Community Conversation => Transitioning => Coming out of the closet => Topic started by: BlaineGame on November 17, 2014, 06:02:46 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Letter to family members
Post by: BlaineGame on November 17, 2014, 06:02:46 AM
Post by: BlaineGame on November 17, 2014, 06:02:46 AM
I am going to send this letter to my family members when I start T. I'm hoping reading this will help others. I wrote this back in September when I thought I was genderfluid. But now I know I am a transman.
Dear loved ones,
I've been struggling with who I am for a while now but I feel like I finally figured it out. I've been going through stages, trying to find myself and what I'm most comfortable with. I've written stories, designed book covers, painted wooden objects, painted on canvases, sketched, had a boyfriend, and uploaded art online.
After all of this, I feel like I found who I am, partially. I am a writer and a graphic designer. I love to write and design book covers. I love the feeling of starting a new story with my own characters and then designing a book cover for the story. I love looking up pictures online that I can use for the book cover. I love looking up facts that I need for my stories. I just love writing.
But that's not all I am. In late August 2014, I found a part of me that has been hidden my whole life. It started out with making a male account on deviantart.com. I felt at home when I pretended to be male. I felt comfortable.
Curious as to how far this would go, I started researching this feeling. What I came up with scared me. I realized I fit the category of transgender. What is transgender? Well, transgender is when one person wished to be a different gender than how they were born. Some change from male to female, others from female to male. Some even switch back and forth between the two genders. There are also some people who don't have a gender.
I got some advice from a few kind people and realized I liked the thought of being male. This progressed as time went on. I tried on some males' clothing and realized that I felt complete in them. I felt free in men's clothes. I feel like I should be male.
Now, this isn't set in stone. I still feel conflicted about it all. I'm scared that if I transition and realize what it's like, that I'll want to go back to being female. I'm scared that this is a long phase that will disappear overtime. I'm scared of what my family and loved ones will think of me. I'm just scared in general.
I've been in contact with a therapist who specializes in gender identity and stuff like that. I've yet to make an appointment with her but I'm trying to. I feel like she may be able to help me sort out my thoughts. I can't sort them out on my own.
For now, though, I will go back and forth between male and female. If I feel female one day, then I will be female. If I feel male another day, then I will be male. I would like you to call me by the proper pronouns. He/him/his on days I am male, and she/her/hers when I'm female. I will let you know what days I'm female or male.
I'm not going to completely act and be a male, but I will be wearing male clothes for the time being. I'm trying to creep into this. I'd feel overwhelmed if I didn't ease into it.
I know this is a lot to take in but I am still the same person I have always been. My personality won't change. I will still be the same Olivia you've always known. I will just be switching genders now and then.
My male name is Blaine and my female name remains Olivia. I like the name Blaine. I feel like it fits. I had originally called myself Todd but it didn't feel right. I feel that Blaine fits me better.
I am still attracted to men. That hasn't changed. I can't stand female parts for some odd reason. Even my own female parts make me cringe. So, when I am male, I am a gay male. When I am female, I am a straight female.
I'm not going to go as far as surgery, but I'm still debating on taking medications to appear more masculine. I have read the risks of taking testosterone which is why I'm still debating. I like being and staying healthy. If I'm on testosterone, there are some health risks that I'm not comfortable with. As far as I know, I'm not going to take testosterone. I'm just going to dress as a male for the time being.
The correct term for what I am is genderfluid. Genderfluid is when a person constantly changes from male to female and back again. They don't mind being called male or female. At least, that is my understanding of it. That is my definition. If you want the real definition, I suggest googling it.
I have been thinking of this for some time now. There is no talking me out of this. This has been troubling me long enough. It's gotten to the point where I'm stressed because I'm confused and feel like I should be either one gender or the other. I will be seeing a therapist, like I mentioned earlier. She should be able to help me with my thoughts and reduce my stress level.
If you don't like this change, then I'm sorry. But this is who I am for the time being. It would help a lot if you just went with the flow. Have an open mind. Think what it would be like in my shoes. Think of how stressed and confused and frustrated you would be if you weren't sure what identity fit you best.
If you feel you can't handle this, then that's fine. I will walk away from you so you don't have to deal with the emotional pain and confusion I've been going through. I understand how strange this is and I understand if you disown me. I'm prepared for it. But, if you want to give this a chance, I would appreciate it greatly.
I'm sorry if I'm a disappointment to you. I'm sorry if I've changed the way you thought of me. I'm sorry if I hurt you. But I've been hurting myself and dealing with this for a while now. No, I haven't physically been hurting myself, but I have been mentally. I apologize for putting this huge topic in letter form, but that's how I express myself best, by writing.
