, so please try not to worry too much. If anything, you're absolutely more than welcome to PM me, I'm here for you.

Quote from: Alexi on November 07, 2014, 02:44:02 AM
I'm scared nobody is going to come and help. I'm scared no-one is going to understand just the pain I'm in. I'm so scared. I don't want to suffer but I deserve it so much. I wish so much I could end it all but I'm just so scared to.

I can't take the pain away, but I can tell you that I do understand!

Alexi,

I hope you see from the post that we care and relate.

I felt the way you did and just kept ed going day to day working on what I needed for my happiness.

Today I stand completed when at one time I knew I never would.

Fight your fears.

Hugs

I've lost my grip and I've lost hope. I've written a letter to the ones I love. I don't want this to hurt anybody but I know I can't stop it. I'm so lost that I can't feel anything any more. I'm at a loss for words to describe the despair.

Alexi, I've been there, but I'm here now.  You can do the same.  If you've written all of these posts and written a letter, you can make that phone call.  Trust me on this one.

If you end it, it will hurt a lot of people, and yes, you CAN stop it.  You are suffering from a very common and treatable condition.  You have done nothing wrong.  It's not your fault. 

Please call 911 right away and they will end your suffering the correct way.

Love and hugs,
Jill

Quote from: Alexi on November 07, 2014, 01:24:59 AM
Please do not read if it might trigger. Discussion of suicidal ideation.

I don't deserve to be alive. I can't suffer any more and I'm in so much pain that I'm screaming in silence. I just wish I could die but I don't even deserve that. I wish I could end all the pain. I wish I could say goodbye but I can't even do that because I'm a coward. I don't want to be a burden to anybody any more. I am nothing. I am a mistake. I am worthless. I have no hope. I want nothing more than death.

Hon. Never ever worry about triggering me. If something does I can deal with it.

You are 100% right. You don't deserve to die. But you are 100% wrong because you do deserve to live. You do deserve to live your life to the fullest. You deserve to be the happiest you that you can possibly be.

You, my friend are not a coward. You are stronger than what you think. It is so easy to end it. But know there is a strength in you that I and a lot of others believe you have. There is an ungodly amount of strength in us. Probably way more than the rest of the human race. You need to believe that too. We will help. I will help. And sweetie, you are something. You are you and you have the right to be who you are. You have a right to live your life to your fullest, happiesst and most enriching according to you, no one else. Life is tough. We as transgendered humans are tougher though. We have made it this far. We are riding a wave right now. Just have a little patience and be true to yourself. That is all you have to really be true to is yourself. And be yourself here and we will love you regardless.

I know this don't sound like much and I'm just a faceless idiot that is too scared to use a photo as my avatar but I do have reasons. There is hope and you and many others have found it here. I have found courage here. You are among friends and whatever I can do to help you I am willing. If you wanna' talk, talk. You wanna' curse, PM me cause the mods may not like the cursing too much or go to them even and let it all out. But you have to let it out. We care. We are special. We are unique and just because you may not have anyone in your physical life that may see you that way or refuse to accept you in that way, never foreget we have something special and that is we feel deeper inside than most so called "normal" people. It may not seem like it to you right now because God knows I had to deal with it on my own before the net and had to read my butt off in books that were so far advanced that I had to read them three or four times to understand. And then still had to deal with it on my own. But you can deal with it. I did and I ain't no Genius.

But you have worth. You do deserve to live and be happy. You definately deserve to be true to yourself. You don't have to tell anyone crap. You owe non one any explainations. Be who you are with no apologies or no feelings of commitment to anyone than yourself. If they think you are trans, so what? You would be surprised at what you can do a little at a time and no one will ever notice to ease the dysphoria. Big changes all at once, yeah. They probably will notice but little bits at a time, no one really pays attention.

But Alexi, Never lose hope. Grip though? I lost mine a long time ago. I don't care. Hope? I hope for the sake of all of us that society gets a "grip" that not everyone is the same. But even if they don't, I don't apologize for being me and if they can't accept it then we all know what they can kiss. You may not feel it but I know you are strong. Strong enough to come to a transgender websight and face that you are possibly transgender. Please never sell yourself short. Whatever I can do to help, just ask.

