Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) => Topic started by: Laurelin on January 25, 2015, 08:40:43 PM Return to Full Version
Title: I guess going full-time is inescapable now...
Post by: Laurelin on January 25, 2015, 08:40:43 PM
Post by: Laurelin on January 25, 2015, 08:40:43 PM
As some of you know I live in Istanbul which has a 94% percent muslim majority and a mostly conservative and bigoted population. My therapist told me at the start that transitioning in Turkey should never be compared with the common transitioning experience in the west and warned me about the dangers. Not passing as a trans woman points this huge target on your head and you are treated like subhuman trash by the authorities to the point of receiving a fine in the street if your gender presentation doesnt match the one that is stated on your national ID. I had many doubts and fears because of this to the point of considering presenting as a male while being outside for the rest of my life even after SRS (RLE for SRS is not always required here because of the circumstances). I couldnt even touch my eyebrows in fears that it could attract unwanted attention so I just went for hari removal, let my hair grow, took my hormones and rarely went outside. I kept wearing my male clothes and kept my hair in a low ponytail. It was fine at the start but I kept getting more and more stares in the street as months passed. I was never gendered as a female and it kinda crushed my soul and I was randomly receiving nasty comments and lots of awkward stares.
The first time happened when I was flying to spain for my FFS, I wore my mothers white sweater with a pair of slim jeans and I got ma'am by the steward in the plane, he quickly apologized when I opened my mouth for telling him my choice of drink. I returned 2 weeks later with bruises, swelling and wearing the stupid mask they give you after jaw surgery, I needed to go to the toilet in the airport. I generally use the restroom for the disabled to avoid any trouble but it was clogged and I headed towards the mens restroom but I was quickly stopped by the janitor who basically yelled me "THIS IS THE MENS TOILET, THE WOMENS TOILET IS ON THE OTHER SIDE" with his broken english, I guess I also failed to pass as a turkish citizen there >_<
I just shut myself in the house for the next month and only ventured outside a couple of times which were unpleasant because of the stares and I wasnt even allowed to the electrolysis because of surgery so I guess I looked weird for this people. I went to IKEA with my mother and the cashier guy in IKEA just kinda hitted on me while I was standing right next to my mother! I was telling him our address for shipping and he ignored me and kept staring and staring and my mother was disturbed and told him to focus on his job yet after a few minutes and a couple of errors he went back to staring at me and my mother kinda snapped and asked him to tell us the reason why he is staring and he kinda mumbled, blushed and said "Your son is soooo beautiful, I cant resist averting my eyes", this kind of thing in this country is EXTREMELY rare because gay people generally remain hidden and dont ever do this kind of thing in public let alone in their workplace!
After this incident I started wearing a cap as a safety blanket and it really helped with the stares so I thought that I have managed to hide my "weirdness" only to discover that I was constantly getting gendered as a female when wearing the cap regardless of my clothing >_< I was only getting sir'ed after speaking so I was kinda shocked because I was considering myself a failure and weren't really expecting this. I needed some things from a home improvement store which is a strict male territory so I tried my best to present as a male. I was browsing tiles for the bathroom when I heard some movement behind me. A middle aged man approached with a shopping cart and said "Excuse me little lady but I cant really move this shopping cart with you standing there", I nodded and cleared the way and he went "I almost called you a man when I saw you from a distance, your clothing is a bit rough, is this what they call the rock style? you should dress more feminine". I guess this can be called a reverse cloking since he thought I was a male at first than gendered me as female when he was close to me, I always hear the opposite happening to trans women so I guess this was what ftms are dealing with :p
Well this gave me enough courage so I went ahead and trimmed my eyebrows and now I cant pass as a male even when I want to even without the damn cap unless I speak and that just gets me weird stares, I had to say something to my mom in a restaurant while still wearing male clothes and people sitting at 3 different tables have turned and stared at me.
