Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've heard it long before I even transitioned: when you have had surgery, there is a moment where you think: now what? there is a kind of emptiness that arises. I've been working towards this moment for at least 6 years now. And now that I am here, or there, I experience a kind of emptiness. The only thing I lived for the last 2 years was my SRS. And now that it is done, I lost something to live for. I think I reached all my goals in transition, leaving me thinking about what my next goal should be... confusing experience actually. I won't call it a depression, it's more like... Okay? now what?

Do/did you experience something like this? and how did it work out?

I haven't had the "whole shebang" installed yet, but I hear you.  I had an orchi and legal name/gender change July '14.  I've been fulltime since March '13.  I don't need FFS and it's too soon to know if I will need a BA.  I see a woman in the mirror now.  "He" is gone.   I am still shopping around for SRS surgeons and will not likely have it until my calendar is cleared for healing, probably in spring/summer '16.

My transition is essentially complete now.  It consumed me for so long, that "transitioning" was almost a full time endeavor in itself.   It's a done deal now.  The world treats me like a woman 99.9% of the time and it feels awesome.

At dinner one day this summer, my friend Rachel asked me, "Now what?"

I froze up like a deer in the headlights.  I had no freakin' clue what to say. and spent the next few days wondering this.

My conclusion?

Live.  Live your life to the fullest.  Be the best person you can be.  Spend as much time as you can finally enjoying the precious time you have left.  Help others who share your same predicament.  Write a book about it, even if it never sees the light of day.  Dance.  Smell the flowers.  Go back to school.   Educate others.  Fight for your right to party. (Insert Kerry King guitar solo here)  Smile.  Laugh.  Cry.  Be you. 

I love finally getting to be the real me!

To paraphrase Arthur C. Clarke in 2001: A Space Odyssey (Awesome book series, BTW)

"She was now the master of her own world.  She did not know what to do, but she would think of something."

Hugs,
Jill

Quote from: Jill F on December 02, 2014, 05:37:04 PM
I froze up like a deer in the headlights.  I had no freakin' clue what to say. and spent the next few days wondering this.

I feel exactly like this right now...

Quote from: Jill F on December 02, 2014, 05:37:04 PM
My conclusion?

Live.  Live your life to the fullest.  Be the best person you can be.  Spend as much time as you can finally enjoying the precious time you have left.  Help others who share your same predicament.  Write a book about it, even if it never sees the light of day.  Dance.  Smell the flowers.  Go back to school.   Educate others.  Fight for your right to party. (Insert Kerry King guitar solo here)  Smile.  Laugh.  Cry.  Be you. 

I got frightened when I read this... because it is so true. But I still don't know how. Something seems to hold me back, maybe it is myself. I am 36 now, getting older each year. I do not have much time left to enjoy being "young". In 20 years I push 60 already. That scares me... because I already spent 20 years dealing with dysphoria, depression, anxiety, suicidal feelings and stuff. Sometime I feel I just cannot be helped. Wasting time and procrastinating constantly... waiting for something to happen...

Quote from: Jill F on December 02, 2014, 05:37:04 PM
To paraphrase Arthur C. Clarke in 2001: A Space Odyssey (Awesome book series, BTW)

"She was now the master of her own world.  She did not know what to do, but she would think of something."

Hugs,
Jill

Niiiiice!  :D

I'm 45.  I just do whatever I can given limitations that I fully accept.   There is lots of time left for us to enjoy.

Plus, when I'm actually old, maybe I'll just get facelifts until my ears meet at the back.

Quote from: Jill F on December 02, 2014, 10:35:23 PM
I'm 45.  I just do whatever I can given limitations that I fully accept.   There is lots of time left for us to enjoy.

Plus, when I'm actually old, maybe I'll just get facelifts until my ears meet at the back.

:D ;D

Know what? I think I just found my answer... :o I know what I want!

I have to say finally getting the gender marker on my ID fixed (after my orchi) was a pretty "Meh" moment once it was all said and done. I have been living for years full time, I'm a woman and for some reason expected this to be some great moment once this was all fixed. There were so many hoops to jump through (living in GA) I guess I expected it to be some sensational feeling. It wasn't. I've gotten on with my life a long time ago, changed my career, have been enjoying my life for a while now so I suppose things like surgery and some government ID stuff doesn't really change any of the things that are important in my life. I guess I do "try to pass" on some level but honestly, I am who I am and am not proud nor ashamed.  I've gotten to a place when I am comfortable with who I am so all the drama and anxiety of being trans doesn't exist anymore.

