Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I can't go to that support meeting, I'm too afraid, and depressed.

I should be leaving in about an hour and a half if I want to go... but I'm too afraid, and I don't think it will be beneficial, plus an hour and a half drive one way... and I'm not really ready...

I've been super depressed for the past couple of weeks when before that, I was really motivated, and doing everything I was supposed to, and feeling good, and ready to do it all... and then when my brother left, I just haven't been the same. I don't think that I can do this any more. I'm going to have to wait... and sort some things out. I should probably just get a therapist, I'm not good in groups anyway...

I feel awful though... I was so looking forward to this just last month, and was talking to a bunch of people regularly, and exercising, eating right, being super clean... now I don't want anything to do with anyone. I'm quick to anger, colder, and generally less sympathetic. I'm not happy like I was before.

I can't do this... not right now.

I know its hard, but sometimes its good to get out of comfort zones....  That said, 3 hour drive total... I wouldnt say that the group I started with was worth that...

I want to go to a support group, but I'm not sure what I'd get out of it. That said I think it's cool to be able to network and swap stories.

Elsa, it's up to you really. Some people swear by them, some people swear against them. But it might be good to go to keep yourself on an even keel?

I'm notoriously bad with direction too, I went to the wrong airport twice when I went to pick my brother up the first time... took me three hours to find it... last place I tried to find also took me over two hours, when it was only 45 min away... really if I actually want to find the place in time I ought to have left by now... lol.

Hi Elsa,

Tough stuff for sure.  My thought is this.... go.  Sometimes healing can come from action alone.  Maybe just getting out, the drive, a chance to think in a different environment.  The group, well I found that when I was not relying on 'having to have' an answer, I found sometimes just the talking, getting things out relieved a lot of tension, espcially when my expectations were not high.

I hope you do, help can come from some unlikely places.   Dani

If you go and it's not working for you then you'll be under no obligation to stay. If you're depressed then getting out of the house, even if it's for a drive could be great for you. I know what you mean, sometimes things we've been looking forward to are suddenly too huge and terrifying to deal with and so we ditch them. Been there more than once myself, and then usually felt even more sorry for myself afterwards for not going. :-\

It's up to you. I doubt you have anything to be afraid of, there are plenty of people who have been afraid of going to these and then found their fears were fairly baseless. Whether they got much out of it was another matter altogether. I hope that if you do go that you have a great time! If you don't go, please don't give yourself a hard time about it though. :)

Quote from: ImagineKate on January 12, 2015, 04:47:29 PM
I want to go to a support group, but I'm not sure what I'd get out of it. That said I think it's cool to be able to network and swap stories.

Elysa, it's up to you really. Some people swear by them, some people swear against them. But it might be good to go to keep yourself on an even keel?

I really only wanted to go in hopes of meeting some friends, but I'm actually terrible in groups, especially the first time I meet people. I'd just sit there silently, only speak when spoken to, and keep responses minimal anyway. I used to go the same yoga place everyday for a year, and never really spoke to anyone. Sometimes when you do that, people think you're stuck up, and start to not like you just for that... I also went to a Buddhist temple for a few months, and am only just overwhelmed by how many people are there.

I'm not really feeling capable of that level of stress right now. I might just try meeting people online or something...

It's ok not to go. You do not have to go. Don't feel bad for not going.

It can be helpful to go, and it sounds like it would be good for you to at least try it out, but sometimes you're just not in the right place to do it. It's ok to decide that today is not the day.

when I first started off I went to a TS support group in Hartford. It was the only game in town and if I wanted to talk TS issues that was the place. There I heard all kinds of horror stories of people being fired from jobs, bitter divorces, nasty child custody disputes. It actually got depressing. I found another group closer to home and started going there, but by then I was full time so it was less support for me and more support for others.

When I was doing my active transitioning and really deep into doing my thing I used support groups as a great way to gather information. Who's the best endocrinologist, best electrologist, best primary care physician. Those are all good and important questions that I needed answers to. I attended the IFGE gender fair (or whatever it was called) in Philadelphia a few times to see FFS ad SRS surgeons and get consultations from them, since it didn't require much travel and they were all in one place at one time.

