Susan's Place Transgender Resources

 If any body has read my burning bridges topic, or any thing else I put on here, you all know how much of
bad situation I was in, small southern town, extremely Christian families on both sides of my family, wife who
was devastated who for the last two + years pushed me not to transition or not to talk about "it" at all.. Well
I stayed patient for the most part and didn't give up on her until recently, I was ready to leave because as a lot of
us know there is a point that comes that is all or nothing. Cant help it just the way GID and being trans is. I had planned
after the first to "bug out", and I was a prick every day for the last year, tried my best to smile through it, but I was
miserable and everyone knew it... She pushed hard for the truth and I told her, I was going to be leaving her and it was for
both of us, I wanted her to find happiness becase it would not be with me because I had to transition and she wasn't having
nothng to do with it. Well the last two week we been talking she knows I been seeing a therapist, I told her completely about
my child hood not just being trans, and we cried togeather and she still wasn't ready for it, but wanted me to keep seeing the therapist.
So a few days ago she calls me and tells me she has been thinking about it the last two years, that it just took her that long to process
it, and that she told her parents that I was trans, and she was staying with me because we are doing it togeather, told them how
I was treated growing up all of it. Well herand her parents are behind me now.. I am so happy I wanted to share this with all of you who have
been honest with me and gave words of encouragement. And maybe my story will help others like me in a relationship or marriage.
All I can say is be honest, don't push it and only talk about it when she wants to. If your meant to be togeather she will stay and I for one feel
like the luckiest person on the planet.. Thanks all and I will be posting progress pics on hrt.. Thanks

I am happy things are looking brighter. Especially for this time of year when so many of us do go dark.

I firmly believe that beyond the deep love my wife and I have for each other, the ONLY thing that kept us together since I dropped the T-Bomb were having those very difficult open and honest discussions. Something that was akin to speaking Klingon to me. I avoided both like the plague. It was tough for us both to balance open and honest against TMI and both against raw emotion. Practice helps

I am so happy for you.

With my wife and I things have been at times emotional, frustrating and hurtful. We have also had sharing, love and compromise. The one thing I would offer is this is a process that takes time and in that time there has been constant change, not all at once. If I would go too fast I think it would be detrimental to my marriage. However, I want to change my name and get FFS. This may cause a tipping point because at that point I will be FT. I enjoy every good moment because at some point I will bring my transition to another level and she may not be able to handle it. 

I am so sorry to hear that, me and my wife had honest discussions the last two weeks although she has know fully for two years she just wasn't ready to talk about it yet so she shut the conversation down and there was no talk until I had a breakdown of sorts and not in front of her, but she knew the weeks leading up to it I was deeply troubled, and she also had a conversation with my mother and read old journal I had forgotten about from 1999 -2002 when I was a teen, and she didn't tell me she read it, and had read it last year, but I brike down and she knew I was in trouble by how flat I was over the phone, it just was an alarm for her, she then told me she knows I was this way from early age bc she talked to my mom, and read the journal, and she asked what I wanted, I said I am going to transition full time and I am leaving in march maybe a little earlier, she knew at that point that I was serious, and I don't do things unless I have to do them if there serious in nature like this,we talked all night over the phone, and the last two weeks she talked and researched and she said she is ready for me to be happy and it didn't matter if I was a woman or what ever she was gonna stay and  she was fine about it, how she came to her descision I'll never know 100% she said I been the most wonderful person she could have hoped to be married to and she even bought me gift cards to use to buy clothes when the time is right. Her mom and dad are also behind me, her mom and her are already to teach me things and I couldn't be happier... I'll say that if you can let your spouse know that your the same person, and you love the person and spirit first, if she can see past the physical she will stay. That's the way mine explained it, and she is not even lesbian, it might not work for everyone, but if you love them don't give up on them, I almost threw away my whole
Life, I'm glad she wouldn't let me and that she understood why I was going to leave... Always have hope!

Thank you for sharing this! I've been struggling to find hope that my relationship would survive this. Who knows what the future will hold, but this gives me hope that there's a chance!

That is so great to hear Cristy!

I told my wife about a week ago, and she has been amazingly supportive so far. I'm still worried that at some point the reality of it all will come crashing down and upset her, but we'll wait and see. I'm still in the very early stages, and I don't know where this will lead. Being open and honest about my feelings can be incredibly difficult, but I know it's the best/only way forward.

That is awesome news and just helps reaffirm what we're all saying.  You have to communicate and give your spouse time to catch up if you want to stay together.

I love to hear when the journies of my sisters show hope and promise.  I pray things work out for you and her.  She sounds like she has a good heart all in all!

