Susan's Place Transgender Resources

essentially im done pretending im a guy for everyone
im tired of being someone im not just for acceptance
but on the other hand im scared mainly of work i feel my parents are accepting they see me with my purse and all kinds of stuff all the time i just dont want to face discrimination at work i do work with an equal opportunity employer and HR did tell me that i can do what i please there are actually policies protecting me. maybe i should open up more to one of my co workers im sorta close with maybe she could help me she does know im interested in guys and everyone else might too i do walk in with vera bradley wallets and purses. i dunno why im so scared to just pull the trigger and go all out with makeup and everything my customers too what will they say? they will know who i am obviously its just so hard. how do i get over this hump?

It's about when you need to move forward for your health and happiness.

Yes EOE holds protections so no one can harm you due to being out with out retribution.

So do it day at a time.

Hugs

I guess you just go for it.!

The 1st day will be scary as heck, the 2nd a little better, the 3rd you'll smile more, and in a week or two, you'll be the happiest you ever thought you could be..! There may be a few tough times along the way, but it will get better.. And better...

both of you are sooo right *hugs* thats what im gonna do! im gonna close my eyes and do it! and as each day passes it will get better and better and better : ) and with the help of those who support me it shouldnt be to bad. im only really concerned for work but with EOE i should be okay. besides if im not okay their punishment is a phohe call away : )

Woah  :o!!!

I say wait and think for a bit, I did this 2 years ago and well I lost everyone around me. Not because they are trans phobic but because people cant handle what they don't understand in constant  surges.
I just suggest that you should be yourself with lets say 5 people ie: parents and 3 good friends at first.
I am just saying that going full time in a rush could leave you feeling awkward and could backfire making you more self conscious.  Also if you do it wrong you could leave everyone you know misunderstanding who you are and being lead to believe your are a "A guy with a clothing fetish"(I don't mean this to insult anyone but I am pretty sure a trans girl wants to be seen as a girl :D), this happens a lot as the concept of transgender is not well known even in 2014.

Anyway that's my ramble I wish you luck in whatever you choose.

Note: I tried to fix my english but umm I cant see where to sorry :(

Alysinspace the way I see if and with most of the community I have seen is to go when you're ready but don't rush the process. It will take time and things will get better in most cases. Your sexual preference has nothing to do with your gender and I have met a few wonderful men whom still do drag on the side since it makes them happy but didn't want to go all the way to being a woman.

I agree with the other girls here and dont plunge yourself into something that you feel you may regret because if you do you have a higher chance of making that fear  into a reality and none of us want that to happen to anyone here. 

I feel similar to you where I want to be a woman more than anything but I know I can't just throw everything away and jump straight in. First you look the wrong gender then somewhere along the way you will see an awkward phase where you will be neither male or female. I have seen a few in these first two phases and some that took the plunge the first step. Power to them but its noticeable.  When you reach that point where you can go out with the girls and not have someone ask are you sure about that you will never need to worry about what's in your pants again and be free. I just want to let you know how I feel on going in as a full woman right off the bat unless you know for sure 1. Its what you want to do and 2. You will be able to feel comfortable doing so. Otherwise I'd recommend going slowly into it.

All I know is I aint goin all in until I can.

I wouldnt fo it until I semi pass at a job they known me as a man.

It isn't so black and white. You can already change your clothing style, let your hair grow and wear slight make-up without people thinking you are transgender. If you do it in small steps then people tend to already approach you differently without them even knowing.

I never understood why people make one big swap one day when they decide they feel brave enough for it. It surely is brave and I do admire it, but if you take it slowly with steps, isn't it a lot easier for everyone to get used to it? Also you yourself.

I made my change in one day but in complete consultation with HR. We told everyone I would be switching in a few months then a week before I swapped presentation, they were reminded by email, then I did it. My company has very firm policies protecting people against discrimination based on ethnicity, race, gender, sexual orientation, or gender identity. I have had no problems at all, but I attribute that in part to people knowing that I made this change with HR's complete agreement and participation, and due to our corporate policies being explicit about such things.

Quote from: Kirey on November 12, 2014, 07:46:18 AM
It isn't so black and white. You can already change your clothing style, let your hair grow and wear slight make-up without people thinking you are transgender. If you do it in small steps then people tend to already approach you differently without them even knowing.

I never understood why people make one big swap one day when they decide they feel brave enough for it. It surely is brave and I do admire it, but if you take it slowly with steps, isn't it a lot easier for everyone to get used to it? Also you yourself.

