Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Well, hello everyone. It's been a bit since I posted and despite my best efforts to find a similar topic discussed in another thread....

I have been struggling a bit with doubts about myself. Ultimately, I lean back and calmly think that I am doing the right thing for me. But the doubts come from the financial toll, the loss of my wife/family, relocating. I also realize that many people view me as selfish for doing this and that really hurts, too. I'm not sure that these are doubts by definition, more so factors into what causes me to doubt my transition.

So, first question--what percentage of transwomen have doubts during/after transition? (I've talked to some but I guess I always like to get a larger sample size)

Second....how often does it come up? (Monthly--haha; weekly, daily, hourly.....)

I don't have doubts so much as moments (days) of despair in which I contemplate chucking the whole thing to maintain my security. Ultimately I remember that you can't buy people's love that way. Sweety will either continue to love me as I change or not, but she certainly won't love me as a surly, bitter old man or a rotting pile under six feet of earth, some grass and a tombstone.

I've had not one doubt that I'm trans since I came to my revelation, only on how fast I need to go with it. YMMV.

I am having doubts right now. That's why I see a therapist and I always step back and take stock of myself.

Doubts are natural and normal. They mean you are stepping back and taking stock. There are real consequences to transition, pros and cons that need to be weighed up. I tried to transition when I was in my early twenties, then after two years my doubt became so great I fully reversed and went into trans denial for over twenty years. Maybe I could have tried to transition again sooner than I did but was I ready? Even now, when I have found transition has been right for me I still have doubts from time to time...usually when I am facing some new challenge or event. I'm glad I have those doubts they allow me to reevaluate. Like Kate I am seeing a therapist to help me make sense of that.

What kind of doubts?
Should I do this?/Am I trans enough?/WTF!!! I am doing?/Do I need therapist or not?/ Spiro or Androcur?/Will I pass-look good-get attention from guys/girls/fluffy kittenz-whateva?/FFS-SRS or not?/Suporn or Chett?/

Those kind of questions or something more specific? I get a bit of everything (except for kittens), but most of them are not really doubts but my idle mind playing games with itself.

Quote from: Aus76 on January 05, 2015, 02:48:31 PM
So, first question--what percentage of transwomen have doubts during/after transition? (I've talked to some but I guess I always like to get a larger sample size)

I'd say way larger than 50%. For those of us who didn't "always know", probably approaching 100%. For those who knew from a young age, maybe a bit less.

Quote from: Aus76 on January 05, 2015, 02:48:31 PMSecond....how often does it come up? (Monthly--haha; weekly, daily, hourly.....)

For me it was daily before my transition. Post transition, never.

Doubts..   No none so far.  Fear heck yes i am scared to death.  But deep down i feel this is something i need to do and to follow though to where ever it takes me.  That is what i have told my wife.   Even while i know there is a good chance i will lose her, my son, my house, my marriage, many friends, family members.   I am sure the list can go on.  But then I also like to think i dont have to lose any of that no one really knows until you start down the path what lies ahead.   I know if i dont change i will lose myself and my happiness.  And if i do change that i may not gain my happiness but there is also a good chance i will find it.   Just recently i have started a blog/journal to help me put down in words my feelings and my thoughts and to help me take a step back and look at myself from far away.   I look at my life and most of it i have always made the right decisions even when they were not easy ones.  So i figured this is just one of those times.   i dont like to play the with if game.   If you sit there always wondering about what if you did this or that then you end up not getting anything done.   So doubts none so far but i do smile and giggle as i think of what the future may hold for me and i am excited to take t head on. 


Vicky
MtF

Before deciding to get help, yeah I was constantly weighing the pros and cons of transitioning. Now that I am actually transitioning, I have no doubts about the direction I am going.

I waited till I wished I wasn't living before I gave up on making my assigned gender work.  The advatage to waiting that long is I have no doubts, cause I know right where the other road terminates, the disadvatage is doing so almost killed me.   I would rather have lived with some doubts, cause I will always bear more scars for waiting.

Pre-transition I had plently of doubts.  And by pre-transition, I mean until I was 43 years old.