 Thanks all, her brothers and their wives found out tongt all sai they loved me and its cool, so seeing her family accept it has helped her out a lot. I never thought just a month ago any of this would work out, but I was wrong, and happy that I was. Just be honest with your partner that they love the real you and that the real you was the one doing all the talking, that is who they love... Also it would help to take it real slow with wardrobe changes and try and intergrate a piece at a time, and slowly change as your body does.. I hope this gives hope for others. I am talking to her about doing a youtube video with me to help others, also I know I am going to do a transition video. I am pretty beefy guy, I am muscular, and if I have really good results it may encourage people like me to transition and be happy.... Thanks all

Happy to hear your wife is being so supportive.

I went through about 6 months of acting out and being nasty due to the stress of telling (or not telling)my wife. After all the huff and puff on my end, I finally broke down and told her. To my surprise she was accepting, a lil concerned, but totally in my corner.

After reading so many horror stories it's nice to find stories like yours.

Rachel iv

Quote from: Racheliv on December 22, 2014, 06:56:52 AM
Happy to hear your wife is being so supportive.

I went through about 6 months of acting out and being nasty due to the stress of telling (or not telling)my wife. After all the huff and puff on my end, I finally broke down and told her. To my surprise she was accepting, a lil concerned, but totally in my corner.

After reading so many horror stories it's nice to find stories like yours.

Rachel iv

Thanks, I have read several horror stories myself including one wife who acted supportive and even bought clothes for her spouse, then when her spouse got dressed up she took pictures and emailed them to all his family and friends. So it can be a dangerous thing for a lot of us, especially when were not ready for others to know our status. I didn't follow this myself, but I got lucky with my wife, but I would suggest that you not tell the spouse until your ready for everyone to know about it... I got to the point before we had the breakthrough that I didn't care if I was hated, if people mad fun of me, or if a hoard of pitch fork yielding rednecks tried to chase me out of town.... I know that she felt lied to at first, and betrayed. But luckily she is very smart and her common sense side took over. She realized that telling someone when your a male, especially one like me(her words) that telling someone that your really a woman is the last thing you would want to do. I tried to understand the facts, medical evidence up to current time, and as much of the why as I could before I told her. And I know why but its kinda of insulting,, her first question was"are you gay?" Same with my mother, do yo like men?" Why is that the first thing people assume??? Like we are all gay men that just want to feel better about being attracted to men by changing into women... I don't even think that's the case for those of us mtf that identify hetero, into men. I myself have never been attracted to men at all, but lately I have started to like the idea of being in a straight relationship after I transition.. I would only pursue other relationships if my marriage broke down, but I almost, to be honest have started feeling like I want to experience things that I missed, dating, dancing, going out. I don't know how to explain it, but I had a lot of new feelings come up that weren't there before, I don't know if I was represing them before because I subconsciously thought I wouldn't transition or what, but when I decided or realized it was happening feelings I have never had have started coming up... Any body else experience this???

Quote from: Cristyjade30 on December 23, 2014, 04:08:49 AM
I don't know how to explain it, but I had a lot of new feelings come up that weren't there before, I don't know if I was represing them before because I subconsciously thought I wouldn't transition or what, but when I decided or realized it was happening feelings I have never had have started coming up... Any body else experience this???

Yes. I finally learned how to be comfortable with being male when I reached college. Before then, life was very awkward when trying to be male. In trying to convince others I was male, I would engage in "manly" activities (many of which I enjoy to this day), but this forced me to repress my true identity. Similar to your experience, I had to bring up repressed feelings to address a bad case of dysphoria that had come on last year.

Congrats on coming out to your wife and family. My wife has known even before we had married, but I thought I could control my feelings which I did for many years. We talked after my dysphoria melt down last year, and we both knew that some level of transitioning was needed  to keep me functioning.  It is not easy for either of us, and we are slowly dissolving barriers especially on the intimacy side of things. I see improvements in our relationship every week, but she is not ready at this time to have a wife. It has been a slow and sometimes painful process for me, but it is of my choosing.  I have a lot of hope in our future.

It is interesting when you talk about expressing feelings that were not there before. The combination these new feelings along with mental/physical HRT changes  and my wife's new perception of me has permanently changed our relationship. It is still a strong relationship and changes are not for the better or worse. It is just different and difficult to explain.

I am so happy your wife and family are supporting, hugs.

Crityjade, Thank you so much for this post. I am at the tipping point of my dysphoria. I'm 52, married with three daughters. I have known I was different since I was 3 or 4 years old. I held things in for such a long time. I told my wife I was transgender about 23 years ago but at that time I thought it was cross dressing. She has been supportive over the years but I still held things in, been through therapy, stopped therapy, back in therapy on anti depressants and now at the point I feel I'm going to lose it one of these days. As I know everyone faces it does not get better, just worse as time goes on.