I would agree with Kirey. A Big Bang approach would be a lot for others to handle. I'm transitioning at work now, and I'm doing over approx 8 months. I may need to bring that forward as people are definetly noticing the hrt changes, longer hair and other more feminine aspects. But at the moment I'm probably just presenting as a feminine gay man. I still wear a suit and shirt. On casual days at work I wear female androgynous clothes and no one has said a thing. And I'm working closely with HR and the entire executive team.

But I would take it a little slower as the more time people have to get use to the idea and adjust, the smoother things will be for you. I mean I had 36 years to get use to the idea, I can hardly expect everyone around me to get use to the idea in a single day, it's not going to happen. They are transitioning with me in a way.

In essence I think it's about realising transition doesn't just affect us, it affects those around us. I'm a considerate person, and whilst this living as two people is killing me, I'm still able to be at least a little bit of myself at work. Like this weekend, getting my ears pierced, will raise some questions, but I'm not turning up in a dress on the same day. Gradual changes I think is the key, and patience my friend.

Good luck.
Hugs,
Bree

Quote from: LilDevilOfPrada on November 12, 2014, 02:02:42 AM
Woah  :o!!!

I say wait and think for a bit, I did this 2 years ago and well I lost everyone around me, not because they are trans phobic but because people cant handle what they don't understand in constant  surges. I just suggest that you should be yourself with lets say 5 people ie: parents and 3 good friends at first.
I am just saying that going full time in a rush could leave you feeling awkward and could backfire making you more self conscious.  Also if you do it wrong you could leave everyone you know misunderstanding who you are and being lead to believe your are a "A guy with a clothing fetish"(I don't mean this to insult anyone but I am pretty sure a trans girl wants to be seen as a girl :D), this happens a lot as the concept of transgender is not well known even in 2014.

Anyway that's my ramble I wish you luck in whatever you choose.

Alysinspace - there's a lot of valuable stuff here.  As much as we all understand the need to get rid of the Boy, you sound like you're just launching yourself into it without a plan.  Honey, this is such a big thing that you really need to plan it, on paper, so that you can be in control of what happens, and also be able to manage the consequences, both good and bad.

So, yes, woah there, breathe, and please, can you try a bit of punctuation in your next post so that it's a bit easier to understand you.

Hugs
Julia

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on November 12, 2014, 09:05:49 AM
Alysinspace - there's a lot of valuable stuff here.  As much as we all understand the need to get rid of the Boy, you sound like you're just launching yourself into it without a plan.  Honey, this is such a big thing that you really need to plan it, on paper, so that you can be in control of what happens, and also be able to manage the consequences, both good and bad.

So, yes, woah there, breathe, and please, can you try a bit of punctuation in your next post so that it's a bit easier to understand you.

Hugs
Julia

I do apologize English isnt my first language.

I shall try fix the message.

I went full time -way- too early, I got extremely lucky but there was some major hurdles I had to go through. I know it's hard, we all have done what you are doing, some of us have completed our journey, others are still on it, but we all know and at least understand this much!

If I could go back and do anything different about my transition, it would be going full time so very abruptly, I would have slowed my transition down by about 6 months, slowly changed my dress and applied make-up to make a more gradual change for people and to let them get use to the idea over time and not suddenly go from the alpha male to a very confused and lost 26 year old going through reverse puberty while trying to rediscover herself!!

I know the desire to be you to the world, but a lesson that took me around 3 years in to learn, it really doesn't matter how the world sees you or perceives you, it matters how you see you. If you really feel ready for it, then the best of luck to you and just remember to breath! But if you can slow down going full time and make a slow transition time of 4-6 months where you slowly apply make-up and alter your clothes, then start getting friends and co-workers you're closer to using the correct name and markers before expecting everyone to do it will make your life much easier and make it easier for them to get on board as well.

Either way, listen to the girl inside you, start to let her out and let her introduce herself to you. She's an incredible person, and she's dying to show you how amazing life is and how absolutely beautiful colors are and how intense smells are. Prepare to chase the rabbit down his hole and just remember, it's ok to eat the cake, drink the kool-aid and go through the door!!!!

Quote from: LilDevilOfPrada on November 12, 2014, 09:23:30 AM
I do apologize English isnt my first language.

I shall try fix the message.

Not you, dear LilDevilOfPrada - your response was fine  :D :D.  It was the OP I was asking to try be more clear so that we can help her better.