I felt like I should have been a girl since I was 4, but seeing what was between my legs made me doubt that.
As a teenager, I wanted to be intimate with girls, not boys, further fueling my doubts of my transgender status. 
When my dysphoric episodes waned, I doubted that I was actually transgender.
When I grew to be quite large, I doubted that I could ever pass as a woman no matter what and tried to put it out of my mind any way I could.
When I started noticeably losing my hair, I declared my dream to be dead because it was now too late, and I was undoubdtedly depressed.
When I became indifferent to living because I never would get to even try to present myself as female, I doubted that coming out to my wife would end well. (It did.)
When I began to present myself as female in private, I doubted that I could ever pull it off in public.
When I went to therapy for the first time, I still doubted that I was transgender enough to transition fully and wanted all other options on the table.
When I finally got the nerve to see the endo, I doubted that taking estrogen would actually help my mental state, and even secretly wished it wouldn't help so I could put this whole "woman" thing to bed once and for all.

Then something amazing happened.  The estrogen helped so much that I knew I could never stop taking it. My hair started growing back, I felt happy and relaxed.  I felt like ME.  I mean the real me, with growing breasts.  I no longer had any doubts about being transgender. 

Then I got a new set of doubts.  Would people accept me, would I be disowned, could I ever go out in public presenting female without people wanting to harass me, hurt me or worse?  Could I ever be seen as anything other than a shaven ape in a dress? Could I even transition fully, or would I have to keep this private forever.

I tested the waters.  I left the house en femme.  Then I did it again.  Nothing bad happened.  I started going to therapy in full Jill mode.  Still, nothing bad.  I went out of town in girl mode and spent the weekend in San Diego just being me.   I was nervous and it showed. I was clocked left and right, stared at, pointed at, laughed at and ridiculed publically.   Instead of quitting right there and then, I resolved to work on my demeanor.  It worked.  I went full time three weeks later and never looked back.  I came out to the world and let the chips fall where they did.

I am transsexual, I intend to transition fully, and I never want to go back to the way things were.  Ever.  To this there is no doubt.

Nowadays, my doubts consist of things like:
"I doubt that I can pull off that shade of green."
"I doubt that lipstick shade would look good on me."
"I doubt that I could wear that dress and look good in it."
"I doubt that the Yankees will be any good this year."

The only time that I ever had any doubts was when it came to GRS. I would never be able to afford the surgery and all of the associated costs. Up until that point, it was full steam ahead, (as much as I could afford to anyway). But once I began delving into all of the in's & out's of GRS, I knew it was never going to happen. I decided to have an orchi a few days later and set that ball in motion. I've had no regrets from that point on.

I doubted myself practically hourly at first, and questioned constantly whether I was even really trans. (I didn't realize I'd need to transition until I was 32, and there was a time when I was content being a guy. So I already didn't have the "standard narrative.")

For what it's worth, I have ended up post-op and really happy, so doubting and second-guessing didn't mean I wasn't a good candidate for transition. :)

Doubts? I haven't doubted that I was trans since I actually learned what trans actually was.

However, I have suffered from massive and traumatic doubts about when I should take action on my new knowledge. For me, I am working in an extremely conservative job where it isn't uncommon (due to recent press) to hear violent and terrifying things said about any and all things concerning transgender issues. Transitioning necessarily means that I have to abandon this environment and get a job that is far more welcoming. Otherwise, transitioning would be a tragedy.

Have I doubted? Yes, I've doubted that I have the courage and the strength necessary to leave my familiar settings and go somewhere new and strange. However, it's the right thing to do. My entire life, I've given so much for others and to others. Now, every day, I feel like I'm sinking further and further into a quicksand of dysphoria. It has negatively impacted all of my mental abilities. I *know* where this weight and burden are. Not resolving it would likely lead to tragedy.

I'm rambling, but... I guess what I want to say is... Yeah, it's natural to have doubts, and everyone probably has doubts that apply to their own specific situation. However, despite the doubts, it doesn't hurt to seek help and, if it is needed, to take some kind of action. You'll be happier in the long run...

Well I'm only just starting on this journey so I have ALL the doubts, lol.  At the moment they seem almost constant.  One look in the mirror is enough to set them off, one look around the house and family I will be leaving soon (not from choice). 

But one thing I don't doubt is that if I don't do this I will never ever forgive myself in the future. To know who I really am and what I need to do about it yet do nothing? Noooooo!  So I push through all the doubts and fear, hold on desperately to that vision of myself and hope that one day I will go to bed and actually care if I wake up the next day.

Screw doubts :)

I had doubts pre-transition and some doubts 6 months into hrt but the doubts prehrt were very different from the doubts after I had started hrt.

