Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi Everyone,

I have read and seen this topic everywhere. I just want to get some general feedback from our TG community on how to go about or handle people staring at you.
I think I'm just going paranoid just because in reality I dont know why they are staring...I wear make up and dress a bit feminine ( top and skinny jeans) with a pixie cut.

It affects me a lot and sometimes I get grumpier just because I feel like am I freak show.

Any feedback would be appreciated :)

Cross your eyes very slowly and morph into a goofy face.

I wouldn't worry to much about what they are thinking. Who knows they could be starring at something next to or behind you. They could even be just staring of into space with their mind off somewhere else. However if they are staring out you, you could try Jill's idea or even just stare back at them for a moment. More likely than not either will get them to stop.
Mariah

Make a serious face and stare back into their eyes until they look away.

Staring is one thing though....

I once had a guy on the train try and block himself from looking at me with his newspaper and scream stuff about me in Chinese... In that situation I kept moving uncomfortably close to him due to the crowded train, while trying to get eye contact, and he ended up leaving (I hope due to intimidation). I laughed and a few people who saw smiled at me when they saw me laughing. I live in the SF bay area though and people are generally very tolerant of trans people. So basically that guy looked like an idiot.

I usually smile back at them with a warm smile. Sometimes that humanizes me and they realize they're staring and look away. Some even smile back.

I've divided stares into three types:
Puzzlement - They can tell something is Different, but are not sure what it is. Or they're reading all the signs, trying to figure out if I'm one of them.
Glares - They know exactly what I am and they don't approve.
Smirks - Still haven't figured this one out, but think it's probably self-satisfaction at having "solved the puzzle".

I just ignore them. But today someone stared at me because my voice did not match my look, I suppose. I really threw her for a loop I swore she was going to have a heart attack. I need to work on that. And I wasn't particularly dressed up, just Amanda jeans and a (women's) long sleeve tee. But it does accentuate the little bit of curves I have to the point where I reliably get gendered F when someone looks at me from behind me.

Oh it was just wonderful today. "Taxi, miss?" First thing I heard when I stepped into the street off the train. Made my day.

I make eye contact, give a Mona Lisa smile, and say "hello." Often men are embarrassed because they were staring at my chest...;)

I used to obsess a lot over that when I had zero self confidence. These days I try to keep in mind that I DO stand out. I am tall, relatively thin, and dress smartly in a world filled with short fat frumpy given up on being women women. DUH. So yeah, I ocassionally get stares

So I smile and just maybe nod or say hi.  Unless they are teens or  early 20 somethings. Nevertheless, I still hold my head high and smile. Don't ever allow that group so sense fear  :o

Thanks so much ladies :D

I have to come to terms that I am different and people can and will notice.
As long as I am sure of who I am then it doesn't really matter.

Happy Holidays ladies - thanks for the wonderful feedback. It really helps!

Sometimes I smile. Most of the time they smile back. If I feel particularly pissy I stare back which usually makes them uncomfortable. I'm told I have quite the intense stare.

ImagineKate isnt that amazing to be gendered correctly :) Love it gurl

Quote from: ImagineKate on December 23, 2014, 02:06:35 PM
I just ignore them. But today someone stared at me because my voice did not match my look, I suppose. I really threw her for a loop I swore she was going to have a heart attack. I need to work on that. And I wasn't particularly dressed up, just Amanda jeans and a (women's) long sleeve tee. But it does accentuate the little bit of curves I have to the point where I reliably get gendered F when someone looks at me from behind me.

Oh it was just wonderful today. "Taxi, miss?" First thing I heard when I stepped into the street off the train. Made my day.

If they're too obvious, I just smile back.  It catches them off guard, usually, then THEY smile.  To be truthful, I've been very fortunate, haven't EVER had one of those "haters" to stare at me.  If they have, I haven't caught them.  Good thing, I'd probably frown back.

Fortunately doesn't happen often, but I usually just look back or look at their ear (which is usually more disconcerting for them I've realised). That usually does the trick.

I had a glare incident yesterday...was sitting in my car with the wife having lunch, and a beat up minivan drove slowly in front of me.