I got some practical and fantastic advice from the people who had come before me and how to successfully do this and keep a life together and then I went off and did my thing.

To me the community was good for information and guidance from other successful people, and a word of warning from the unsuccessful ones. Successful transitioners are almost never going to be seen in support groups. It will be a lot of people struggling or dealing with the harsh side of a transition. Don't let the negative aspects of a support group bring you down but serve as a warning.

Yeah, I don't even think that a support group is the right avenue for what I'm looking for, which is just company, and friends because I'm so lonely... maybe I should try clubs or something instead...

I'm just going to get a job for the winter to get out of the house, and get to socialize more -- however superficially. There is always next month. I will try to get my lifestyle back on track some that I'm feeling more energetic and healthy.

I had also been smoking like a train for the past couple of weeks, and only started to quit again a couple of days ago, and need to get that out of my system. Really though, I just wanted to meet someone that I could maybe hang out with, and spend private time with, and that probably wasn't the avenue for that anyway...

I agree with Jeni, don't feel bad about not going.  But I will say I was terrified to go to my first meeting.  But I went and made so many friends.

The advantage I had there was that I had no fear someone I knew would see me.  Now, when I find a local group, that's a possibility.  But I'm looking forward to it.

It's a really good thing.  And if you hate it, you never have to go back. 

You have nothing to worry about. This support will very likely be there next time. As in in Wreck-It Ralph, when Ralph finally shows up to bad-anon after being invited for 30 years. They will be there and they will likely wait for you to show your face someday. You will decide when it is right for you, and even than you still may not. This is your decision.

I understand the whole depression thing. It really sucks. It's makes matters worse and than you feel like these people can't help you at all and don't know what you're thinking. We've all been there and it's likely to ever go away. you got friends on here to talk with.

Anytime you need a pick-me up, I'm here for ya

Love,
Marty (Sammi)

Since coming out I dont get depressed like I used to, but Ive noticed when theres something im afraid of, my body tries to get out of it by feeling sleepy, or sick, or glued to the chair to 'think things over'
Ive found if i just ignore it and go anyway, it shuts up and afterward i feel awesome.
ill be telling myself this before my first group meeting tomorrow. still, at least in its a pub so theres guinness if nothing else!
Hope youre feeling better; it really does help to be with people who accept you as you are.

Quote from: Elsa Delyth on January 12, 2015, 05:16:46 PM
Yeah, I don't even think that a support group is the right avenue for what I'm looking for, which is just company, and friends because I'm so lonely... maybe I should try clubs or something instead...

I'm just going to get a job for the winter to get out of the house, and get to socialize more -- however superficially. There is always next month. I will try to get my lifestyle back on track some that I'm feeling more energetic and healthy.

I had also been smoking like a train for the past couple of weeks, and only started to quit again a couple of days ago, and need to get that out of my system. Really though, I just wanted to meet someone that I could maybe hang out with, and spend private time with, and that probably wasn't the avenue for that anyway...

I'd hang out with you if you lived nearby, as long as I have the time. I'm always interested in meeting people and making friends.

Quote from: Zumbagirl on January 12, 2015, 05:04:22 PM
There I heard all kinds of horror stories of people being fired from jobs, bitter divorces, nasty child custody disputes. It actually got depressing.....Successful transitioners are almost never going to be seen in support groups. It will be a lot of people struggling or dealing with the harsh side of a transition.

Before I was full time I found a well known support group in my area that was a fair distance away from me; every night they met I faced a nightmare of heavy traffic to get to the meetings. I was like you Elsa - I wanted to meet some people but I was early in my transition, and I was very shy and didn't really speak much during the few meetings I went to. The group meetings were exactly as ZumbaGirl described - horror stories and struggles. After awhile I quit going to that meeting; I sympathized with the people having the struggles but I didn't seem to have much in common with them and I was getting nothing out of being there.

