Susan's Place Transgender Resources

A lesson I learned this week........



3 months ago I arrived at the fork-in-the-road moment, choose a funny farm (I'm not suicidal but I can DEFINITELY see where many have ended it) and slide down hill to the never ending abyss of depression, anxiety, dysphoria...you know the routine.

When I said to myself in the the bathroom mirror, out loud: "I am transgender", it was a clear line in the sand.   I chose life rather than death.  An all-in view of life, no more slouching on the couch trying to exist at night after bringing the kids home from the local kids/recreation center.  No more trudging through days by looking at the clock, hoping to find a ray of light as an oasis for the crushing journey that never ends.

No, I 'chose' life.  All of it.  Albeit my only 'choice' was to live it as female, that's just the hand I was dealt. 

I've been accused of making a 'choice' to be a woman.  As if anyone wakes up one day and says "yeah, I'm going to live as the other gender the rest of my life, what a great idea!"  Ummm no.

The only 'choice' is to slide into oblivion/end it all or 'choose' to live life as the opposite gender and accept all the crap storms that will be handily delivered to you over time.   

You accuse me of being selfish, well......

I'm not selfish, as I'm accused.  I 'chose' life. 

I'm not selfish, as I'm accused, I chose to continue to support my family as I always enjoyed, even in the toughest times.

I'm not selfish, as I'm accused, I sacrifice years without sex in a nearly 2-decade old marriage.  I do not hold it against her, to do so, would be selfish.

I'm not selfish, as I'm accused, more than a decade and a half living in a romance-less marriage is a challenge for me, but I have learned to accept it.  If I were selfish, I'd look elsewhere, I'm not, I choose to remain in a marriage to support her and the kids.

I'm not selfish, as I'm accused, as I listen to you tell me I'm selfish yet never hear my heart nor my struggle, you only want to talk over me and make sure you tell me I'm "deceived".   I listen to you, why can't you listen to my heart? :(

I'm not selfish, as I'm accused, when I leave for work I say "I love you."  Yet you don't respond, or respond with "if you really loved me you wouldn't have done this to the kids!"

I'm not selfish, as I'm accused, as I ask if I can make you breakfast or pickup dinner on the way home from work so you don't have to cook dinner. 

I'm not selfish, as I'm accused, I don't hold it against you that you spend many hours each day playing on the PS3/PS4 yet won't lift a finger on your iPhone or iPad to text me to just say "Hi".  I don't hold it against you.

I'm not selfish, as I'm accused, nor am I codependent.  I conquered that years ago.

I'm not selfish for 'choosing' life.  I 'choose' to live life to the fullest even if you gather your minions against me.

I'm not selfish for being the best I can be and not seeing much of anything in return. 

I'm not selfish, I'm me.  Evidently you can't accept this fact whether I am a man or transition into a woman.   

And as one of your acquaintances said to you "it would have been better that he put a bullet in his head rather than live as a woman because the family wouldn't have to go through all this."  (This isn't a selfish statement????) 

You get to 'be' you, in all your harsh, word-slinging ways. 

So tell me why is 'being' myself such a bad thing with all the things I do & sacrifice for you and the family?

Evidently, being myself isn't harsh nor selfish.   I can live with that.

"I'm going to be the best 'me' there's ever been."

Big hug! It's not an easy path to be on. We'll walk it with you.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: michelle1 on December 12, 2014, 06:24:29 PM
Evidently, being myself isn't harsh nor selfish.   I can live with that.

"I'm going to be the best 'me' there's ever been."

Well said!

Think not being yourself is selfish. It not only hurts us, but those around us. Well done Michelle, follow your heart and be yourself xx

Thank you everyone!  I'm growing, slowly.  I hope others find something helpful from this. 