My therapist tired different things approaches which are not working with me. My last appointment with her and the Nurse Practitioner, they both told me I need to come out because they are both worried about my depression and me. This is the scariest thing I will ever have to do.

I spent I whole life hiding things, doing things to show I was a male, doing things to keep my mind of the dysphoria and nothing is working anymore. I have to do this but I am so scared. I know my wife knows something is going on with me, a few years ago during a documentary about transgender couples she told me that that will be me in 15 years. I didn't say anything because I always got so panicked during those shows. Half of me says she'll be supportive but things will not be the same and the other half says things will go bad. I know I have to do this.

I am sorry for the rambling, I needed to get this off my chest and seek other recommendations and wisdom from those who have been through this. Thank you to everyone who posted. Each post helped me.
Regards
Melanie

Quote from: Melanie CT on December 27, 2014, 11:34:26 AM
Crityjade, Thank you so much for this post. I am at the tipping point of my dysphoria. I'm 52, married with three daughters. I have known I was different since I was 3 or 4 years old. I held things in for such a long time. I told my wife I was transgender about 23 years ago but at that time I thought it was cross dressing. She has been supportive over the years but I still held things in, been through therapy, stopped therapy, back in therapy on anti depressants and now at the point I feel I'm going to lose it one of these days. As I know everyone faces it does not get better, just worse as time goes on.

My therapist tired different things approaches which are not working with me. My last appointment with her and the Nurse Practitioner, they both told me I need to come out because they are both worried about my depression and me. This is the scariest thing I will ever have to do.

I spent I whole life hiding things, doing things to show I was a male, doing things to keep my mind of the dysphoria and nothing is working anymore. I have to do this but I am so scared. I know my wife knows something is going on with me, a few years ago during a documentary about transgender couples she told me that that will be me in 15 years. I didn't say anything because I always got so panicked during those shows. Half of me says she'll be supportive but things will not be the same and the other half says things will go bad. I know I have to do this.

I am sorry for the rambling, I needed to get this off my chest and seek other recommendations and wisdom from those who have been through this. Thank you to everyone who posted. Each post helped me.
Regards
Melanie

Like you I was 52 when once again the excrement hit the air handler in my life. After a lot of introspection I came to the undeniable conclusion that every disaster in my life was due to how I was not handling being trans.

My wife knew from day 1 about me having gender "issues". Before we met I had twice experimented with transitioning. Twice opting for being "Normal". OK A CD++. It sort of worked for 30+ years.

By my third TG support group meeting was behind me, which after the second I pretty much knew I needed to be there, the time was long past due to drop the T-Bomb on my wife. I didn't want to open up the whole Can-O-Gender Worms. I had no choice. I had to let her know what was happening. Not being a CD anymore was very hard for her to take. Being open and honest about these feelings was a foreign concept to me. Dropping a problem into someone's lap and not being able to say "And the solution I came up is..." even more foreign. I get paid well to be a problem solver, not a creator.

The hardest part of this whole Open and Honest discussion thing is avoid TMI and keeping in mind raw emotions are evoked so don't take everything said at first too hard. Both sides need time to absorb what is being said. To observe what the current reality is.

Six years later our relationship is stronger then ever. However we both have no clear idea how long, if at all, we can stay together if I decide I need to be full-time. But that is a problem for another day

.

I hit rock bottom in December 2012 and I came out to my wife February 15, 2013, I was 50. I started therapy January 23, 2013 and I started HRT May 28, 2013. It has been a very long road these last two years. I suffer from long term depression and had had past suicidal thoughts, plans and actions. Now I am making plans for the future. The past two years I have grown so much and I am finding myself.

My wife and daughter (17) are still with me. My wife does not want me to fully transition and I do. We will face that in the future.

I recommend planning the outing with your therapist and rehearse. Go slow and give information a little at a time. Keep in mind what people say when they are angry or hurt may not be as they feel later after they will process the information.

Keep open lines of commination, good luck and

hugs,

Cynthia

Quote from: Cristyjade30 on December 23, 2014, 04:08:49 AM
And I know why but its kinda of insulting,, her first question was"are you gay?" Same with my mother, do yo like men?" Why is that the first thing people assume??? Like we are all gay men that just want to feel better about being attracted to men by changing into women... I don't even think that's the case for those of us mtf that identify hetero, into men. I myself have never been attracted to men at all, but lately I have started to like the idea of being in a straight relationship after I transition.. I would only pursue other relationships if my marriage broke down, but I almost, to be honest have started feeling like I want to experience things that I missed, dating, dancing, going out. I don't know how to explain it, but I had a lot of new feelings come up that weren't there before, I don't know if I was represing them before because I subconsciously thought I wouldn't transition or what, but when I decided or realized it was happening feelings I have never had have started coming up... Any body else experience this???