I know despair. Don't hurt us OK? We feel, we accept and we love each other and when we lose someone then the grief is unbearable. So talk to us, you can curse me all you want, you cry on my shoulder all you need to. But still be there. We have each other. That is the imoportant thing.

Alexi,
please don't do anything rash. You have a lot of people here that care about you. You add a tremendous value to our forums. You make my life more beautiful. Please, I implore you to reach out. PM me if you would like I am here for you. We are all here for you. I've been right where you are right now, I know what you're feeling. I know that everything seems so insurmountable. Take a deep breath, honey things do get better. Please don't become another statistic. Please write again here so that we know that you're okay. Were all worried about you and all I want to see is for you to find the joy and happiness you so deserve. You may not think so but you are very much welcome here very much wanted here very much needed here. Please if anything that you do, let it be continued contact either through this thread were a post message to anyone of us were calling the help lines I need and want you in my life. If there is anything I can do for you. Let me know and I will do my best.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

Alexi, I don't think I can find the right words, but please stay with us. I see you're offline now and it worries me. I've been in the same dark place, but I keep fighting - and I'm not a particularly "strong" person either. I'm still here. I hope that you are too. It's not yet time for you to go.

Big hug! We're all here for you, and we need you around!

Hugs, Devlyn

Alexi, there's obviously nothing I can do except hope you're still here with us. I'm so sorry you have to feel this way and I only wish the best for you. May you find peace in whatever it is you do.

This is what kills me. We haven't heard anything rom Alexi since 2 am something this morning. Stuf like this worries me to no end. My time it is 6:20 PM so is Alexi OK? This is the very worst thing about being trans that I can ever think of. Someone feels this way and then goes silent. Being trans ain;t the end of the world. To me it is actually the bieginning. ??? Yeah a whole new life.

I just saw this Jessica, I don't know.?

Sometimes I think that the Registering fields should include a phone number that can be verified, maybe that could save lives.?

......................

Sending my prayers..

I've not done anything to hurt myself but still in a lot of pain emotionally. I might come on IRC if people still use it. I'm still as confused as I was and dysphoria is beginning to reappear but I'm trying to distract myself by finding a name I like. I've not found one yet. I might go looking for clothes or some makeup.

That's the spirit of Alexi one step at a time. Build on it, you'll find your way back were all here behind you and want to continue to see you here.

With much love,

Melissa Ann

Glad to hear that you're still here, Alexi.   Please, please make that phone call if it ever gets to be too much for you again.

Ohhh dear, that is good news..

So happy you posted something..

Quote from: Alexi on November 07, 2014, 07:54:32 PM
I've not done anything to hurt myself but still in a lot of pain emotionally. I might come on IRC if people still use it. I'm still as confused as I was and dysphoria is beginning to reappear but I'm trying to distract myself by finding a name I like. I've not found one yet. I might go looking for clothes or some makeup.

Oh hon. Small steps, OK? I really know the pain. Dysphoria sux. Don't let it win. There are things ou can do amd cloting and makeup are two. Just be you. That is all any of us can be is ourselves. Yeha it ainlt no great big revelation or miracal cure but it oes help at least.

Last year when I was in a dark place I watched John Pinnette and Gabriel Iglasias on youtube. Their humor helped me make it through my darkness.

In the end make sure you get the help you need it is there.

Quote from: Mark3 on November 07, 2014, 07:37:12 PM
I just saw this Jessica, I don't know.?

Hey, Mark. How are you doing yourself?

But Alexi. Still you have friends here and a lot of us that have been through the same. Just go into more detail and I will almost bet som one else has been through the same things. If not we will stil try to help you through it and support you.

Quote from: Jess42 on November 07, 2014, 10:58:09 PM
Hey, Mark. How are you doing yourself?

But Alexi. Still you have friends here and a lot of us that have been through the same. Just go into more detail and I will almost bet som one else has been through the same things. If not we will stil try to help you through it and support you.

I'm still plugging along hun.. I'll msg ya in the morning, my eyes are going crossed tonight..


Also Alexi, sometimes it helps to write. When I'm feeling really bad, I like to write and gets my mind focused on something else. It helps sometimes..
We're all here just for you, just keep us posted, and tell us how you feel, and what you need for help..
Hugs

Alexi, I'm very happy you're still here with us [emoji4]

Which names are you looking at? Have you found one you like yet?

