Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Not long ago my grandfather died. I've been expecting that to happen for a long time now (he's had heart surgery and too many heart attacks), so the wounds from that are healing quickly. I'm having one other issue, though, and it is connected to that. My family is having a funeral for him that I've been invited to. My dad (who hasn't spoken to me since I came out) has already told my brother that he won't pick me up from the airport if I'm wearing female attire. Well, I dress androgynously anyways, so I'm more concerned with the fact that he's still rejecting me so much and with his history for his violent temper. I also don't want to deal with him much in person, so I've requested to be picked up by either my brother or my cousin to stay with them instead of my parents.

I know that I'll still have to be around my parents, even if I can avoid being with them constantly. I also have the rest of the family to worry about, who don't know that I am trans yet. I've only told my immediate family and my cousin, Kristi (who is really supportive). What should I do to make my time with my parents more tolerable? Also, how should I go about dealing with telling the rest of my family, who are mostly not accepting like my cousin is? I'm really not looking forward to this, but I'm not going to miss my grandfather's funeral.

When you get down to the bottom of it - you are going to your grandfather's funeral to honor him, not to visit with your parents or family.

If any of them try to start stuff just remind them that your grandfather's funeral is not an appropriate place to get into it, and that they are dishonoring the memory of your grandfather by doing so.

And finally, if they persist on being disagreeable sit as far away from them as possible and leave immediately after the service.

Unfortunately we can't choose our family, but then again none of us chose to be trans either. If family chooses to be bigots about something that we had no control over - let them - and walk away from them. You don't need negative people like that in your life.

My own family has chosen to be difficult even after I gave them lots of info about the condition and how we are born with it - so I am in the process of walking away from my family. Its tough, but they are the ones that are choosing to remain ignorant and are making it tough on everyone. So be it.

Last year my uncle died and my father and I had to drive up to Michigan for his funeral with all of our relatives. We are the only group in our family that lives on the east coast, so we're pretty removed anyway, but my father has also offended most of my extended family members multiple times over the last few years. He's a pretty uncensored guy in general and socially conservative, where the rest of my family is not. I'm also not the most social person in the world. We were both very much under the impression that no one would want to spend any time visiting with him and that several family members would flat out refuse to acknowledge him being there.

But we were pleasantly surprised, and I think you will be too. Everyone was incredibly welcoming and warm towards both of us and even asked us to come out and spend time with them while we were in town. Like Eva Marie said, the purpose of the funeral is to honor your grandfather's memory. Luckily, my family understood that. If you have some support from your cousin and brother, I'm sure the rest of your family will fall into line at least for the occasion.

Also, very sorry for your loss.

I had this same unpleasant task earlier this year. I went as me and it was uncomfortable and even with family glaring at me they still honored my Grand Mother and did not disrupt her final good bye. I hope you experience the same and it is about your family member and not you.

Well, my plane flight is tomorrow. I guess I'll see what happens then. Thank you for the replies. I hope my family acts polite around me at the very least. I have some escape plans just in case I need them, but hopefully that won't be necessary. I know the area well (Portland, OR btw) and I still have a couple friends in the area.