Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have a basic question asking for your experiences with CIS friends close or casual. This is for the girls that have been full-time or spend almost all their time as there preferred gender. 

Do you find the gender / trans stuff is part of the conversation or never comes up?

I have found that whether it is guys or females, close or not that it never comes up at all and the topics are really about life, relationship, work, movies etc... This sort of creates a gap in sharing however it is not meant in that way if you know what I mean it is almost like the gender stuff is non existent to them and life is just normal per se. I hope I explained that right as they are not mean or uncaring in anyway.

I am curious what you others girls experience with your CIS friends and how they treat you and this certainly is not a competition about how well people pass. I am looking for more experience in the type of friendships we have as trans people and your actual real life day to day experiences.

It only ever comes up if I bring it up usually like if I'm talking with my best friend, I may vent to him and that's about it honestly. Every now and again he has questions about the lgbt community so sometimes it crosses into trans issues. But other than that not really, my trans stuff never comes up in every day convos with other people. I really wish I knew another trans gal close by that I could talk to just because they would understand better than anyone as to what I'm going through.

I have full-time yet, but the only time my best friend brought it up to me is after I came out to him. He asked if he gets mad at me can he just call me a bitch. It really only comes up. If I bring it up.

Never comes up up cause people don't know

For those who know my past, it just about never comes up. I'm just a woman to them... So it's all rather uninteresting to them. :)

Unless it's to relate a particular experience it almost never comes up. And I prefer it that way too. I suppose it might lead to better understanding of or exposure to the lived trans experience but I'd rather talk about life in general. I knew a guy at uni some 26 years who came out as gay and my god he never ever shut up about how gay he was. I was supportive, to be honest I didn't care what his orientation was, I just got so sick of hearing about him and his gayness. I decided I was never going to inflict that on anyone. Ever.

With those who knew me prior to coming out, it still comes up from time to time, though much more rarely than it used to. I guess I don't really feel as if I need to talk about it that much anymore, and usually when it does come up, it's just in the form of a passing reference to my saving money for surgery or something.

I would say that it never comes up gratuitously with my close friends, although not one of them I think avoids bringing it up for fear of offending me. It's just that we are all involved with our live as moms, or with work, or with managing finances, or with dating (for those of us who are). Or we meet in conviviality, eager to drink, eat, and laugh together. Or in sorrow. My history and lack of cis-status is hardly relevant to any of this stuff, except maybe the dating part. This is where I wanted to be. If none of my friends ever mentioned trans-stuff again, I wouldn't feel a loss. 

Seems like we are all having very similar type of CIS style relationships although I do wonder a bit how can you be real close friends with a couple of people if all aspects of one life are not talked about to some degree as there is nothing to be ashamed of and it affects our feelings, mood and other things and shutting the trans stuff out is unrealistic and not healthy , no?

it never comes up unless i bring it up, i told some close CIS friends ( all girls, 15 of them ;) )who never know me before and i never regret that, they are all awesome.

I do the same thing with everyone. If they do not know I tell them then allow them to ask me whatever they want and I state I will not get mad, angry, upset or hold their ignorance against them for 24 hours. After that I never want to hear another thing about it unless I magically bring it up. If they fail to adhere to those expectations I stop being friends with them. It really is that easy...

Quote from: Ms Grace on November 11, 2014, 04:39:43 AMI knew a guy at uni some 26 years who came out as gay and my god he never ever shut up about how gay he was. I was supportive, to be honest I didn't care what his orientation was, I just got so sick of hearing about him and his gayness. I decided I was never going to inflict that on anyone. Ever.

LOL!!! Yes, I can understand that. It would be highly annoying. It's not like I talk about my sex life and love life either...

I have gay friends and coworkers but we never talk about anything gay. The most we talk about is fitness and workouts but nothing about being gay.

Even my kids pediatrician is gay... he didn't tell us he is but everyone knows. It's just not a big deal. Nobody cares!!! And actually he's the best doctor I've seen in a long time. I just wish he could be my doc.

Quote from: Erica_Y on November 10, 2014, 03:16:18 PM
Do you find the gender / trans stuff is part of the conversation or never comes up?

If I'm in the company of people who know I transitioned, I tend to bring it up now and then. I'm not ashamed of it (actually rather proud), and I don't want them feeling like it's something that can't be talked about.

My experience with the gender talks only came about when it was necessary to talk about it.  Earliest times were when I was about to begin hormones (age 13). It was discussed with my family, drs, nurses and close friend who was also mTf but 5 years older. When I began living on my own (age 17), it was only discussed with husband #1 (really should not have married, but foolishness). Then again with husband #2. Between #1 and #2, I lived with my best friend (cis female). It was never discussed except on one occasion when the group of us visited a gay bar to watch a drag show and we all commented on the nice looking performers and what a fun life that must be. I think that was about it. No one, that I know of, knew the nature of vaginal shortcomings.  We talked about sex in general, sex with other girls -- no way --  and guys and clothes but I've yet to know many women who discuss the nature of their vagina with one another. We talk about our periods, moods, etc but never about the vagina or lack thereof -- lol -- although I've been tempted on many occasions to just exclaim I was born without one.   It was necessary to mention the trans stuff with a couple of gentlemen before husband #3 (the love of my life!!).

I guess I never had any real issues to want to discuss the nature of what is between my legs with someone unless it was a sexual or medical reason.  I can understand how others would want to do so because they have literally gone through a "trans" ition from living male and then having to do away with all the male stuff to become who they truly are. I only feel the frustration of being born without a vagina, but sometimes I read about others whose lives have to completely change at a high price. I can only imagine their discussions and in my mind I am holding their hand tight to give them comfort.

In my case it never comes up unless for some reason I bring it up. All my friends and associates see me as just another woman with the same problems and everyday worries as they have. Even my upcoming SRS is now just discussed as a "female surgery" I need, by those few who know my history on those rare occasions it does come up. However, in the last 3 months or so nothing has come up at all.

Ally :icon_flower:

I have been out for a couple years and found that my very public transition was the talk of the town initially.  Kind of a minor celebrity status with everyone weighing in with unsolicited advice and questions.  The advice from cis people has been gently curtailed while I am happy to be approachable, answer questions and be an obviously out transgirl to most folks.  I enjoy a wide circle of friends and community and now it is no big deal with only an occasional comment on my changes.