Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I for one have never been a selfish person but through all my relationships I have been in, there have been varying degrees of selfishness. 
I wish I knew why my luck was/is this bad . All I can say is I have always been unselfish. To my children, my family, spouses even strangers!

Right now, my husband is in the beginning of HRT.  His attitude was sour enough before all of this was unloaded on me. Now, it seems like he has moved from sour to plain old spoiled.  I try not to say much but this can really be tough at times especially with little kids running around.  I was kind of getting used to him disappearing before to "check stuff" but this is really getting to be unbearable. Sometimes he's locked up in the room for over an hour. C'mon. Really? The only time I get for myself is when I take a shower and most days that's less than five minutes with one of the little ones checking on me.

Maybe I'm feeing sorry for myself or making an observation.  Is this common? Will it end?

Somehow I always end up with the short end of the stick.

 

Quote from: Broken-hearted on December 29, 2014, 07:09:20 AM
Right now, my husband is in the beginning of HRT.  His attitude was sour enough before all of this was unloaded on me. Now, it seems like he has moved from sour to plain old spoiled...

Maybe I'm feeing sorry for myself or making an observation.  Is this common? Will it end?

Short Answer - I don't you as the one being selfish

I've often read from both sides of this "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" phenomenon. The world did not end after dropping the T-Bomb. Step 1 - Done. Now back to me and my needs, wants, dreams, me me me. Sort of forgetting that they aren't the only part of this ride and just because the world did not choose to swallow you up, it just may chew you up and spite you out in due time.

The first year or so after I dropped the T-Bomb were difficult for both my wife and I. She knew of my gender issues from our first date over 30 years ago. I worked really hard to be normal-ish. Just a CD we both wanted to believe. Plenty of tears shed. Plenty of somewhat well deserved anger towards me with her feelings of betrayal, being lied to, the end of our shared vision of a future life together, perhaps even me wanting to dump her.

Besides the foundation of love we have for each other, the most important factor that is keeping us together are the painful, difficult, open and honest discussions made all the more difficult between TMI and plenty of raw emotions expressed. After which only time and more talking can resolve any hurts either real, unintended or perceived. My wife is a world class talker and self describes as pathologically honest. In this trait opposites did attract. Between childhood and being trans, I grew up being an introvert and never talked about my real feelings. I suspect because I never allowed myself to HAVE feelings till now.

Thanks for being so understanding, JoanneB!

Somedays are more difficult than others.  Every. Single. Thing. Is about him. I'm beginning to see that clearly as each day goes by. 

Did your wife say anything to you about her needs?  Did it confuse things if she talked about her needs and wants?  For us, he has always done most of the talking however little that was. It's weird but it worked up to now because I gave him "space" he claimed he needed. I didn't like it because I want attention too but there was never any time for me.

Now, it seems that the attention that I get has fallen from little to zero.  He's forgetful about things that doesn't have to do with his gender issues so the "small talk" (which I appreciate) has to get repeated (wait, what did you say?).  The kids too are affected because it seems like they are a nuisance to him. :/

I guess my wife and I always had some innate sense of each others needs are and filling them. Which I guess is how such often times opposites work so well together for as long as we have. Her BIG hot-button issue is betrayal. Pretty much her entire life story starting with her parents as a child. It took years for her to begin to actually trust me, eventually she did, then 20 years later I dropped the bomb. It has taken a good 2 years for her to begin to trust me again.

A Marriage License is just a piece of paper to get a bigger tax deduction and in our case a permission slip for me to add her to my health insurance. It took almost 20 years for her to say yes. During the preceding 20 years we had a partnership, and still do. Sometimes equal. Sometimes not. We aren't clones. She has strengths and skills far better than mine in some areas, just as I excel her in others. We rely on each other and work together.

Marriages take work, working together and not against each other, to keep together. What is it these days... 50% or more of all first marriages end in divorce. When I see a trans person posting about an upcoming separation or divorce, often you will also see the gender stuff was just the icing on the cake. They were headed to Divorce Court already. Only the timing changed. Something I am all too aware of since I now hear what a miserable person I WAS to live with. I can see that now that I am so much emotionally healthier today.

Her biggest need is for me to be her husband. Not a man, but someone to husband her. Take care of her. Giver her the support, both physically and emotional that she requires. Something I grew to become absolutely horrible with over the years of NOT dealing with my gender issue. Dealing with it has not just returned me to who I was many years ago but grew greatly in a positive direction. All wonderful developments in her eyes. I am growing as a person and towards the person she sensed that was always inside of me.

She sure isn't thrilled grabbing a handful of boob when we cuddle. I still ocassionally hear "I did not marry a woman" etc. I know she enjoys the pleasure a man gives. Silicon rubber just isn't the same. She made some pretty big and scary decisions based on the pleasure a man gives her. I do feel guilt, rightfully so, over a a likely future of not being able to provide that for her. I no longer feel shame over it either. I have no doubt she feels pangs of guilt when she says I did not marry a woman. Yet I cannot expect us to remain married, at least, not in the same sense we now are. It is unfair as well as selfish for me to ask.

We've had that painful difficult conversation several times. We are each others best friends and cannot spend enough time together. She freely admits there is next to zero odds of her finding someone who can understand her as much as I do. I feel the same about her. Yet she is sure that as time and new hormones march forward my desires may also shift. Six years ago I said No Way. These days I am both shocked and scared how I find myself looking at and thinking about guys. And dreams! Maybe a side effect of finally feeling comfortable about being in my own skin.

I still almost exclusively present as a male. For now the top priorities in my life are her health, our finances, our dreams for the future. I am blessed by having more then two choices available for me today to handle my gender dysphoria. For too many they only see transition or die. The gray zone is working today... mostly. I keep on working on my personal growth. Read self-help type of books. See a for real gender therapist (yes, there is such a thing and it makes a BIG difference compared to a trans friendly generalist). I've only missed 2 of my TG support group meetings in about 6 years. Once due to a major snow storm, the other due to a major sh!# storm (non-trans related). My support group and a couple of special angels there when I most needed them have been instrumental in turning my life around for the better.  The need for seeing the therapist is more of one of my wife's needs than my own. We both share the deep need for me to see my group. She needs for me to keep on growing into one whole healthy and happy person. Hopefully with her but still OK if it cannot be, as long as neither of us are hurt or the others happiness denied along the way.

I understand far better who I am and why I feel or react to things the way I do. I readily recognize now the ones I don't like, the ones that lead down the path back towards that lifeless soulless thing I used to be. I know if the time comes I reach the fork in the road, I will be strong enough and healthy enough to take it. Not run back scared as I did twice before.