Good groups are out there; I did find another group later that had a completely different approach - they were much more of a true support group than the previous group was, but by then I had started to form my own group of friends and didn't really need to go to group meetings any longer for support.

You'll never know what the group is like unless you go. No one is going to make you stand up and talk, and no one is going to single you out and embarrass you. Many of the people there are going to be fighting the exact same feelings that you are; and everyone there has had to endure being there the first time and they will know as a new visitor exactly what you are feeling. You should be among people that are going to be welcoming and nice to you if the group is working as it should.

With that said I also understand the fear that has you paralyzed - perhaps you can skip this meeting and use the time to regroup, and then you can resolve to go to the next one?

I think that support groups can be a good learning experience though and many people should at least try it. There are lots of frightened and deeply closeted people who don't know what to do. It doesn't hurt to experience it. It will either toughen ones resolve or send them deeper into the closet.

I always found that I felt the worst when I felt like I wasn't making any progress, so it could make you feel better to just do SOMETHING., even if it wasn't actually that helpful, you would feel like you moved forward in some way, even if only to conquer a fear and prove to yourself how serious you are about going through with all this.  That can help.

That being said, I never went to a support group and I was fine without it.  Idk if it would have helped or not, but prob not.  So don't feel bad that you didn't go, but please do set small goals for yourself, little baby steps that you can accomplish and feel like you're making some progress.  Maybe even try to go to the group next time.   It could be ok to just sit and listen.

"Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will." ― Suzy Kassem


I wanted to throw that out there because it's true.Progress in my transition didn't come in gigantic drowning waves. It came in tiny baby steps, one at a time, that when I finally dared to look back over my shoulder, I realized how far the sum of those steps had taken me.

You don't have to go this time but if you want to move forward, you're going to have to be brave, take risks and chances, and try. And don't worry. We'll be here and we've got your back.

Quote from: CaptFido87 on January 12, 2015, 06:14:40 PM
You have nothing to worry about. This support will very likely be there next time. As in in Wreck-It Ralph, when Ralph finally shows up to bad-anon after being invited for 30 years. They will be there and they will likely wait for you to show your face someday. You will decide when it is right for you, and even than you still may not. This is your decision.

I understand the whole depression thing. It really sucks. It's makes matters worse and than you feel like these people can't help you at all and don't know what you're thinking. We've all been there and it's likely to ever go away. you got friends on here to talk with.

Anytime you need a pick-me up, I'm here for ya

Love,
Marty (Sammi)

That was a great movie! A movie about accomplishing your dreams, even when the whole world seems to be against you. Thanks a lot for that. I was feeling rejected, and afraid of further failure, but I've feeling much better now. I didn't go to that meeting, and actually one of my headlights were out (excuse!), but I got a new one, and just need to put it in now.

The head light wasn't the reason that I didn't go, but it was a good excuse.

Quote from: alexbb on January 14, 2015, 08:22:01 AM
Since coming out I dont get depressed like I used to, but Ive noticed when theres something im afraid of, my body tries to get out of it by feeling sleepy, or sick, or glued to the chair to 'think things over'
Ive found if i just ignore it and go anyway, it shuts up and afterward i feel awesome.
ill be telling myself this before my first group meeting tomorrow. still, at least in its a pub so theres guinness if nothing else!
Hope youre feeling better; it really does help to be with people who accept you as you are.

I know that you're right, and it may have been good to go, but I feel like I would have been no fun, and wouldn't have taken any risks, and wouldn't have been motivated, and made a bad first impression. I don't regret not going, but I am going to the next one, barring any substantial difficulties.

Quote from: ImagineKate on January 14, 2015, 08:45:39 AM
I'd hang out with you if you lived nearby, as long as I have the time. I'm always interested in meeting people and making friends.

:D

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me. I wish that we were close, you seem really cool from what I see of you around. Thank you.