I really needed to see something like this tonight. For the most part it has been something I have accepted and only sometimes still let it bother me especially when talking about your family. I thought me and my soon to be ex were finally getting to a good place about me, her and our kids but no that was probably like the last time I have any hope for that. It always just comes back to the same lines and feelings no matter how civil and nice I try to be. Terrible things whether it be never knowing me, just killing myself or begging me to sign my rights over just to name a few. Sorry I really didn't even mean to post something so depressing on such and uplifting post. My ex is also a whole other level of crazy then your average person. Honestly thank you so much for your inspiring words. I know that what I am doing is right no matter what and I am blessed to have plenty of amazing people in my life who truly know how and who I am. Sorry again for the rambling if that was even coherent.

You're not rambling, keep going! I'm glad you were able to take something out of this post.

If people think you're selfish, so be it.
Fighting to change peoples opinions can often be a pointless battle and transition seems hard enough without that to deal with too.

I'm slowly learning that the opinion that matters most is the one you have of yourself and that comes from within.

Hugs and best wishes, from another un-selfish girl :)

It would honestly probably take me hours of writing to really go into it all and I'm not the best at expressing myself when I'm upset even though I am feeling a ton better than last night. I just related to so much in your post having been exactly where you were almost around the same time and also feel I chose life. My marriage however was only five short years and my two boys are very young. At first I tried so hard to still make things worth with my wife and no matter what promised I would always be there for her. Things didn't work out that way for many various reason and the final choice to leave was actually my own about 2 months ago. At this point I honestly feel that it was almost convenient to blame our separation on my gender but there's really so much more to it and I realize that now more now ever. I'm still struggling to get to a good place with her now and last time was like the fourth major time that once again those hopes were just completely dashed and for the past 48 hours I have still continued to hear everything across the board from her. She's really started to contradict herself it alot of ways and is almost hard to follow but it's usually some kind of combo of what I mentioned in my first post. Generally just putting me down in every way that she could and still asking me why on so many things when we've discussed it more times then I can count. I at least got to see my kids the past few days after her keeping them from me for almost two weeks. I really just worry about them and hope that they are going to be alright whether it's with me in their lives or they choose to want nothing to do with me when they grow up. I worry mainly about her influence on them being that my oldest at four already says terrible to me sometimes when I'm with him. I do now that I will never in my life willing give up my rights to them. I just hope things just somehow turn out alright someday but until then I'll just continue to do the best I can with everything. What else can I do really.   :'(

I have found that selfishness can be a virtue in some cases, such as this one.

Our path in life does appear to those on the outside to be very selfish and self-centered, but in reality we're just finally be true to ourselves, and for many people who are so close to us, that is just too difficult a pill to swallow.

@michelle1 - I just want to say a very lovely and much needed post in daily dealings with an unsupportive, to the point of borderline abusive, spouse. I have heard and had many of those very same statement yelled at me to no end, and I've narrated many of the same or similar responses back only to fall on deaf or non-responsive ears. Thank you for sharing!

Thank You Michelle. So many of your situations resonate in my life and marriage struggle. i copied the post to a document. I don't know how I may use them but there is SO much truth in what you have said.

It is not selfish putting up with some of the abuse we've endured for years for the sake of the family, for providing the support for a roof over their heads, for food for their bellies, without so much as a thank you, but instead, "that's what you're supposed to do>" And doing it to the point where a bullet could end it all. That would be selfish.

Like you, I remind myself that I CHOOSE LIFE, because where there is life, there is hope, even for a 59 year old body ravaged by testosterone. With life the Dream remains alive. Yes, transition will be a struggle, but after what we've endured, we're ready to face almost anything.

Thank you again for your inspiring words.

Hugs! Hugs! Hugs!

It was hard to read this.   Many point some very close to home for me.  I have always said I was a caring person and I always try to give.   But I know there is a limit of how much you can give before it starts to hurt yourself.   And I have asked myself why????  why??? why is it so wrong if I want to be happy.   I think that is why as soon as i felt i was sure of this I came out and tried to be honest on how I felt.  to be honest that it was not personal and that i was not trying to attack her.   I was just doing something that i should have done long time ago.   I did try to give i gave for 39 years.  I gave a false front.  I gave the impression that everyone wanted from me.    So thank you for share this.


