Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Last night my wife wanted to talk to me about my transition. It seems i have not been talking to her enough about what it actually means, thought i had.
i asked her a some months ago how she felt about me possibly going into HRT, she said if it made me happy and i was sure it´s
what i want then we would find a way of making that work for us. Last night she was worried, said that i would not need her if i went through with it,
that i would just want a boyfriend instead.  i tried to tell her the best way i could that i don´t need a boyfriend, i just need her and our boy,
she then said she is worried about how this will affect him.  He is only ten, she wished i could just wait with this until he is old enough to handle it,
that she worries that kids at school will make life very hard for him.  i told her that i share her worries but console myself with the fact that
bullying is not tolerated anymore, is handled correctly.  My boy and i have always been very close, he has not had any worries about the
changes he has observed in me for the last four years or so, even reminded me to talk of myself as she not he. (in our language feminine and masc wording)
i told her i can´t wait much longer, that time is not my friend, would be old by the time he grows to be a man.  She worries about that he will want
to emulate me, but i don´t agree with her, see no signs of that. This talk was upsetting me.

Now today i have been thinking so much about this.  i feel i am being unreasonable, too caught up in myself, but at the same time i feel angry and hurt.
i tried to talk to her just earlier, but she did not want to talk really.  i guess i should have left it alone. Told her that i am worried about us now
and she looked at me with anger in her eyes and said It´s just too much, i need time, but i blurted out, i don´t think you will be able to handle this.
How do you know she replied, was it not you that said we should be optimistic?
You are angry i said, well you are just too demanding was the reply. Seething with anger now, i said you know what no don´t bother thinking about it.

She went out to do something and i am back in male clothes, feeling disgusted with myself, wanting to close Pandora´s box again but i know i can´t.
i know what a queen sized jerk i am, am a selfish self obsessed person, really hate myself now. Just want to turn back time if only i could.
Was looking out the window just now and saw mister rapist getting into his car, he could feel my burning eyes on him and as he sat down under
the wheel he flipped me a birdie. i muttered to myself i just want to kill you mf.

Hi Linda,

I'm sorry it's difficult for you and your wife at the moment. Please try to accept that transitioning isn't a selfish act. I can totally relate to the sentiment, I have the same feelings of guilt. But transitioning isn't like buying a new car for yourself something like that -- it's about becoming "whole". Every person deserves to have that.

Whether you transition or not -- this is not going to turn your son one way or another. And he is lucky -- he has a chance to learn that it's ok to explore and express your gender freely, regardless of what your assigned sex at birth was. Should he question his own identity at some point, he will know he doesn't have to hide. Maybe he will grow up to be an ally.

Give your wife some space, some time. It's difficult for her -- and that's ok. She is allowed to have these feelings. But they don't mean you're unreasonable.

This is a rough situation to be in, as for those who haven't felt what we feel,  they see it as more of a life style change and not the necessity it is. I can't speak for your experiences, but I would think, if she is truly worried about your child, that having a second function mother is worth far more then a broken father. I don't have any studies to report, but from what I have read, as much as children emulate their parents in ways, it is extremely unlikely your child is going to magically become trans if they aren't already.  Your family is important, but so is your well being, your wife needs to understand that trying to pretend non of this is happening until "the right time", because there will always be some reasons why it's inconvenient. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you can resolve things with your wife without giving up who you are.

Quote from: adrian on December 12, 2014, 09:30:33 AM
Hi Linda,

I'm sorry it's difficult for you and your wife at the moment. Please try to accept that transitioning isn't a selfish act. I can totally relate to the sentiment, I have the same feelings of guilt. But transitioning isn't like buying a new car for yourself something like that -- it's about becoming "whole". Every person deserves to have that.

Whether you transition or not -- this is not going to turn your son one way or another. And he is lucky -- he has a chance to learn that it's ok to explore and express your gender freely, regardless of what your assigned sex at birth was. Should he question his own identity at some point, he will know he doesn't have to hide. Maybe he will grow up to be an ally.

Give your wife some space, some time. It's difficult for her -- and that's ok. She is allowed to have these feelings. But they don't mean you're unreasonable.

Thank you Adrian, words of wisdom there.  Made up with my wife, am giving this thing a rethink though, i am moving too fast for both of us.
Yes am going to give her the time she needs and try and hold myself back a little. i did it for a lifetime, so a bit more time won´t kill me.
Dealing with transition requires a somewhat balanced mind and i am not there yet, in a few weeks i am hoping that i will be in a better place with my feelings.
Am still an internal mess over a r that happened just over a couple of months ago, plus i am quitting a very long going Cannabis habit.
i am strong but there are limits to what i can deal with at one time and there is my family to consider. Been enough drama lately.

