Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey there. I'm not really good at writing introductions but here goes nothing.
So as you may have surmised from my username my name is Haven. I'm a teenager from the deep freeze that is the Midwest, especially right now :P. I am also FtM so I prefer pronouns of the male variety.
My story is kind of typical. I was always a normal kid with a relatively happy childhood. I grew up with two loving parents and never really wanted for anything...except understanding. At the time, everyone assumed that my penchant for stereotypically "boy" things--especially clothes from the boys' section and standing up to urinate--was just me going through a tomboy phase. I knew, though, that it was probably something more than that. My misguided parents, albeit well-meaning, assumed that the best way to handle my "phase" was to extinguish it by saying things like, "But honey, those are BOY things. You're a girl," and the like and were baffled when I responded that no, I was a boy. This went on until I was about eight and the disparity between the genders become more pronounced and I was forced by my parochial school classmates into grudgingly fulfilling the role of your average little girl. My parents divorced when I was ten and that started the rift that would form between me and my mother. We grew further apart which proved to be catastrophic once I turned eleven. That's when I dropped the bombshell they never expected. Yes, I came out. I still didn't really have a good grasp on what being trans meant, but I knew that puberty was closing in quickly and that I was less than pleased with my developing body and newly created female gender roles. I left a letter on my mom's nightstand saying that I was sorry, I hoped she could still love me, it wasn't her fault--but I wasn't the precious daughter she'd thought she had. I was her son and was tired of living in a way that didn't jive with how I felt on the inside. The day after, she sat me down and told me firmly that it was normal to be confused at my age, but that God simply didn't make mistakes so I couldn't possibly be a boy--after all, I was a GIRL, couldn't I see that? Was I sure it wasn't a ploy to get Mommy's attention. I believe that was the first time I ever told my mom I hated her. The next few years proceeded in a similar fashion, my relationship with my mother being a constant power struggle. She would search my room, throw my masculine belongings away, and yell at me for my inability to be "normal". This generally led to me cussing her out, throwing stuff, and running away. As a result of feeling unloved, I developed some very maladaptive coping skills. By the time I was thirteen I was abusing prescription drugs, self-harming regularly as a way to show I hated my body and get a rise out of my mom, and trapped in a cycle of full-blown bulimia.
I wish I could say that things got better with time, but I'm still waiting for my happy ending. I got so sick of my mom's transphobia and emotionally abusive attitude that a year later I attempted suicide by overdosing on painkillers and ended up in on an adolescent psychiatric inpatient unit. I have been hospitalized thirteen times for suicide attempts, depression, psychosis, drug abuse, self harm, and malnourishment since then. My mother's attitude toward my gender identity has not improved at all. It's been nearly four years since I first came out and she has yet to accept it. I was released three days ago from my latest inpatient hospitalization. Before I was admitted I had detransitioned to appease my mother and while in the hospital I decided that it would be best for my mental health if I continued with my transition as a male. When I told her, my mom basically informed me that ->-bleeped-<-s are not welcome in her house. And then she kicked me out. I am currently living temporarily in a youth shelter that acknowledges my trans identity. It's not a perfect arrangement but it's something. I guess I'm just here for support and to find others who relate.
Wow guys sorry to write a novel I just have a lot to say I guess. Thanks for your time if you read this far :) I'm looking forward to meeting you all.
--Haven G

Welcome~!

Sorry to hear about all of that. It sucks when your parents are toxic and won't acknowledge you for who you are.

I know you will find many people here who know and have been in or in similar situations like you, who can help you, relate to you, and guide you.

Hello, Haven, you already replied to my topic earlier (I'm MTF, I just accidentally posted it in the FTM section, when I was doing a reply to you the topic was moved/deleted on me and got canceled).

You sound like you've had it very rough, and I completely understand you. When I was a young boy in Kindergarten I wanted to play Barbie with the girls. Surprise, surprise, the teacher took it off me and said, "That's for girls. You're a BOY." Hearing those words scar me even today.

I would hate your mother too if that happened to me. It sounds like your mother is very religious and won't think outside the box, not even a little. Please update me in the future how you're coping, it'd be reassuring to know if you end up in a new home, and to just get a general update on your life.

Try to stay strong for now. How old are you by the way? Depending on the country you live in and state, you could get your mother into trouble for neglect and abuse (at least from what I read it sounds like neglect and abuse).


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Hi Haven, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm up near Boston. You did fine on your introduction!  :) Get busy posting and I'll see you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Haven G,

Welcome to Susan's Place and congratulations for finding us. 

Here's some quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  
• Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
  

Hugs,
~Jill

Quote from: XiaoMei on November 24, 2014, 01:14:41 AMTry to stay strong for now. How old are you by the way? Depending on the country you live in and state, you could get your mother into trouble for neglect and abuse (at least from what I read it sounds like neglect and abuse).

I'll be fifteen in a couple months. My social worker hinted that we could possibly litigate against her for emotional abuse as some of her actions seem like she's doing them just to "break" me into being her "little girl" again. And several concerned people have pointed out that since I'm very underage it's not exactly legal to kick me out.

All that aside, thanks for the warm welcomes. I appreciate you lovely ladies reading my post :).

I hope all goes well for you. I hope she gets punished. Under no circumstances is it okay to treat a child/teenager like this!

Like I said, please keep me, or even, us all updated :).


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It gets better! Just don't wait til you are too old to enjoy your youth. You are obviously very strong. 15 was my age of leaving home too, several times. I'm now 52. My only single regret in life is not being able to fix things sooner, much much sooner. Stay strong and let us know how you are, and if there is any way we can help long distance. I slept on the streets and in my car in several states.....I fully understand.

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Welcome! Any questions or if you need anything feel free to PM me when you get enough posts :)