Quote from: Eva Marie on January 14, 2015, 09:23:26 AM
Before I was full time I found a well known support group in my area that was a fair distance away from me; every night they met I faced a nightmare of heavy traffic to get to the meetings. I was like you Elsa - I wanted to meet some people but I was early in my transition, and I was very shy and didn't really speak much during the few meetings I went to. The group meetings were exactly as ZumbaGirl described - horror stories and struggles. After awhile I quit going to that meeting; I sympathized with the people having the struggles but I didn't seem to have much in common with them and I was getting nothing out of being there.

Good groups are out there; I did find another group later that had a completely different approach - they were much more of a true support group than the previous group was, but by then I had started to form my own group of friends and didn't really need to go to group meetings any longer for support.

You'll never know what the group is like unless you go. No one is going to make you stand up and talk, and no one is going to single you out and embarrass you. Many of the people there are going to be fighting the exact same feelings that you are; and everyone there has had to endure being there the first time and they will know as a new visitor exactly what you are feeling. You should be among people that are going to be welcoming and nice to you if the group is working as it should.

With that said I also understand the fear that has you paralyzed - perhaps you can skip this meeting and use the time to regroup, and then you can resolve to go to the next one?

I do dread the horror stories, especially since most of the struggles I hear about make my own seem insignificant. Even with my mother, and her reaction, it is really just dramatized, and based on reactions that she thinks are appropriate, or one ought to behave like in that situation, and not based on her true feelings. Deep down I know that she respects me, and doesn't think poorly of me -- and even more importantly, takes me seriously. Both of my parents take me seriously, and that is something I take for granted.

I mostly have struggled with crushing loneliness, and having been alone for most of my life, and fear that people have difficulty relating to me. I feel like I can relate to most anyone, but feel like others see me as strange, or difficult to understand.

Quote from: Zumbagirl on January 14, 2015, 09:28:56 AM
I think that support groups can be a good learning experience though and many people should at least try it. There are lots of frightened and deeply closeted people who don't know what to do. It doesn't hurt to experience it. It will either toughen ones resolve or send them deeper into the closet.

I really really do want to go, and join the community. I want to get friends, and have good relationships. It is all that I feel like my life lacks.

Quote from: BunnyBee on January 14, 2015, 09:44:37 AM
I always found that I felt the worst when I felt like I wasn't making any progress, so it could make you feel better to just do SOMETHING., even if it wasn't actually that helpful, you would feel like you moved forward in some way, even if only to conquer a fear and prove to yourself how serious you are about going through with all this.  That can help.

That being said, I never went to a support group and I was fine without it.  Idk if it would have helped or not, but prob not.  So don't feel bad that you didn't go, but please do set small goals for yourself, little baby steps that you can accomplish and feel like you're making some progress.  Maybe even try to go to the group next time.   It could be ok to just sit and listen.

Yeah, that is really good advice. A lot of why I didn't want to go was because I had been depressed for a couple of weeks, and wasn't keeping my hygiene up, frankly. I had been shaving and moisturizing everything, and keep really clean, and shopping for cloths, and practicing for make-up and voice training, but then I hadn't done any of that, and didn't feel presentable, or the ambition to spend three hours grooming.

I feel much better now though, I am exercising again, and going to start the regiment up again, and get back to practicing with my make-up and voice training.

I'm going to try to be ready, and confident for the next one.

Quote from: LizMarie on January 14, 2015, 02:47:26 PM
"Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will." ― Suzy Kassem


I wanted to throw that out there because it's true.Progress in my transition didn't come in gigantic drowning waves. It came in tiny baby steps, one at a time, that when I finally dared to look back over my shoulder, I realized how far the sum of those steps had taken me.

You don't have to go this time but if you want to move forward, you're going to have to be brave, take risks and chances, and try. And don't worry. We'll be here and we've got your back.

I completely agree -- and thank you so much! I have to understand that things take time, and process doesn't happen over night. I can't get demotivated, or be such a slave to circumstance. Gotta have faith in myself, and faith in others.

Thanks for inspiring some more faith in this beautiful online community. :)