If you don't want me in your life anymore, then it's been a great memory. I will miss you dearly but I will understand. If you want to stay by my side and help me through this, then bless you for being so understanding and open-minded.
Sorry for the extremely long letter, but I felt it was necessary. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I love you all, no matter what.
Love,
Olivia/Blaine
Dear loved ones,
I've been struggling with who I am for a while now but I feel like I finally figured it out. I've been going through stages, trying to find myself and what I'm most comfortable with. I've written stories, designed book covers, painted wooden objects, painted on canvases, sketched, had a boyfriend, and uploaded art online.
After all of this, I feel like I found who I am, partially. I am a writer and a graphic designer. I love to write and design book covers. I love the feeling of starting a new story with my own characters and then designing a book cover for the story. I love looking up pictures online that I can use for the book cover. I love looking up facts that I need for my stories. I just love writing.
But that's not all I am. In late August 2014, I found a part of me that has been hidden my whole life. It started out with making a male account on deviantart.com. I felt at home when I pretended to be male. I felt comfortable.
Curious as to how far this would go, I started researching this feeling. What I came up with scared me. I realized I fit the category of transgender. What is transgender? Well, transgender is when one person wished to be a different gender than how they were born. Some change from male to female, others from female to male. Some even switch back and forth between the two genders. There are also some people who don't have a gender.
I got some advice from a few kind people and realized I liked the thought of being male. This progressed as time went on. I tried on some males' clothing and realized that I felt complete in them. I felt free in men's clothes. I feel like I should be male.
Now, this isn't set in stone. I still feel conflicted about it all. I'm scared that if I transition and realize what it's like, that I'll want to go back to being female. I'm scared that this is a long phase that will disappear overtime. I'm scared of what my family and loved ones will think of me. I'm just scared in general.
I've been in contact with a therapist who specializes in gender identity and stuff like that. I've yet to make an appointment with her but I'm trying to. I feel like she may be able to help me sort out my thoughts. I can't sort them out on my own.
For now, though, I will go back and forth between male and female. If I feel female one day, then I will be female. If I feel male another day, then I will be male. I would like you to call me by the proper pronouns. He/him/his on days I am male, and she/her/hers when I'm female. I will let you know what days I'm female or male.
I'm not going to completely act and be a male, but I will be wearing male clothes for the time being. I'm trying to creep into this. I'd feel overwhelmed if I didn't ease into it.
I know this is a lot to take in but I am still the same person I have always been. My personality won't change. I will still be the same Olivia you've always known. I will just be switching genders now and then.
My male name is Blaine and my female name remains Olivia. I like the name Blaine. I feel like it fits. I had originally called myself Todd but it didn't feel right. I feel that Blaine fits me better.
I am still attracted to men. That hasn't changed. I can't stand female parts for some odd reason. Even my own female parts make me cringe. So, when I am male, I am a gay male. When I am female, I am a straight female.
I'm not going to go as far as surgery, but I'm still debating on taking medications to appear more masculine. I have read the risks of taking testosterone which is why I'm still debating. I like being and staying healthy. If I'm on testosterone, there are some health risks that I'm not comfortable with. As far as I know, I'm not going to take testosterone. I'm just going to dress as a male for the time being.
The correct term for what I am is genderfluid. Genderfluid is when a person constantly changes from male to female and back again. They don't mind being called male or female. At least, that is my understanding of it. That is my definition. If you want the real definition, I suggest googling it.
I have been thinking of this for some time now. There is no talking me out of this. This has been troubling me long enough. It's gotten to the point where I'm stressed because I'm confused and feel like I should be either one gender or the other. I will be seeing a therapist, like I mentioned earlier. She should be able to help me with my thoughts and reduce my stress level.
If you don't like this change, then I'm sorry. But this is who I am for the time being. It would help a lot if you just went with the flow. Have an open mind. Think what it would be like in my shoes. Think of how stressed and confused and frustrated you would be if you weren't sure what identity fit you best.
If you feel you can't handle this, then that's fine. I will walk away from you so you don't have to deal with the emotional pain and confusion I've been going through. I understand how strange this is and I understand if you disown me. I'm prepared for it. But, if you want to give this a chance, I would appreciate it greatly.
I'm sorry if I'm a disappointment to you. I'm sorry if I've changed the way you thought of me. I'm sorry if I hurt you. But I've been hurting myself and dealing with this for a while now. No, I haven't physically been hurting myself, but I have been mentally. I apologize for putting this huge topic in letter form, but that's how I express myself best, by writing.
If you don't want me in your life anymore, then it's been a great memory. I will miss you dearly but I will understand. If you want to stay by my side and help me through this, then bless you for being so understanding and open-minded.
Sorry for the extremely long letter, but I felt it was necessary. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I love you all, no matter what.
Love,
Olivia/Blaine