Jill's description was perfect.

I do have momentary doubts that are more like wondering if I should just retreat to the safety of not making waves and not challenging society.  Then I remember what that means.  I'd have to be a guy and continue not liking myself and never getting to be the real me...and I really like her.  :)

I had doubts ALL through transition.

Pre-transition, I was actually only starting hormones as a "test," to see if they were really what I needed. I was afraid of admitting to myself that I DEEPLY wanted them. For the next 5-7 months, I was constantly fighting the voices in my head which were so damned scared that I couldn't do it, or that I was going to have regrets, that it would never work, that I'm not REALLY female, that it's just going to be a phase, that I might get sick of it and change my mind, that I really did seriously question myself. The first times I ventured out in "girl mode" I was seriously like "OMG, is this seriously what I want for the rest of my f***ing life? I don't feel like a girl, I just feel like a freaking drag queen."

When I was fired from my job the first time, I seriously took time to step back and ask myself if I really knew what the hell I was doing. Were these mood swings ever going to settle down? How the hell was I ever really going to be able to get over my insecurities and EVER go full-time and be comfortable with it if doing something as simple as wearing clear nail polish on my fingers to work turned me into a nervous wreck? Around the 1-year-mark I started worrying that it was hopeless that I'd ever pass, that I was just going to be some he-she-it freak if I continued transition, because I'd NEVER been gendered female, even despite 11 months of hormones and growing my hair out and switching to an androgynous wardrobe.

Even after I finally did start getting gendered female, I still had doubts that I could transition... I was terrified by whether I'd be accepted, whether women would really be okay with calling me one of their own, with being able to use their bathroom, etc, etc. After getting fired from yet ANOTHER job, I seriously started being afraid that transition was just going to destroy my life, and that I might have no choice but to abandon it and go back to being male to keep my working life afloat at all. I had a REALLY hard time making the mental jump from "I wish I was a girl, I want to become one," to "I AM a girl." That step was really hard, and made me have some doubts right after going full-time.

And even post-transition and with a stable job again, I'm still sometimes doubting that I have the mental strength to keep doing it, because I'm still fighting dysphoria about how I still don't look like the cis girls look to my own eyes. And I have some really bad self-critical bouts where my mind is like "I'll never be a REAL girl, so why even bother?"

The thing that kept me going was knowing that I really did want to be female... what I was doubting wasn't my own gender identity, they were just fears and feelings of inadequacy and the complications of being a trans woman in real life getting to me. And so I pressed on, and fought through all of the fears and doubts, and now I am indeed finally relaxing and getting a bit more comfortable with myself. I still have occasional doubts, but they usually only show up during dysphoric bouts. The rest of the time, I'm just living my life, being myself, and not really thinking about it anymore.

I haven't had any doubts related to transition at all since I decided to do it, its actually been one of the few things in my life that I've been happy about in the past year. I've had a lot of other struggles and challenges that honestly put most of my transition on auto pilot, but I was aware of it. The things I've doubted are was it necessary to cut ties with my family because they contently try to ruin the relationship between my soon to be ex wife, our son and myself, examples being they kicked me out of their house that I was living in after being retired from the Army for taking her side, then called child services on us when I was at her house. After that they filed for visitation. I also doubt if moving to Oklahoma and living in the same house as my wife again was a healthy decision, since living here I've had several times where I thought of cutting myself and one time where I did hurt myself because of our fighting, which is why we were separated. Sadly she can't afford to rent her own place yet and doesn't even own a car if she did get a place. Out of all these doubts though I haven't had any doubts that I'm doing the right thing by transitioning, I actually find it sad that my family was supportive of me and I can't even think of talking to them right now because I'm made at them for some completely unrelated thing, when so many people would want to talk with a supportive family.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on January 06, 2015, 02:13:35 AM
I had doubts ALL through transition.

Pre-transition, I was actually only starting hormones as a "test," to see if they were really what I needed. I was afraid of admitting to myself that I DEEPLY wanted them. For the next 5-7 months, I was constantly fighting the voices in my head which were so damned scared that I couldn't do it, or that I was going to have regrets, that it would never work, that I'm not REALLY female, that it's just going to be a phase, that I might get sick of it and change my mind, that I really did seriously question myself. The first times I ventured out in "girl mode" I was seriously like "OMG, is this seriously what I want for the rest of my f***ing life? I don't feel like a girl, I just feel like a freaking drag queen."

