Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I never heard of a single straight transsexual who has been with a straight man for more than 10 years. It's almost like a curse. I have friends who are VERY beautiful BOMBSHELLS but they are all unlucky in finding the right men they really want. They attract infinite handsome men for casual relationship but it doesn't last, it's all about either sex, or being a mistress or short term relationship lasting just months. My case is pretty much the same, I never get the guy I really want for long term, they all want me just to use me as an object. And when I see my other friends 35+ beautiful, stealth, super passable but SINGLE. They all tell me they NEVER get the guy they really want no matter how beautiful and passable they maybe and this scares me I end up lonely the rest of my life.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT BEING A POST-OP WILL SOLVE ALL EMOTIONAL PROBLEM I WAS HAVING BEFORE ON REJECTION BY STRAIGHT MEN AS PRE-OP. YES THEY ARE HERE ACCEPTING NOW BUT JUST AS A MERE 'OBJECT' ON BED, BUT NOT TO BE IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP, AND THAT TOO I'M STEALTH.

I am just wondering why is it so? Why can't we find normal long lasting partners like the cis people?

Is there anyone out there married with a straight man for AT LEAST 5 years to give me hope?

Just wanted to briefly jump in and say I know plenty of cis girls who can't find guys either. Even while being successful and beautiful. The way I see it it has nothing to do with looks or how passable you are or anything of that sort, but simply about knowing who you are and what you want, and then the timing being right.

Thinking SRS would have an effect on guys wanting you just makes it seem like you're making the ability to be sexually capable as what defines your ability to be in a relationship, and that's not a fair way to think about it. You have so much more to offer, and whatever relationships you have should not be defined by that.

And no, I don't know anyone married for more than five years, trans or cis, so I can't help much there. Only at about half a year with my current boyfriend, and things seem promising.

Dearest Beauty,   Know that you are not alone in the dilemma to find true love whether cis, trans, bi or whatever color the rainbow has painted.  Yes, there are many t-women out there who are happily married and have perfectly normal lives (whatever that definition may be). I state this because I know some of them and I, too, am one of those.  Yes, there a great number of t-women who also cannot find that 'right' longterm partner but I think it eventually happens; yes, I am an optimist. 

My ex and I were married for 16 years and that does not count the three years we dated beforehand. I am now going on 17 years with my second husband -and last- and I can state with all my mindspiritheart that he is the love of my life and I his.  We've raised a son together (his from a previous marriage and still a baby when we met) and each day I am so very grateful he and I met by accident. Yes, he made me a Mother and I thank him for giving me that joyandpain.  Love does exist and the long term relationships that go along as well. 

All I can tell anyone is that it is a commitment and there is give and take and compromises along the way.  But if you truly love the person -- it's a joyous piece of cake.

By the way, I am pre-op and all my other married tfriends are post.  I know he would stand by me no matter what, come what may :-) and continues to be there for me when I am faced with challenges that shake my very existence.

I've been married twice, this is my second and 10 years long.

It takes a lot of work and commitment.

Marriage also goes against the natural order. Monogamy is by no means the natural state of affairs! Men are designed to spread their seed as far and wide as possible to preserve their genes. It's how they're wired.

So don't be disappointed if you can't find a long term relationship. It's a lot of people in that boat.

Quote from: ImagineKate on January 23, 2015, 09:57:11 AM
Marriage also goes against the natural order. Monogamy is by no means the natural state of affairs! Men are designed to spread their seed as far and wide as possible to preserve their genes. It's how they're wired.

This is invalidating to the millions of men who don't identify as poly. Isn't there some variation among the male of our species?

Kate is just describing nature, it really isn't invalidating anyone in my opinion.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 23, 2015, 10:00:57 AM
This is invalidating to the millions of men who don't identify as poly. Isn't there some variation among the male of our species?

It really doesn't invalidate anything. I am speaking strictly about evolution and natural instinct of the species in general, not what we do as a civilized society.

This kind of explains what I was getting at.
http://www.livescience.com/32146-are-humans-meant-to-be-monogamous.html

The urge to spread genes is natural. The need to have someone raise offspring is also natural. Males want the former, females want the latter. This also explains why males have lots of sperms constantly being produced whereas females release one egg per month. Females are invested in monogamy, males have less to lose.

Maybe you are fishing in the wrong pond is the problem?

