Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Right now I'm feeling extremely discouraged. My parents flip out any time I try to do anything remotely feminine and it's tearing me apart. I bought Olay face cleanser for myself last week and my mom found it. I lied saying it was for her. Now she keeps demanding to know whether I'm going back to my "old ways" of trying to come out to them and I insist that I'm not because I don't want to lose anything like my car. Please help me. I don't know what to do anymore.
-Kayla

Are your parents completely against you being trans? Like, do they have a religious conviction against it, or are they socially conservative? And did you already try explaining things to them?

Its pretty much emotional abuse for them to punish you just for doing feminine things. I think you should try to find someone who understands transgender issues and who might be able to talk sense into them.

Hey, Kayla. I am having similar problems to you with my living situation - I live with my mom and she's not getting it. It sucks to have to constantly live in stealth at home, when home is the place where you're supposed to feel the most safe, right? And on top of that, the struggle gets even more real when you have to live in fear of consequences for being out in front of people who have financial hold over you. Do you have anywhere else that might feel safe for you to be besides around your parents, like a friend or other family members'? Do you think it would be possible to find someone else who understands your situation and would be able to mediate a discussion with your parents and you? I recognize that it probably isn't ideal and I'm not sure I have the best advice to give because I'm trying to work through this kind of muck too. If anything, I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in having to deal with that and it is a scary place to be.
-Devin

I don't know what they are. Yes, they are completely against me being trans. The last time I tried to come out to them( tried 3 times) they yelled at me and told me I was just listening to the devil

Do you go to a therapist? If you do, talk to him/her about it and maybe have them talk to your mother... It's a very touchy subject and clearly your parents are having a hard time dealing with it. I'm sorry you're going through that :/ try your best to not alarm them as of now, try getting them softened up before you start progressing, or depending on how old you are you might want to consider moving out if the situation doesn't change.
Best wishes, hope everything works out :)

They don't sound like they can be reasoned with, especially if they are spouting stuff about "the devil". It sounds like as long as you live at home you are not going to get much chance at expressing your gender, especially if you are a minor. If you are old enough you should start investigating ways to get out.

If your parents are not being supportive of you it is imperative for your own mental health that you find someone you can trust (therapist, counselor, good friend) and speak with. Suffering in silence through emotional abuse (which is what punishing you for feminine acts really is at its core) is not healthy.

I sincerely hope you are able to find someone who is in a position to get your parents to listen. I very sorry to hear that you need live with such worry.

You will be in my thoughts.

Kami.

If they're calling it the devil, chances are that reason wont get to them (i.e. explaining studies done on brain structure in MtF, how it is not a choice, how pretty much the whole medical establishment thinks it is real, etc.).

Do you have any family members that understand and are sympathetic to you? Grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents' cousins, etc.? Good neighbors, a family doctor, a therapist, or maybe someone from their church are possibilities too (although I know church is a long shot, assuming they go to one, but it might be worth talking to the preacher just to see). I think that if you can get someone who has connected with them and that they respect to stand up for you, that might help them in accepting you. Basically, I think you need someone who can convince them that this has nothing to do with the devil.

Quote from: Ms Grace on November 15, 2014, 04:41:22 PM
They don't sound like they can be reasoned with, especially if they are spouting stuff about "the devil". It sounds like as long as you live at home you are not going to get much chance at expressing your gender, especially if you are a minor. If you are old enough you should start investigating ways to get out.

I agree with this... My mom says the same thing about the devil, I'm sorry for your situation

Quote from: gabimoneratt on November 15, 2014, 04:34:54 PM
Do you go to a therapist?

No, unfortunately I do not. I asked for this the last time and they basically laughed in my face

You have a well documented and treatable medical condition that you are being denied treatment for.  This constitutes abuse in my book.  Please talk to a school counselor if you can't see a therapist now.  Are there LGBT youth centers near you?

Hugs,
Jill

I'm so very sorry to hear about the problems you're having, honey. You really do need to find an outside source to talk with, a therapist, a counselor your doctor or close friend, I agree with the other posters here that it does seem to be a form of abuse that's going on and I can tell you from experience that you need to have somebody that is separate from the situation to talk to. You really need to see if you can find another living situation to separate yourself from your parents. In some cases, I would also suggest going to a church, but this sounds like what your parents might be holding over you and go into a pastor or priest would not benefit you. I really do hope you find the happiness and peace that you are seeking, you do so deserve it, and you are worth it. Thank you very much for opening up and sharing if I can be of any assistance to you, don't hesitate to PM me.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on November 15, 2014, 06:33:09 PM
    No, unfortunately I do not. I asked for this the last time and they basically laughed in my face

I  sorry to say this but your being refused medical help which constitutes abuse, get into a cab and go to the emergency room at a hospital and asked to talk to a social worker and or psychiatrist on duty and explain the problem.l

Quote from: Mara on November 15, 2014, 04:58:22 PM
If they're calling it the devil, chances are that reason wont get to them (i.e. explaining studies done on brain structure in MtF, how it is not a choice, how pretty much the whole medical establishment thinks it is real, etc.).

Do you have any family members that understand and are sympathetic to you?