(My car is heavily decorated with flowers, vines, butterflies etc)

The guy at first was looking at the car, then our eyes met and he GLARED like he was some kind of badass...I kept eye contact, smiled BIG, and girlie-waved at him. He drove away with a look of disgust on his face...although I'm not sure if that was at me for being who I am, or at himself for not having the balls to stop.

Also, about two weeks ago  I was in the drugstore getting some pictures printed when in walk two members of the local "bad biker" group. For a moment I was very on alert, but these two were the best behaved men, they gave me no problems, wished me a merry Cmas even

Thanks Ms Grace and Andrea :) cool tips!

Wine?  Wine helps.

Had a tourist (male, about 19 whoda guessed...) stand right in front of me (well, a metre and a half - or 4ft away) at a bus stop in Paddington, Sydney. He was with a bunch of his friends/relatives who were speaking a guttural Austrian accented German with a few Italian words chucked in- so probably from South Tirol.

I spent a few moments working out where he came from......and then just stared right through him. He gave me the eyes up and down. I didn't hear anything obviously offensive being said, but then the accent was so, er, provincial it was hard to know.

I did sort of wonder why he felt the need to stand right in front of me. However, I noticed that the poor dear was looking the wrong way down the street for the bus to turn up. I hope he rectified that problem before crossing any busy roads!

So, just returning the stare really - depending on time, nature of person, place etc.

Tonight I was out at a restaurant with a couple of girlfriends. Something must have been off about my appearance because people kept staring at me. The most egregious staring was from a couple sitting at a table behind one of my friends. I noticed them both looking at me, then turning toward each other to compare notes, then turning back to stare at me again. This sequence went on for several iterations.

Yep, clocked.

I ignored them and they eventually found something else interesting to occupy themselves with. Their stares didn't bother me one iota. At least I think I brightened up their evening  :laugh:

I saw others staring tonight and I ignored them too, and they eventually faded away into the woodwork.

You gotta have thick skin if you are transgender.

Amen Eva Marie. I think it really comes with the territory. I am passing quite well lately. However, I still get the occasional stares just because I still have a short hair and as we all know people are conditioned visually. I also agree with you that being trans should come confidence, thick skin and grace.

Anyways, thanks for the great share Eva :)

Quote from: Eva Marie on December 31, 2014, 01:39:33 AM
Tonight I was out at a restaurant with a couple of girlfriends. Something must have been off about my appearance because people kept staring at me. The most egregious staring was from a couple sitting at a table behind one of my friends. I noticed them both looking at me, then turning toward each other to compare notes, then turning back to stare at me again. This sequence went on for several iterations.

Yep, clocked.

I ignored them and they eventually found something else interesting to occupy themselves with. Their stares didn't bother me one iota. At least I think I brightened up their evening  :laugh:

I saw others staring tonight and I ignored them too, and they eventually faded away into the woodwork.

You gotta have thick skin if you are transgender.

The way I see it,
People stare at you.
People stare at you because you are not seen as "normal"
You are not seen as "normal" because you are different from the people staring
You are different because you are brave
You are brave because you can be yourself
You can be yourself because you are special
You are special because you are unique

So in all, people staring is something people may just do and it can't be changed. What can be changed is how you handle the situation. But in all, you will always be unique.

Hi Carmen;
I think I commented about this before. About 2 years ago, just as I was restarting my transition again, I was in London in Oxford Street coming out of Selfridges and waiting for a bus, when this boy (I would say about 12) started shouting its a man and pointing at me. I have no idea what gave me away, but I was truly horrified, so what I did was turn on my heels and ran for a bus, but at the last minute changed direction and headed for the tube. Luckily I was lost in the crowds.
The next time it happened to me was last year when I was in Bournemouth in Marks & Spencer in the centre of town and a mother with two young girls passed me. I was looking for a size 44B cotton bra in Black. I think its the way I bent down or something, because both girls (about 10 I think) starting looking at me and giggling and one pointing at me. I just smiled back at them and called my girlfriend over and looked away. Smiling back is I think the best antidote.
Judith

Hi Judith,

Thanks for your input. Definitely helps to know someone is also going through my struggles.