Quote from: adrian on November 08, 2014, 01:01:59 AM
Alexi, I'm very happy you're still here with us [emoji4]

Which names are you looking at? Have you found one you like yet?

I'm not sure. I like Alexi but I don't feel it fits any more. It's hard to describe and I've not found anything suited yet.

Play around with it, have fun :)

Quote from: Alexi on November 08, 2014, 05:59:05 AM
I'm not sure. I like Alexi but I don't feel it fits any more. It's hard to describe and I've not found anything suited yet.

It'll come to you :) The awesome thing is, we can try out different names before we decide. I like Adrian, but having used it for a while now online, I think it's not going to be my real life name.

Sometimes the answers we seek find us instead of us finding them. That's how it happened with my middle name.

I work at an urban farm/community garden, and this flower popped up in one of the beds. I am very familiar with the common "weeds" so I didn't pick it, best to let it grow and ID it. Well it did grow, and it produced the most beautiful pink flowers! I'm so glad I let that weed grow :D

The old name of the flower is Althea, which means "to heal"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcea

Althea is also the name of an excellent song, with a wonderful message in the lyrics :D

Enough about me, here's some info about seeds.

While some seeds require light to germinate, many seeds require darkness. When life deals us darkness, take it as an opportunity to be like the seed.

For me, the hardest times of my life were where I made the most progress looking inside myself, reorganizing thought patterns as well as remembering to love myself. The winter of 2012-2013 was very very dark for me. I was all alone, and I cried so many tears. I thought I would never make it out, and I often considered suicide.

I made plans to move across country. I planned to be homeless and to try and find an intentional community/commune where I could try to work for food.

I never took the flight. I saw much pain in my mother, and stayed back to help her. At the time, I had not came out to any of my family. In the spring of 2013 I came out to my family. All the guilt and sadness and feelings that I could not go on vanished. They were replaced with hope. My relationship with my family grew deeper. Everything got better.

Someone posted earlier that we are all here for a reason. This is so true, but let's be clear... we're all here for many different reasons. I helped my mother begin to get over her abusive father, but that isn't all I'm here for. Now that I'm tuned in, I'm just getting started.

It's pretty obvious that you also have much work ahead of you on this planet. Many people on susans, like you and I have an extraordinary ability to feel things. Our planet needs people like us to help it heal. It needs people like us to wake up the zombies who roam around, endlessly consuming and polluting the planet.  Unfortunately us feelers really feel the sadness in our dark times. But... take it for face value: Things stink right now, but in the near future, you will know that you made it trough the dark days, and you came out strong. Consider this part of your life training.


I hope you are able to relate to my ramblings. Feel free to PM me whenever you need to talk one-on-one with a friend. I also go on the susans chat every now and then. Whatever you do, know that you are not alone, and we have much love for you :D

Something I forgot to mention about the darkness:

It's the dark days that make the good ones bright. Like in paintings, you need the darkness to show the light.

And if this universe is in balance, like everyone seems to think... then you have some super bright days ahead of you :D

Quote from: White Rabbit on November 08, 2014, 08:39:56 AM
Play around with it, have fun :)

I'd like something similar but I also like unusual names. It's getting difficult to choose but not stressing about it too much. I'll find it though. I'm still struggling dealing with a lot of complex things at the moment and nothing seems right. I said it wasn't safe to be visibly transgender where I live and that feeling is making me feel trapped and suffocated. Can someone help me find genderqueer or androgyne clothes and makeup?

I told them I'm transgender and nobody is speaking to me about it.

Quote from: Alexi on November 19, 2014, 03:30:36 AM
I told them I'm transgender and nobody is speaking to me about it.

I'm glad your still here with us.

As much as we feel the unconquerable wall of dysphoria, when you tell someone in the way of just heaping it on them, their level of shock is just as big as our wall of dysphoria. Sometimes it takes time for it to sink in because people have seen you one way for so long and now they are forced to see you in a totally different light.

Alexi- Just reading your post brings tears to my eyes. I have been exactly where you are, and not that long ago. It appears to me that you have had the courage to at least let someone know. That is a really good step I found. I know that as dark and painful as your situation seems, it will not last forever, and that there is hope and goodness waiting for you from others that can alter your life. In fact, someday your experience may help others who are at the exact place you are today. Helplines are there, and you can be anonymous in that setting. There are trained people that can help tease out the important things from your dark confusion. PLEASE do not hurt yourself. I come from a family where suicide is prevalent, and I can tell you that those are deaths that darken the journey of all that survive. Nothing, nothing is worth giving up that precious life that is yours. In this dark night, please feel the prayers that I am sending, and pick up the phone to seek help. You will stay in my thoughts and prayers today. Many blessings, Sheila Grace

I feel like it was wrong to come out. I feel numb.

