Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Contravene on November 20, 2014, 12:48:34 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Anxiety Causing Questioning?
Post by: Contravene on November 20, 2014, 12:48:34 AM
Post by: Contravene on November 20, 2014, 12:48:34 AM
I've noticed that whenever my anxiety kicks in I begin to really doubt myself and my gender identity. I find myself having thoughts like "What if I'm not really male and I'm just trying to be something I'm not?" then my mind will go on to obsess over all the reasons why I may not really be trans. Sometimes the thoughts are "I can't do this, I can never transition one day and face all those obstacles." and I start to get anxious about the future. Then other times my mind will start to obsess over the past and I almost feel a disconnect between who I was and who I am now. The most disturbing part is that it's as if my mind plays tricks on itself too because I'll start to think "I'm finally seeing things clearly, I'm not really transgender and I have anxiety because I feel guilty for trying to be something I'm not."
Whenever I'm mentally healthy I'm much more secure in my male identity. I'm able to accept that I am transgender and will just have to jump over certain hurdles when I get to them. I've been slowly exploring my masculinity and opening up more instead of repressing it like I used to. I'm also not as disconnected from my past, I'm able to see that I was always dysphoric and that, even though I'm more mature now, I'm still the same person I always was.
It's just like my anxiety throws me into this state of limbo where I'm constantly unsure of myself and everything is too overwhelming. I just wondered if anyone else has ever experienced this or something similar? How do you manage to keep it together and not lose yourself completely when your mind is questioning your whole identity? I had a nervous breakdown last winter/spring and lost myself, it was terrible and terrifying.
Whenever I'm mentally healthy I'm much more secure in my male identity. I'm able to accept that I am transgender and will just have to jump over certain hurdles when I get to them. I've been slowly exploring my masculinity and opening up more instead of repressing it like I used to. I'm also not as disconnected from my past, I'm able to see that I was always dysphoric and that, even though I'm more mature now, I'm still the same person I always was.
It's just like my anxiety throws me into this state of limbo where I'm constantly unsure of myself and everything is too overwhelming. I just wondered if anyone else has ever experienced this or something similar? How do you manage to keep it together and not lose yourself completely when your mind is questioning your whole identity? I had a nervous breakdown last winter/spring and lost myself, it was terrible and terrifying.
Title: Re: Anxiety Causing Questioning?
Post by: Dee Marshall on November 20, 2014, 08:51:25 AM
Post by: Dee Marshall on November 20, 2014, 08:51:25 AM
I have, more before I started HRT. Depended upon the cause of the anxiety, though. Usually had to have something to do with being trans, otherwise it didn't have the effect. "Something to do with trans" could be as simple as, this "this problem wouldn't have happened/ would be easier to deal with if I wasn't."
Title: Re: Anxiety Causing Questioning?
Post by: Wendywishes on November 20, 2014, 03:32:30 PM
Post by: Wendywishes on November 20, 2014, 03:32:30 PM
I think this is pretty common...the closer your mind comes to making that decision to fully commit to stepping over the edge.
However, you shouldn't think of it as "taking the plunge" into a bottomless pit from which there is no turning back, because that would terrify anybody and make them constantly second guess themselves. Instead, I think you should approach it as something like moving out of your parent's house for the first time...you are leaving everything you have known, everything comfortable, most (if not all) of your friends and family. You are heading into the unknown, excited and anxious and probably more than a little bit scared. But you need to remember you are not the first person to do it, and most of those who have done it are faring pretty well right now. There is support and help available along the way. Your new home might not be perfect, especially in the beginning, but you will learn the neighborhood and grow with it.
Ultimately, if it doesn't go as planned or you find out it isn't for you, you can always move back to your original home. It won't be quite the same as you left it, because you will no longer be the same person. But it will still be your home, and you will be stronger for the experience of leaving and will better know yourself.
I understand it is not nearly as easy as my analogy, and I am currently struggling with some decisions myself...not so much about if I am transgender or not, but what I should do next. However, for many people I think a lot of fear and apprehension stems from thinking of this as a be all/end all decision and a one-way journey...once you make the choice, nothing will ever be the same and you can never go back. However, you will always be you, and nothing but death and taxes are immutable.
However, you shouldn't think of it as "taking the plunge" into a bottomless pit from which there is no turning back, because that would terrify anybody and make them constantly second guess themselves. Instead, I think you should approach it as something like moving out of your parent's house for the first time...you are leaving everything you have known, everything comfortable, most (if not all) of your friends and family. You are heading into the unknown, excited and anxious and probably more than a little bit scared. But you need to remember you are not the first person to do it, and most of those who have done it are faring pretty well right now. There is support and help available along the way. Your new home might not be perfect, especially in the beginning, but you will learn the neighborhood and grow with it.
Ultimately, if it doesn't go as planned or you find out it isn't for you, you can always move back to your original home. It won't be quite the same as you left it, because you will no longer be the same person. But it will still be your home, and you will be stronger for the experience of leaving and will better know yourself.
I understand it is not nearly as easy as my analogy, and I am currently struggling with some decisions myself...not so much about if I am transgender or not, but what I should do next. However, for many people I think a lot of fear and apprehension stems from thinking of this as a be all/end all decision and a one-way journey...once you make the choice, nothing will ever be the same and you can never go back. However, you will always be you, and nothing but death and taxes are immutable.
Title: Re: Anxiety Causing Questioning?
Post by: Dalibar on November 20, 2014, 07:46:30 PM
Post by: Dalibar on November 20, 2014, 07:46:30 PM
Thank you for posting this, cause this is exactly how I'm feeling right now and it is reassuring to know I'm not alone. I don't have any advice, just wanted to stop by and say I can relate.
The one thing I can say that sometimes it makes me feel better is I imagine different situations as different genders. I find that imagining them as female is so stressful and depressing, but when I imagine them as male I have this sense of peace. I just long for how natural that could feel and it sort of reassures me that if just the thought of being male seems like a relief, then I must be trans...right?
On a side note, your avatar is very cool. I love the imagery.
The one thing I can say that sometimes it makes me feel better is I imagine different situations as different genders. I find that imagining them as female is so stressful and depressing, but when I imagine them as male I have this sense of peace. I just long for how natural that could feel and it sort of reassures me that if just the thought of being male seems like a relief, then I must be trans...right?
On a side note, your avatar is very cool. I love the imagery.
Title: Re: Anxiety Causing Questioning?
Post by: Ariel Renée on November 20, 2014, 08:43:01 PM
Post by: Ariel Renée on November 20, 2014, 08:43:01 PM
Quote from: Dalibar on November 20, 2014, 07:46:30 PM
Thank you for posting this, cause this is exactly how I'm feeling right now and it is reassuring to know I'm not alone. I don't have any advice, just wanted to stop by and say I can relate.
The one thing I can say that sometimes it makes me feel better is I imagine different situations as different genders. I find that imagining them as female is so stressful and depressing, but when I imagine them as male I have this sense of peace. I just long for how natural that could feel and it sort of reassures me that if just the thought of being male seems like a relief, then I must be trans...right?
On a side note, your avatar is very cool. I love the imagery.
I second this....I am pretty much ready to take the plunge...what scares me is the fact that i will leave EVERYTHING behind...Ill have to find a new job...a new home...no help from my family...Ill be alone in my change....That is almost too much to bear...but after coming to terms with this i cant sit here as a man anymore...It makes me more and more uncomfortable..especially with the idea of not transition...the idea of staying a male terrifies me now