Susan's Place Transgender Resources

 I removed my post from an otherwise positive thread. Is anyone else frightened by men?  Some bad experiences in my childhood make me very apprehensive when I am alone around them.  Its not all men, but a majority of them. I do enjoy the male voice when they sing though.

I've always been frightened by men. Afraid that they'll somehow notice I'm not really one of them and they'll victimize me in some way.

Oddly, my transition has made this a lot better.

Some guys, whether due to aggression and/or creepiness can be very scary. But there are plenty of fantastic men out there. The important thing is to never prejudge. In public or private, keep yourself safe but don't put all men in the same basket. If you have a specific phobia and loathing then it might be good to talk to someone about that.

:police:

I will also point out that this forum membership is comprised of many awesome men and I don't want to see this this thread devolve into man bashing otherwise it will be very quickly shut down.

Not afraid in the least.

Not at all, my experiences have always been men are gentle and protective and sweet to me, it's other women, the ones with backstabbing attitudes you should be looking out for .. But even then I wouldn't generalise either gender...  I've always thought men in general tend to be more compassionate. But that might just be my personal experience and we all have our reasons for how we feel.

Quote from: Ms Grace on February 13, 2015, 01:01:35 PM
Some guys, whether due to aggression and/or creepiness can be very scary. But there are plenty of fantastic men out there. The important thing is to never prejudge. In public or private, keep yourself safe but don't put all men in the same basket. If you have a specific phobia and loathing then it might be good to talk to someone about that.

:police:

I will also point out that this forum membership is comprised of many awesome men and I don't want to see this this thread devolve into man bashing otherwise it will be very quickly shut down.

Exactly! I am with one of those fantastic men you speak of - living together and engaged...so there are bad and good people out there, but can't paint them all with the same brush

I will say it is not males at all, but the new security concerns which all women feel. A realization that male privilege is gone and things have to be done differently to protect myself. Graduating the Police Academy helped a lot though and I know I can protect myself if the need arises. I just do not go looking for them and take common sense precautions. :)

Poor you GF. Men are just men/boys. They want to be in control (they think) & always want sex or most of the men I've been with have. I've found that the more of a woman you are the more a man will treat you nice as he would any "cis" woman. To relax & be with a nice man is great really if you like men? Try & relax more maybe. I always told any man no rough stuff at all & he should treat me like a very nice woman if we date. Most all understood & treated me very nice. Good luck GF.

Stevie, I also feel some fear at times, it can be pretty intense to be alone with a man, especially if they are acting up.  For me it really depends on how well I know the men. 

I didn't think you were trying to paint all men as bad, but having also been through some stuff at a young age, I understand what can happen and it would be foolish not to keep that in the back of our minds.

 I realize I need to talk with my therapist about this problem. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that I stopped socializing with men when I graduated from college 35 years ago.  Other than family members the only interaction I have is with my male coworkers while at work.

Stevie, I don't think you're alone in that level of interaction, in fact it probably describes 80% of women our age.  If you are dating men that can be a problem though :)

Look a good number of people on this site are men, each person is different and is not responsible for the actions of others. This thread falls under the TOS 10.

Quote10. Bashing or flaming of any individuals or groups is not acceptable behavior on this web site and will not be tolerated in the slightest for any reason.  This includes but is not limited to:

• Advocating the separation or exclusion of one or more group from under the Transgender umbrella term
  
• Suggesting or claiming that one segment or sub-segment of our community is more or less legitimate, deserving, or real than any others
  
• Posting any messages that engages in personal attacks and/or is actively or passively aggressive whatever the provocation.

Judge each individual by their own acts.

 I did not intend this as an attack on anyone sorry if it got  interpreted  that way. I have a son that is FTM and I certainly did not mean this as post to insult or demean anyone. I know this a problem that I have to deal with along with all the other stuff I have repressed over the years.

I understand the feeling.  I tend to be apprehensive of people in general, but men I don't know in particular.  Maybe it's the misanthrope in me and maybe it's my knowing that I don't belong of them.  I'm not part of that club.  I'm supposed to be, but I'm not. 

*trigger warning on my reply*

I'm very afraid of men. I will often literally panic when a man I don't know talks to me. Just a few days ago a man asked me my name when I was at worked and I went in the back room and had a panic attack. This doesn't always happen... I know objectively that not all men are violent and out to kill but sometimes I get so scared that that will happen to me... I just hear all these stories about transwomen getting murdered and it makes me afraid to even speak to seemingly friendly men. It's gonna be a pain if I can't get over this tho, because theoretically someday... I would like to be with a man.  :(

Not individually, but when they are in a group of 5 or more I get scared that pack mentality might kick in. All it takes is one to start acting like an idiot and the others can follow.