May I ask who you came out to?

Alexi- Nothing happens by accident and it obviously WAS your time to come out. However it felt, it was an act of courage on your part. But, responding to the push back can overwhelm any of us. Where you are now is right where many of us have been and it is almost impossible to see anything but dark. Please call someone now who you trust, and if there is no one in that category, call a helpline. You are worth it and your life is precious. Please know that this will pass and that you are not alone on this path.

Quote from: adrian on November 19, 2014, 10:23:26 AM
May I ask who you came out to?

I came out to someone I can trust, but since doing it, neither of us have mentioned it or spoken about it and I'm just not sure it's right at all to mention it again.

Give them some time to process the information, but after a while I would bring it up again -- ask them how they feel about it, for example. Tell them that you're worried by their lack of reaction or that it makes you feel insecure around them.

Quote from: Alexi on November 19, 2014, 11:27:09 AM
I came out to someone I can trust, but since doing it, neither of us have mentioned it or spoken about it and I'm just not sure it's right at all to mention it again.

You know I mentioned baby steps, right? You don't have to tell anyone, I mean you told all of us. That should have relieved a little pressure. Most people will sometimes figure things out on their own. Subtle changes to your appearance will allow those that know you to kind of form some kind of internal, subliminal assumptions. When people seem to expect something or have formed opinions over time at their own pace then the shock value seems to turn into something of, " I guessed it all along." Plus the subtle changes you make to yourself condition them to see even when it is out there that you are transgendered, you are still the same person. It's really the frog in boiling water analogy. It may still not be good, but it won't be such a shock.

I can't do it. I really can't.  :embarrassed: :'(

Quote from: Alexi on November 19, 2014, 07:35:45 PM
I can't do it. I really can't.  :embarrassed: :'(

It really is no little feat. But I bet everyone has felt the same way. Have you got a therapist? Preferably one that is knowledgeable in gender issues? If not, I would search for one. They can be invaluable. You could go the route I did which I in no way suggest and won't even go there.

But Alexi, you are truly just one in a million or more. It really is no big deal when you think about it though. Most everyone of us has been or will be going through the same thing eventually. Don't be embarrassed though. A little at a time and day by day OK? Too much will overwhelm you and everyone else. Make a slower transformation. That's all. Find a level that you are comfortable with and stay there a while and then push it farther if you want. And then get comfortable with that and stay there for a while. There are ways of going about it that you don't have to just come out all at once. But don't overwhelm yourself with it. Yeah, dyphoria sux, the realization of being trans can suck just as much, but the baby steps will help to keep you from being overwhelmed and every little step you make take toward alleviating the dysphoria.

I've been right where you are before.  I had my suicide planned out and even rehearsed it.

Put those thoughts out of your head now.  It will get better once you get past this.  Maybe not easy, but better.

Love yourself for who you are.  You are unique just as everyone else is unique.  You have a lot to offer yet so don't deprive the world of you.  And, you are not alone in this.

I'm still working through the dysphoria. I don't want to give up.

Quote from: Alexi on November 20, 2014, 12:17:51 AM
I'm still working through the dysphoria. I don't want to give up.

It's great to read this! :hugs:

Hey Alexi,
Just hopping onto your thread.  I totally know what you mean about finally telling someone and then having them ignore it.  For me, it is/was such a big deal deep inside to finally figure out what is different from everyone else.  But, to tell the truth, I am kind of glad my friend didn't do/say anything for a little while. I needed that time to calm down, myself and be okay with being different.  My friend was like a concrete column I could lean against :laugh: . Friend was shocked, stunned, worried that I would be different and move away from them.  Since I've turned a bit clingy, that worry is gone.  Maybe your friend is going through the same process?

Good to have you here on Susan's.  I'm rather newish, and sometimes lurk more than I post but I always find comfort here.
Chris 

How I'm still alive I don't know.

I'm very glad you are here. You seem like you are an interesting person and it will be nice to get to know you better. 