...

I'm one month in on my own "trial period" of hormones right now and it's bringing on a boatload of doubts similar to yours. Your story is super inspiring and I hope that one day I'll be out of this dark place. :icon_ashamed:

Quote"I'll never be a REAL girl, so why even bother?"

That's exactly what I told myself for years!

I have, technically been transitioning since my forties, went on HRT cusp of forties to fifties....

Every time I set myself up (been plenty and even before Forties) something has stopped me from stepping over that line or point of no return... be it Wife, Kids, Job... always an excuse...

I am hoping I do not repeat this time.... running outta time, also got a much larger wardrobe (feint  :laugh:)... This time I did come out to a close friend.... now got to get the courage up (after finding work) to fully come out, then transition to FT. Plan is 3 ~ 4 very close face to face friends (support group and not known to SO's)), then do the ultimate with SO's (probably be exiled at that point...)

So hence why "technically" transitioning

L Katy  :-*

Quote from: ChrissyChips on January 05, 2015, 06:59:07 PM
Well I'm only just starting on this journey so I have ALL the doubts, lol.  At the moment they seem almost constant.  One look in the mirror is enough to set them off, one look around the house and family I will be leaving soon (not from choice). 

But one thing I don't doubt is that if I don't do this I will never ever forgive myself in the future. To know who I really am and what I need to do about it yet do nothing? Noooooo!  So I push through all the doubts and fear, hold on desperately to that vision of myself and hope that one day I will go to bed and actually care if I wake up the next day.

Screw doubts :)

I know this feeling too it appears we are on the same page.  Here's to happy endings. 


Vicky
MtF

My doubts are primarily about who am I harming and will I pass.

My outings in girl mode have been interesting and revealing.

I do get ma'am and miss sometimes but I also get "sir." Most times I don't get any gendering or I might get "hon" or similar (which is genderless?). "Sir" comes more often when I have a beard shadow, 2-3 days prior to electrolysis. Also when I talk. I still use my male wallet because I want to get a good purse. I bought one but returned it, didn't like it much. My voice is nowhere near female, even though I have been learning through FYFV (Andrea James). I am improving some but nowhere near where I'd like to be.

The "sir"s are discouraging. Sometimes I just ignore them. Most times I just walk off.

In girl mode it is problematic with the kids because they constantly scream, "daddy!" likely encouraged by their mom. But they are kids, this is what they do. What can I do? Absolutely nothing. I am still theirs and I don't want them to feel abandoned. The worst was when my daughter blurted out in the grocery store, "daddy, you and <my brother> have a penis and me and <my sister> and mommy have a vagina." WTF!!!??? To be fair, I did tell them the proper names of those parts (penis and vagina) to guard against sexual abuse by child care professionals and others.  However I told them they can only say that at home. Needless to say it turned some heads, got some chuckles and some stares.

I have a feeling some people "sir" me as a test. They kind of suspect something, and if they confirm their gendering, something goes off in their heads... it doesn't help that I don't yet wear makeup, which I'm going to start doing soon though. And I have my stupid male glasses which I'm getting rid of soon.

I have also never worn a skirt or dress in public. Well, except outside my own home but that doesn't really count. I plan to change that soon but I want some progress with the voice first.

Doubts for me come and go just kind of based on life, some times they are more tied to being trans then others. Currently I'm worried that even the guy who says he wants to be with me and that things don't bother him might not feel that way after he spends more time with me. Or there's doubting how passable I actually am and if compliments are just people trying to be nice, but it's best not to dwell on those doubts if you can help it.

I'm not voting because I'm too early in transition to know the answer, but I'll add my voice here. I would say that since finally understanding and accepting myself as trans, I have had zero doubts about that. I have had zero or nearly zero doubts that, in the abstract, I want to fully transition, surgery and all, as soon as I can make it happen.

My doubts are practical doubts, like some of the folks who already posted. Do I have the strength to take this difficult road? Will I ever pass well enough that I can feel comfortable? Will my kids get $#@ at school for having a TS parent? Those things I struggle with. But I never doubt that I'm female.

QuoteI know this feeling too it appears we are on the same page.  Here's to happy endings.

Well we're writing our own stories Vicky, so what better chance for a happy ending? :)

QuoteThe worst was when my daughter blurted out in the grocery store, "daddy, you and <my brother> have a penis and me and <my sister> and mommy have a vagina." WTF!!!???