This weekend was the final tipping point, I felt courageous and dressed up in female clothing without any makeup and my hair is a mess yet I received no stares all weekend. I browsed and tried on clothes and no annoying sale assistants coming to remind me that the mens department is located in another place or stopping me from what counts as defiling womens clothes in their mind, I went to the womens restrooms and no screams or yelling or even stares and I even received some smiles. I played the mute and had to type on my phone to communicate with the service people yet no funny looks or comments and all I received was sympathy and special attention (typing my own name on my cup in starbucks was totattly weird >_<) which I feel guilty about for faking a disability but I could easily get beaten up or murdered in this city if I out myself so I dont have any other viable choice for now. I even used the public transport without any issues! Public transport is a bit problematic for trans woman in this country. People generally try to create a security zone around you even when its crowded and they try their best to avoid having any physical contact with you like you carry some sort of disease. I have seen women covering the empty seats next to them with their bags when a trans woman boards the vehicle many many times and men just stand up and go somewhere else when a trans woman sits next to them. One time everyone did this ->-bleeped-<- on a bus and a man tried to occupy both seats in order to stop the poor woman from sitting next to him, she was sad and confused and the seat next to me was empty so I just smiled and pointed the seat to her and she kinda brightened up and thanked me several times during the journey and complained about the bigotry that she has received from this society. I really wanted to tell her that I was trans too yet I resisted because I wanted her to think that a cisgendered person did this act so she can have some slightest hope for this society.
So yeah, I guess there is no going back now even if I wanted to. I couldnt have imagined this in all my dreams and I kinda regret about resorting to binge eating out of depression and gaining 22 pounds in autumn. I have my SRS scheduled in march so I guess I am getting closer to the finish line. If only I can do something about my terrible voice now -_- I tried to train every single day for months and saw zero improvement and there are no speech therapists available in this country so pretty much gave up on the voice thing.
I just wanted to share the experience and happiness since I havent written anytthing here for months, I hope it wasnt dull -_-
The first time happened when I was flying to spain for my FFS, I wore my mothers white sweater with a pair of slim jeans and I got ma'am by the steward in the plane, he quickly apologized when I opened my mouth for telling him my choice of drink. I returned 2 weeks later with bruises, swelling and wearing the stupid mask they give you after jaw surgery, I needed to go to the toilet in the airport. I generally use the restroom for the disabled to avoid any trouble but it was clogged and I headed towards the mens restroom but I was quickly stopped by the janitor who basically yelled me "THIS IS THE MENS TOILET, THE WOMENS TOILET IS ON THE OTHER SIDE" with his broken english, I guess I also failed to pass as a turkish citizen there >_<
I just shut myself in the house for the next month and only ventured outside a couple of times which were unpleasant because of the stares and I wasnt even allowed to the electrolysis because of surgery so I guess I looked weird for this people. I went to IKEA with my mother and the cashier guy in IKEA just kinda hitted on me while I was standing right next to my mother! I was telling him our address for shipping and he ignored me and kept staring and staring and my mother was disturbed and told him to focus on his job yet after a few minutes and a couple of errors he went back to staring at me and my mother kinda snapped and asked him to tell us the reason why he is staring and he kinda mumbled, blushed and said "Your son is soooo beautiful, I cant resist averting my eyes", this kind of thing in this country is EXTREMELY rare because gay people generally remain hidden and dont ever do this kind of thing in public let alone in their workplace!
After this incident I started wearing a cap as a safety blanket and it really helped with the stares so I thought that I have managed to hide my "weirdness" only to discover that I was constantly getting gendered as a female when wearing the cap regardless of my clothing >_< I was only getting sir'ed after speaking so I was kinda shocked because I was considering myself a failure and weren't really expecting this. I needed some things from a home improvement store which is a strict male territory so I tried my best to present as a male. I was browsing tiles for the bathroom when I heard some movement behind me. A middle aged man approached with a shopping cart and said "Excuse me little lady but I cant really move this shopping cart with you standing there", I nodded and cleared the way and he went "I almost called you a man when I saw you from a distance, your clothing is a bit rough, is this what they call the rock style? you should dress more feminine". I guess this can be called a reverse cloking since he thought I was a male at first than gendered me as female when he was close to me, I always hear the opposite happening to trans women so I guess this was what ftms are dealing with :p
Well this gave me enough courage so I went ahead and trimmed my eyebrows and now I cant pass as a male even when I want to even without the damn cap unless I speak and that just gets me weird stares, I had to say something to my mom in a restaurant while still wearing male clothes and people sitting at 3 different tables have turned and stared at me.
