Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: ChiGirl on January 03, 2015, 04:21:22 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Happy to be here!
Post by: ChiGirl on January 03, 2015, 04:21:22 PM
Post by: ChiGirl on January 03, 2015, 04:21:22 PM
So happy to have found this place. I've been lurking for a few days to get a feel for everything and I really like what I see. Everyone seems so supportive and helpful. On to the introduction.
I am a 40 year old transgender woman. I am living and presenting male. I don't think anyone who I haven't come out to has ANY idea. I'm 6 foot, 350lbs. I look like I should have played linebacker in high school. I have a wife and daughter. I only just starting to come out to myself and a few others. I have NO idea how to come out to my wife.
I knew at five I wanted to be a girl. A few years later, I told my cousin and they laughed at me. I was so ashamed, I hid it to myself for years. Throughout high school, the feelings came back stronger and stronger. I started growing my hair out. When I went away to college, I knew I was ready to really explore my gender issues seriously. I found a therapists, met other trans students, joined a support group. By Thanksgiving, I was ready to tell me parents.
Well, it could've gone worse. There was crying, yelling, accusations, and more crying. My parents wanted to help, but help "cure" me. I don't blame them (much). They didn't know. The only clue my mother ever had was when she found me reading Christine Jorgensen's biography in high school. She told me "Those things happen to other people."
We went to therapists and doctors, trying to make sense of it. I was still determined, but I began to waver when faced with the real possibility of losing my parents. I didn't know if I could do it. Finally, my mom asked me to see a special therapist who did past life and soul regression. Very weird, but I went along to make them happy. Under a deep hypnotic state, she "walked" me into my soul where we found a female spirit who have been living within me. I had to let her go. I did and it was one of the most painful things I ever did. It literally felt like part of me died. After that, the feelings of gender dysphoria weren't so strong and I thought maybe I could live a "normal" life. (Boy, do I like using quotes!)
After college, I met up with an old girlfriend and everything clicked. We started dating again and 2 years later, we married. A year later, we had a daughter. Normalcy achieved! For a while. When my daughter was 2, my mother passed away. I avoided transition so I wouldn't lose her and yet I did anyway.
In the last few years, everything has come flooding back. It's like a dam getting ready to break. First, I knew it was there. I always did, but I looked at my transgender status as something old, something I could have done, but not anymore. Then the cracks started. The depression and anxiety, the sleep thrashing, the anger and resentment. I ended up in the hospital for depression and went to 3 different outpatient depression centers in 3 years. I was depressed, but I refused to admit it was the gender dysphoria. It had to be something else.
The first big crack came when my doctor said I had low-T. I didn't want to take the testosterone and had to ask myself why. I knew why. The second big crack came when I was having a minor breakdown to my father and everything that was wrong and how my wife and I were fighting and how she was blaming him for my depression because he was a bad father (her opinion, not mine) and all this other stuff that was pissing me off. He listened and then asked me, "Are you still dealing with your gender issues?" I was blown away. I said yes and started crying again. He recommended that I talk to his therapist that he (and my mom) saw since I first came out. I was reluctant, but after I finally admitted my gender dysphoria to my therapist and he had no idea what to do, I felt I had nothing else to lose. It was an eye-opener. We did nothing but talk about my gender identity and it was wonderful to get it all out. She made me feel like it was all okay. She hooked me up with a gender therapist neat who is wonderful. I haven't seen him since before Christmas, but I have my next appt next week and I can't wait.
I feel like the dam is gone, but it's good. I don't know if I'm going to transition, but I sure am working towards. I had let myself go, gaining all this weight, not really caring about what happened to me. Now, I'm working out everyday, I'm actually changing my eating habits, and I think about the future with a smile on my face. I don't what's going to come next, but I'm ready for the process.
The biggest worry next? Coming out to my wife. I really don't think she'll take it well. I hope she'll surprise me, but I'm not counting on it. I do know this. Our marriage will almost certainly end either way. If I don't come out, this depression and anger will continue and we won't recover. If I do tell her, I don't expect a positive response. Maybe that sounds negative, but it's just being realistic.
It's going to be a long process, but right now I'm working with my therapist and focusing on losing weight and body hair. I am so glad I've found this place.
So happy to be here.
I am a 40 year old transgender woman. I am living and presenting male. I don't think anyone who I haven't come out to has ANY idea. I'm 6 foot, 350lbs. I look like I should have played linebacker in high school. I have a wife and daughter. I only just starting to come out to myself and a few others. I have NO idea how to come out to my wife.
I knew at five I wanted to be a girl. A few years later, I told my cousin and they laughed at me. I was so ashamed, I hid it to myself for years. Throughout high school, the feelings came back stronger and stronger. I started growing my hair out. When I went away to college, I knew I was ready to really explore my gender issues seriously. I found a therapists, met other trans students, joined a support group. By Thanksgiving, I was ready to tell me parents.
