Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is more of a whine/rant than anything.  I've got 4 friends who (I thought) supported me and my transition.  Apparently, as I am, more and more acting as myself instead of the 'girl' they've always seen, they are each deciding that I am....wrong about being transgendered.  One of my friends found a very old photo of me and says he sees how happy I am in it.  I don't see happy.  I see overweight, faking it and trying to fit in w/ one of my uber-girly friends, and being slightly tipsy.  Not happy. 

Another friend says that all I have to do is act like me without trying to live up to social/marital/family expectations and I'll be fine. No sense in trying to  physically or chemically change, just act like I feel.  PS this same friend says that everyone covers and acts and pretends. She says that is what civilization is built on.  Please tell me she is wrong, that not everyone has been as masking and self-deluding as I have been all my life.

So, two allies down, one silent and iffy and the other in the middle of her own personal crisis (which I am trying to be supportive about.).  I feel like I finally trusted someone enough to stand on their ladder and now they are jerking their ladder out from under me. 

And I don't have the words to explain.  Don't really have the desire to explain.   :-\

So, anyone got any coping skills they want to share?   

Chris--who is in a mood and will be hitting the gym extra hard today

They still support you but a lot of people do not understand why it is needed. My sister, while talking to my own doctor, suddenly felt the need to express she does not see the need of me starting with hormones and my mom avoided the subject till a few weeks ago now she realizes it really is happening.

They don't need to understand why, not everyone does. It is already good to have people who stick by your side no matter what. Even if they might disagree.

Thanks for the reply, Kirey.    I know my friend is trying to help.  But his answer to "I'm feeling dysphoric today" was to bring up an old picture of me and suggest I grow out my hair and start wearing makeup again to be happy.   When I am trying to look my masculine best (and knowing how badly I'm failing at it), this wasn't a good answer for me today. 

I try not to say too much to my friends about my transition/or lack thereof.  I know they have more important things in their lives going on other than me and my issues.  But today isn't a good one and I was hoping for a little bolstering.  Like I said, just being whiny today. 

Chris

PS I guess the saddest part for me is that I  don't think I can be open about my transition with him anymore.  Self-preservation and all that.  As small as my support group is, this loss really hurts. 

Hey Chris,  I think it is fair to acknowledge, as playwrights have, that we all wear a social mask of sorts.  People just don't see or want to recognize that what we did to once be girly girls or man up was a social construct but not the core identity we deal with here.  I have friends who will remind me I apparently did a good job of faking it along the way.  I was once a convincing man to those who knew me superficially.  I did cope with being trans in hiding and it ultimately worked against my better interests.

If we have a friend who really listens I ask them to imagine waking up and they are now a man or woman, opposite their current cis identity.  How would they feel? what would they do?  They are still "themselves" but in a very different body.  Your storehouse of compassion, tolerance and patience will be tested.  It seems not too many people want to work thru the complexities we pose.  It is so much easier to just think in simple back and white, girl/boy terms.  Thank you for trying.

Quote from: Tessa James on December 08, 2014, 11:43:36 AM
Hey Chris,  I think it is fair to acknowledge, as playwrights have, that we all wear a social mask of sorts.  People just don't see or want to recognize that what we did to once be girly girls or man up was a social construct but not the core identity we deal with here.

I think that's a perfect way to put it, Tessa!  Maybe I will try to explain it that way to my friends.  I guess I'm having a hard time differentiating support and (not) understanding.  I really do appreciate my friends' support and concern.  Sometimes, it's just hard to see the support amidst the concern! 

So when do I take up for myself and when do I swallow back my protests that I am, too, FTM, and not looking for a drastic way to change my life just because?

Quote from: FriendsCallMeChris on December 08, 2014, 05:36:33 PM
I think that's a perfect way to put it, Tessa!  Maybe I will try to explain it that way to my friends.  I guess I'm having a hard time differentiating support and (not) understanding.  I really do appreciate my friends' support and concern.  Sometimes, it's just hard to see the support amidst the concern! 

So when do I take up for myself and when do I swallow back my protests that I am, too, FTM, and not looking for a drastic way to change my life just because?

Yes, some of our friends may be feeling a real deep sense of loss but sort of act that out in ways that feel like crap.  Some of my old friends were initially surprised that I was so happy about transitioning with few regrets.  I don't know any trans person who "wanted" to be in a minority where people are murdered for just being themselves.  We can also turn that around like gay people do and ask them "if it is a choice, when did you chose to be male or female?"  It is commendable that you care enough about them to keep trying. 

Quote from: FriendsCallMeChris on December 08, 2014, 09:56:52 AM
So, anyone got any coping skills they want to share?   

Yeah, find new friends? "Friends" who don't support me as Kate will not be my friends. It's really that easy. Friends are a dime a dozen and true friends stick by you no matter what.

I am and have been independent throughout most of my life, and somewhat of a loner. I really have nothing to lose.

QuoteChris--who is in a mood and will be hitting the gym extra hard today

I hear ya dude. Gonna do the same myself in an hour or so.

The two worst things I've had to deal with is my oldest sister flat out rejecting me, I try not to think about it and succeed most of the time, and my mom being in denial. She was so convinced I was going to change my mind. Then she started to see how quickly I was progressing in my transition and what it meant to me. She probably still has a hard time with it, but she's much more accepting of me now. I just had to show her how determined I was.

With my sister, I put the ball in her court. I told her not to talk to me until she was ready to accept me as her sister. I haven't heard from her since. I'm hoping it will change some day, but that's her choice not mine.

So everyone here sees such friends as no friends, really? As soon a friend starts doubting as what you been thinking about for 15+ years, they are no longer your friends? That is just weird.

I don't want to lose friends.  I want to help them understand why I need to transition.  To these friends, it seems like a want instead of a need. And one of these friends is gay--in the Deep South.  The other friend has known me for decades and has known I've always had to rein in a big part of myself to 'fit in'. I thought they would both understand a bit better (had thought they WERE understanding ) but the closer I move to transitioning the more they try to convince me not to. In a kind way as if they were trying to talk a child out of a silly idea.  I love my friends and hope we all work through this.   I'm just discouraged with their attitudes/understandings

Claim and own your power. Explain, be kind, have patience and if all else fails: do it anyway. You get one shot at this in this life time. Make it count. Friends come and go, you will be you, even 30 years from now.

Your best bet is find alternate ways to explain it to them, but in the end they either accept you or they don't. You can't force them to accept you. You would think being gay would open their mind, but I've heard a lot of youtube lesbians say that many lesbians can be just as bad as straight people. They see that many lesbians treatment of bisexuals is horrible and say they are just confused or going through a phase. They encourage their viewing audience to learn to accept them.

Quote from: FriendsCallMeChris on December 10, 2014, 06:37:27 AM
I don't want to lose friends.  I want to help them understand why I need to transition.  To these friends, it seems like a want instead of a need. And one of these friends is gay--in the Deep South.  The other friend has known me for decades and has known I've always had to rein in a big part of myself to 'fit in'. I thought they would both understand a bit better (had thought they WERE understanding ) but the closer I move to transitioning the more they try to convince me not to. In a kind way as if they were trying to talk a child out of a silly idea.  I love my friends and hope we all work through this.   I'm just discouraged with their attitudes/understandings