Very few relationships last over 6-7 years if they don't involve any kids, over time relationships change and the people with them.

Most relationships evolve from lust to love to friendship unless people work on keeping the spark alive, without there being something like kids to keep people together they will more often than not split up.

I know it's not horribly romantic but I know so many couples that are past the 10 year mark, they stopped having sex a long time ago and although they will hold hands at parties the relationship has evolved into an "business arrangement" to raise their kids and present as being successful and happy to the outside world.

The fact that few couples where one is a trans person have kids might be the biggest factor for relationships not lasting very long.

It is rare to find a long lasting relationship no matter if you are cis, trans, queer or whatever more is out there. That isn't to blame to you but in my opinion because it is so easy nowadays to get a fling or partner (internet) that many people fight less hard to keep their relationship going. Like as of how in the past you were pretty much forced to.

Hi Evolving Beauty.  Take heart.  Work at being a happy and well adjusted person.  Happy, well adjusted people tend to be attracted to other  happy, well adjusted people. 

Though I tend to identify as bisexual, I've found that my long term relationships have been exclusively with other women, so my experience may not be as helpful to you as it could be.  But I can tell you that I've had 2 long term relationships post transition.  The first one lasted 5 years and only ended because my partner died of cancer.  I'm presently married to a cis woman that I've been with for 8 years; we will celebrate our 7 year wedding anniversary in 6 weeks.  My partner likes to tell people that she's already making plans for our 50 year wedding anniversary in 2058.  I believe her.

I just can't stress enough, from my way of thinking and in my own experience, nothing is more important than feeling good and being happy.  Actively seeking out and cultivating methods and techniques for encouraging feelings of happiness within myself has tended to draw pleasant, friendly people into my life, and long term domestic harmony has been the result.

Best of luck.
Miharu

Yes sadly true, 10 years is alright for a modern relationship :~o

It was unpleasant to be around me before ... but I still spent 15 years living with girls ...

Quote from: antonia on January 23, 2015, 11:51:23 AM
Very few relationships last over 6-7 years if they don't involve any kids, over time relationships change and the people with them.

Celebrating 17th anniversary with my wife on march 29 (married for 4years because only of prior legal restrictions on same sex marriage)

Married 9 years and 10 years together

Not looking for it to end so i would say it is possible.

Children where already grown from previous marriage.

I don't go looking for love  :)  For me it is more important to cultivate good solid friendships, this way if a romantic relationship should evolve it will come from a good solid base and the love will be a strong and binding love full of understanding with all the various differences already worked out

Exactly what VM said, that's my take on the relationship issue. You're better off creating strong bonds with people vs seeking out partners to date/be in a relationship with. The right person will come along when you least expect it.

A friend of mine was married for 15 years and separated because of issues her husband was having, unrelated to her being trans.

This is just life. Not because of being trans, just being human and fallible. I think it's possible to find the "one" but it just takes a lot of patience and temperance.

Quote from: Evolving Beauty on January 23, 2015, 07:28:39 AM
I never heard of a single straight transsexual who has been with a straight man for more than 10 years. It's almost like a curse. I have friends who are VERY beautiful BOMBSHELLS but they are all unlucky in finding the right men they really want. They attract infinite handsome men for casual relationship but it doesn't last, it's all about either sex, or being a mistress or short term

Its  the  numbers  thing.  the  odds  of  a  long  term,  are  much  less  then  casual  or  short  term.   like  it  or  not,  that  allure  we  have  to  a  lot  of  men,  is  ,more  a  trophy  or  curiosity  thing.   It  takes  a  strong  and  confadent  man  to  stay  in  a  long  term  relationship  with  us.  the  peer pressure,  alone is massive. 

  relationship lasting just months. My case is pretty much the same, I never get the guy I really want for long term, they all want me just to use me as an object. And when I see my other friends 35+ beautiful, stealth, super passable but SINGLE. They all tell me they NEVER get the guy they really want no matter how beautiful and passable they maybe and this scares me I end up lonely the rest of my life.

not  to  be  harsh,  but  we  tend  to  project  our  fears,  and  men  will  see  that  and  capitalize  on  it. what  do  you  project  when  your  out  looking  for  men?     my  suggestion,  learn  to  love  yourself,  in  the  context  of  being  comfortable  being  alone,  doing  things  alone.   me,  i  hunt,  fish,  kayak,  work  on  my home,  i  go  check  out  different  recreation  dept  classes,  all  alone. if  you  can  get  comfortable  in  the  solo  setting,  it  takes the  pressure off  for  the  relationship  being  the  focus  of  your  life. leave  the group of  girls  and  step  out  solo,  it  reduces  your  compatition,  exposes  you  to  a  much  greater  group  of  men,  and  puts  it  all  on  a shared  interst  as  a  starting  point,  @  I  fish,  he  fishes,  we  have a  common  interest.   