Sorry about the self pity earlier, i was all mixed up.
You helped me, i am grateful
Linda

Quote from: Ellesmira the Duck on December 12, 2014, 10:06:11 AM
This is a rough situation to be in, as for those who haven't felt what we feel,  they see it as more of a life style change and not the necessity it is. I can't speak for your experiences, but I would think, if she is truly worried about your child, that having a second function mother is worth far more then a broken father. I don't have any studies to report, but from what I have read, as much as children emulate their parents in ways, it is extremely unlikely your child is going to magically become trans if they aren't already.  Your family is important, but so is your well being, your wife needs to understand that trying to pretend non of this is happening until "the right time", because there will always be some reasons why it's inconvenient. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you can resolve things with your wife without giving up who you are.

Thank you kindly Ellesmira, we intend to find that way together.  i have faith in her, it´s understandable that this scares her at this time.

Quote from: lindagrl on December 12, 2014, 10:14:42 AM
Thank you kindly Ellesmira, we intend to find that way together.  i have faith in her, it´s understandable that this scares her at this time.

I'm glad to hear that, I hope you can reach a point where you no longer feel guilty about transitioning. I struggled with it awhile before I came out and in the early processes. It's much harder when people continue to make you feel guilty over thing.

Linda, glad you and your wife made up :). Yes, do take things at a slower pace if needed. I'm learning to accept that I need to go slower with things too... It's debilitating at times, but hopefully it means fewer bumps in the road later on.

Quote from: adrian on December 12, 2014, 11:20:49 AM
Linda, glad you and your wife made up :). Yes, do take things at a slower pace if needed. I'm learning to accept that I need to go slower with things too... It's debilitating at times, but hopefully it means fewer bumps in the road later on.

warm hugs  :)

A friend of mine has a transgender parent who transitioned when he was about 11. Though I only think he told close friends, he wasn't massively affected by his mother's transition and respected her decision. He didn't have any issues at school, (he didn't tell his schoolmates unless they were close) and is quite popular.

It will most likely affect your son in the short term but I think children are more accepting than teenagers and a transition later during his development and high school years could affect him far more than it would now.

just a few cents thrown in here. I've lived with this thing for 63 years and I'm finally able to do it. The thing is that I've been alone my whole life wondering when someone would come into my life. It never happened. My personal view is that your incredibly fortunate to have what has always been out of my reach for whatever the reason has been. I really hope your able to keep something so precious as your family. Dysphoria is f$$$$d up , but a family is so precious.

OP, one question: are you on HRT? If so, awesome. If not, remember what you said: time is not your friend. I think weed hurts HRT so I'd cut down as I only smoke a little. Anyhoo, it sounds like a tough situation. If you are on or gtoing on HRT, have you considered moving. I think it's hard to really comment without knowing where you're at in transition.

If you live fulltime and are on HRT is a huge difference from not being on it, being forced into a male role, and just seeing  therapist. I think a lot of the women here would be able to help you more if they knew where you're at. I'm 31, wait 32, ugh, been on HRT for 20 months and feel super duper. I imagine you're not much older, prolly 37 I bet, and that's not old at all. But remember your own words: time is not ur friend.

Like for instance, does your wife call you she. I had a GF who would not tolerate HRT when I was 25, so I never went on it and then...ugh I don';t even want to think about it. But she did at least acknowledge my condition and called me she to everyone and corrcted people. She called me her GF and a woman with a birth defect. She saw me naked so....at the end she started denying stuff...it was awful...I can't imagine what our marriage would have looked like.

I was going to transtion at 21 when there was no You Tube or sites like this. My brother had a cellphone and it had snake on it and it was so advanced for it's time. But I came down with a bad case of leukemia so it stopped everything and when I beat it and went to transtion, I met her.

But now I have my Bf who I love and adore and he feels the same and loves me too.

Quote from: speckyhailey on December 12, 2014, 11:33:17 AM
A friend of mine has a transgender parent who transitioned when he was about 11. Though I only think he told close friends, he wasn't massively affected by his mother's transition and respected her decision. He didn't have any issues at school, (he didn't tell his schoolmates unless they were close) and is quite popular.

It will most likely affect your son in the short term but I think children are more accepting than teenagers and a transition later during his development and high school years could affect him far more than it would now.

Thank you for this information Hailey. We were discussing our son earlier during a good talk where we were able to find common ground.
Will pass this on to her.
To clarify the situation with me now, i am back in the clothes that fit me (feels so weird to wear the other ones now) am still intent on attending
the local trans group Xmas gathering, which should be between the 15th and 17th so i am not pulling back from that, am just giving my wife
more room to breathe, not rushing her like i was.  Still want HRT but i will need to find a good T first that has experience with transgenders,
i need someone on my side to help me through the strict screening process.