Having done everything except GRS I have found myself wondering about this; i could see it looming on my horizon. You see, I've never had a "normal" life and now I do. I am really kind of unsure how to live it, since I have 50+ years of living the wrong life and dealing with dysphoria. That life was my "normal" life for *so* long, complete with it's coping strategies, unhappiness, and disappointments. It's all I know how to do.

I have been set free and am not quite sure what to do with my freedom now.

Quote from: Eva Marie on December 03, 2014, 01:23:49 AM
I am really kind of unsure how to live it, since I have 50+ years of living the wrong life and dealing with dysphoria. That life was my "normal" life for *so* long, complete with it's coping strategies, unhappiness, and disappointments. It's all I know how to do.

Yes. This is also what I meant.  :)

Some things are just so ingrained, that they are hard to change. For example, I can get nervous very quickly. Feeling tense all the time... I find it difficult to relax, because I don't know how. This is because of some very bad and abusive experiences from my past and childhood, where I had to be constantly alert and living in near constant tension and fear of not knowing when I would get hurt by the people that so called loved me... I never fully recovered from that, and I still feel tense, up to this day.

Big cyber hugs to you.

Post-SRS? Well. Although I will get on with my life (fix the place, find a partner, pursue a degree, improve at work, travel more), there's always room for secondary transtion improvement. The FFS procedures I skipped, more and more voice work or even VFS if I fail miserably.

Oh, and doing a bucket list of "girls only" things I had to skip but I still can do.

Quote from: PinkCloud on December 02, 2014, 05:11:53 PM

Do/did you experience something like this? and how did it work out?

I did experience this for a while, then when healing was done, just moved on, embraced womanhood and being a girl, starting dating guys, then finally got married and now have a husband, life moves on.

I asked myself the same question a few weeks ago, now what?

Do you know what the answer is 1 week post op?

Answer: Had i NOT been trans, what would i have done now?

Answer for me:

A) clear out debt (loans, credit cards)
B) put $$$ aside
C) buy condo/city house

My pension is already planned with my work so  ;D

So here you go... My roadmap at age 47

Question then... this may be a silly question or whatever... but, after you had SRS, and your gender now matches your body... does this mean you're no longer a trans woman and now a cis woman?  Or is it that after SRS and everything's done, you're still a trans woman... kind of had this going back and forth on my mind

Treat cis woman a genetic woman within medical norm and trans as not fitting medical norm

Once you are done with all your operations,  your mind now feels "good" about its body and your dysphoria is pretty much gone.

That is the major difference, you no longer allocate every second to dysphoria and start thinking of things cis woman care for. The rest of life. This of course is only my pov but i think it can answer your question.

Quote from: Myarkstir on December 03, 2014, 10:01:18 AM
Treat cis woman a genetic woman within medical norm and trans as not fitting medical norm

Once you are done with all your operations,  your mind now feels "good" about its body and your dysphoria is pretty much gone.

That is the major difference, you no longer allocate every second to dysphoria and start thinking of things cis woman care for. The rest of life. This of course is only my pov but i think it can answer your question.

Makes sense the way you put it. I guess the only thing that confused me was the word transition... I figure once transition is complete, then you wouldn't any longer be a trans woman.  And genetics, what about those with male bits with female chromosomes?

I think I read some where that you're due for SRS soon?  I envy those who have it scheduled... can't wait till I have my date... if I could change my birthday to my SRS date, I would... ( and be nice if they allowed me to take off 10 years xD )

That was a LONG time ago! I had fought my whole life for treatment and SRS back in "the bad old days" when almost nobody made it but I succeeded at age 24. After fighting so long and so hard, I just wanted to sit back and relax for awhile. I knew I had lots to learn and just immersed myself in the world of women - I had many years to catch up on. Eventually the determination and drive turned toward career and I did well for myself over the following 40 year, far better than anyone would have expected.

Pre SRS was/is now, a long forgotten nightmare.  Post SRS was/is...just life.   Big, bad, beautiful LIFE!  It pretty much is just exactly what you make it....for better or for worse.

Quote from: Alexis2107 on December 03, 2014, 04:41:52 PM
I think I read some where that you're due for SRS soon?  I envy those who have it scheduled... can't wait till I have my date... if I could change my birthday to my SRS date, I would... ( and be nice if they allowed me to take off 10 years xD )

Just got back from Brassard monday. Am now resting at home.