My older brother was VERY aggressive with me since I was little and now he says "I taught you how to protect yourself, now anyone messes with you and you can handle them!" I guess he is correct, I am a bit fearless now. That's kinda the way he taught me to ski too, took me to the very hardest trail, once we started down the hill he flew off yelling "Good luck, hahahaha" I made it to the bottom without crashing, after that I was a great skier  !

-Jade
:-*

Nope, not really afraid of men at all. I still know how to posture and "shoot the ->-bleeped-<-" when it comes to conversing with men about so called manly topics.

Very early on in transition, I remember pondering how relationships with men would go.  I still do ponder dealing with some things.  And I remember finding a blog some time ago that contained this observation:

QuoteI do have some fear,  I am a woman,  my muscles have disappeared with my hormone therapy.  I am not as strong as I used to be.  Not having been brought up as a female leaves me vulnerable with the lack of caution that women in our culture learn early on.   My transgender therapist's words stay with me.    "Learn to fear men!"

I find myself in positions with men where I feel at a certain amount of risk.  Those usually involve sexual issues.  A couple of examples:

First example:  I was helping a friend move.  One of her moving crew waits until the rest of the crew was outside at the truck, my friend was in the bathroom, and I'm in the back room of the apartment by myself checking closets to see if anything was missed.  One of the movers comes into the back room, positions himself between me and the door, and asks me to call him for a date.  What would you do?

Second example:  I used to play chess at a club near my house.  One of the guys there took a liking to me.  He ran into me at a restaurant when I was with friends once and apparently he stood behind me and gaped for a while before he finally said anything, only to discover that I didn't remember who he was.  I showed up at the chess club again and he asked me out on a date.  He started walking me to my car every time I was there.  If I was going to do some shopping in the mall where they meet, he would insist on walking me down to the stores.  Then after I didn't show up for a while, he friended me on Facebook where the main things. Post about are my garden and my cooking.  Every time I'd post about something I was cooking, he'd reply by commenting about his imagining me being over at his house cooking for him on a cold winter day and us enjoying the snow.  What would you do?

I have posted about these and other incidents and wondering what to do about them on other sites.  Mostly I get posts from people saying they are jealous because they wish things like that would happen to them, which makes it impossible to talk about these things.  But the reality here is that I am telling you about circumstances where I was afraid of the men involved.  I got scared.  Because things like this can be dangerous and that danger seems to be inadequately appreciated in trans* communities.  So here is what I did in those cases:

First example, I was cornered and alone.  I didn't want to turn him down flat because I did not know how he might have responded.  I didn't want to get called a bitch and punched, for example.  But it was unusual because he was asking me to call him.  Usually guys ask me to call them.  So I took his phone number.  I was sort of neutral and nice but not super enthusiastic.  Just enough to let him think he was getting his way and keep things smooth.  Then I "mysteriously lost" the number after the day was over. 

Second example, I started to feel stalked and extremely uncomfortable.  I saw things escalating if I did nothing.  I had one of my cis friends start pointing out that if I did not do something soon, things would become increasingly awkward and he might even end up hurting me.  I unfriended him on Facebook.  And I have not been back to this chess club since this happened.  It's just too uncomfortable and I agree there is an eventual risk of harm.

"Fear" of men may be the wrong way to put it.  But caution around men may be a better way to describe it.  Most guys are just fine.  But there is a minority out there that aren't and you never know which category a particular guy fits in.  So a certain amount of general caution is wise.  Dropping bravado, posturing, etc. that many of us grew up with, and getting with the being careful is a really important lesson to learn.

By the way, I will also add that I do have martial arts training (Kyokushin for anyone who wonders).  I figure that if I am ever assaulted, it may be useful to surprise the attacker and buy me five seconds or so to run away.  The reality is that no matter how great my technique may be, I just don't have the muscles to hit very hard with.  That's a reality that goes along with having little or no T in your system. 

(And for those who are concerned about their safety, and may be in or near Maryland, a presentation on that very issue is scheduled on February 21 and details are posted in the events forum).