No, actually. I don't have the greatest relationship with my extended family

I don't even know who I would tell because nobody else knows about Kayla :'(

Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on November 15, 2014, 09:07:49 PM
I don't even know who I would tell because nobody else knows about Kayla :'(

Well if you want help I think you need to provide a bit more information. Where you live, what your age is, are you in school etc...

Getting all you want with realising who you are isn't going to drop into your lap, you need to be prepared to fight for it.

Quote from: kaye on November 15, 2014, 10:37:40 PM
Well if you want help I think you need to provide a bit more information. Where you live, what your age is, are you in school etc...

Well, I'm 18. I live in the Kansas City area, and I go to high school

being 18 your legally an a adult , you don't need your parents approval to get medical help

Yes but they know where I go. I couldn't get away with that.

Hmm you say you have a car so either you are still in school in america or old enough to live on your own. Have you ever considered getting a job and moving out? When you say take away your car, didn't they put it in your name? If not ever considered suggesting that?

If you live in the right area of the world you may be able to find a trans clinic which will offer free therapy due to your circumstances.

If the car is legally yours then they cannot take it, and if they try then you can get it back through legal means. Though this would ofc have consequences. If it is not yours then try and get them to sign it over. Go easy on that though, like you can't try and get them to do that while they are all pissed off about this stuff or they might be suspicious. You need to appear as innocent as possible! If it is your car though, legally then you can go wherever you want with it, whereas if it is legally theirs and you do one day drive off they can report it as stolen.

You should probably make sure you finish school. With your parents as they are it sounds like you might have to do this transitioning by yourself without much support. So you need to do as well at school as you can so you can get a job and fund yourself. The better your grades the easier this will all be. Try and keep positive and remember what you are working for.

Sounds like they are religious? Do you all go to church?

Kayla, you know I have supported you since you joined here. You know you have an offer of somewhere to go where you can start treatment and attend college. You know you are being denied basic medical care and will never have any support from your family. What you lack girl is commitment and the will to leave all the comforts behind. You know you will be forced to live as a male as long as you stay where you are. You know you will be put constantly in positions where now is not a good time. Why in the name of G-D are you still there is the question. ???

Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on November 16, 2014, 11:57:22 AM
Yes but they know where I go. I couldn't get away with that.

it doesn't matter, go to the hospital  talk to social worker and or a psychiatrist if your parents interfere you can have the police have a quiet talk with them for interfering with your medical care .simple

Quote from: Seras on November 16, 2014, 12:23:08 PM
Sounds like they are religious? Do you all go to church?

Yes we do go to church

And unfortunately neither one of my cars is legally mine ( I have 2)  :'(

Kayla you have gotten really good suggestions and advice. What more can WE do? The ball is in your court dear. If you want life, YOU are going to have to do something about your situation. Most of us here lost everything, but gained so much more. Time to test your resolve, determination and drive.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on November 16, 2014, 01:32:34 PM
Kayla you have gotten really good suggestions and advice. What more can WE do? The ball is in your court dear. If you want life, YOU are going to have to do something about your situation. Most of us here lost everything, but gained so much more. Time to test your resolve, determination and drive.

ditto, I've said all I can possibly say on this topic. sorry for your situation , but help is there, its up to you and you alone

Kayla, it sounds to me like you lack courage and determination.  I'm not going to give you a hard time about that because I'm the same.  But if you want some happiness in your life, you're going to have to go for it.  I think it's pretty obvious what you need to do.  Get that objective in your mind, focus on it, take what time you need to prepare yourself for it.  Then do it.

A friend of mine once told me, "You just have to do it!"  He was right.  You just have to gear yourself up for it and do it.  Otherwise, it's not going to happen.

You should all stop telling her how super easy it is and all she has to do is this or that. It is a really big deal to go against your family in such a big way even if it is for something important like this and however heartless they are being, especially for an 18 year old. It isn't easy, and in fact to do it right now at the very end of high school and risk being thrown into a tumultuous situation when I presume this is her last year at school (being 18) and where she will have her final grades is not exactly the most responsible thing to advise. I mean who knows what her parents are going to do if she goes to get treatment her parents find out and she calls the cops on them?!?! I do not see that ending well. If I were you Kayla right now the number one thing I would do is try and put your focus on school, get good grades, get a job after or go to college and then you can live however you want. Hell if you go to college you can pretty much reinvent yourself if you go to a different state. Same if you manage to get a job outside of Kansas. It is your last year of school right? Everyone is right though Kayla one day you just have to take the plunge and do it if it is what you want to do, but you have to think what is the best long term plan for you and what you want, not your parents. You can't let them hold you back.


I doubt your priest is particularly liberal when it comes to LGBT stuff since it is your parents church?

Kansas City?

See if you can get some help here:

http://transascity.org/

Be smart.  Enroll in a university that is far from Kansas, far enough that your parents won't be able to see you that often. Work, get your stuff together and prepare to live by yourself, affording your own stuff... Or prepare to be unhappy until you do so :/

Quote from: gabimoneratt on November 16, 2014, 05:28:26 PM
  Enroll in a university that is far from Kansas, far enough that your parents won't be able to see you that often.

I have even offered free housing if she goes to Oklahoma University or Oklahoma State University. If she is miserable it is her fault alone. Right Kayla?  :)