Life just goes on.For some SRS is a big focal point and i guess that's where the"what now" feeling comes from after they attain that goal.My own experience is that it was just one piece in the jigsaw of life.

I'm a little over 3 months post-op and recently got my civil identity change which means that even my birth certificate is modified to indicate that I am female. With this, I can say that my transition is completely finished and as others already said, life goes on. In my own case, I am very busy setting up my own business which is designed to keep me working for as long as possible, probably until I'm hitting seventy if I continue to enjoy the good health I have enjoyed up until now. I'm also writing a book so between one thing and another, the days are flying by.

As it happens, apart from pre-surgery anxiety (lot's of it)   GRS was not that big a deal for me. I never saw it as a life changer (unlike FFS which definitely was a life changing experience for me), just as something that finally made sense given that I was very comfortable finally living as a woman. Happily, after a totally trouble free recovery, I can say that I really love the extra personal comfort/confidence that comes from having a totally female appearance, amply justifying the investment.

Otherwise, I've always considered that transitioning as "an end in itself" was a very dangerous pursuit because life is not just about gender. Life is also very much about relationships with others, work, leisure activities etc.. and all of these need to be considered when making a decision to transition because once it is done, that's what you're back to, hopefully in a better place than before. My own transition came at a considerable cost on the professional front (but even that might still work out for the best...) but I have gained massively on the relationships side, especially with other women.

End of the day though, you are back to life "as usual" just presenting to the world more at peace with yourself. However, all things else being equal, that should position you to get more out of your post-transition existence than if you hadn't transitioned...





 

Quote from: Eva Marie on December 03, 2014, 01:23:49 AM
Having done everything except GRS I have found myself wondering about this; i could see it looming on my horizon. You see, I've never had a "normal" life and now I do. I am really kind of unsure how to live it, since I have 50+ years of living the wrong life and dealing with dysphoria. That life was my "normal" life for *so* long, complete with it's coping strategies, unhappiness, and disappointments. It's all I know how to do.

I have been set free and am not quite sure what to do with my freedom now.

I have wondered and maybe its kept me from starting my transition but, the thought of what comes after kinda just hit me when I seen it, my whole life has been how do I become the woman I was meant to be??? I never thought of what happens if I achieve it. Deep, really deep.... the reason I quoted you is you said50+ years???? Liar 30 maybe lol, wow you look a lot a lot younger, I hope I age like you you look great

I had no emptiness, but rather, gratification. No more abnormal cellular mass affixed to my crotch leeching happiness from my life. For me it was happiness filled with relief. No more man tumor to stare at...no more nasty flap of disgust to touch. Having goals is great, but allowing goals to give your life meaning is a whole other psychological issue all together and seems more like a fixation in order to alleviate other negative "feelings" one may have. Maybe the relief of SRS has reduced your stigma consciousness and you are unsure how to deal with it.

Quote from: Donna E on December 05, 2014, 05:03:58 AM
I'm a little over 3 months post-op and recently got my civil identity change which means that even my birth certificate is modified to indicate that I am female. With this, I can say that my transition is completely finished and as others already said, life goes on. In my own case, I am very busy setting up my own business which is designed to keep me working for as long as possible, probably until I'm hitting seventy if I continue to enjoy the good health I have enjoyed up until now. I'm also writing a book so between one thing and another, the days are flying by.

As it happens, apart from pre-surgery anxiety (lot's of it)   GRS was not that big a deal for me. I never saw it as a life changer (unlike FFS which definitely was a life changing experience for me), just as something that finally made sense given that I was very comfortable finally living as a woman. Happily, after a totally trouble free recovery, I can say that I really love the extra personal comfort/confidence that comes from having a totally female appearance, amply justifying the investment.

Otherwise, I've always considered that transitioning as "an end in itself" was a very dangerous pursuit because life is not just about gender. Life is also very much about relationships with others, work, leisure activities etc.. and all of these need to be considered when making a decision to transition because once it is done, that's what you're back to, hopefully in a better place than before. My own transition came at a considerable cost on the professional front (but even that might still work out for the best...) but I have gained massively on the relationships side, especially with other women.

End of the day though, you are back to life "as usual" just presenting to the world more at peace with yourself. However, all things else being equal, that should position you to get more out of your post-transition existence than if you hadn't transitioned...

