Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Greetings from NYC and a Happy New Year to all of you!

New Year = New Me! hahaha

I've actually been a long time lurker reading as much as I can on here to get more understanding of everything from others who are in the same situation as me.
I want to thank every one of you as well for allowing me to pursue who I truly am. Without coming onto these boards every night in the middle of the night, I would not have an outlet considering my life situation.

Anyways, here's something about me.

Born and raised in NYC, went to a University as a full time student during the day and then working as a full time Supervisor in a division of the University's Department of Public Safety. It was fun and gruesome on my body. Throughout my several years there, I only slept on my bed under 20 times, the rest were on a chair here and there.

Realized who I truly am when I was only a few years old. I remember seeing girls/women who were in tight clothes and they did not have any "bulge" down there and I would constantly try to hide it and make myself smooth like those I idolized. I was so passionate about being who I truly am that I found out of SRS before I even found out about HRT when I was still in elementary school.

These feelings and thoughts never escaped from me, I also never told anyone too because every time I did something that was not "boyish," I would get backlash from people even though I looked like a girl (people gave me a female nickname because of that thinking they were making fun of me but secretly I was happy). However, soon came the more severe negativity where I was ridiculed for those actions forcing me to take matters into my own hands and try to be as masculine as I can be so I can shut those people up for good. I took up weight training and consuming things that naturally had exorbitant amount of testosterone. That did not go according to plan as I could not bulk up no matter what I did.

Then when I was accepted to a University away from home, I figured I could transition there since I had a whole year and just come back home as the new me. But it was clear that I would not have a home to come back to if I did (based off of reactions from family to people of the LGBTQ group. Btw, my family is ultra traditional asian so anything out of the norm is not acceptable). So I went off the emotional deep end and thought I'd just be the most masculine person I can be and hope these feelings I've had for nearly my entire life would go away. I joined AFROTC in the hopes of making it to Special Forces (CRO - Pararescue to be specific) as well as got a full time job working for the Department of Public Safety (because I needed money to pay for tuition since DOD budget cuts pushed cadets contracting with full paid tuition out by a year, that's a whole other story though) all the while going to school full time. After a year have passed, cadet contracting was pushed out one more year again, I went to Phase I selection for SF and was DQ'd there due to a technicality (wrong form). I pushed off anything relating to transitioning for two years because of that and now I am back to square one except I am now just juggling school and job (still had tuition and rent and bills to pay). Because of the non-LGBTQ friendly environment I was in (I was ridiculed for even saying the phrase "Hey there girlfrand" to a really good female friend of mine off-duty and was threatened to not come back into work if I were to do that again), I had to push anything relating to transition out again until I graduate and leave that environment.

After graduation, with no job lined up and in depression because my life plans pretty much shattered within the past few years, I moved back home and gained a ton of weight that I am still in the process of losing (almost done though!) Finally got a job in corporate America for one of the largest retailers, my life started turning around again. Now, I can pay for things I need to assist in transitioning, however, still not enough money to live on my own so I can escape being disowned and kicked out of the house. I joined a gym, started laser hair removal on my face, and started growing out my hair. I went back down the spiral after I went to my usual barber after growing my hair out for 4 months. I told her that I want to grow my hair long so I just need her to trim the back of my head keeping it neat back there... she gave me a buzz cut... I also came out to a really close friend of mine who is very understanding, she and I have been closer afterwards and no one else currently knows besides her. I also started going to an informed consent clinic to get myself checked out, the doctor stated that everything was normal besides my estrogen level. She stated that my estrogen levels are twice that of where males' max levels should be at and that she'd need to monitor and see what's causing that.

Fast forward a couple of months, due to some prior obligations and still living at home paycheck to paycheck, I have yet postponed transitioning. The company I work for has zero tolerance for any sort of non-tolerance by employees so I know I would not have trouble transitioning besides for the fact that I know many people will talk behind my back as they do currently to others (I do not participate in this at all).

I am 23, almost 24 by the way. My goal was to transition when I was 18, postponed it to 22 after graduation, and now hopefully before I turn 25 (have some legal business things to get out of the way first). I have gone up and down the emotional roller coaster and ridiculed and harassed for being who I am, but I know I am strong (physically and mentally) and that is why I give people the middle finger and a long and loud "**** you" when they cross the line and truly deserve it since I am very open minded (takes too much to get me angry, some people have told me that I am crazy because of how much it takes to get my angry) and can take a joke like a Shaolin monk taking a beat down without budging.

So yeah, HIII!!!! It's nice to finally have create an account after lurking for nearly two years :x.

Have a wonderful New Year, all of you!

Hi TDawesome,

Welcome to Susan's.

I don't normally read the introductions let alone reply to them, but it was just as well I did today. It was a long read but a nice read.

There are parallels in your post I can draw from. I also knew from a very young age I didn't want to be a boy. In my case it wasn't fair that the girls all got to wear nice dresses and had pretty ribbons in their lovely long hair and the boys well um... didn't. I too am Asian (overseas Chinese), so I can relate to the whole ultra traditional family thing as well. In fact it is really putting me off from telling any of them about me being trans since I've had a few bad moments when I was a child over being caught cross dressing, but eh, they're going to find out eventually since I've already been on HRT for well over a year and there's been a lot of physical changes. I too thought that leaving home and going to university would mark the starting point of my transitioning, but life and a bit of self denial just got in the way. It's been many years for me since then, but I eventually did make the conscious effort to do it.

Hope to hear more from you,

Leila.

Hi TDawesome  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

Hi Leila and VM!

Thank you both for the warm and personally relatable welcome! I must apologize for the long read though.

It's great to read your post since you are someone with similar experiences and family situations.

I plan on going about the transition thing slowly and just let things settle into place so they will get accustomed to the changes. But it'd hit them one day when they finally go "wait a minute" and start putting the pieces together.

I'm glad that you took that big step in starting HRT. I just hope that one day, sooner than later, I too can take that step after I get my life in order.

Hi TDawesome ,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Glad to see you finally joining in. I'm sure we'll all have something to learn from your experiences. I hope this coming year will see many of your dreams and desires fulfilled.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Thanks for the warm Aussie welcome!

I will definitely make an effort to come and post more often, hopefully make a couple of new friends as well. And I, too, wish I can become who I am before the year end.