Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So there are two things on my mind and I guess I'll share both because they are equally bugging me. Both issues have to deal with discrimination in some form (woooooo!)

My first issue is that I am applying for a new job that pays considerably more money than I make currently. The down side? They don't cover GRS but the current place that I work for does. I am at a quandary though because my current job only covers a small list of GRS surgeons, mainly the ones that require you to wait 14+ months in order to see them. There is a particular surgeon Thomas Satterwhite, M.D. but he's not a preferred provider according to my insurance plan because he is listed as a plastic surgeon. The answer may seem simple, just stay in your current position for another 14+ months, get the surgery, and then move on. What's upsetting about this solution is that my current job is really stressing me out. Not only am I paid a lot less here than I could be paid elsewhere, I don't feel as though I am challenged at my current job anymore and to make matters worse am required to take the night shift which stresses me out to no end because there is nothing much to do. I feel like my time is being stolen from me by working at this job. Working the late shift also means that I get to see my GF substantially less and seeing friends is almost impossible. I also have a mood imbalance which makes it difficult for me to stay focused, makes me extremely anxious, and causes me to shift into a really low state of mind. My mood disorder is much worse at night especially when there is nothing for me to do to distract myself. I feel as though I am trapped with no where to go which is highly depressing. I was talking with my GF about possibly getting married so that I could be on her insurance which covers pretty much anything trans* related. I want to marry her of course because I love her to death and think we are perfect for each other but this whole thing makes me want to marry her sooner for the benefit of insurance. I really dislike making her think of marrage this early in the relationship (4 months) but I know that things will work out and was planning on asking her to marry me a year from now anyways. I just don't want to put either of us in a position that we may later regret. I have concluded that I have a few options here: dont take the job and suffer at my current job (really not preferable), risk outing myself and ask them if i can get those services covered (seems unlikely), or take the job without such benefits. Not having GRS makes me feel suicidal and highly depressed, I just really need this procedure done within less than a year.....I'm scared :'(

The second issue of discrimination that I face is with my Aunt. My Aunt has been highly understanding of me and accepting of me ever since I started my transition. She has been there for me when I needed her and I am greatful for that. Recently, I asked her if my GF and I could come visit for Thanksgiving day. She told me that she didnt think that was a very good idea. Her reasoning for this was due to the fact that my cousin, her son whom still lives with her is having a custody battle with his ex-wife over his child. She is afraid that the child might tell his mother that I am trans* and\or a lesbian. My aunt feels that this could result in the court deciding to allow the ex-wife full custody of the child. This seems rediculous to me and I feel no love from her for keeping My GF and I from celebrating Thanksgiving with them based on such an idiodic reason. I called her and told her how upset I was at such a decisin and such rational makes my GF and I not want to visit at all. My aunt then said "You don't think I'm happy for you for being who you are or finding love? I am extreemly happy for you! But there are those whom are not as open as I am and I fear that a judge might be biast against such things. You are welcome to come when he is not around. But if you or your GF dont understand that.......I need to hang up, im going to cry." She then terminated the call. I havent talked to her  since, I just dont know how to feel about this at all......ugh.......life sucks atm  :eusa_wall:

Hey Athena,

Sounds like you're going through a tough time, and I'm really sorry you're struggling. You mentioned a mood disorder...I have depression so I know how that goes. Have you considered seeing a mental health professional, first of all? It can be really helpful to have someone to talk to and maybe prescribe antidepressants through transition, which may be a good idea especially since you said you've been depressed/suicidal.

On the subject of that job, I would make a pros and cons list. It sounds silly but sometimes they can really help with making tough decisions. And you've got a hard choice to make.

And about your aunt...wow that's hard. It seems highly unlikely however that the court would rule in favor of the ex-wife just because the father introduced the child to diversity, which, let's face it, the kid is going to encounter regardless. I'd point that out to her.

I know life can be hard, but don't give up *hugs* There's hope, I promise.

Good luck with everything Athena :)

My feelings on the issue with your aunt is to envision you're part of a white family asking to bring your black girlfriend. She shouldn't be throwing you under the bus like that and it's up to her to apologize. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to speak with her, but it's on her to apologize.

I would say take the new job when they offer you a contract for it. You plan to marry your GF anyway, so propose to her, get engaged and take your time planning the wedding. At least if you propose to her she'll know that you are seriously wanting to stay with her. No need to rush it all through in 4 months. So long as you and her are married and she still has her job with the partner benefits at least you are away from the current job you despite so much. If the new job doesn't work out, then there's always another opportunity to find work elsewhere, and who knows, the next place might have trans* benefits included in their health plan.

If the new job is better and pays a lot more, you could take that extra money and pay GRS yourself - with a surgeon of your own choice?

I can only comment on the Aunt situation. Transitioning is extremely challenging for not only the individual, but for the people around them.  I know personally that I have spent days looking at resources, testimonials, and going on forums regarding transgender issues.  I can guarantee that most other people have not.  It seems that people are at a variety of stages when it comes to tolerance to acceptance to embracement.  I think that it is important to consider your Aunts position and feelings as it may be more complex than the child support.  It is important to have communication with support members even if they vary in support.

I would express to your Aunt why this this issue is hurting you.  I think that you are very lucky to have supportive SO and hope everything goes well on Thanksgiving and the only thing you need to worry about is how to fit into those skinny jeans next week :).

Quote from: anjaq on November 26, 2014, 06:05:53 PM
If the new job is better and pays a lot more, you could take that extra money and pay GRS yourself - with a surgeon of your own choice?

This was what I was thinking when I read it first.
But don't propose for the Grs. Wait until you think both of you are ready and for the right reasons.

But regarding the aunt situation. While yes it is quite upsetting, I would actually side with your aunt. The way custody battles can go, almost every little thing can be very important. And there are bias and prejudices out there. It shouldn't have any effect, but realistically it might. Especially considering the fact that your cousin still lives with your aunt. Things could get twisted by the ex wife one way or another.
I'm sure your aunt would love to have you there, and your girlfriend. And clearly you'd love to be there. But sometimes things like this are going to happen. If the custody battle was not coming up, do you think she'd have any problem with having the two of you over for Thanksgiving?