Well said.  Agreed.

Quote from: Cristyjade30 on December 05, 2014, 05:38:56 AM
I have wondered and maybe its kept me from starting my transition but, the thought of what comes after kinda just hit me when I seen it, my whole life has been how do I become the woman I was meant to be??? I never thought of what happens if I achieve it. Deep, really deep.... the reason I quoted you is you said50+ years???? Liar 30 maybe lol, wow you look a lot a lot younger, I hope I age like you you look great

Thanks!

Yes, I started my transition at 50 and I'm about to turn 52 now. Once you've "arrived" you are at "normal" and that may take some getting used to. My everyday dysphoria is gone except for occasional triggers that cause it to happen, and living without everyday dysphoria is awesome!

I believe this clip from a certain Disney movie might speak to a few people:

http://youtu.be/pQ5_XEZ4mn8?t=21s

Go find a new dream! :)

I'm pre-op, but my therapist encouraged me to not make being transgender interchangeable with who I am. Thanks to her I'm just a girl that is living her life. Being trans is actually only a small part of that. Being trans consists of taking pills currently once a day and twice a day starting on Monday. It also means occasionally dealing with gender dysphoria which has already been reduced thanks to the fact that I don't get "excited" as easily. I don't think that will change much after SRS. On one hand the gender dysphoria should be gone completely (hopefully), but on the other hand now you have to dilate every day for the rest of your life reminding you every day that yes you're still trans. I'm hoping that dilating will eventually just be a normal part of my life and other than that I'm just like every other girl out there.

Quote from: Donna E on December 05, 2014, 05:03:58 AM
Otherwise, I've always considered that transitioning as "an end in itself" was a very dangerous pursuit because life is not just about gender. Life is also very much about relationships with others, work, leisure activities etc.. and all of these need to be considered when making a decision to transition because once it is done, that's what you're back to, hopefully in a better place than before.

It doesn't feel like I am in a better position or place.  :(

I lost pretty much everything in my life: work, friends and family. I am completely alone. Now that I am done, I cannot even celebrate with anyone and have no one to share it with. I think I am starting to lose the plot.

Quote from: PinkCloud on December 05, 2014, 01:17:16 PM
It doesn't feel like I am in a better position or place.  :(

I lost pretty much everything in my life: work, friends and family. I am completely alone. Now that I am done, I cannot even celebrate with anyone and have no one to share it with. I think I am starting to lose the plot.

This is a serious note.  I will try to be gentle.  What was, the "plot"?   What were your expectations, regarding work, friends and family?  What were your expectations for your life post transition; post SRS.

I can only assume, (not always such a good thing, assumptions), that you went over these questions with your 'therapist'(?) at some length.  I often wonder just how often these questions are glossed over in an effort to be 'supportive'.

It's an expression.   :)

http://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/lose_the_plot

Quote from: Susan522 on December 05, 2014, 01:58:59 PM

This is a serious note.  I will try to be gentle.  What was, the "plot"?   What were your expectations, regarding work, friends and family?  What were your expectations for your life post transition; post SRS.

I can only assume, (not always such a good thing, assumptions), that you went over these questions with your 'therapist'(?) at some length.  I often wonder just how often these questions are glossed over in an effort to be 'supportive'.

I am not sure anymore... I lost it.  :)

I know that my expectations were too high. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I would never be taken like a cis woman. Maybe it is self preservation through self-deceit that I thought it would be possible. Maybe I was afraid of the truth that I never could be seen as a cis woman, at best, a kind of cardboard cutout, only being treated as one in a superficial and aloof, detached way.

My therapist? Well, that didn't went so well. I ended up suing her for mistreating me and pushing me into suicide.  :( currently have no therapist anymore, and since my already fragile trust of other people, it won't be likely I will find a new one.

I know I was not like you when I finally was done with surgery. I was thinking thank goodness it's all over. Here's the thing though. Finishing everything is not a let down, it's just the start of a new beginning and the end of an old chapter in your life. Okay so you're done, or as done as you want to be. Get out there and live a life now. Go experience life in your new sex and and really learn what you have been missing. Put yourself outside of your own comfort zone and test how far you are willing to go. I tried a lot of things when I transitioned. First I went all girly girl. It was all pink this and pink that. Then I finally had my surgery and suddenly none of that mattered anymore. I don't know, I just know I changed. I settled in to where I was happy. But I still like doing things, traveling, meeting new people, doing exciting things. But eventually life catches up and things settle down to a nice normal level.

