Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Female to male transsexual talk (FTM) => Topic started by: Dex on January 06, 2015, 02:04:07 PM Return to Full Version
Title: How to deal with misgendering
Post by: Dex on January 06, 2015, 02:04:07 PM
Post by: Dex on January 06, 2015, 02:04:07 PM
Hello.
Firstly, I want to thank everyone on this site as hearing everyone's questions and answers has been invaluable to me thus far in my journey.
For background - I am just over 13 months on HRT and I know I am insanely lucky. I was able to transition in my long term (11+ years) job with unanimous support from my staff and bosses, my wife has been 100% supportive (though she never identified as lesbian anyway), my family has been supportive as well. So I know I'm lucky and I sometimes feel badly for letting things get to me as I know so many people have it much worse than I do.
I had gotten to a place where I was starting to feel much more at home in my body and in social situations not second guessing every movement or word. Then the holidays came around. I was around family that hadn't seen me in some time. My mom had to explain over and over to my grandfather who I was by using phraseology that was very difficult to me "you remember (old name)? Now it's Dex" very loudly. My mom has been a true supporter for me so I know she wasn't trying to be hurtful. That was compounded by visiting other family where my grandmother has already told me I will always be her granddaughter but that was made worse by the fact that she kept using my old name and wrong gender loudly over and over. Especially in front of my cousin's boyfriend (who had never met me before that day). It was extremely embarrassing. Additionally, that morning we were with my wife's family and her stepdad continually refers to me with female pronouns. He does try to correct himself sometimes but not always.
All of this has broken my confidence. I question myself all over again. All I can think is maybe there is something they see that says to them that I am "not man enough". I know that this isn't true in my brain, but right now it's hard to feel it in my heart. Has anyone else had to deal with something similar and any recommendations for how to deal with these situations? I'm not really one to call people out... I feel like that is even more uncomfortable.
Firstly, I want to thank everyone on this site as hearing everyone's questions and answers has been invaluable to me thus far in my journey.
For background - I am just over 13 months on HRT and I know I am insanely lucky. I was able to transition in my long term (11+ years) job with unanimous support from my staff and bosses, my wife has been 100% supportive (though she never identified as lesbian anyway), my family has been supportive as well. So I know I'm lucky and I sometimes feel badly for letting things get to me as I know so many people have it much worse than I do.
I had gotten to a place where I was starting to feel much more at home in my body and in social situations not second guessing every movement or word. Then the holidays came around. I was around family that hadn't seen me in some time. My mom had to explain over and over to my grandfather who I was by using phraseology that was very difficult to me "you remember (old name)? Now it's Dex" very loudly. My mom has been a true supporter for me so I know she wasn't trying to be hurtful. That was compounded by visiting other family where my grandmother has already told me I will always be her granddaughter but that was made worse by the fact that she kept using my old name and wrong gender loudly over and over. Especially in front of my cousin's boyfriend (who had never met me before that day). It was extremely embarrassing. Additionally, that morning we were with my wife's family and her stepdad continually refers to me with female pronouns. He does try to correct himself sometimes but not always.
All of this has broken my confidence. I question myself all over again. All I can think is maybe there is something they see that says to them that I am "not man enough". I know that this isn't true in my brain, but right now it's hard to feel it in my heart. Has anyone else had to deal with something similar and any recommendations for how to deal with these situations? I'm not really one to call people out... I feel like that is even more uncomfortable.
Title: Re: How to deal with misgendering
Post by: Lukoshkin on January 06, 2015, 03:03:24 PM
Post by: Lukoshkin on January 06, 2015, 03:03:24 PM
The brain of majority of the people is very conservative. If they knew you under a previous name – they will do mistakes and use it . Not because they want to hurt You, just by inertia. Give them a time.
As for the grandparents - it is the most difficult thing especially for them.
As for me - I never touch my grandmother with these news. She was 86 at the time of my transition - I don't think she needs this "surprise" in her old age. I have the opportunity to talk with her alone, or with her and parents, so I think it is better for all of us. Once my mom tried to explain to her smth, but I saw in my granni's eyes such a despair and missanderstanding, that I asked mom not to do it again.
As for the grandparents - it is the most difficult thing especially for them.
As for me - I never touch my grandmother with these news. She was 86 at the time of my transition - I don't think she needs this "surprise" in her old age. I have the opportunity to talk with her alone, or with her and parents, so I think it is better for all of us. Once my mom tried to explain to her smth, but I saw in my granni's eyes such a despair and missanderstanding, that I asked mom not to do it again.