Susan's Place Transgender Resources

You'd think that passing and finally feeling correct in your own self for the most part would mean things would get better right? I've hit that bump in my life where that's not the case. In fact now that I'm passing more it's just gotten severely worse emotionally for me.
My patience is finally running out now. I'm getting outed and misgendered more in the last 3 weeks of my life than I have these last 6 months and I have no freaking clue as to why except for the fact that I'm now finally passing.

My family has not caught up to me still and it's gotten to the point I'm afraid to be in public spaces with them for fearing they'll out me and endanger my safety and my children's.
I've even had a store owner out me in front of customers! It's insane! I've never been so angry, outraged, depressed and sad about something in such a long time. I'm having panic attacks again now, loosing sleep, weight is dropping more and more because my appetite is virtually not there.
I'm such an emotional wreak that I can't even bring my self to cry.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this. That this is a normal part of transition? That when you finally do reach that passing point everyone just turns around to spite you and your safety?
I'm so freaking lost at this point.

Not so much the same as you, bur I get worried some guy will try n cop a feel n get nothing but a hand full of nuts, making him start shouting n calling me out making a scene, it makes me kinda paranoid.

I have had similar experiences although not as bad as what you describe. Often it's because people are trying harder in the first few months to get it right but actually become complacent as time goes on. Did the shop owner do it on purpose or accident? Outrageous if they did it deliberately. Back when I transitioned at work I just asked "who?" if they misgendered me or used my old name. For some people it takes a lot of reinforcement before they finally get it right consistently. My experience is that even if you are passing perfectly, if they knew you beforehand they won't really stop doing it until they change the gender marker they have for you in their head. Sadly you can't force them to do and it will only happen if they want to. Hopefully they respect you enough to do it. There was a woman at work who was getting my name right but frequently stuffing up pronouns. She said she couldn't understand why and I said to her it was probably because she still didn't see me as female, that she needed to reboot my gender marker from M to F. She understood it then and has got it right ever since. Family are a special case, if they use your former name and pronouns in private conversation with each other then it increases the likelihood they will get it wrong in public - again you can't force them to change. But maybe using the wrong pronouns for them might make them pay more attention.

The store owner incident was a deliberate situation sadly. 3 instances (vape shop owner) who knew me before my transition. She refused to stop calling me my children's mother at one point. Than just last week was having a conversation with 2 customers in her store and they referred to me in male pronouns and she pipped up and tried correcting them with female and i quickly snapped back male again as to which she looked like I had offended her. Than 2 days later husband went to grab something from her and she mentioned me in female pronouns to him and he had to correct her again and I quote from him, "She looked like I was going to burn in hell for doing that"
So we just decided not to ever go back there again.

As for family, it's pretty much split in 3rds. 1/3rd refuse to listen to corrections, explanations on the subject or even correct themselves. Another 1/3rd will blurt the wrong things out and then try to correct themselves if they catch it or I glare at them. and the last 1/3rd haven't hand an issue since I came out really at all (which this last part is exclusive to my husband/children and brother.)
It's that first 1/3rd of family members that scare me the most because sadly they are the most entwined in my life right now with my children and due to certain restrictions at this moment I can't just tell them to F off. It's so very aggravating and stressful.
My daughter is performing at her church(i'm not religious but she chose to be which is ok) and I want to go see her, but my grandfather(the one who just ignores all reason) will be there too and the last time this happened it was nothing but female pronouns and my birth name and I'm so deathly afraid in a conservative christian church he's going to out me and I don't even want to think of the confrontation I'll get.

Yes, taking your business elsewhere seems to be the best approach to the shop. Maybe see if you can't get others to boycott it as well.
As for family, obstinacy knows no bounds sometimes. I guess you could refuse to speak to your grandfather until he is respectful.

seems the woman has a mental retardation issue if she needs corrected all the time.

Quote from: Hex on December 07, 2014, 05:12:19 AM
I'm so deathly afraid in a conservative christian church he's going to out me and I don't even want to think of the confrontation I'll get.

Let me tell you part of my story ....

Early in my transition I took my very elderly mother-in-law out to a local restaurant. I had switched social roles about 4 months previously and was pre-HRT but I was putting a lot of work into my appearance and voice but I was quite certain that I did not pass well. My mother-in-law is accepting but sometimes forgetful and has a mischevious streak a mile wide. I was sitting with her when she saw someone she knew but had not seen for a long time and she chatted with for a while. Then she introduced me with the line "This is my son-in-law. He has changed a bit". The other woman looked at me, looked at her, looked at me again  and then leaned over and said quietly "She's getting a bit confused these days". I just nodded and smiled back.

The moral of the story? Go to the church as macho male as you can. Don't shave. If you have a deep voice then use it and if "Grandpa" is stupid enough to refer to you as a woman then just say "Losing it again Gramps? Are you skipping your pills?" in a nice deep voice. Nothing triggers people like voice.

Other than that, just stay away from him and sit in a different part of the church.

Quote from: Hex on December 07, 2014, 04:36:42 AM
You'd think that passing and finally feeling correct in your own self for the most part would mean things would get better right? I've hit that bump in my life where that's not the case. In fact now that I'm passing more it's just gotten severely worse emotionally for me.
My patience is finally running out now. I'm getting outed and misgendered more in the last 3 weeks of my life than I have these last 6 months and I have no freaking clue as to why except for the fact that I'm now finally passing.

My family has not caught up to me still and it's gotten to the point I'm afraid to be in public spaces with them for fearing they'll out me and endanger my safety and my children's.
I've even had a store owner out me in front of customers! It's insane! I've never been so angry, outraged, depressed and sad about something in such a long time. I'm having panic attacks again now, loosing sleep, weight is dropping more and more because my appetite is virtually not there.
I'm such an emotional wreak that I can't even bring my self to cry.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this. That this is a normal part of transition? That when you finally do reach that passing point everyone just turns around to spite you and your safety?
I'm so freaking lost at this point.

I have the opposite problem.  I get unwanted attention by men.  But in your situation there is nothing you can do.  You simply can not control other people.  You just can't. 

Hex,
wow, I'm sorry this is happening. I'm sure this will pass as the memory of the "past you" fades from those peoples' minds, but experiencing this now must be very rough.

This shop owner-incident is outrageous though. Can you take your money somewhere else, even if it means ordering stuff online?

I have found a new shop we can visit thankfully. Going to try and scope them out this weekend.
As for my grandpa, we've tried the whole, stop talking to, pulling the kids weekends away from them thing and it helps for maybe a few days because they realize they've made me mad but it doesn't last sadly.

I have a Brother-in-law who keeps using old name and pronouns. I avoid him as much as I can. It's about all I can do.

I would talk to a manager or higher up regarding the person in the store. It is a good thing you didn't point at that moment directly as it does not solve a thing but.. a store is about reputation and that person insulting you is not a good example of reputation for that store at all.

Sadly Kirey it's an mom and pop shop and the owner was the one who caused the issues so there isn't much I can do except never go there again

The only people I will give this license to are my kids... not even my wife.

QuoteSadly Kirey it's an mom and pop shop and the owner was the one who caused the issues so there isn't much I can do except never go there again

Sigh. Whatever happened to "The customer is always right?" (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Fmad.gif&hash=2be79bb1f4e13f48d20ed360196901bfeedb60c3)

I'd go back one more time, just long enough to tell them why they'll never see you again. People like that need to know that their attitudes cost them business.