That one had me rolling around Kate!

Having doubts in ones decisions is a part of life. Let's face it a gender transition is a pretty big task to undertake and I would very skeptical of someone who said "zero doubts, etc" at the beginning of a transition or even part way through since it's impossible to know at the beginning or middle of a journey just how the journey is going to end if there even is an end. I had no idea going into this of just what kind of person I would be coming out. "Who was I really?" Would be a difficult question to answer at the start of a process. All I can say is I reached a point in my life where doing nothing was worse than doing something, the something being the transition itself. I am pretty sure that if I had done nothing at all, then I would be a very miserable person indeed or very likely not even here at all. There are a lot of daunting questions to face during a gender transition.

* will I meet my own expectations of an outcome?
* will I be able to provide for myself?
* will I be worse off or better off afterwards?
* what if I have to leave my old life entirely in the dust and walk away to an uncertain future?
* do I really have the right savvy and courage to be the person I really want or was meant to be?

All I can say in my case is that for better or for worse, my transition proved the one thing that I always knew about myself, that I should have been born a girl. It's definitely the gender role for me, physically, psychically and sexually.

I have to say that every now and then a thread comes along that gives me the exact answers I need at the exact time I need them....and this is one of them :)

I had a lot of doubts before reaching full time but I literally took two years on HRT before I did took that step. Part of the reason for that long period was personal insecurity and doubts. But my therapist and I have worked through a lot of these issues (repeatedly no less! :) ) and I finally reached a point where, in March of last year I knew. That was when I spent a week away in another city with dear friends and everywhere I went I was accepted as me, as a woman, and I even attracted some male attention.

I'm not perfect. Nobody is. But I believe in myself now and I know that transition is right for me. For me, since I came out to HR and my boss back in March, there have been no more doubts thus far about transition.

As to the question of who I will hurt? Again, my therapist and I worked through this. I didn't hurt anyone. I chose a regimen of treatment prescribed for my GID and suicidal tendencies. My spouse and eldest son were the ones who chose to be hurt about this. And that was their decision, because my daughter was not. Disappointed that my spouse and I would not finish our lives together, but not hurt about this. (She's been divorced once so understood better than my sons perhaps.) My youngest son chose to be hurt, at first, but he seems to finally be coming around, beginning to accept me, beginning to come over, talk to me, let me see his child (one of my grandchildren). I hope that my little grandson grows up and always knows me as Cara and nothing else. I hope that my other grandchildren can let the image of "him" fade and learn to see me as Cara as well. (My eldest grandchild is doing that and handling it well so far too.)

Once I realized that certain people chose to be hurt over this, I would ask them, why weren't you hurt when I chose chemotherapy and surgery to fight cancer back in 1996? Why did you support one medical treatment regimen and oppose another? I've never received a clear answer to that either. And, as my youngest son begins to open up to me again, I realize even more strongly, that certain people chose certain responses to this, that they own their own responses, and that they can change their responses. And when they choose not to change that response, it's a deliberate choice too.

As a lot of these emotional issues have settled for me over the last few years, as I've become my own woman, my doubts have faded, at least about transition.

This might help with your doubts

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

some excerpts

"Group Three (G3) is composed of natal males who identify as female but who act and appear normally male. We can hypothesize that prenatal androgenization was sufficient to allow these individuals to appear and act normally as males but insufficient to establish a firm male gender identity. For these female-identified males, the result is a more complicated and insidious sex/gender discontinuity. Typically, from earliest childhood these individuals suffer increasingly painful and chronic gender dysphoria. They tend to live secretive lives, often making increasingly stronger attempts to convince themselves and others that they are male....

The story is very different for Group Three. In the hope of ridding themselves of their dysphoria they tend to invest heavily in typical male activities. Being largely heterosexual, they marry and have children, hold advanced educational degrees and are involved at high levels of corporate and academic cultures. These are the invisible or cloistered gender dysphorics. They develop an aura of deep secrecy based on shame and risk of ridicule and their secret desire to be female is protected at all costs. The risk of being found out adds to the psychological and physiological pressures they experience. Transitioning from this deeply entrenched defensive position is very difficult. The irony here is that gender dysphoric symptoms appear to worsen in direct proportion to their self-enforced entrenchment in the male world. The further an individual gets from believing he can ever live as a female, the more acute and disruptive his dysphoria becomes....