I've just come to terms w/ being trans* in the last  few months.  It was quite a shock, scary but freeing for me at the same time. It explained so much.  I really have been interested in exploring the theories of the causes of transgerderism (is that the right word?) and am finding it fascinating.  Have you seen this blog post with excellent links? http://lizdaybyday.wordpress.com/2014/08/14/one-stop-trans-brain-research-list/

I would love to hear what you think of these theories.

OK. I really don't know how to say this and I really hope I don't offend anyone what so ever. I just spent a few days in hell. Cry and sleep. Wake up and then cry some more and sleep some more. Try to be my normal insane self until yesterday and became overwhelmed. Letting it out let me face it. I hate pain and can't beat myself but letting it out then I could start beating it back. There are far worst things than being trans and one video that I watch over and over again when I get down that helps is Metallica's One. I mean imagine you can't see, hear, talk and have no arms or legs. Something like that to me would be far worst than being trans.

Being trans is not easy Alexi. It is hard to come to terms with it. But not impossible though. You can find happiness and put the despair behind you. You can be happy and feel unique. I mean look at all the people on this sight. If you ask me my opinion, yes I know I have my meltdowns too and yesterday and actually the last 3 days was a big bad one, we as a group or community or just average everyday people that go against the societal norms are way better people because we truly care. We don't say it just for society's sake. We accept everyone because we ourselves face unacceptance, so we truly accept everyone, not just because it makes us look good in society like some people say one thing and mean another. So just my opinion and yeah it sux sometimes but we as a whole are true human beings and society could probably learn a thing or two from us on how to be compassionate caring beings. Talking the talk is nothing like walking the walk. I see a lot of talkers in "normal" society but very few that actually get off the fence and walk the path.

Alexi, it may not seem like it but we are special. We are a pretty elite group. One of us fall and we all feel the sorrow and some of us cry. Yeah I know the whole guy girl thing and I'm such a girl. But no hon, you are not a mistake. You are special. You have a unique life experience that may help someone that feels the way you do now. And you are loved as family whether genetic or not and we worry about you. And anything I can do to help, just ask OK?

I feel like Susan's is the only place I can feel safe. I love that everybody accepts each other and does everything to help each other and I hate that I haven't got the strength to help others as much as I want to. I'll do my best to offer advice and support though. I'm struggling a lot and things are bad, I'm battling to find strength to continue.

Some times sending a hug can do wonders.

Speaking of which Hugs

Quote from: Alexi on November 21, 2014, 04:17:13 PM
I feel like Susan's is the only place I can feel safe. I love that everybody accepts each other and does everything to help each other and I hate that I haven't got the strength to help others as much as I want to. I'll do my best to offer advice and support though. I'm struggling a lot and things are bad, I'm battling to find strength to continue.

Don't worry so much about anyone else right now. Worry about yourself. When you do find a better place then help or provide guidance. But right now you need love and you have it. You need to feel like you belong and you do. You need to feel normal and you are. You need acceptance of yourself and a realization that you are important in the scheme of things and you are. You need to feel kinship and unconditional friendships, well you got them.

You are safe here. You belong. You are important. But let's work on getting you felling better you give back. Until you get the strength back let's worry about Alexi OK? You are important and you are loved. You are not a mistake and are here for a reason. And I and everyone else will do what we can to help you realize that. I really worry and I am sure everyone else does to. Every sister or brother we lose hurts. And I actually lose a little bit of myself. So I am always here for you OK. You wanna' cuss and let it all out. PM me. You wanna' trash being trans and whatever you wanna' say, PM me and say whatever. That doesn't trigger me and right now it is about Alexi. Not me. Just we are here for you OK? Lean on me whenever you need to. I find nothing offensive. We just want you to at the very least feel comfortable with yourself. The very best, happy with yourself.

Don't worry sweetie that's what were all here for someone to lean on in times of need, you will get there and at that time, you'll be able to help other people out to because you have been through it. It just takes time. Just relax here very much accepted here. You're very much wanted here. We all care about you and wish nothing but the best for you. Like I said early on, one step at a time and try to keep your head held high.

Much love,

Melissa Ann

Quote from: Alexi on November 21, 2014, 04:17:13 PM
I feel like Susan's is the only place I can feel safe. I love that everybody accepts each other and does everything to help each other and I hate that I haven't got the strength to help others as much as I want to. I'll do my best to offer advice and support though. I'm struggling a lot and things are bad, I'm battling to find strength to continue.

Hey there :)

there's a time for giving and for taking. Right now it's your time to take, and that's ok! We're a big and strong community and that's exactly what it's for.

For me the reward currently is that you continue to post here and check in regularly!

Hugs!

I'm trying to hold on but I don't feel I can any more. I'm trying so hard but there's no other choice no matter how much I try.

I've lost hope. Nobody is going to call or send a text message. Nobody is going to think I lost the strength to continue.

Alexi Honey please see that there are people here from literally around the world that are sending you messages of concern, support and love.  We want you to hang on for yourself and for all of us too.  We want you to laugh and live in the daylight with your sisters and brothers here and everywhere. 

Yes there is pain and hurt and you have turned that around before.  We really have unlimited potential and we want to help you help yourself.

Come on girl talk to us!

Alexi, please let us know you are still around.

I'm still here. I'm feeling tired and restless but fell asleep in my duvet on the sofa. I wish I knew what else to say but I don't.

Glad you are still here! <3
I know I'm just repeating myself and others, but please reach out to someone -- one of the hotlines posted here or an emergency room. Do it for us if you cannot do it for yourself. We care about you!

I'm struggling to keep my head above water.

I wish I could hug you and tell you how wonderful you are in person, but this will have to do for now.

You are still here, and that speaks volumes.   If you are at the end of your rope, please tie a knot and make that call.   You don't need to suffer.  I was there once upon a time two years ago, and thanks to medical professionals I am here today, and I am happy.   Life is precious and awesome for me now and it can be for you as well.   

Please pick up the phone.  It's time to make some changes for the better.

Love and hugs,
Jill

I'm trying to keep going but it seems to be getting harder and harder and it doesn't feel like I'll be able able to cope. I'm so frightened and all I want to do is cry. I don't know what to do any more. I want to scream and I want to end the pain so much. I'm not a wonderful person. I wish I could sleep and not wake up.

But as we talked before. You are a wonderful person.

You need to regroup in things i your life.

If you feel lost its time to write down your plan/goals.

Then answer these with how they can be done.

Start over or do a reset (ctrl-alt-delete) then do it day at a time.

work on your plans and the goal.

We are here, see your therapist or doctor.

Hugs

Visiting Susan's is the only place I feel safe.

Now take that and find ways to apply that strength and safe feeling in your everyday life.

Hugs

Your comments take me back in a very visceral way to how I felt not so long ago.  I meant even the words you use are the same ones I used.  The easiest thing would have been to succumb, and I wanted to, just to find relief.  But if I had done that I would have missed out on some of the most amazing moments of my life, truly too many to name, and I never would have experienced my miracle metamorphosis into a happy-by-default person, which was an impossible outcome, and more shockingly, the healing that resulted in my becoming one of the most emotionally resilient people I know, I was such a fragile wreck.  Getting through those times made me a very strong, very happy person.

It's a such a grim moment and you're stuck in it, but if you can just hold on...

You will be grateful later.

Quote from: Alexi on December 10, 2014, 10:23:17 PM
Visiting Susan's is the only place I feel safe.

Alexi,

Please see that you do not want to die. If you did, you'd be busy doing it right now instead of visiting Susan's.

No, you don't want to die; you want to live as yourself, and that is an incredibly noble goal. Wouldn't you like to stick around and see that goal to completion? Susan's is a great place not only for support, but also inspiration. Look at the changes, look at the successes, and look at the fact that life does go on, and it does get better. We all start from a place of unsureness to some degree, but that doesn't have to last.

You can do this, you got this, but you need to stick around. Medals are only awarded to those who finish, so keep on trucking along no matter how tired your legs yet. We are all right beside you, girl.

Wishing you hope and peace, ☺️
Tegan

I'm hurting a lot. I'm still trying to feel comfortable with myself but I'm hurting so much. Everything is hurting.

Quote from: Alexi on January 04, 2015, 05:23:47 PM
I'm hurting a lot. I'm still trying to feel comfortable with myself but I'm hurting so much. Everything is hurting.

Alexi,
if you need somebody to pour out to, PM me.  I'd like to help if I can.

Hugs,
Teg