April

Quote from: judithlynn on January 01, 2015, 11:44:14 PM
Hi Carmen;
I think I commented about this before. About 2 years ago, just as I was restarting my transition again, I was in London in Oxford Street coming out of Selfridges and waiting for a bus, when this boy (I would say about 12) started shouting its a man and pointing at me. I have no idea what gave me away, but I was truly horrified, so what I did was turn on my heels and ran for a bus, but at the last minute changed direction and headed for the tube. Luckily I was lost in the crowds.
The next time it happened to me was last year when I was in Bournemouth in Marks & Spencer in the centre of town and a mother with two young girls passed me. I was looking for a size 44B cotton bra in Black. I think its the way I bent down or something, because both girls (about 10 I think) starting looking at me and giggling and one pointing at me. I just smiled back at them and called my girlfriend over and looked away. Smiling back is I think the best antidote.
Judith

Judith- thanks for sharing. Your stories remind me of a couple weeks back when I took my kids to gymnastics. Outside the house I'm not out at all really, though I have a women's fleece jacket that I wear when it's warm enough, but that day I had my fingernails painted purple. Nobody said anything except that a few separate incidents of kids noticing and getting confused while I was sitting in the stands. They had various reactions, some stared, some giggled, etc. It was a little awkward at first, but then I realized I didn't really care and just smiled back. Nobody said anything, and none of the adults said anything if they even noticed.

When I first started transitioning, like most of us, I was really self-conscious about people staring at me.  I remember walking out of my apartment building and noticed 2 guys across the street immediately stop talking mid-sentence and start staring at me.  I was freaked out for a second, then one of them said "Daaayyymmm girl" with the associated look, and I was creeped out instead, but at least he saw me as a girl.  The next time I caught someone staring was a woman at Whole Foods.  When I walked closer to her, I noticed she wasn't staring at me as a person, but at my boots.  She apologized for staring, and asked me where I bought them.  Then there was the time I was out in full makeup and I hear "what do you think this is, Halloween?" and the first thing that goes through my mind is that he's making fun of me.  So I turn to look at him, and it turns out that was directed at a little kid wearing a towel as a superhero cape.  It was at that point I stopped worrying about being stared at, and just started living my life.  People are going to think what they are going to think, and most of the time they are staring at something other than me being transgender. 

Staring does not necessarily have to mean anything. I stare a lot, but that is just because I am dreamy and not always paying attention to my surroundings (which leads to friends waving their arms in front of me to wake me up out of my trance state haha). People also tend to check out other people when they walk by or sit somewhere; that is natural behaviour.

Just stare back or give them a creepy look ::).

EDIT: I used to think that everyone was looking at me when I would walk through a busy street (just an example), but in reality nobody actually pays attention to me. People usually mind their own business and if they look at you they usually do not even think about you.

Men tend to watch women more than women do.

Yes. One of the first things I noticed after starting my gender expression was stares from both men and women. Men tend to watch in the behind while women start at my front. I do not like stares from men at their 50s. Occasionally some men and women even try to speak to me, especially when I run outdoors for exercise. And, drunken men are a headache, and I just try to avoid them.

I am not quite sure how many people are watching me, but my friend who took this photo for me said that he did not realize that so many people in the street watch me in the behind. This is the same when I travel in foreign countries. Because of this, my priority is the security during any trip abroad. For the first and second day, I usually scrutinize the security status of the city, and usually avoid high heels, except when I am with my friends and colleagues.

(https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7463/15628181654_05448911ae_b.jpg)

(https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7390/12428304465_9f2705fa2d_o.jpg)

If you can not avoid it, just enjoy it.

barbie~~

Quote from: Sam314 on January 01, 2015, 11:21:57 PM
The way I see it,
People stare at you.
People stare at you because you are not seen as "normal"
You are not seen as "normal" because you are different from the people staring
You are different because you are brave
You are brave because you can be yourself
You can be yourself because you are special
You are special because you are unique

That was so perfectly wonderful that I may have to steal it.

Yelling at them in German usually works for me. But I'm also 6'1 so that might have to do something with it.