What is your first language?

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on November 12, 2014, 12:48:22 PM
Not you, dear LilDevilOfPrada - your response was fine  :D :D.  It was the OP I was asking to try be more clear so that we can help her better.

What is your first language?

I was brought up South Africa so zulu :O but I am Indian its a long random story for another day.
I am quite fluent in English but my dyslexia sure makes English a pain as its not a mathematical language.

Quote from: LilDevilOfPrada on November 12, 2014, 12:51:11 PM
I was brought up South Africa so zulu :O but I am Indian its a long random story for another day.
I am quite fluent in English but my dyslexia sure makes English a pain as its not a mathematical language.

Wow - I was born in JHB!!  :)

So is it Zulu because you live/lived in Natal?

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on November 12, 2014, 12:55:45 PM
Wow - I was born in JHB!!  :)

So is it Zulu because you live/lived in Natal?

Yup hit the nail on the head.

It's normal that we wanna be and wanna feel ourself. The more normal it would be for you to show other peoples who you are, the less they would be able to arguments. Never be afraid to show your true colors :), else you're showing them weakness to exploit.

It's hard to discriminate someone who truly believe in his points and ideas, same for someone who act like his differences are completely "normal" (weird word as nothing is actualy "normal" in this world xD).

Take some allies where you works too if possible before going full time (often the best one are those over curious that just want to understand everything, sometime anoying with weird questions but good allies), they may stop rumors and shut some dirty mouths.

I don't know if I want to do it "all of a sudden" but I don't want people to think I am a "gay man." Nothing against gay people but that is not the identity I am after. Yes I may be "gay" married to my cis wife but it wasn't my intention to transition to being a gay man.

 I stated HRT 23 years ago. It was several years before I stated wearing feminine cloths at home then I ventured  out a few times I was even addressed as Mamm. Then one summer I realized that I could no longer just pull on a tee shirt. Three years ago I lost 80 lbs.  My breasts we're very noticeable  36H bra  my waist  35in. hips 45in. I would get stares when I wasn't wearing a bra, no one seemed to notice when I was (am) wearing one. I was being seen as  female even when wearing male clothing.  I have made the transition very slowly ,which has been much less traumatic  on my family and friends. 

Quote from: ImagineKate on November 12, 2014, 04:03:02 PM
I don't know if I want to do it "all of a sudden" but I don't want people to think I am a "gay man." Nothing against gay people but that is not the identity I am after. Yes I may be "gay" married to my cis wife but it wasn't my intention to transition to being a gay man.

I agree, I'm not a gay man, and didn't aim to present that way, but I think the way society says a woman looks like this, or a man looks like this, they often see a feminine looking man as being gay. Not ideal, but whilst I hadn't come out to those at work it was easier that the truth lol

Harsh reality though is that people who already know you, and are not very open minded (and how big of a shame it is, the very open minded people is limited), they will always see you as the old you. Even if they address you correctly, they will still see the old you.

At one point I noticed that in my private zone so to speak, people would see me as who I always have been. Their son, brother, friend, male classmate. While on the streets, stores or wherever, people would address me with ma'am. I looked exactly the same but the first impression is what counts and usually sticks. With the people you know you can slowly adjust their impression and hope that they will respect you enough for them to change it eventually, while then everywhere else you can already live your life as you. With the same looks at both situations.

wow i am honestly blown away with everyones help and concern thank you all : ) i think im going to take it slow as everyone here suggested i was thinking of starting small maybe doing my hair and maybe wearing little bows and such then move up open up to the co worker who im closest with and possibly get my nails done for thanksgiving and keep going from there slowly but surely : ) i know people who already know me will look at me differently but it will be so satisfying going out and getting gendered correctly and my co worker may be able to help me out in the work situation and the big transition to full time. im planning on spreading it over the course of a few months slowly get more feminine as time goes on slowly build my wardrobe etc i shouldnt just shotgun money on a complete overhaul all at once if things go my way and well im hoping by my birthday in feb i can make the switch. but if it takes longer it takes longer it is what it is i guess.