Last week after coming home from the therapist, I told my wife that I had decided I wanted to start HRT. She was so serious and started to act sarcastically. She said she was going to help pay down the debt and leave because she could not live with another woman. A few days later she wanted to talk. She asked me if I liked men. I told her I was a lesbian which I've told my therapist several times during our sessions. She kept reiterating that women liked men and if I was going to be a woman I'd be with a man. She refuses to get the part where I state that I'm a gay female. I guess it's a common question since some have a hard time grasping the whole T thing but at the same time it shows where they are coming from.

Now, even though I currently feel I'm a gay female, I do fantasize about being treated like a woman by a man. Perhaps it's some sort of validation that I seek. It however would be the ultimate validation of being female.


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I can't count how many times I heard "I did not marry a woman".

Well she did. I am. She is getting over it. I haven't heard it in a long time

Quote from: JoanneB on December 27, 2014, 12:34:34 PM
Like you I was 52 when once again the excrement hit the air handler in my life. After a lot of introspection I came to the undeniable conclusion that every disaster in my life was due to how I was not handling being trans.

My wife knew from day 1 about me having gender "issues". Before we met I had twice experimented with transitioning. Twice opting for being "Normal". OK A CD++. It sort of worked for 30+ years.

By my third TG support group meeting was behind me, which after the second I pretty much knew I needed to be there, the time was long past due to drop the T-Bomb on my wife. I didn't want to open up the whole Can-O-Gender Worms. I had no choice. I had to let her know what was happening. Not being a CD anymore was very hard for her to take. Being open and honest about these feelings was a foreign concept to me. Dropping a problem into someone's lap and not being able to say "And the solution I came up is..." even more foreign. I get paid well to be a problem solver, not a creator.

The hardest part of this whole Open and Honest discussion thing is avoid TMI and keeping in mind raw emotions are evoked so don't take everything said at first too hard. Both sides need time to absorb what is being said. To observe what the current reality is.

Six years later our relationship is stronger then ever. However we both have no clear idea how long, if at all, we can stay together if I decide I need to be full-time. But that is a problem for another day

I can relate. Before We got married I told her I was a CD. Over the course of 15 years, I tried to toe the line and tolerate her comments about how I was obsessed with all of this and that is why I was so confused. She told me that I needed to get offline because all that material was changing my thoughts. Eventually, I found out that I was XXY and it all made sense. I sought therapy and quickly realized i was more than just a CD and that I was actually Trans.

I don't know where my marriage is headed. We talked a few days after my coming clean last Thursday and she again wants me to get offline and just dress at home. Though HRT is most likely a year or more away, j don't know that just being a CD is fulfilling anymore. My goal remains the same but somehow she thinks that if I crossdress frequently, all this will go away.


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Thank you for sharing a wonderful and positive story, Cristy. I'm very happy that everything has worked out so well. My wife was shocked  :o when I told her that I wear women's clothing. It took her time to process all this. I was patient and never forced it on her. If she had questions I answered them. We had been married twenty five years when all this happened.

I always felt different all my life but never knew why. I had never put on any feminine article in my life. In 2005, I got this crazy urge to try on my wife's skirt. I tried to dismiss it but eventfully gave in. Needless to say, that this act set the wheel in motion that would forever change my life. Now over nine years later, my spouse is accepting. So is my son and his GF. My granddaughter loves me just the same. It was given some nightgowns and a sweater for Christmas from them. I was so happy. My spouse and I have be married for 34 years now and are happy as ever.

:)

Yeah I undersand all of you, my wife said all those things to, I didn't marry a woman, and asked if i liked men, she still has a little trouble but she has been asking about clothes and stuff for me, what I like and stuff, I never really cross dressed a lot, so is a little learning curve. Being 30 there all of things I like, so we're doing it together and she seems happy be of it.. I've always been reclusive about emotions and things I like so she is starting to like things about Christine... My music, my style, and how much more amiable and easy I am. I know that the truth is hard, but they have I hear it... Hey I'm a chick.... So simple but unless your well studied in transgender medical research, it's like trying to explain quantum physics to a 3 year old... It takes time, in my case 2 years before she learned enough to be okay with transition... So just take the time your wife or husband needs to digest it...