Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've already done step 1 and told my wife and she had a very big NO to it. I've noticed changes since then on both sides. I'm really wanting to take the next step and start to transition and if i wasn't married it would be no issue. I can talk about it to my friends and therapist with no issue but when it comes to telling her I am getting scared and holding back plus since she has had some health issues lately I feel its bad tact to bring it up after something happens. That leads to my other issue of its bad thing after bad thing happens so no good chances to do it.

What I'm looking for is some advice on how to get the courage to say it even with knowing the end result. I've already looked at the therapist option where I can talk to my therapist but my wife isn't wanting to do a couple meet to discuss things. She says we can do it at home. My other issue is I still love her dearly and don't want to hurt her but at the same time I'm hating myself the way I am now.

I wish I knew the answer. Getting advice from a therapist / relationship counselor might be a good start. They might give you things to try so you and your wife can make things work. My best guess is to go slow and don't rush into things too hastily. That old saying, "Haste Maketh Waste" seems very appropriate here.

Big hug! She'll need time to work through it, I agree with Sabrina. Stay strong!

Hugs, Devlyn

Wow. Sounds a lot like my wife and I.  The only difference is I was ready to divorce her before I came out to her.  If she's not willing to do some sort of counseling, I'm not sure what you'd do.  I do know I would avoid tmi.  I guess I would ask her how she wants to work it out and what her end goal is.

There's never going to be the right time.  Could you convince her to go with you to your therapist for one session?  That might help. 

Good luck and hugs.  Remember you are not alone. 

PS: it sounds like we're going through very similar situations.  If you want to message me and talk more, go for it.

Quote from: Releca on February 01, 2015, 01:01:12 PM
... but when it comes to telling her I am getting scared and holding back plus since she has had some health issues lately I feel its bad tact to bring it up after something happens. That leads to my other issue of its bad thing after bad thing happens so no good chances to do it.

What I'm looking for is some advice on how to get the courage to say it even with knowing the end result. I've already looked at the therapist option where I can talk to my therapist but my wife isn't wanting to do a couple meet to discuss things. She says we can do it at home. My other issue is I still love her dearly and don't want to hurt her but at the same time I'm hating myself the way I am now.

Several years ago I needed to drop the T-Bomb on my wife. It was a bad time. I had lost my job, got another one several states away, we had a long distance marriage, my job totally sucked but paid well, she had some major health issues, still does, was borderline suicidal, still is. I had started going to a TG support group, my first time ever, a couple of months earlier. By my third meeting I knew with zero doubt I needed to be there. I also knew it was already about too late to say anything to her without what little was left of my world exploding completely.

I had to tell her for the "US". If I did not, there would soon be no us. I knew the sense of betrayal (her BIG hot button issue), the lying by omission, and all the other raw negative emotions that will emerge would rule if I waited any longer. Oh yeah, also throw in this sort of discussion was totally alien territory for me.

A Pointy Haired Boss once said to me on the eve of sending me off for some silly "World Class Something or Other" training that would tie me up for a week a month in the middle of a multi-million dollar project that I was in charge of.... "There is never a good time". As idiotic as it was then, especially since there were like 4 other engineers doing about nothing that also could have been picked, those words stuck in my head.

If you are 100% sure that you WILL transition to full time, well hon, There is never a good time to drop that on an SO. The best you can do is manage the When. With my wife and I when grown up serious stuff needs to be discussed, we essentially set up a meeting. This puts the others state of mind above what needs to be discussed. No dropping in in their lap when they aren't really up to dealing with serious stuff. And be totally honest with your needs.

Now, if you need to maybe experiment a bit, make some minor changes in your life... well she already knows about the GD it seems. Doesn't really care for loosing a husband. But may be open to some minor changes such as a more andro look around the house, even perhaps some cross-dressing. Trading in tightie-whities for panties etc..

My wife, even know from day one some 30+ years ago I had GD, did not respond well to the level of escalation that took place. Going to group, going as Joanne! Most members and all the regulars being TS, either full-time or almost there. A gorgeous member who is an electrical engineer, just as I am coupled with my past history of dating TS's. Yet as the months and years passed, she began to open her eyes to the positive changes in me as I began to become a for real person. I still get the occasional "I did not marry a woman", but they are very infrequent compared to back then.

If a relationship does not have a solid foundation to start with, dropping the T-Bomb may eventually put an end to it. Too much too fast will overwhelm an SO, and in essence they break, cut their losses and run. Taking a BIG step like HRT will make her realize that it is not a phase, it is for real. A lot of crap to process. When you consider we spent a lifetime trying to figure it out and barely have a handle on it, what chance does an SO stand?

What has saved my marriage so far has been the totally open and honest discussions. These are difficult, especially when you don't know when the TMI point is reached. Even when answering a pointed question, they may just not want to hear the full answer. You may not even know for certain, yet certainty is what is being asked. When the TMI point is reached, the strength of your bonds is what you need to rely on to hold things together. Avoid heated overly emotional talks to ... shouting matches. If needed, take the high road temporarily but don't let feelings, yours and hers, fester. Bring it back up hours later. And of course, the old sage advice of not going to bed angry (or totally upset)

It helped me to understand that I can't control my wife's reaction to what I would tell her, only what and how I told her. I decided that, because of our commitment, I owed her the truth, and so it was not an option to keep my feelings and thoughts hidden.

When I'm trying to get myself to do something I know I need to do, sometimes it helps me to pray for courage. I'm not really sure about God, so I pray to my inner strength. It works just as well.

Does this help?