I'm not a bar person or a night club person. I don't like those places. Heck I don't even like drinking. I find just as much happiness in a good night in cuddled up in the blankets with the huskies as I could from some exotic place. But that's me and that's my life now. It's quiet, boring but makes me happy :)

Quotealways knew in the back of my mind that I would never be taken like a cis woman. Maybe it is self preservation through self-deceit that I thought it would be possible

OK.......So I am hoping that others will weigh in here because as I said at the outset, this is a serious and too real and seemingly prevalent situation.  It is as I am often a bit strident about saying, all too real.  So now the question becomes how to deal with this current reality.  The first and the best thing IMHO is to acknowledge and clearly understand that reality.  Fortunately, that seems to have already been done.

The next thing, I think would be to identify those things that by their absence are most critical and crucial to moving on.  For example in the case of life, water, oxygen, sustenance and shelter, would be considered critical needs.  Beyond that again, IMHO, comes human warmth and companionship, a feeling of self worth and self appreciation and....a sense of purpose.

As in the OP,  When you're "done", ...then what?"  Just what are your plans, hopes dreams.... for the rest of your life? Step II...Just how will I go about realizing those plans, hopes dreams....

Hope this helps.

Quote from: PinkCloud on December 05, 2014, 02:28:34 PM
I am not sure anymore... I lost it.  :)

I know that my expectations were too high. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I would never be taken like a cis woman. Maybe it is self preservation through self-deceit that I thought it would be possible. Maybe I was afraid of the truth that I never could be seen as a cis woman, at best, a kind of cardboard cutout, only being treated as one in a superficial and aloof, detached way.

My therapist? Well, that didn't went so well. I ended up suing her for mistreating me and pushing me into suicide.  :( currently have no therapist anymore, and since my already fragile trust of other people, it won't be likely I will find a new one.

Picking up on what Susan522 said, I will weigh in here as several things in the above post caught my attention. First, I am curious to know why, apart from not being able to have babies, you say you could never be taken like a cis woman. No two cis women have the exact same life experience so what do you think is going to be so different about your life as a woman compared to others?

I'm a lot older than you, 57, am a little over 6' tall and yet, for people who never knew me before, I am a woman. This is so true that in meetings etc. I am noticing more and more that the guys who are present always think what they have to say is by definition more important than anything I might have to say and I have to fight much harder than before to make myself heard ::)   

The second thing that caught my attention was your fragile trust of other people, which BTW, I got to experience first hand when you got home from your surgery. I suspect that the consequences of this may go a lot further than you imagine, maybe explaining some of the issues you have encountered ("loss of work, friends and family").

Going forward, I think this is something you would be will advised to address as our ability to connect with others is the foundation on which a happy and fullfilling life is built. As you said yourself, a lot of the emptiness you seem to be feeling comes from being alone but to avoid being alone, you have to reach out and take some risks.

The good news is that there are plenty of people out there who will take the outstretched hand, at least in my experience, which BTW also includes some very nasty knocks. That's life, you live and learn, but if you believe in yourself at all, then you have no reason not to believe in other people too. Something to consider as you wonder where to take it from here and, if you have no one right now with whom you can really talk, I think it might be worth your while to try and find a new therapist.
Wishing you all the very best!
Donna

I don't really have plans or dreams. Just existing seems to consume all of my time already. Emotionally I am completely flat. Last month two family members died. I didn't even care. I don't care if someone dies, it just doesn't hit me at all, no matter who it is. It is just who I am, it is my personality. I tried to change that, but failed doing so. Seen therapists, psychologists, read hundreds of self-help books, and nothing changed me. I just cannot seem to connect to others. I do not know how. So I guess I do it to myself.

Quote from: PinkCloud on December 05, 2014, 05:39:55 PM
I don't really have plans or dreams. Just existing seems to consume all of my time already. Emotionally I am completely flat. Last month two family members died. I didn't even care. I don't care if someone dies, it just doesn't hit me at all, no matter who it is. It is just who I am, it is my personality. I tried to change that, but failed doing so. Seen therapists, psychologists, read hundreds of self-help books, and nothing changed me. I just cannot seem to connect to others. I do not know how. So I guess I do it to myself.