Well, it could've gone worse. There was crying, yelling, accusations, and more crying. My parents wanted to help, but help "cure" me. I don't blame them (much). They didn't know. The only clue my mother ever had was when she found me reading Christine Jorgensen's biography in high school. She told me "Those things happen to other people."
We went to therapists and doctors, trying to make sense of it. I was still determined, but I began to waver when faced with the real possibility of losing my parents. I didn't know if I could do it. Finally, my mom asked me to see a special therapist who did past life and soul regression. Very weird, but I went along to make them happy. Under a deep hypnotic state, she "walked" me into my soul where we found a female spirit who have been living within me. I had to let her go. I did and it was one of the most painful things I ever did. It literally felt like part of me died. After that, the feelings of gender dysphoria weren't so strong and I thought maybe I could live a "normal" life. (Boy, do I like using quotes!)
After college, I met up with an old girlfriend and everything clicked. We started dating again and 2 years later, we married. A year later, we had a daughter. Normalcy achieved! For a while. When my daughter was 2, my mother passed away. I avoided transition so I wouldn't lose her and yet I did anyway.
In the last few years, everything has come flooding back. It's like a dam getting ready to break. First, I knew it was there. I always did, but I looked at my transgender status as something old, something I could have done, but not anymore. Then the cracks started. The depression and anxiety, the sleep thrashing, the anger and resentment. I ended up in the hospital for depression and went to 3 different outpatient depression centers in 3 years. I was depressed, but I refused to admit it was the gender dysphoria. It had to be something else.
The first big crack came when my doctor said I had low-T. I didn't want to take the testosterone and had to ask myself why. I knew why. The second big crack came when I was having a minor breakdown to my father and everything that was wrong and how my wife and I were fighting and how she was blaming him for my depression because he was a bad father (her opinion, not mine) and all this other stuff that was pissing me off. He listened and then asked me, "Are you still dealing with your gender issues?" I was blown away. I said yes and started crying again. He recommended that I talk to his therapist that he (and my mom) saw since I first came out. I was reluctant, but after I finally admitted my gender dysphoria to my therapist and he had no idea what to do, I felt I had nothing else to lose. It was an eye-opener. We did nothing but talk about my gender identity and it was wonderful to get it all out. She made me feel like it was all okay. She hooked me up with a gender therapist neat who is wonderful. I haven't seen him since before Christmas, but I have my next appt next week and I can't wait.
I feel like the dam is gone, but it's good. I don't know if I'm going to transition, but I sure am working towards. I had let myself go, gaining all this weight, not really caring about what happened to me. Now, I'm working out everyday, I'm actually changing my eating habits, and I think about the future with a smile on my face. I don't what's going to come next, but I'm ready for the process.
The biggest worry next? Coming out to my wife. I really don't think she'll take it well. I hope she'll surprise me, but I'm not counting on it. I do know this. Our marriage will almost certainly end either way. If I don't come out, this depression and anger will continue and we won't recover. If I do tell her, I don't expect a positive response. Maybe that sounds negative, but it's just being realistic.
It's going to be a long process, but right now I'm working with my therapist and focusing on losing weight and body hair. I am so glad I've found this place.
So happy to be here.
Title: Re: Happy to be here!
Post by: mrs izzy on January 03, 2015, 04:30:25 PM
Post by: mrs izzy on January 03, 2015, 04:30:25 PM
ChiGirl
Welcome to Susan's family.(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femoticons%2Fbugs%2Fbutterfly-smiley-emoticon.gif&hash=55ebfb136b45eac8ba9632f37111f98067fc3aa6) (http://www.sherv.net/)
There are a many here that should have information to help.
So many topics to explore and posts to write.
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Izzy
Forum News: new for our members under 18 a new safe place just for you. Youth talk.
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There are a many here that should have information to help.
So many topics to explore and posts to write.
Pull up a chair and give a look over the following links for site info...(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femoticons%2Fobject%2Fchair-3-smiley-emoticon-emoji.png&hash=f6de189a088518c5de131e0c9ce29661e7a52a55) (http://www.sherv.net/)
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Izzy
Forum News: new for our members under 18 a new safe place just for you. Youth talk.
Title: Re: Happy to be here!
Post by: V M on January 04, 2015, 05:40:16 AM
Post by: V M on January 04, 2015, 05:40:16 AM
Hi ChiGirl :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Happy to be here!
Post by: Catherine Sarah on January 04, 2015, 06:57:51 AM
Post by: Catherine Sarah on January 04, 2015, 06:57:51 AM
Hi ChiGirl,
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.
Congratulation for coming this far. You have a way to travel yet, as you know, and best of all; you have the answer within. It's now a matter of facing the realiy of a brighter future. Yu already know it's not going to be easy, but it's better than your current option.
We are here for you.
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.
Congratulation for coming this far. You have a way to travel yet, as you know, and best of all; you have the answer within. It's now a matter of facing the realiy of a brighter future. Yu already know it's not going to be easy, but it's better than your current option.
We are here for you.
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine