Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I plan on coming out to my mom December 9-10. For the last few months, I have been talking constantly with my mother about how there is something different about me that will make my father want to destroy me. My mother says that is hard for her to believe because my father cares so much about me. But I know that he only cares about 'Steven' and not about me. That is evident in the way he always tried to stop me from being feminine - giving me steroids is perhaps the most blatant abuse. This post is not about my father, though. If I want to keep my home and all the help that she provides, I will need my mother's support. How to come out in a way that secures that support is what I am concerned with right now. I need to know that my mother will be on my side in the event of a conflict with my father. My parents are not very close and have talked about splitting several times, but have not done so for financial reasons. My mother is always very concerned about me, and I fear that could make her uneasy about my status. I would rather be hated for being myself than loved as a pretender, and my mother knows that, but getting her support without my father's backing will not be easy given that supporting me could endanger her financially.

What I was wondering is:
-Should I focus on my past, and all the ways I have always believed myself to be female at heart, or should I emphasize the future and how transitioning is critical to a fulfilling life?
-How quickly should I bring up my medical status, and in what level of detail? I know she will wonder about that as soon as she knows I am transgendered.

It is inevitable that my parents will find out, as I still live with them. I want them to know so that I can proceed with feminizing myself. As long as they are unaware, I am vulnerable to masculinizing interventions in the name of 'helping' me.

This has been a source of constant stress for me, which is not helping my hair. I will discuss it with my therapist next Friday, but I would like some other thoughts here.

I recommend both. Anything that you can use to point things out from the past will help give you foundation that helps prove why it's extremely important to your future.
How you answer that question is totally up to you, if it comes up. In the end, honesty is the best policy. It's better put all your cards on the table and allow her to get used to everything rather than leave your status looming over everything that could cause more friction later. However if she doesn't bring it up, then I recommended waiting tell your ready to tell her. I would hope that those two coincide with each other.
Remember in the end that your transition is all about you and not your parents. I know I had one person tell me that it was awful selfish for me to focus on myself before anyone else.  Then I'm always quick to point out that I can't take care of my family without taking care of my health and well being first. This means dealing with everything without leaving anything on the table. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Steph34 on November 29, 2014, 11:17:48 AM
I plan on coming out to my mom December 9-10. For the last few months, I have been talking constantly with my mother about how there is something different about me that will make my father want to destroy me. My mother says that is hard for her to believe because my father cares so much about me. But I know that he only cares about 'Steven' and not about me. That is evident in the way he always tried to stop me from being feminine - giving me steroids is perhaps the most blatant abuse. This post is not about my father, though. If I want to keep my home and all the help that she provides, I will need my mother's support. How to come out in a way that secures that support is what I am concerned with right now. I need to know that my mother will be on my side in the event of a conflict with my father. My parents are not very close and have talked about splitting several times, but have not done so for financial reasons. My mother is always very concerned about me, and I fear that could make her uneasy about my status. I would rather be hated for being myself than loved as a pretender, and my mother knows that, but getting her support without my father's backing will not be easy given that supporting me could endanger her financially.

What I was wondering is:
-Should I focus on my past, and all the ways I have always believed myself to be female at heart, or should I emphasize the future and how transitioning is critical to a fulfilling life?
-How quickly should I bring up my medical status, and in what level of detail? I know she will wonder about that as soon as she knows I am transgendered.

It is inevitable that my parents will find out, as I still live with them. I want them to know so that I can proceed with feminizing myself. As long as they are unaware, I am vulnerable to masculinizing interventions in the name of 'helping' me.

This has been a source of constant stress for me, which is not helping my hair. I will discuss it with my therapist next Friday, but I would like some other thoughts here.

Quote from: Mariah2014 on November 29, 2014, 01:04:39 PM
I recommend both. Anything that you can use to point things out from the past will help give you foundation that helps prove why it's extremely important to your future.

That makes sense. I have a three-page list of reasons how I felt I was female at heart throughout life. That list was very helpful in convincing my therapists of my identity, so it will probably work for my mother, too. With that said, much of my past could seem irrelevant now. I do think I need to give specific reasons why feminization is critically important to my future, such as unwillingness to present as male in public places, which caused a crippling level of social avoidance throughout life.

QuoteHow you answer that question is totally up to you, if it comes up. In the end, honesty is the best policy. It's better put all your cards on the table and allow her to get used to everything rather than leave your status looming over everything that could cause more friction later. However if she doesn't bring it up, then I recommended waiting tell your ready to tell her. I would hope that those two coincide with each other.

I think I should avoid specific medication names and dosages, and use vague functional terms at first. Otherwise, I plan on being as open as possible because, after she knows I am transgendered, nothing else will really be that surprising anymore. With that said, I will regretfully need to withhold information if I feel there is any risk of my father finding out second-hand before I am ready to tell him. 

QuoteRemember in the end that your transition is all about you and not your parents.

So true; I actually see them as potential obstacles that I need to remove by winning them over.

QuoteI know I had one person tell me that it was awful selfish for me to focus on myself before anyone else.  Then I'm always quick to point out that I can't take care of my family without taking care of my health and well being first.

I feel the same way. It is hard to care about anyone else when in such a state of distress myself.

QuoteThis means dealing with everything without leaving anything on the table.

Yes, unless dealing with it would endanger my health or safety, or jeopardize my transition.

Both therapists I've seen did not place much emphasis on the past. However my current therapist did delve into it a little. Also the nurse practitioner I saw today to get on HRT asked about my past before giving me informed consent paperwork to sign.

I would say the future is what you should concentrate on. The past is done but the future is yet to come. If you will be happier as a woman then that's what you need and that can only happen in the future. However examples from the past can be used to bolster your case. Either way it doesn't look like it would be easy, so good luck.

Quote from: ImagineKate on December 01, 2014, 07:51:28 PM
I would say the future is what you should concentrate on. The past is done but the future is yet to come. If you will be happier as a woman then that's what you need and that can only happen in the future. However examples from the past can be used to bolster your case. Either way it doesn't look like it would be easy, so good luck.

I agree with this. It is for my future that I do this, and my past should be used only to improve my case that transitioning is both beneficial to my future and essential for me to have any future at all. Living every hour feeling like the 'real me' is under hormonal assault is no longer an option for me. Luck is what I really need, though. My mother still says she cannot imagine anything making my parents hate me, but I disagree. I have already received resentment from my father and indifference from my mother for feminine characteristics, so they will probably not be pleased to know that is what I am all about.

Anyway, I thank both of you for responding. It helps to feel like I am not alone.

Gladly, my mother has not said anything negative since I told her on Wednesday night. In fact, she said "I love you and always will," and "I just want you to be happy, whatever that takes."

Still, there seems to be some insincerity there. I can tell from her disturbed and negative facial expressions, together with her skepticism of the benefits of suppressing T levels. She also admitted that "This would be the hardest thing for your father to accept, of any possibility." My father is also prejudiced against gays and Muslims, but apparently this would be even harder for him to accept. Once my father knows and threatens my mother for being supportive, I fully expect both of them to try to poison me with steroids, if not outright abandon me.

So I wanted to see if anyone had any suggestions for approaching my father, a much more daunting task:
My father always wanted me to be more 'normal' and that to him means masculine. He threw out my female clothing, covertly tested my hormone levels, rubbed steroids on my back, forced me to take zinc, put vitamin D in my food, and force-fed me eggs, all to stop me from being my feminine self. He is prejudiced against women and almost every minority group in existence. Knowing that his "son" is actually a transgender woman would send his world crashing down. I fear for my money, my body, my home, even my life. Still, I plan to tell him on December 22 because I cannot go through the whole holiday season as someone else. How can I approach a monster like him? Help me please!