I ALWAYS THOUGHT BEING A POST-OP WILL SOLVE ALL EMOTIONAL PROBLEM I WAS HAVING BEFORE ON REJECTION BY STRAIGHT MEN AS PRE-OP. YES THEY ARE HERE ACCEPTING NOW BUT JUST AS A MERE 'OBJECT' ON BED, BUT NOT TO BE IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP, AND THAT TOO I'M STEALTH.

Having  srs  is  not  going  to  solve  emotional  issues,  period.  if  anything,  it  presents a  whole new  set  of  problems  and  issues,  that  only  compound  the  pre existing  ones.   as  afore  mentioned,  that  "Object  in  bed"  syndrome  is  one  of  them.  men  are  the  best  liers  when  they  want  sex,  and  they  dont  care  about  the  fallout  on  your  emotions  the  next  day  when  they  vanish.    remember  the  old  adage, [  little  girl says to  little  boy]  with mine,[vagina]  i  can  get  as  many  of  those { penises}  as  i  want. ,  still  applies  today,  so  casual,  sure,  your  in  control,  if  your  looking  long  term,  dont  get  the  name  of  the  one  that  gives  it  away.  I  always  took the  attitude, I  paid  lots of  $$  and  waited  a  long  time  to  get  mine,  heck  if  im  gibving  it  away  to  everyone  that  asks.     

I am just wondering why is it so? Why can't we find normal long lasting partners like the cis people?

Is there anyone out there married with a straight man for AT LEAST 5 years to give me hope?

Yep,  Me.  10  years  married,  12  together. 
Honestly,  I  think  a  lot  of  people  make  the err,  in  where  they  look.  i  mean,  if  your at  the same bar,  the  same  slub,  or  just  constantly  in  that  scene,  you  will  find  men  that  are  there  working  the  crowd.   they  dont  want  long  term,  thats  why  they  are  at  the  clubs.   It  may  sound  corney,  but  diversafy  where  your  looking.      you  cant  fish  for  tuna  in  the  neighorhood pond.    most  cities  have  recreation  departments,  so  sign  on,  take  a  class  or  two.  ive  seen  classes  from  tai  chi,  to  duct  tape  purse making.    get  into  different venues  to  find  a  differnt  type  of  man.    take  a ballroom  dance class,  go  to  a  horse  show,  head  out to  the  local  shooting  range,  new  places new  faces.  increase  your  exposure,  dont  give  it  away  too  soon.    we  all  recall  the  guy  chat,  of  who  was  easy,  who  was  not.  be  the  not,  and  you  will  attract  the guys looking  for  a  long  term. 

I'm actually confused, because if a woman is stealth, then by definition her trans status can't be what's sabotaging the relationship? Sounds like she is, as others have said, just having the same bad luck that cis women do.  Maybe some men pursue beautiful women specifically for a "trophy catch" rather than a long-term relationship, and such men are probably more aggressive about it than the nicer guys, so they would seem to be a dominant part of the dating pool.

(Married to a woman, but we'll be married 15 years next summer, together for 20. [and we got married at 22.] )

For what it is worth, my wife and I have been together, one way or the other, for well over 30 years now, and no kids. Plenty of shared interests, love and respect for each other.

She is also a good 26 years post-op now. For just about all of our years together I was doing the best I could to be a "Normal" male with the at the most monthly cross-dressing escape

FWIW I have been in three LTR's, (marriages), lasting over ten years, all with straight men.  My current LTR is going on 15 years of which we have been married since '07.

So yes, provided you meet the needs of your partner and he, (she?) meets yours, then your chances for a meaningful LTR should be the same as anyone else's, all things being equal which they are not.  Appearance, demeanor and personality will all enter into the equation.