In what follows I describe five distinct developmental stages, that make up the standard periods of developmental psychology: childhood, adolescence, young adult, middle age, and older adult.

Childhood---Confusion and rebellion

Adolescence--False hopes and disappointment

Early adulthood--Hesitant compliance

Middle age--Feelings of self induced entrapment

Older adult--Depression and resignation"

Since there is no evidence that cross-gender behavior occurs more often in boys than it does in girls, a possible interpretation of this statistic is that effeminacy in boys may be considered by parents to be more upsetting and in need of correction than tomboyish behavior in girls.

Given the nature of the disorder and the ability of some children to conceal it, I believe that most children with gender dysphoria are never diagnosed as such. Those children cope by sticking rigorously to the role expected of them. Privately, however, they continue to go deeper and deeper into a highly guarded parallel world of cross-gender envy and fantasy. Given their propensity to be studious, detached and self absorbed, I have come to think of these children as living cloistered lives. These children grow up to form the core of Group Three.

For cloistered gender dysphoric boys it was in the area of peers and activities, especially sports, that the problem was most noticeable. Unable or uninterested in competing in organized boys' activities and having been shuffled decidedly away from playing with the girls, many became reclusive. To add to their confusion, and counter to behavior typically reported in openly gender dysphoric boys, many cloistered boys actually preferred solo play with boys' toys and had little or no interest in girls' toys. For example I have heard more than one long-time post-op male-to-female transsexual speak fondly of having spent countless hours playing with an Erector Set or a Lionel model train set-up that their father had helped them build. Others described of designing and making detailed model airplanes, race cars and sailing ships. The more academic of this group report little or no interest in sports and rough and tumble play. To avoid castigation from their peers, they report spending a lot of time reading and studying. However, although these children appeared to be normal boys doing what most people would consider some normal boy activities, they may very well have been doing so while secretly wearing their mother's or sister's underwear, fantasizing about being a girl or both if they could manage it....

Another common attempt to "make it"- as a man by gender dysphoric males in this age range is to marry and have children. Unlike their non-dysphoric male peers, these men's attraction toward the idea of family is not the standard one. Some individuals report telling their partners about their life long desires to be female before getting married, but the vast majority do not, perhaps from fear of ridicule or rejection, or because they maintain the fantasy that marriage will provide a cure. Many clients report that they were sure that being a husband would cement their maleness. This logic, unfortunately, gets extended to the idea of having children. Although gender dysphoric males are generally no better or worse as fathers then the next man, they soon come to realize that what they had hoped would be an answer has instead complicated their gender issues enormously.....

For those who continue to struggle inwardly with their gender issues into mid-life, new issues come to the fore. As a time when most people realize that about half of life has been lived and feel the need to make an accounting of who they are and what they have done with their lives, this period can be especially anxiety provoking for the gender-dysphoric individual. Decades of trying to overcome an increasing gender expression deprivation anxiety begin to weigh heavily on the individual. Family and career are now as deeply rooted as they will ever be. The idea of starting over as a member of a different sex has become seemingly impossible. The fact that the need to change sex has increased rather than diminished, despite Herculean efforts, is now undeniable....

Yet when interviewed, those who chose to remain male speak of a clear longing for what might have been. Senior gender dysphoric males typically report they have been waiting, many since childhood in the hope that their desire to be female would simply "go away." Like those who are younger, they say in resignation that if they had known the dysphoria was going to remain such a strong force in their lives, they would have braved anything to face their dilemma decades sooner..."

Characteristically these people can be described as sad, depressed and deeply resentful. In treating these individuals, the best that can be done is to help them feel better about cross-dressing and encourage them to have contact with other crossdressers their age. Success of sorts can be as simple as helping someone find the courage to shave off a moustache behind which he has been hiding his gender issues for forty years...."

chilling.
it goes on with uncanny accuracy... well worth a read.

the final pargraph of th conclusion is- well, see for yourself.

"Gender identity issues can be a life-long condition for those who find it too difficult to deal with directly. Each life stage presents new dilemmas and decisions in relation to this core issue. In general it can be said that the more the individual struggles to rid themselves of gender dysphoria by increasing social and physical investments in their assigned sex, the greater the generalized anxiety and the harder it becomes to restart life sexually reassigned. For those individuals who, despite all obstacles, can transition to a new gender role, it has been shown that gender transition that includes psychotherapy, hormonal therapy and--in most cases--gender reassignment surgery, significantly reduce and eventually eliminates the anxiety entirely[/i]."