Vicky
MtF

Quote from: Vicky Mitchell on December 16, 2014, 03:22:09 PM
I gave a false front.  I gave the impression that everyone wanted from me.

I agree with you Vicky, this was me too, 36 years of a false front. Don't get me wrong, it was a very convincing front and there were some happy times, but in the end I knew it couldn't last forever. I think sometimes we give as much as we can for as long as we can, then it simply hits a point where we can go on no longer under this false pretence

I wish I could "like" all these posts.  The pain, the reality, the struggle...I hear it's all worth it.  In the trenches, it's hard to see the forest thru the trees, as they say. 

I'll be the best me there ever was, but it will take time to realize it. 

Conversely, I do not believe that sacrificing yourself 24/7 to uphold perceived expectations of you is necessary to be considered unselfish.

I was just called "selfish" by my spouse many multiple times tonight over a 6 minute phone call on my drive home from work. It sucked to listen too and then before I could say anything she hung up, to the tone of a dead call. I try to defend myself, but it's pointless talking to someone who will never listen or even try to understand, much less never accept even the smallest form of me being my true self.

This definitely not a path for the weak spirited person, nor is it a "choice" as is so often referred.

Six months after I came out to her, my wife told me today that I had convinced myself that I'm trans and that she doesn't believe it's true. She says I've only given her bits and pieces, not enough to convince her. Never mind the 15 weeks of estradiol and what THAT would have done to a cis man. She wants me to take testosterone. I'm very afraid of what that would do. I think we're done here, but I don't want to be.

Jenni and Dee, it really is horrible when you're spouse doesn't support or understand you, I know because I'm in the same situation.
It's especially hard when you read stories of girls transitioning with the full support of their partners. 
I'd hoped for that myself, it was a small hope, but it was there.  Unfortunately no, I'll be moving out after Christmas.  Maybe it's my trans viewpoint or just my natural naiveté, but I thought love was unconditional, that you loved the person, not the body, oh well, nice to see life still has hard lessons for me to learn, lol

Quote from: ChrissyChips on December 19, 2014, 03:58:24 AM
Jenni and Dee, it really is horrible when you're spouse doesn't support or understand you, I know because I'm in the same situation.
It's especially hard when you read stories of girls transitioning with the full support of their partners. 
I'd hoped for that myself, it was a small hope, but it was there.  Unfortunately no, I'll be moving out after Christmas.  Maybe it's my trans viewpoint or just my natural naiveté, but I thought love was unconditional, that you loved the person, not the body, oh well, nice to see life still has hard lessons for me to learn, lol

ChrissyChips - I am in a very similar situation myself .... probably will be moving out sometime shortly into the new year. I just can't stay and continue to be verbally berated and abused all the time. Plus with my daughters basically disowning me because of her influences, it's so hard to just be around the home we share. I was kinda hoping she'd initiate the divorce and file first, but it's appearing I'm going to have to do it to get it over with. She's beat me down so much through threats to out me in our community of friends and to my boss at my main job, that I just need to create space & distance myself from it. It hurts, but it needs to be done.

Preach it!!

I have a "thrive or die" philosophy. Not live, thrive. What's life if you're dead inside?

I'll share a personal moment with you all... I was really at the end of my rope this week, with a plan and a letter in my head and all. I'm still kind of numb, but better. I didn't do it because my man voice in my head was screaming at me, "Don't you kill me! I want to live! If it's between death or me, then choose me!" So I did. I'm trying to. It's a daily choice until I stop feeling like I need permission to be me.

Luca, just KEEP listening to that voice! You will thrive in the end, I know you will...I'm one of those irritating positive thinkers, most of the time, lol.
I've been in that place a few times myself and I learned to DO NOTHING and just wait it out.

Sending you the biggest virtual hug I can, too hard and probably inappropriately long, bordering on creepy, but I mean well :D