Quote from: stephaniec on December 12, 2014, 11:39:45 AM
just a few cents thrown in here. I've lived with this thing for 63 years and I'm finally able to do it. The thing is that I've been alone my whole life wondering when someone would come into my life. It never happened. My personal view is that your incredibly fortunate to have what has always been out of my reach for whatever the reason has been. I really hope your able to keep something so precious as your family. Dysphoria is f$$$$d up , but a family is so precious.

i am truly sorry if babbling about my wife upsets anyone, i wouldn´t do it except it´s what´s going on now, trying to make this family work during transition.
Thank you for your support and encouragement, as someone said in another thread, love can overcome any obstacle.
i wish you happiness too
Linda

Quote from: Joanna Dark on December 12, 2014, 11:40:56 AM
OP, one question: are you on HRT? If so, awesome. If not, remember what you said: time is not your friend. I think weed hurts HRT so I'd cut down as I only smoke a little. Anyhoo, it sounds like a tough situation. If you are on or gtoing on HRT, have you considered moving. I think it's hard to really comment without knowing where you're at in transition.

If you live fulltime and are on HRT is a huge difference from not being on it, being forced into a male role, and just seeing  therapist. I think a lot of the women here would be able to help you more if they knew where you're at. I'm 31, wait 32, ugh, been on HRT for 20 months and feel super duper. I imagine you're not much older, prolly 37 I bet, and that's not old at all. But remember your own words: time is not ur friend.

Like for instance, does your wife call you she. I had a GF who would not tolerate HRT when I was 25, so I never went on it and then...ugh I don';t even want to think about it. But she did at least acknowledge my condition and called me she to everyone and corrcted people. She called me her GF and a woman with a birth defect. She saw me naked so....at the end she started denying stuff...it was awful...I can't imagine what our marriage would have looked like.

I was going to transtion at 21 when there was no You Tube or sites like this. My brother had a cellphone and it had snake on it and it was so advanced for it's time. But I came down with a bad case of leukemia so it stopped everything and when I beat it and went to transtion, I met her.

But now I have my Bf who I love and adore and he feels the same and loves me too.

No, not on HRT and might not be allowed to, a long process lays ahead. First t work, then living as a woman for one year, then perhaps if a committee of doctors
deems me fit HRT begins, but i will have to pay it myself. If i get that far and opt for surgery also, that´s when the government chips in. Live in Iceland, am 53,
thanks for thinking me 37 :)
No she does not call me she yet, but our boy tells her to, i don´t want to push.  She does call me Linda sometimes and i so love that of course.

You have had a rough time, had to earn your place by the sound of it. i can´t overstate how important success stories are to me at this stage of my transition.
Really happy for you, inspiring story Joanna.
It´s true though, time is not my friend, but a few weeks getting my act together will help me be ready for some serious T work.

Wow, those are tough regulations! But if you look at the before and after thread here, you'll see that there are many fabulous looking later-transitioners :). I go to a trans group where I live and it consists of 99% women, many of them past 50. They all look great! Not all of them pass necessarily, not all of them are on hrt, but if you see how happy they are to be who they are meant to be, you see it was the right decision for them to start on their journey -- even if it started a bit later.

Quote from: adrian on December 13, 2014, 02:52:32 PM
Wow, those are tough regulations! But if you look at the before and after thread here, you'll see that there are many fabulous looking later-transitioners :). I go to a trans group where I live and it consists of 99% women, many of them past 50. They all look great! Not all of them pass necessarily, not all of them are on hrt, but if you see how happy they are to be who they are meant to be, you see it was the right decision for them to start on their journey -- even if it started a bit later.

That´s the kind of inspirational message i love to read.  Have made a decision. Going to drive my doubts out of my mind, ignore the nightly nightmares
and i won´t even think about how i am going to keep my extended family and few friends from freaking out, my goal is straight ahead and i´m going to give it my best.
i will have to get with this crazy program and convince the committee of my worth to earn the right to be me, so that´s what i will do.
The best preparation i can have for that is attaining balance in my mind and get all the good info i can. Thanks Adrian, love you my sisters
Susan´s is the best, proud to be here

Hope you can work things out amicably with her. Sometimes a relationship can survive the transition process - sometimes not. It may depend on a lot of factors including whether your wife can potentially see herself as a woman sexually attracted to other women. If she identifies exclusively as hetro then you may have an uphill struggle.

Hi Linda,

I know from experience that this is a hard time. The situation where all seems well one minute and then hell on earth the next. I agree that it's hard for partners, but our own guilt is far harder I think.

Time is not your friend. It all depends on what your needs are. You could say "priorities", but I think that gender identity issues defy prioritisation - they are just front and foremost once they are out of the bottle.

We want to stay with our partners. But putting off will only cause resentment and sends the message that being trans and wanting to transition is "not so important after all".

Make sure you don't lose sight of yourself and your needs amidst trying to keep everything in balance.

Take care, and hugs!