Time to get cracking ladies. Lets adapt, overcome, and move into a happy new part of our lives!

Alex, on the face of your post it seems to be fairly accurate, certainly during my lifespan....

"
Childhood---Confusion and rebellion - Yes certainly Confusion over why do I feel the way I do, tried harming and wishing those unwanted organs would go or not be there... Rebellion, I guess sort of but more born of frustration

Adolescence--False hopes and disappointment

Early adulthood--Hesitant compliance - Yep, in absence of help or even listen by anyone that might care, I tried to conform, got married had kids etc, etc, etc....

Middle age--Feelings of self induced entrapment - This was the killer time for me, was almost a yearly battle, tried in my mind to step through all opportunities to transition till finally started HRT very late forties... But was still trapped, could not destroy the trust so many had in me, and not just family...

Older adult--Depression and resignation - Time for real change! Just can't keep pretending anymore, want to enjoy the remaining years of my life being the person I always knew and dreamt of making reality!


Certainly will read the full paper...

L Katy  :-*

Idk.  I mean I can see how that article is describing common narratives, but I feel like it is trying to put people in boxes they may or may not fit, and I also just feel the premise it has about prenatal androgenization just sounds kind of... made up?  It all just seems like an old way of thinking.

However, the narratives being described have become common for a reason.  This feeling really doesn't ever just go away I don't believe.

Alex, this is definitely a "classical" model that works for a majority of trans people. If you identify with these stories, then great!

I just want to add in, though, not everyone is going to fit neatly into one of these two narratives. (And I'm illustrating this so that those who don't neatly fit into one or the other won't feel excluded or doubt themselves because of it.) This was a model that was more common back in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, where the focus of the mental health community was often on the dichotomy between "primary transsexualism" (young-transitioning homosexual transgender people,) and "secondary transsexualism" (late-transitioning heterosexual transgender people.)

And, well, as with any binary, it does not work for everyone. Usually the stereotype is that late transitioners are heterosexual, fit in just fine as male, had normal male friends and behavior, even might have married, generally blended in just fine as their birth sex pre-transition; where early transitioners are highly gender-nonconforming, homosexual, and never blended in as male.

Again, for those that this model works for, fine. But then you have anomales... take me for example. I did NOT have any childhood gender dysphoria. I never cross-dressed, I never wanted to be a girl as a kid, and then all of a sudden at age 14 it hit me like a ton of bricks. And even though I've always been "heterosexual," I didn't blend in as a "normal" male. I was teased all through my childhood because of my effeminate behavior and mannerisms I did prefer the friendships of girls just like your typical "primary" transsexual person, and I often find that my experiences of dysphoria have more in common with the young transitioners who usually transition in high school or college than the late transitioners, even though I was straight and even though by all other measures I should be a "secondary" transsexual because my dysphoria didn't even start until puberty. (Hell, there's not even a place in these two narratives that mentions that some people's dysphoria starts later in life. Both of them imply that it's "supposed" to start in childhood, age 4-5.) There's a lot of contradictions like this. There's many homosexual trans women I know who didn't transition until they were into their thirties. Technically they should be "primary" due to their sexual orientation, but their age and the degree of their dysphoria more closely match those of "secondary" transsexuals.

Just throwing that out there.

Interesting, and makes a lot of sense! Thanks!

I guess the two types are attractors on the graph round which more subtle variants like yourself orbit. I was absolutely struck at how it seemed to perfectly sum up my own life with frnkly spooky acuracy and just assumed others would feel the same, so its good to have more perspective on things.

Im certain you are right about lack of nuance, and Id love to see a paper based on thousands of stories and more detail, and not just on what sounds like western, white people, but the signal that seems to be emerging from the data; it doesnt go away. Doubts, while natural, simply prolong and increase dysphoria. Ive yet to find a story from the tens ive read of anyone who was delighted about not transitioning, they all love it. And the ones who dont are very very sad. Thats inline with the percentages mentioned in the paper; 1-2% regret transition. 98-99% dont.
So even for people with doubts, which surely is everyone at some stage, youve a 98 or 99% chance that if you want to transition, youll feel better if you do. Im new to all this as you can tell, but those odds definitely help me with my doubts.