This weekend was the final tipping point, I felt courageous and dressed up in female clothing without any makeup and my hair is a mess yet I received no stares all weekend. I browsed and tried on clothes and no annoying sale assistants coming to remind me that the mens department is located in another place or stopping me from what counts as defiling womens clothes in their mind, I went to the womens restrooms and no screams or yelling or even stares and I even received some smiles. I played the mute and had to type on my phone to communicate with the service people yet no funny looks or comments and all I received was sympathy and special attention (typing my own name on my cup in starbucks was totattly weird >_<) which I feel guilty about for faking a disability but I could easily get beaten up or murdered in this city if I out myself so I dont have any other viable choice for now. I even used the public transport without any issues! Public transport is a bit problematic for trans woman in this country. People generally try to create a security zone around you even when its crowded and they try their best to avoid having any physical contact with you like you carry some sort of disease. I have seen women covering the empty seats next to them with their bags when a trans woman boards the vehicle many many times and men just stand up and go somewhere else when a trans woman sits next to them. One time everyone did this ->-bleeped-<- on a bus and a man tried to occupy both seats in order to stop the poor woman from sitting next to him, she was sad and confused and the seat next to me was empty so I just smiled and pointed the seat to her and she kinda brightened up and thanked me several times during the journey and complained about the bigotry that she has received from this society. I really wanted to tell her that I was trans too yet I resisted because I wanted her to think that a cisgendered person did this act so she can have some slightest hope for this society.
So yeah, I guess there is no going back now even if I wanted to. I couldnt have imagined this in all my dreams and I kinda regret about resorting to binge eating out of depression and gaining 22 pounds in autumn. I have my SRS scheduled in march so I guess I am getting closer to the finish line. If only I can do something about my terrible voice now -_- I tried to train every single day for months and saw zero improvement and there are no speech therapists available in this country so pretty much gave up on the voice thing.
I just wanted to share the experience and happiness since I havent written anytthing here for months, I hope it wasnt dull -_-
Title: Re: I guess going full-time is inescapable now...
Post by: Ms Grace on January 25, 2015, 09:04:19 PM
Post by: Ms Grace on January 25, 2015, 09:04:19 PM
Laurelin, thank you so much for sharing. What an inspirational story. :)
Title: Re: I guess going full-time is inescapable now...
Post by: JLT1 on January 25, 2015, 10:17:13 PM
Post by: JLT1 on January 25, 2015, 10:17:13 PM
HI!!!
It is very different there. You have done very well. Keep working on the voice. It can be done!
Congrads...
Hugs,
Jennifer
It is very different there. You have done very well. Keep working on the voice. It can be done!
Congrads...
Hugs,
Jennifer
Title: Re: I guess going full-time is inescapable now...
Post by: alexbb on January 25, 2015, 10:48:06 PM
Post by: alexbb on January 25, 2015, 10:48:06 PM
This is a scary and frustrating but also inspiring story. It makes me mad that there is so much prejudice against people just trying to be happy. But its inspiring you bravely do so anyway. It would make a great film! Im sure it will have a very happy ending!
Title: Re: I guess going full-time is inescapable now...
Post by: Madison (kiara jamie) on January 25, 2015, 11:16:15 PM
Post by: Madison (kiara jamie) on January 25, 2015, 11:16:15 PM
for your voice have you thought about going to yeson for voice surgery?
Title: Re: I guess going full-time is inescapable now...
Post by: katrinaw on January 26, 2015, 05:03:16 AM
Post by: katrinaw on January 26, 2015, 05:03:16 AM
Wow... what stamina and determination, very inspiring....
I wish you well on your remaining journey Lauralin... you deserve it :-*
Like Madison check out Yeson in Seoul... I will be 8)
L Katy
I wish you well on your remaining journey Lauralin... you deserve it :-*
Like Madison check out Yeson in Seoul... I will be 8)
L Katy
Title: Re: I guess going full-time is inescapable now...
Post by: cindy16 on January 26, 2015, 08:04:05 AM
Post by: cindy16 on January 26, 2015, 08:04:05 AM
That's really inspiring, Laurelin. Hope everything works out well for you.
It also is a sort of warning sign for me, as I was considering whether I could ever go for HRT but still continue living as male all my life. Your experience shows what I may need to be prepared for in a country with a very similar situation to yours.
It also is a sort of warning sign for me, as I was considering whether I could ever go for HRT but still continue living as male all my life. Your experience shows what I may need to be prepared for in a country with a very similar situation to yours.