Quote from: Alysinspace on November 12, 2014, 11:20:45 PM
wow i am honestly blown away with everyones help and concern thank you all : ) i think im going to take it slow as everyone here suggested i was thinking of starting small maybe doing my hair and maybe wearing little bows and such then move up open up to the co worker who im closest with and possibly get my nails done for thanksgiving and keep going from there slowly but surely : ) i know people who already know me will look at me differently but it will be so satisfying going out and getting gendered correctly and my co worker may be able to help me out in the work situation and the big transition to full time. im planning on spreading it over the course of a few months slowly get more feminine as time goes on slowly build my wardrobe etc i shouldnt just shotgun money on a complete overhaul all at once if things go my way and well im hoping by my birthday in feb i can make the switch. but if it takes longer it takes longer it is what it is i guess.

Well I found that letting your hair grow(Mid and low hold ponytails can be neutral gender and professional for work) and grooming your eye brows is a easy way to start without setting off alarms. If you slowly neaten your eyebrows into a feminine look it wont be so obvious to others and if you want to get your nails done may I suggest grow them then just have them male manicured for now. I find that nails in particular lead to awkward situations if they are to pretty as humans instinctively look at hand gestures during communication.

In terms of clothing you can honestly start wearing womens jeans and shirts from today if you like just be careful on how they hold your butt and curves.

Another random ramble by me :D but this advice is legit so take it to heart.

I would agree, there are many subtle touches that make a difference without setting off massive alarm bells. Four and a half months on HRT and about the same into transition and I thought about time I started pushing the envelope a little more. So ears are getting pierced tonight, just small studs, yay!

But the female jeans work a treat and in fact I wear female androgynous clothes on casual Friday and no one has said a thing. People are too polite to say anything I think. And besides I sit there chatting to the girls at work about hair and why we don't have any females in leadership roles.... I mean really, I think it's a little obvious but hey, it's been a gradual change over four months, another four and I'll be in a skirt at work I think  ;D

Today i went out with my brother with just foundation and mascara and a cute outfit and scarf and no one said anything i dunno something jist clicked today and i did it : ) it went well

thank you all so much i decided im going to add things on little by little : ) seems like the best community choice : )

That's what were here for is support for ourselves and those going through the same trials and tribulations as everyone else here in trying to find our own place in life so anytime you have a question or concerns just ask. I've been helped on multiple situations here and I've even seen the mods here asking as well. None of us are perfect and struggle in our own way.

I think, and am in a similar position that its baby steps at first, I am going to set up a close support group of good lateral headed people, Initially a Girlfriend of many years (not romantically linked  :laugh:), a female fully transgendered friend, and a guy that I have known for many years... way before I consider having the heart to heart with any of those closest to me... work will become a problem as I consult in IT on a contract basis... however after many years of I will, think about and just carry on in the closet I have decided I must set up a plan of action... but there will, in my case be some collateral fall out, there mostly is.

So my thoughts set up a close support group of mixed close friends and family if they are aware so you can plan and test.

Like others I am desperate to be a full time woman... the real me... On HRT now (last 10 to 12 years... lost track), but will also start facial hair reduction, leaving voice etc. until its public knowledge.

Good luck  :-*

Love Katy

I'm a little late to the discussion here, but I'll add my two cents.  I think it makes sense to be full-time in your personal life, but to delay making the switch at work.  You can take time to adjust your female presentation and get used to the role without the financial/career implications.

It's better to delay 6-12 months and be successful in your transition.  You've already waited this long, right?

right now i feel as if im presenting mostly andro now to start hopefully by the time feb hits my lazer will be done enough and my hair will be loads longer

Quote from: Kirey on November 12, 2014, 07:46:18 AM
I never understood why people make one big swap one day when they decide they feel brave enough for it. It surely is brave and I do admire it, but if you take it slowly with steps, isn't it a lot easier for everyone to get used to it? Also you yourself.

Kirey, it's what works for you.  Some people suggested that I should take things bit by bit, present as androgynous for a while.  But I wasn't into that at all.  The androgynous look isn't for me.  For me, it's all or nothing.

I finally got to the bursting point.  Simply couldn't take it any more.  So I jumped in at the deep end.

Now I work from home, so I didn't have a boss to worry about.  Also what I did, instead of just suddenly appearing in town in my new persona, was to go around to people I knew well, that I dealt with all the time, to give them advance notice of what I was going to do.  I got acceptance and support from every one of them, so I simply did it.  Went the whole hog all at once.

It worked for me, and I've never had cause to regret it.  Everybody looks at their own situation and their own needs, tries to find their own solution and hopes for the best.  No matter how you do it, it's a roll of the dice and the stakes are high.  Not for the faint-hearted. I'm glad I won't have to do that again.