Hi Carrie, Fair comment, however it sort of works for me, coming through those dark years (for me), but, as you so rightly point out, its not for everyone... especially those in the more enlightened times  ;)

I lived through the "the kid is sick" feed mind modifying drugs and commit to an institution.... are more commonly "where did you come up with 'I want to be a girl', go play with your trucks and I won't tell your father when he gets home!" The subject of Dysphoria, transsexual's or transgender were not known generally, there was no internet etc.... If you kept suggesting you should have been born in the opposite sex, you were labelled as queer and generally set upon... parents would see Dr's asking if anything can be done to correct the Kid! This is what caused suppression of desires and need to conform back in the dark ages  :embarrassed:  then >:(

Sorry not meaning to rant  :laugh: certainly not bitter.... well a tiny bit because of.....

Still times are a changing, thank god  :)

L Katy :-*

I have doubts all the time, about a lot of things. So doubting myself during transition is normal.

I am scared that I won't ever pass, I am scared I will never get voice right, I am scared of losing my security. However all that said I don't want to go back, just have to keep pushing forwards with who I am.

I totally agree that it's difficult and dangerous to file people into boxes, but it is eerie how closely the description in alexbb's quote reflects the trajectory of my life so far. That it also agrees with more or less exactly what I'd already concluded about myself feels pretty reassuring.

In the morning, when I'm getting ready for work is when I feel most feminine and ready for the day.

  As the hours slug by and my interactions with other people increases, so my confidence wanes.  It's at these moments, these miniscule happenings with people, that I feel the most doubt overtake my being.

I'm still in shock at just how much a single person at a cash register proclaiming me sir can negatively affect my day and further doubt.  Im still learning to cope with these things, but it's not something that can be learned overnight.

it was "transition or die."

No room for doubts.

And the way this whole thing has just felt so RIGHT the whole time kind of chased any doubts away as well.

I feel absolutely incredible, and I love my life....at last.

I cannot really say I doubt or have doubted the fact that I am trans or that I am doing the right thing by transitioning. As TaoRaven said, it was a do or die sort of choice for me. I also love all the feminine aspects of my face and body and personality. That said, the man-in-the-mirror is terrible and from time to time I doubt that I will ever really pass well enough to be happy.

Quote from: jeni on January 07, 2015, 06:22:57 AM
I totally agree that it's difficult and dangerous to file people into boxes, but it is eerie how closely the description in alexbb's quote reflects the trajectory of my life so far. That it also agrees with more or less exactly what I'd already concluded about myself feels pretty reassuring.

These have become common narratives for a reason, they really do apply to a lot of people, and I am sure every one of us can identify with portions of them; for some, or even many, one of the categories may fit perf, idk.  I read it and find myself kind of in between the two, but I also think if I had been rasied in different circumstances that might have pushed me in either direction.

None of the poll choices really fit my experience. I always had doubts before starting my transition. Am I really female at heart or just gender-queer? Would I be able to feminize? Would I be awkward in a mixed body? Would my family abandon me? Would the hormonal changes make me fat? Would the process be so stressful as to make my anxiety worse? Since starting to transition, there is no more doubt, never once have I wanted to go back. Every step I have taken has been so reaffirming of who I really am. Even aspects of feminization that do not cause happiness per se are rewarding because they make me feel like I am finally myself, finally taking off the ugly costume I have been wearing all my life. The estradiol finally made me feel female and I love everything about it. With that said, it has ironically worsened my dysphoria with regard to the hair loss. Ask any female under 40 with bad hair loss and I am sure it is like her world is falling apart.

Quote from: ChrissyChips on January 06, 2015, 03:25:47 AM
That's exactly what I told myself for years!

Me too. Little did I know, I could have been an attractive woman if I had spoken up for myself sooner. Now I will always be fake.

Since I started transitioning years ago, I detransitioned/stopped HRT twice. I was convinced what I was trying wasn't working as far as the hormones and meds were concerned. Plus, I thought I would never blend in to society and was content to live a miserable life. But I continued and that has lead me to the year MMXV where I will go full time after a lifetime of battles and conflicts, mostly with myself.

"I thought I would never blend in to society and was content to live a miserable life. But I continued and that has lead me to the year MMXV where I will go full time after a lifetime of battles and conflicts, mostly with myself."

so great.