I don't know how people just let loved ones go just because of little things, in reality of it being a good person had nothing to do with the way you look, how well you pass, the fact that you are trying to feel, reading self help books, seeing therapist, or were, says that you do feel, you are acknowledging the loss of emotion but acknowledging the loss means you still have it, maybe there are things in the way of feeling, my therapist explained to me that trangender people often times do things to survive, we adapt, we find ways to shut out pain,to survive, it seems like your still in that mindset, I don't know if you are in transition or have transitioned I think its the latter, but I really hope you can find happiness. I don't know you but I love you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE... I know it a forum and people can be anything on the internet, but I care about other people, cant help it. Just stay strong and please by all means if you need to talk message me.

Quote from: Cristyjade30 on December 06, 2014, 03:32:44 AM
my therapist explained to me that trangender people often times do things to survive, we adapt, we find ways to shut out pain,to survive, it seems like your still in that mindset.

Yes. This makes sense. I think I am doing that sometimes, just block it from reaching me, because of all the pain I experienced before...

   I hope you can be happy, I am thinking of getting a psychology degree and changing careers so I can help transgender people.
I am self educated and have a collection of books that literally could take a good span of good sized room. I am a nerd
what can I say.... But I read and listen to people on facebook, youtube, and this forum and my heart aches for them. I know
its a hard existence but don't give up. Something I read in the Bible got me, this to shall pass... It was simple yet profound,
nothing ever stays the same. I don't know if your Christian, I am but I will never push my beliefs on anyone.  I believe
God puts us through trial and tribulations for a reason, maybe we learn and grow as people from them. What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger. Remember that. Find the people that you deserve. Don't settle for fair weather friends. If they cant stick
around for the tough times you don't need them. We all deserve better from the company we keep. Best of luck and remember
message me if you need a ear.

I'm still only halfway there (name change and gender marker <1month away!) but I can only imagine the feeling is similar to after graduating.

I graduated highschool, and thought I'd be done with boring school, college would be like Animal House. Well, it was like Animal House, but it still was a lot of boring schoolwork and homework.

I graduated college and thought I'd find a job that made me happy and made for easy livin'. NOPE! More being broke (technically more broke with loans) and working lame jobs...

So, after those "great achievements" I just did what I do any other day: try to capitalize on opportunities, avoid risks, and have a good time.

Since then, I've paid off my loans, traveled the world, bought a house and had many deeply meaningful relationships. I'm now doing service work for very very little money, and it feels great! My family, friends, and neighbors (the good ones) are what I live for. My sister has a 5 month baby boy, and I can't wait to smother him with love, as well as help out by doing some free babysitting.

I am still transitioning, slowly ($), but it's ok. I feel like I've got transition on the back burner. Perhaps I already understand that finally getting "the surgery," while it will be a very awesome thing, is just a small detail in my life.

When I'm finished transitioning, if I haven't already, I would like to address a few other things about me:

I don't dance enough (too self-conscious)
I've stopped creating art and music
I don't give enough of myself/ I need to do more
More exercise
More traveling!
I need to make my lifestyle more sustainable (sorta contradicts with traveling  :()

I've got my list ready to go :D

Besides "problems" that I want to tackle in this life, I also have many different hobbies, or things that make me happy that I can do. Like teaching, or making art or music, I can do these all day, everyday, and share it with others... and it makes me happy!

I think the ultimate thing in my life will be adopting a child. I have long had a feeling that I would like to adopt and raise a child. Being a parent is a lifelong thing and a rewarding experience. It is probably the most effective way that I can make this world a better place.

QuoteI think the ultimate thing in my life will be adopting a child. I have long had a feeling that I would like to adopt and raise a child. Being a parent is a lifelong thing and a rewarding experience. It is probably the most effective way that I can make this world a better place.

Hmmm....Yes, children.  This is the one thing that I missed in my life.  But I will not derail this thread going in that direction, beyond saying that there are ways to mitigate that loss.

On the matter of the emotional void that has been alluded to, I might suggest a seemingly trite solution:  get a dog.  In my life, I have  had the privilege of having been loved by three wonderful dogs.  I can say without qualification, that with the exception of my current husband, my dog, who passed many years ago, was the best friend I have ever had.  Besides the unconditional love and companionship, a dog will give you a reason to get out of the house and walk and go to interesting places.  You will also encounter other dog owners, many of whom can be pretty interesting people.

Just a thought.

when your done then your done. you can move on and just enjoy your life :)