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 13, 2014, 05:58:54 PM
Hope you can work things out amicably with her. Sometimes a relationship can survive the transition process - sometimes not. It may depend on a lot of factors including whether your wife can potentially see herself as a woman sexually attracted to other women. If she identifies exclusively as hetro then you may have an uphill struggle.

Well it´s looking better now.  After our crisis my wife needed to think this through and i gave her space to do that. Late last night when i thought she had was asleep
and i was deep in thought i felt her lips on the back of my neck and her arms wrapped around me.  She said, if this is what you really need to do i am with you,
i give you my consent.  It was a magic moment, one i won´t forget and i told her dear this is the best gift i have received, you give me life.  We have had problems
before but we both believe in our love and want to make this family work and so we find a way.  i know there will be other times when worries or doubts will trouble her
and i am just going to take this one step at a time.  Our sex life had already changed in the last few years, it´s more loving and intimate now, like a couple of lesbians.
It did bother her at first, she considers herself hetero, but we worked it, our common sense of humor has really helped with that.  If she decides that she wants
a lover to fulfill her sexual needs we will deal with that too.  Maybe i am being too optimistic, but i really believe in our love.

Quote from: rosinstraya on December 13, 2014, 06:32:40 PM
Hi Linda,

I know from experience that this is a hard time. The situation where all seems well one minute and then hell on earth the next. I agree that it's hard for partners, but our own guilt is far harder I think.

Time is not your friend. It all depends on what your needs are. You could say "priorities", but I think that gender identity issues defy prioritisation - they are just front and foremost once they are out of the bottle.

We want to stay with our partners. But putting off will only cause resentment and sends the message that being trans and wanting to transition is "not so important after all".

Make sure you don't lose sight of yourself and your needs amidst trying to keep everything in balance.

Take care, and hugs!

Hi Rosinstraya
Yes i have been going from elation to despair so often my head spins and trying to deal with the constant feeling of guilt. Yeah it´s hard.
There will be no postponement, that is a huge relief to me as i was feeling like i was running down the platform chasing after a train without a ticket to my name.
i am not prepared to sacrifice my family, i will find a way to make this work.

Our boy asked me out of the blue just earlier what he had said when i first told him that i like to think of myself as female. You asked me why and i told you
that it´s how i feel best about myself, it makes me happy. After he had thought about that for a minute i asked him, are you okay with dad wanting to be
feminine? He nodded his head. Why are you okay with it son? Because you are better was the short reply.

Tomorrow i may be a near basket again, my head in my hands after another bad dream, i don´t know, i hope not. At least today has been a relatively good day.
i still don´t know when the Xmas gathering at the local transgender group will be held.  Was told by the foreman that she would contact me about it, it´s silly
but it´s what i worry about most these last few days that i won´t get that call, will be left out for being too weird. Darn it, there i go again

Quote from: lindagrl on December 13, 2014, 06:38:18 PM
Well it´s looking better now.  After our crisis my wife needed to think this through and i gave her space to do that. Late last night when i thought she had was asleep
and i was deep in thought i felt her lips on the back of my neck and her arms wrapped around me.  She said, if this is what you really need to do i am with you,
i give you my consent.  It was a magic moment, one i won´t forget and i told her dear this is the best gift i have received, you give me life.  We have had problems
before but we both believe in our love and want to make this family work and so we find a way.  i know there will be other times when worries or doubts will trouble her
and i am just going to take this one step at a time.  Our sex life had already changed in the last few years, it´s more loving and intimate now, like a couple of lesbians.
It did bother her at first, she considers herself hetero, but we worked it, our common sense of humor has really helped with that.  If she decides that she wants
a lover to fulfill her sexual needs we will deal with that too.  Maybe i am being too optimistic, but i really believe in our love.

Hi Linda, sounds a good step forward. Happy for you... Was a bit sad for you when I read the opening statement... Definitely a roller coaster... stay positive, I am sure things will all work out right....
Sorry to hear that the rules around HRT are so tough... hope you can win that one  :-*

L Katy

Go, Linda [emoji4]  I'm happy for you that your wife is supportive -- I can imagine how much it means to you.

Thank you Katy and Adrian, i appreciate your words of support.  i am doing okay today, long may that last.
It might seem to some that i am an insufferable drama queen, but i actually think i am doing well considering what i am dealing with.
i am not healed from a recent r, it really knocked the stuffing out me and is to a large extent the reason behind my suffering self image
and lack of confidence in all matters. No one who has not gone through it can know what a soul crushing debilitating thing that is.

It´s two steps forward and one to two steps back, but i can feel myself getting it better together with each day that passes.
It´s two months since i stopped using weed so my head has cleared much and dread is less an issue now, all good things.
Have decided to get an interview with the head psychologist over the trans program. The guy scares me but i have to do it,
perhaps i am all wrong and he will be supportive of my transition.
Linda