General Discussions => General discussions => ARGHHH! => Topic started by: Rainbow Dash on November 20, 2014, 02:40:16 AM Return to Full Version

Title: i am happy and scewed up all at once.
Post by: Rainbow Dash on November 20, 2014, 02:40:16 AM
I love the school I am at. They have done a phenomenal job of keeping my trans status quiet. Unfortunately, I have probably been outed by visiting staff from other places because of all the extra documentation I have to carry for now. I'm working on getting a new, updated birth certificate but its taking a bit of time. It's just really frustrating seeing their looks of confusion. Is it bad that I am looking forward to leaving everything behind when I am done with school? My wife says its no different than being in the military. I'll be gone weeks at a time and home for just a couple of days. I need this space so much right now because I feel so lost in my life. I feel pretty worthless most of the time. I've failed too much this past year and it has cost me dearly. Yet academically, I am soaring higher than I ever have in my life. I have passed surprise tests I didn't study for, which has opened even more employment avenues. I don't do well with tests usually. But everything seems to come at a price. In every good that comes my way, I brace for a s*#%storm of bad afterwards.
I've pushed my closest friends away and snapped at them like a wounded animal cornered.
What the hell is wrong with me? Have I really become this jaded person who would rather be alone with my thoughts than spend time with people I care about?
Title: Re: i am happy and scewed up all at once.
Post by: LordKAT on November 20, 2014, 03:41:19 AM
NO, you've become more immersed in something they haven't. It sometimes drives a wedge into friendships. Some people survive the friendship, some don't.
Title: Re: i am happy and scewed up all at once.
Post by: Ms Grace on November 20, 2014, 04:12:48 AM
Sometimes, when we don't feel like ourself, it can be quite common to want to be alone. Even when transition is going well there can be any number of things that knock us off centre and make it hard to be focused let alone everything to everyone. You need to be gentle with yourself, it is a very difficult path, you'll get there eventually and it will be worth it! :)