I'm not afraid of anyone unless they have a gun. Anyway, fear will not allow you to expand your horizons. I am currently studying psychology and i can kind of pick up social cues, verbal cues and body language cues on men and women. If i am out somewhere alone, i tend to observe the crowd around me and make an assessment. I usually bring my laptop with me and i stay busy doing homework. I carry a bottle of pepper spray in case someone messes with me. I used to me a man, and i know what men want but like i said, I can detect those guys and keep them at bay by being funny. I've used toilet humor to keep them at bay and make myself unattractive to them. I kind of act like Lisa Lampanelli around these guys. LOL

But anyway, for the most part if your in a bar or a supermarket and a guy talks to you give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't go anywhere alone with them, sit down have a drink and make sure you buy your own drink and pay for it. Don't allow the guy to buy you a drink unless your sitting at the bar.

Not all men are bad, the cool ones are hard to come by. The only men i am interested in are ones like Raj, from the Big Bang Theory. I would LOVE to date that guy. When i am ready i am going nerd hunting at the comic book store and i am going to pick up a nerd. I love nerds i feel safe around them. I find them to be the most kind hearted men i can find. I never EVER had any problems with nerds. I am part of that nerd crowd.  :D

I totally understand where you're coming from Stevie. Its tough to not feel at least somewhat fearful due to the alarming rate we're assaulted and murdered by men, especially if you're a trans woman of color. I personally don't have a fear against men in general. What lil fear I do have is being in a sexual situation with a guy cause I'm pre-op. For example if I was casually flirting with a dude and he decides to be very touchy out of nowhere and finds out I don't have a vagina..That scenario alone terrifies me. I like to think I'm a great judge of character but in the end you never really know until the poop hits the fan. Another scenario is being with a guy who you didn't know was a ->-bleeped-<- until months down the road, that would really suck. Its tough dating as it is for anyone but being in transition and dating men is definitely on a whole different level of difficulty. 

I have an interest in guys but I'm just way too paranoid of being intimate with them as I highlighted above. I know there are plenty of guys out there who are completely ok being with a girl like me but no way am I willing to take that risk over simple curiosity, especially since I' am a trans woman of color. I mean the average life expectancy for trans woman of color is 35. 

Anyways I'm pretty happy dating women at the moment so dating men isn't even in my radar. Maybe once I'm post op and I might try dating a guy, if I'm single that is. 

Quote from: ThePhoenix on February 14, 2015, 09:57:26 AM
"Fear" of men may be the wrong way to put it.  But caution around men may be a better way to describe it.  Most guys are just fine.  But there is a minority out there that aren't and you never know which category a particular guy fits in.  So a certain amount of general caution is wise.  Dropping bravado, posturing, etc. that many of us grew up with, and getting with the being careful is a really important lesson to learn.

Well said, I completely agree.

FYI: I'm IS.

I actually do understand.  My first stepfather was apparently abusive.  I can't remember almost anything from that time in my life. 
It makes me wonder though.  Like did he know I was different than the other boys?  Did he hit me, or just yell.  My mom's memory of that time is mostly missing as well, so I'll never know.

I've always been very emplathic, and if I feel anything bad, I move away.  I've always been afraid, and always kind of had a hatred towards men, and I never wanted to be one ever (Ironically, in a way I never did become one.).  Thankful my hatred has died down a lot over the years, but it took a really long time.

I still wonder if my mom knew I was different back then too, because that was when she decided to raise my brother and I gender neatrul.  Unfortunately I'll never know, because my Mon took to drinking.

Interesting enough, I have been treated more poorly by males than females.  In fact I've always have gotten along much better with females.  But I've had a few females treat me rudely too.

  I have never hated men, the only person  I have ever hated was me.  In fact I have been attracted to some men  in the past, which is probably another component of this problem. It maybe that I am afraid of myself for these feelings, and that combined with the abuse I suffered in the past adds to my apprehension.  I really need to work on this , it has been detriment to my life for so many years and is a major part of my social anxiety.  I have have become much more social since I have been FT and getting past this could only make my life even better.

People frighten me no matter what they claim or appear to be and no matter the sex.  Yes nice people exist but, they act irrationally and will often do what they don't believe in if pressured to fit in.  I think some younger kids are much more forgiving.  Ie my kids and their friends mostly. 
If someone has not shown you who they are by actions, but claims by words to support, I would be hesitant to believe even them, without a history of selfless actions. Mob mentality can take over even the best intentioned person and convert them to do what they don't believe in. 

Take one step at a time and believe in yourself.  You are beautiful.  Now go out and show it. 


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